Wisdom And Wit In Social Media

I've been reading what appears on social media for many years now. If something grabs my attention (for whatever reason), I note the gist of it, make it more comprehensible, improve the spelling if necessary, and get rid of individual people's IDs. Then I try to make it more generally applicable and relevant. Below are various 'broadcasts' and messages I've made up in this way. Some of them give good advice, some of them are amusing, but hopefully they all say something interesting in one way or another.

I believe social media is valuable … but mostly for celebrities who are trying to promote their wares or who are paid to promote other people's stuff. Otherwise, as far as I can tell, pretty much all the stuff that goes out on social media is rather pointless. (Obviously there are exceptions, like calls for help or advice, or giving warnings about things that other people might then be able to avoid.) But why write for free? Vanity and egotism, I suppose. And although some of the stuff that goes out might be clever or funny or useful (or selling or promoting something), quite a lot of it is silly or, worse still, just downright abusive. Even the good stuff could usually be better gleaned from reading a few good books. In short, I reckon social media is a time wasting indulgence for most people who engage in it - whether that is sending out messages or reading ones that are received.

I wouldn't be surprised if the fad for people sending out internet messages to people that they're not really connected to in any meaningful way will eventually die out, and people will return to communicating more directly with people that they actually have some real connection with, and their messages will then have some meaning and purpose to them too.

Anyway, whatever happens in the future, this is the sort of stuff that you see on social media at the moment. I've broken it up into sections that are in alphabetical order just to make it easier to read through and to come back to anything that catches your eye.


A

A banana and a vibrator were on a table. The banana said to the vibrator, “I don't know why you're shaking. That woman is going to eat me.”

A boy makes his woman jealous of other beautiful girls, but a man makes other beautiful girls jealous of his woman.

A bus just drove past me without stopping despite me putting my arm out to show the driver I wanted to get on. Bastard! And it was a woman driver too.

A drunk guy being arrested outside a Greggs sandwich bar is shouting, “They're taking me to the police station to beat me up. They've done it before.” I have no reason to doubt him.

A famous person once said, “I don't care if people criticize me. Those people probably have crappy lives. I don't.”

A friend just told me they stopped following me on social media because I send out too many spiritual messages. Fair enough.

A girl just took a photo of herself on the train and then got embarrassed because she hadn't turned the shutter sound off. Dozy muppet!

A girl needs to wear two things to look great - confidence and a smile.

A girl who's been told a lot of times that she's ugly will fall for the first man who lies and tells her she's pretty.

A good father still maintains a relationship with his children even though their mother may have tried to pretty much ruin the father's life.

A good laugh and a long sleep are better than any cures a doctor can prescribe.

A good relationship involves give and take from both people. A bad relationship has one person giving and the other taking.

A Grand Theft Auto addict ran over an old lady when they were driving for real, thinking they were still playing their video game.

A heart that hears and understands what God is saying is a heart that will conceive and bring forth His divine nature into the material world.

A little boy saw a puppy and he went over and touched it. Again he touched it, and again - what a touching story!

A lot of people take my blunt, brutal honesty as me being mean or insensitive, but I'm just telling them the truth.

A lot of relationships don't last long because people rush into them without getting to know each other properly first.

A lot of times we take it out on everyone for what just one or two people did to us, but when we shut people out, we shut ourselves in.

A man is like a bowl of soup - he'll only get blown if he's hot.

A mutt always wants to be with another mutt.

A negative thought is the first step to failure.

A new study says that in the US, 59% of black women, 35% of Latinas and 22% of white women with multiple children had them with different men.

'A' or 'an' before 'h'? Use 'an' before silent 'h' (an hour); 'a' before aspirated 'h' (a hotel). Saying 'an historian' will make you sound like a pompous and pretentious or just plain ignorant.

A particular piece of music can take your mind back to a specific time, place, person or feeling.

A penis is like a parking lot - the best ones are taken and the ones left over are too small.

A penny saved is worth … a penny!

A person hates you for one of three reasons - 1) They want to be you. 2) They hate themselves. 3) They see you as a threat.

A positive attitude may not solve every problem, but it makes solving a problem more likely.

A regular person would say, “If you can't beat them, join them,” but my mentality is, “If you can't beat them, find another way to outsmart them.”

A small team of people committed to a cause bigger than themselves can achieve absolutely anything.

A society has a future when old people plant trees whose shade they know they will never sit in.

A study finds that women fake orgasms cuz they are insecure. I thought it was because their partner couldn't find their clit!

A tip for men - a woman requires fuel in order for her to be intimate. Communication is the fuel she needs.

A true friend is someone who accepts your past, supports your present and encourages your future.

A true friend is someone who makes you laugh until you cry and who allows you to cry until you laugh.

A vegan lunch is not really what this carnivore was expecting to have served up as their birthday treat.

A vision without a plan is just a hallucination.

A well-timed tug on the leash while my mistress was scooping up my poo from the sidewalk and her finger went right in it!

A wise person kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before being left.

A woman can cry for someone she didn't really love, but a man cries only for someone he truly loved.

A woman who is at peace with God, who is content with her life, who is full of love and free of desperation, attracts a good man.

Abandon not the everlasting beauty for a beauty that must die, and set not your affections on this mortal world of dust.

Accept what comes to you totally and completely so that you can appreciate it, learn from it and then let it go if you have to without any regrets.

According to the Philippine National Police, wife battery ranked highest at 6,783, or 72%, of all forms of violence and abuse against women.

Accounts with like 10,000 followers but which are only following 400-odd people really annoy me. Do they think they're better than us?

Action initiated from guilt, frustration or anger bears bitter fruit.

After a certain point there is turning back. That is the point you must strive to reach.

After we watched the Power Rangers film, Mum drove us home. Back in our bedroom, my kid brother tried to run up the wall and back flip. He bust his head - the little asshole!

After you've removed their stink-glands, skunks make great pets.

Age doesn't guarantee maturity. Love doesn't mean you'll always be together. Things don't always happen like you imagined.

All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that not all guys are the same.

All my chubby co-workers complain about their weight, but they order in fried food … and then thirds!

All these invites from LinkedIn are driving me insane.

Almost every attempt I've made has been thwarted by an opposing force. I don't care. I'm doing what I love and I'll do it till I can't.

Almost half of employers admit they do not pay students and graduates who join them for internships.

Alright, life, I'm ready for round two. Bring it on!

Altruism might be good for others, but it might not be good for you.

Always remain humble, but you don't have to be apologetic for living your life the way you want and trying to accomplish your dreams.

An bad personality defeats a good-looking face.

An important factor in creating wealth is … timing.

Angry sober is worse than happy drunk.

Any fool can be a father but it takes a real man to be a dad.

Apologies for not getting back sooner. Now, what was it you wanted to know?

Apparently it's easier to give up heroin than to give up smoking, so let's help smokers by giving them heroin.

Apparently there's less crime than before because it's now easier for poor girls and poor single mothers to have legal abortions.

Arrogant people are usually too arrogant to realize that they are arrogant.

As far as social media is concerned, if you have the right approach and the right content, there are people out there who will dig what you do.

As God reveals Himself in your life, some will rejoice with you while others will mock and criticize you.

As I walk through airports these days I feel like a feudal lord riding among my peasant workers. I doff my hat to the tattooed ones, the tabloid-readers and the floor-sleepers.

As I was walking home and I was four houses away from my place, my wi-fi connection came up on my iPod. Now I'm upstairs at home and I have no connection!

As of today there are 7,169,854,791 people in the world, so why are you prepared to let just one out of all those people ruin your life?

As recently as ten years ago, Pakistan was richer than India.

As strange as it may sound, fatherhood is the first thing in my entire life that I'm actually any good at.

As we grow up, we realize it becomes less important to have tons of friends and more important to have a few real ones.

Aspire to be the writer of your own destiny.

At first your behavior was like 'cute childish', but now it's just 'annoying childish'.

At my age I am surprised by nothing but baffled by everything.

At the petrol service station I just witnessed that awkward 'Dad giving the child back to ex-wife and new man' thing. The new man was a lot younger than the dad.


B

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Be thankful for what you have rather than frustrated about what you don't have.

Beauty lies in the soul. The handsomest person can have the ugliest nature.

Becoming a comedian because you love comedy is like getting a job in an abattoir because you love bacon sandwiches.

Before I saw so much porn on the internet I thought that a creampie was just some sort of dessert dish.

Before you speak, listen. Before you react, think. Before you criticize, wait. Before you pray, forgive. Before you quit, try.

Behind every success is effort. Behind every effort is courage. Behind every act of courage is passion.

Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of every successful man there is usually another woman.

Being a fan is something unexplainable. You love, freak out, cry and do everything for someone who doesn't even know you exist.

Being childish is the best thing ever. If you haven't got a bit of the child in you, then you're just boring in my opinion.

Being famous means millions of people have the wrong idea about what you're really like.

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you're content to deal with the imperfections.

Being hopeful, faithful and thankful are the best feelings to have. I hope to be cocooned in these feelings for years to come.

Being humble and showing love goes a longer way with people than being arrogant with them does.

Being lazy is sometimes hard work.

Being single doesn't mean no one wants you. It means God still is busy writing your love story.

Being single is a lot wiser than being in a wrong relationship.

Being single shouldn’t mean that you are sad and lonely, or a loser. It should mean you are strong enough to enjoy life without needing or depending on others.

Being teetotal helps clarity and lets you see things and people as they really are.

Believing in yourself and your talents won't by itself bring you wealth, but it will drive you towards the actions that will bring you wealth.

Beware, smiling is highly contagious!

Big shout-out to my dog for sneezing and getting it all over me!

Big, exposed breasts are unprofessional. I shouldn't have to come to work and look at such things, especially as I'm not allowed to make a comment about them.

Bisexual men have all the problems of being homosexual while still having to deal with women. Very smart!

Black people look the same in person as they do in their black and white pictures.

Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect you to pay it back.

Both George Washington and Thomas Jefferson grew marijuana on their plantations.

Boys, until you all start having periods and babies and watching the one you love be with someone else, you aren't as strong as you think are. Yours sincerely, girls.

Bra sizes - A: Almost, B: Barely, C: Can do, D: Damn good, E: Enormous, F: Fake, G: Giant, H: Hell yeah!

Break-ups aren't always bad. Sometimes break-ups make us grow up and understand life better.

Brilliant band names. I have just remembered that the punk band Pissed Jeans used to be called Unrequited Hardon.

Broccoli is really the devil's hair that has been removed from his shower outflow.

Buddha once said, “It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles.”

Bullet-proof vests, windscreen wipers and laser printers were invented by women.

Buttholes are the original scratch 'n' sniff.


C

Call me naïve, but I still have faith that people will keep their word.

Can I do a trade-in for my lay-about brother and actually get one that serves some purpose?

Can someone just invent a Social Media Land so we can all meet each other, party and live together?

Can we just completely get rid of the idea of people forwarding on other people's messages? It's making choosing whose social media group to be part of seem completely pointless.

Can we start using the word 'retard' again, or is it still illegal? How about the word 'spaz'?

Candles will burn longer and drip less if they are placed in the freezer a few hours before using.

Capitalism keeps you warm at night and keeps you blind and ambitious.

Cars in general are a waste of money. Who really needs a posh car? Really we'd all be fine riding around in basic cars.

Cats adopt human because humans are so useful to them.

Certain car makes require you to be pompous in order to drive them.

Change is sometimes caused by lazy, greedy, frightened people looking for easier, more profitable and safer ways to do things.

Cheat on your fears. Break up with your doubts. Get engaged to your faith. Marry your dreams.

Chemistry teachers never die. They just fail to react.

Chewbacca told everyone about my plans for world domination. Damn Wookieeleaks!

Children today have social media, smart phones and iPads. When I was a child I had coloring books and crayons and simple toys … and imagination.

Choice, not circumstance, determines your success.

Cigarettes are like hamsters. They're perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it alight.

Cleavage is amazing. Show a little and everyone becomes so nice to you all of a sudden.

Cohabitation is not equal to marriage. Married couples build more wealth. Married women get less domestic violence.

Compromise, conformity, assimilation, submission, ignorance, hypocrisy, brutality, elitism, exploitation, lies - these are the reality of America. The dream disappeared a long time ago.

Confidence is sexy. If you're insecure or unsure of yourself, it'll be hard to find a date, let alone a mate. Be secure in who you are. Then others will want you.

Conquer yourself before you think to conquer your opponent.

Consistency shows maturity. The more immature people are, the more moody and unreliable they are.

Counterfeit carpet-munchers, sham smokers, fabricated felons, make-believe models, pretend players - you can be whatever you want on social media.

Couples that get divorced less than five years from when they got married should face jail time for not trying.

Courage is resistance to fear and mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

Cramming (verb) - a pointless activity we do in the twenty-four hours before an exam to memorize information that we will have forgotten forty-eight hours after the exam.

Crass as it sounds, there's plenty of money to be made in adapting to climate change and plenty of money to be lost by ignoring it.

Creating a constitution is like handing the car keys to your teetotal friend before you yourself go binge-drinking on power.

Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

Crying does not mean you are weak, and not crying does not mean you are strong.

Curious to find out something about me, are you? Then why don't you ask me?

Cutting someone out of your life that you fell heavily for is like suddenly coming off heroin.

Cycling is such a joy, but don't forget to lubricate and use protection.


D

Dad has run outside holding the kitchen bin at arm's length. “Fire!” he's shouting! Um, that'll be steam from the teabag I just dropped in it, dad!

Dad last night appointed me the mayor of Retardville, USA, but he said the place has only got a population of one.

Damn! I uninstalled Firefox without making a note of my bookmarks. Now I've lost them all.

Dark red sunburn and dark red prom dress are not a good combination.

Dear Customer Service, first of all you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger!

Dear ex, I'm sorry I'm not the person you thought I was, but you know what, you weren't the person I thought you were either.

Dear fly who refuses to go out of the window, I'm trying to save your life. I'm Buddhist, but even I will kill you if you continue to annoy me.

Dear food commercials, no one eats in slow motion with their eyes closed. Yours sincerely, normal people.

Dear God, if you can't make me skinny, please make everyone else fat.

Dear God, I've been betrayed. I feel like they beat me like a slave. But I've learnt from my mistakes. We are living in our last days, people. Pray for me that I may become cold-hearted.

Dear haters, maybe u haven't noticed that 'awesome' ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.

Dear hotels, this is the 21st century. We need to plug stuff in. Put more electric sockets around your rooms.

Dear Lord, please help me to reach out to others so they too can find you and know you.

Dear man on bus with Louis Vuitton logo tattooed on arm, we all make mistakes, but yours is worse than any of ours. Far worse.

Dear Mother Nature, I'd like to cancel my monthly subscription. Damn these periods!

Dear parents, yes, I stay up late, have a messy room, live on my laptop, and I'm lazy, but guess what - I'm not the only teenager that acts this way.

Dear people who write things about how marriage is horrible - you are doing it wrong. Odds are YOU are the problem in your marriage.

Dear privileged public sector workers, private sector workers only 'gave up' their good pensions in the sense that I 'gave up' my wallet when I was mugged five years ago.

Dear teacher, 60% of us failed our exams, but it isn't because we're bad students, it's because you're a bad teacher.

Dear teacher, I talk all the time to whoever I'm next to, so making me move won't make any difference.

Death by cleavage sounds like a good way to go to me.

Death is inevitable, but keep this in mind - death is neither evil nor good, it just is. You should attach no emotional strings to death.

Deep Heat rub burns like a bastard. Make sure you don't get it on your balls.

Democracy is not just about holding elections. Rather it is a commitment to values such as freedom, equality and human rights.

Democracy works best when it is disproportionately influenced by a small number of billionaires. Er, did I get that right?

Desperation sure is a stinky cologne to wear.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite what we think, everyone's loyalty has an expiration date.

Did I just do something stupid? I did, didn't I? Actually I did it some hours ago. Crud. Crud crud cruddity crud. WHY?

Did you know that a recent Gallup Poll showed 61% of Americans want all or most abortions to be illegal?

Did you know that the optimal viewing distance from a TV is about 2.5 times the screen size?

Did you know that the words 'moron', 'imbecile' and 'idiot' were once medical terms?

Did you know that you can lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs?

Did you know that young people are more likely to be influenced by a recommendation from a brand they trust than one coming from a friend or a member of their family?

Didn't your mom or dad ever tell you that staring isn't polite?

Disabled passengers face a rising level of abuse on public transport.

Disappointments are just God's way of saying, “I've got something better waiting for you in the future.” Be patient. Have faith.

Disaster! Wikipedia is down! That means the whole of human knowledge has gone. Now my IQ has dropped ten points. Hang on, what does IQ mean? Where can I find out? What's Wikipedia?

Distance doesn't ruin a relationship but doubts do.

Do not be afraid to love again. Just because your previous love did not work out, it does not mean that love will never work for you again.

Do not fear to be eccentric in your opinions. Every opinion that is now accepted was once regarded as eccentric.

Do not follow people who claim to be spiritual gurus. A true spiritual teacher does not claim to be a guru.

Do not mess with me. I know karate, kung fu, judo, taekwondo, jujitsu and twenty-eight other dangerous words.

Do people still use laptops, or have we all gone over to tablets now?

Do the plain women in a group of girls talk to the fat and ugly dudes in a group of men so that the best looking girl is free to talk to the best-looking guy?

Do you ever feel like you aren't good enough? Forget what anyone says or thinks about who you are or who you should be. Be you. There's only one like you. There's a place in the world waiting for you.

Do you ever find yourself yelling to your child from another room to tell them not to yell at you from another room?

Do you ever get that really sad moment when you realize just how alone in the world you actually are?

Do you ever meet those people who think, and say, that the one they are with is completely faithful to them, and you just look at them and think, “Little do you know!”

Do you ever think how you'd feel when one of your parents is gone? I cry when I think of this.

Do you ever think something's crawling on you but when you look down there's nothing there?

Do you make more sexual noises when you're pooping than when you actually do sexual things?

Do you mind being a little sensitive to the needs and wishes of others? The world doesn't revolve around you, you know.

Do you read to escape reality or to engage with it more?

Do you want to be a peasant? Do you want your grandkids to be serfs? It's time to wake up and take action.

Does a misplaced apostrophe send you into a fit of rage? It does me. I believe grammatical errors are the ultimate sin.

Does using social media count as social networking, or is social media just a load of strangers typing bollocks to each other?

Dolphins masturbate.

Done with two patients. Three more to circumcise.

Don't be afraid of death. Be afraid of an unlived life.

Don't be scared of change. Embrace it. Open your mind and life up to all the possibilities that are out there.

Don't be so serious. Humor is just as valid as seriousness. They don't conflict. Have a laugh.

Don't call me 'you there'!

Don't change to please someone else. You should only change in order to make yourself a better person.

Don't change yourself so someone else will like you. Stay true to who you really are. You'll find someone who likes you for who you are.

Don't complain about where the path you chose took you. There's a good reason God put you on it.

Don't criticize me for my flaws when you don't even recognize your own.

Don't dare disrespect anyone with cancer or the illness itself or I'm going to pray that you or someone close to you dies from it, and I'm not kidding.

Don't expect anything from anyone. Expectations usually lead to disappointment.

Don't have expectations of other people and then you won't have the frustration of them not meeting your expectations.

Don't hide the real you.

Don't keep running back in time, trying to hold on to your past. Although it seems like it will make things better, it just makes everything much worse in the end.

Don't let anyone or anything intimidate you.

Don't let your ears witness what your eyes didn't see. Don't let your mouth speak what your heart doesn't feel.

Don't let your ego and pride ruin your life. Success, money, power and prestige do not necessarily lead to inner happiness. Follow your soul.

Don't let your ex destroy your future with someone new, someone better, and someone who will really appreciate you for who you are.

Don't make someone fall for you unless you plan to catch them.

Don't middle-aged and old people look ridiculous when they try to be trendy?

Don't miss the opportunity to do something good today just because you're wasting time regretting what you did or didn't do yesterday.

Don't promise when you're happy, don't reply when you're angry, don't decide when you're sad.

Don't push away the people you know you really want in your life. One day you'll push them away and they'll stay away.

Don't regret anything you did, because at that moment that you did it, it was exactly what you wanted to do.

Don't say something permanently hurtful just because you're temporarily upset.

Don't search for the light, be the light.

Don't try to approach me with some lame ass pick-up line. Just be natural. I'm pretty laid back and open to what you have to say.

Don't waste a minute not being happy. If one door closes, run to the next one. Break it down if you have to.

Don't waste time on anyone who doesn't focus 100% on you. You're worth someone's full attention.

Don't waste your time fearing what people might be saying about you.

Don't you find it annoying when people walk slowly in front of you and there's not enough room to get past them?

Don't you hate it when people say that they're going to call you or text you or come to see you and they don't? That's early signs of unreliability. Dump them people.

Don't you hate it when someone steps on your footwear in a crowded train or bus?

Don't you just hate watching the one you like liking somebody else?

Don't you laugh at teenage kids and their silly relationships? They know each for two days and already they're saying, “We'll be together forever.” Such cringeworthy naivety.

Don't you think there's something slightly trashy about having a McDonalds bag in one hand and a Wal-Mart bag in the other?

Dr Martin Luther King said, “I have a dream.” What he didn't say was, “I have a complaint to make.” Be an activist, not a complainer.

Drinking water helps you lose weight by flushing away the by-products of fat breakdown.

Due to hay fever, I'm a walking snot factory.

Dumbing the population down with public education and sophisticated propaganda keeps them subservient and in their place.

During intercourse I like to shout out, “Unidentified item in bagging area!” This doesn't always go down well with the lady I'm performing with.


E

Ebook sales now surpass hardback sales.

Either resign yourself to being miserable or get yourself motivated to change yourself and your situation.

Energy drinks do not give you wings, they give you heart palpitations and breath like a supply teacher.

Enjoy sorrow as well as happiness and you'll grow a little every day.

Enjoy what you can and endure what you must.

Enthusiasm is intoxicating, infectious, and it's essential to success. Exude enthusiasm and before you know it you'll have an equally enthused following.

Er, Harry Potter did not invent the invisibility cloak. It was an invention for the Bird of Prey class of Klingon vessels on Star Trek long before Harry Potter was even thought of.

Even if our frail happiness could somehow linger a little longer, a bad seed has been sown and it will sprout and make things worse and more unbearable than they are already.

Ever called someone a twat? What a funny word! Twat. Say it out loud, lol!

Ever cried yourself to sleep knowing that tomorrow will be even worse?

Ever had that awkward moment when you're making a stupid face across the room to your friend and you realize the person you fancy is looking at you?

Ever tried to have a conversation with a really drunk person who speaks three languages? Put it on your bucket list. It's an interesting experience.

Every day is a new chance to reinvent yourself and change your life with the help of our Lord. God is bigger and greater than any addiction, disease or problem you may face.

Every female has shed tears over a man she knew wasn't worth crying over.

Every forty seconds someone commits suicide, so if you're there to listen to anyone who needs to talk, let people know on your social media network now.

Every person has three personalities - 1) For when they're with their family. 2) For when they're with their friends. 3) For when they're with their partner.

Every Saturday, there's always a turd.

Every so often I whisper to my computer, “I'm on your side.” This is just in case computers end up taking over the world someday.

Every time I'm having a good day, my mom always says something that makes me and my dad fight.

Every time I'm writing and I put a glass of water on my desk I feel like it's a ticking computer-ruining time-bomb.

Every time when I think I'm over you, I see you in the street and it brings back all the feelings I once had for you.

Everything comes to those who hustle while they are waiting.

Everything good is either illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive or impossible.

Everything happens for a reason. God puts people in your life for a reason and takes them out of your life for a reason.

Ewwwww, the stench from these people coming in from the rain!

Exercise may reduce marijuana cravings.

Expecting is my favorite crime. Disappointment is my inevitable punishment.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you're good is like expecting a bull not to charge at you because you're a vegetarian.

Experience provides a repertoire of responses to various situations. Without experience and maturity, you cannot react correctly to things.


F

Facebook needs 'Dislike', 'You're an idiot', and 'Nobody cares' buttons.

Failure is the first step towards being successful. Take the good with the bad and keep moving forward.

Fame will change your circumstances and the people you mix with, but don't let it change you.

Fatherhood has expanded my verbal skills. Up until recently I didn't even know that 'Stop getting mad at your toys!' was an actual phrase.

Fear God, because for an omnipotent being He sure acts unpredictably and without any apparent rhyme or reason. Oh sorry! Is that not the sort of fear you meant?

Few things in the world are more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

First dates are awkward. First kisses are heavenly. First love is irreplaceable. First heartbreak is unforgettable.

First you said I'm pretentious because of the books I enjoy reading. Now you say I'm pretentious because I don't watch TV.

Flesh is determined to be miserable. However, you can decide if it's to be miserable because you didn't satisfy it or if it's to be miserable because you did satisfy it.

Football - cabbages kicking an inflated bladder into fishing nets … and the 'tards pay money to watch this. Let's hope they invent TV soon to keep all the vegetables breeding and growing indoors.

For a while I thought I actually meant something to you, but I see now I was wrong.

For all the people out there who are thinking of getting a tattoo … don't!

For any business to succeed, you need to establish long-term relationships with clients by extending exceptional customer service.

For anyone worried about the smell coming from my fridge, I found what died in it. It was a horrible, slimy thing covered in green and white fur.

For me there is a constant struggle between being selfish (doing what I want to do) and being altruistic (not doing what I want to do in order to satisfy, or at least not hurt, others). Do other people have this inner conflict?

For me, people who smoke cigarettes are just as unattractive as people who drink alcohol.

For some reason, when I haven't eaten all day I don't feel very hungry, but if I've eaten at least one small meal, I'm starving later. That's so weird.

For those of you who are open-minded enough to respect those with whom you disagree, your tolerance will be rewarded. Keep calm and carry on.

Forget not the twat!

Forgiveness is a key that lets you open a door and look to the future. Forgetting is another key that lets you lock a door behind you so you can't look back.

Fornication makes you f*!king happy.

Fungasm (noun) - coming and laughing at the same time.


G

Georgia, USA, is forcing illegal aliens out of the state. Now crops there are rotting because no native Georgians these days are willing to do farm work.

Get a 'paired-off' person to cheat on their partner so as to get them to be with you, and eventually that person will cheat on you so as to be with someone else.

Get involved with the wrong people and you'll get a negative view of all people.

Get money. Get it any way you can. Do whatever you have to do to get it.

Get up, get going and do something great. You deserve it … and so does the world.

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars - you have to let go at some point in order to move forward.

Girl's mother - “So, you want to become my son-in-law?” Young man - “Not really, but it's inevitable if I marry your daughter.”

Girls, try not to get knocked up on the first day of summer. It will ruin the rest of your summer!

Girls, when will you learn not to pass boyfriends amongst yourselves?

Give a girl enough potato chips and Lambrini and she'll do anything.

Give me a lemon and I'll give you back a tall glass of lemonade.

Give, but don't allow yourself to be used. Love, but don't allow your heart to be abused. Trust, but don't be naïve. Listen, but don't believe all that other people say.

Go on, old man, blow cigarette smoke in my face. I find it really sexy. Not!

God doesn't make mistakes, so I must be alright no matter what people say.

God is the greatest fictional character of all time.

God is truly working on, in and through us all.

God never promised things wouldn't fall apart. He promised that when they did, you wouldn't, because He will hold you together.

God, that frightened me! I thought there was a dead baby in a car, but it was just a creepy doll.

God, the rain is wet today.

Good morning, all. I had a dream last night that I started the charity I've been wanting to do for several years now. Today I'm going to get down to making it happen.

Good morning, lovely sunshine! But would it sound too middle-aged to say that more rain would be great for my lawn?

Good morning, world, and thank you, God, for allowing me to see another day.

Good people are loyal, true, of humane and affable manner, and honorable both in themselves and in their judgment of others.

Google turned twelve this year, so now we have one more year to use it before it turns into a teenager and won't answer any of our questions.

Google's already made knowing-it-all obsolete. If new cars start being able to do parallel parking by themselves, I'll have nothing that makes me special.

Guinevere annoys me. She chose Lancelot over the amazing Arthur. She was such a daft bint!

Guys and girls have different ways of cleaning the toilet. A girl uses a scrubbing brush. A guy pisses as hard as he can on the stains.

Guys, if a girl hurts your feelings, go take some money out of her purse and use it to pay for another pussy.


H

Happy birthday to my mom. Thanks, mom, for carrying me around for nine months inside you and then bringing me into this wonderful world. I you're proud of me, because I'm proud of you. I love you.

Happy first day of summer to you all. I hope you spent yours somewhere other than in an overcrowded office. Not that I'm bitter. No, I'm not bitter at all.

Happy makes you money, money doesn't make you happy.

Hate is very powerful, and it makes a person not naïve. Love makes people naïve.

Haters don't hate you, they hate themselves. They're just jealous of you because you are like what they want to be like.

Hating someone won't stop that person's success or improve your own situation. Instead you should use that 'hate' energy to improve yourself, not to criticize others.

Have I suddenly become an idiot-magnet or are there just more idiots around these days?

Have you ever done that thing of trying to type, “I'm good,” but instead you accidentally type, “I'm God.”

Have you ever tried giving someone 'the silent treatment' because you're mad at them, and then got even madder when you realize that they haven't even noticed what you're doing?

Having a dream gives you the strength to keep moving forward. Dream dreams, and then make them real.

Having a fever when the ambient temperature is above thirty degrees centigrade is probably as close as I'll ever come to experiencing heroin withdrawal.

Having no money sucks.

Hello to my new followers. I hope you enjoy my sage advice and my words of wisdom.

Here's a new word - transetiquette. It means having good manners when using public transport/transit.

Here's a shout-out to all the single mothers who are single mothers because they don't know who to blame for getting them pregnant!

He's nineteen, she's thirteen. That's not dating, that's babysitting.

Hey folks (snigger!) I've made you some (giggle!) biscuits. Tuck in!

Hey, here's a shout out to my ex-husband. I couldn't ask for a better father to my children. Happy Father's Day, darling.

Hi to my new social media friends. Just to let you know that if you drop me, I will drop you, and then I'll spread rumors about you behind your back that you have an STD.

High achievers are people with a vision, but sometimes they short on social skills or they just don't care about politeness or being tactful.

Historically my romantic type has been super-tall black girls, tiny little Jewish ladies, and Latinas of moderate height.

Homeless people should use all their free time practicing their golf swing ready for when they get rich.

Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Honesty is the best policy, unless you're posting an ad on an internet dating site.

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while you drive if you want to meet him!

Hopes and dreams without action are going to remain just that - mere hopes and dreams. Act on them.

Hoping to get knocked up by a rock star or sports hero should not be a career path, but some women choose it.

How can you be so f*!king useless? Whatever possessed me to marry you?

How come I have followers from the other side of the world? How did they even get to hear about me?

How come my divorced parents are Facebook friends?

How come whenever I go shopping with my girlfriend, I spend the money, hold the bags and end up looking like a weirdo standing outside the fitting rooms while she tries things on?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

How did I ever live without social media? I used to have to suffer alone when I was angry or frustrated, but now I have lots of other people to share my misery with.

How do people sleep at night when eighteen US veterans commit suicide each day?

How do you know when a liberal is about to say something clever? They start by saying, “A conservative friend of mine told me that ….”

How long do friendships last? As long as both people want them to last.

How man abortions did you just say you'd had?

How many times do we forgive someone just because we don't want to lose them even though we know they don't deserve our forgiveness?

How many times will I lock my keys in my truck? As many times as it takes me to run out of money paying someone to break in and get them, I guess.

How young can you die from old age?

Hypocrisy has become a chronic disease. It is now ingrained in some people so much that it is impossible to cure.


I

I actually love my lesbian boss, and I'm a bloke!

I almost got fired at work for sleeping under my desk but I told my boss I was planking. Now I'm Vice President of Social Media!

I always felt the term 'VIP' was a tad pretentious. I prefer the term 'the people who paid more for a more exclusive club experience'.

I am a transvestite but I don't want hair and make-up advice from every woman I meet. And I don't put three hours into my looks like a lot of women do.

I am in touch with the God of medicine who knows all the qualities of all healing plants. Unfortunately He tells me I am suffering from a malady no balm or tincture can cure.

I am not a negative person, but I find it funny when people who were once so in love break up and then start hurling insults at each other.

I am shocked into consideration of my own mortality when I see friends who appear to be the picture of health suddenly die without warning.

I am sick of everyone and their ménage à trois mentality. What about monogamy and devotion?

I am so determined to get to the point one day.

I am too young to be serious and too old to act like a young person.

I ask every month how all you guys manage to watch TV all day and all night and never get a job, but no one can explain it to me.

I believe that every single action you take in your life will in some way determine your destiny.

I blame Isaac Newton for saggy boobs. Surely they were perfect before he discovered gravity?

I broke a world record today. I've lived longer than I've ever lived before. What? You did too? Yay, let's celebrate!

I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today. She was seeing someone else.

I can respect the fact that you don't like this person, but using your social media account to send out hate messages about them all the time just makes you look bad, not them.

I can still smell the weed on my fingers. I've been toking, joking and poking. It's been a good day.

I can't believe I just heard some woman say, “Divorcing an abusive husband will only free him up to abuse someone else.”

I can't continue to be naïve and clueless. I have to face the consequences of my ignorance every day.

I can't date a girl who's too boney. From behind, boney girls' backs look like they belong on dinosaurs.

I can't even refer to you in a message without you coming back on me. It's like riffing a retard. You just don't think right.

I can't stand people who swear every other word. Why don't they learn some more vocabulary?

I can't stand some people even when I'm sitting down with them.

I can't think of a single TV show or film that wouldn't be made better by the introduction of a character called Pissflaps.

I can't wait to get home and get stark naked and lie under the air conditioner.

I can't wear skinny jeans because they show everything I've got.

I can't! I cannot! Even I'm not stupid enough to do that.

I considered suicide until I found out it's actually illegal. I don't want to get sent to jail.

I could be in Outer f*!king Mongolia and some halfwit would come and sit next to me.

I could never afford a heroin habit. It would cut into my stilettos budget.

I could say that I'll always be here for you, but that would be a lie.

I deleted you off Facebook. That's because I don't like you. Please don't try to re-add me.

I did the mature thing this year and let the girls buy my ex-husband a gift. He's a good father and they love their daddy.

I didn't even miss my ex-husband the first time the kids blocked the loo up since he left.

I dislike it when people tell me how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. If I haven't told you, don't assume it.

I do whatever I can to help my friend out and what do I get in return? Nothing. Originally I was just being altruistic, but, like, come on! Give something back.

I don't appreciate these guys talking in a different language from mine and then looking across at me.

I don't believe in tattoos and piercings. They mark you out as being different, but not in a good way.

I don't cuss, I don't drink, I don't party hard, I don't smoke and I don't fornicate. I'm a good teenager.

I don't have the time for a relationship, but if I had a vibrator that would listen to me, that would be kind of cool.

I don't know how people cope with anal sex. God bless their resilience, but I couldn't do it. It takes me all week just to expel a fart.

I don't know what's better, getting laid or getting paid. Strangely enough, if I get one, I usually get the other.

I don't like my man, but I need his money.

I don't like waste, especially when it comes to alcohol. That's why I always empty the bottle. And is it my fault if my dad always drummed it into me that I had to open a new bottle if the old bottle was empty?

I don't mind guys wearing baggy pants, but if you're going to wear them real low, just make sure you've got classy underwear.

I don't need people that only stay true to me to my face. I need people that remain true to me behind my back too.

I don't really miss MySpace but I miss the era it was in.

I don't understand having saggy pants with a belt but then you still have to physically hold your pants up.

I don't understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little, if only out of consideration for others.

I don't want a perfect relationship, I just want someone I can act silly with, who treats me well and who loves being with me.

I don't want to be around anyone who keeps hurting my feelings. Also I don't like it when I tell other people about the bad things they do and then they still keep on doing them.

I don't want your compassion. I don't want you to forgive me. I don't want your apologies. I want my money back!

I feel sorry for anybody who was born recently and was given one of those old people's names. Did their parents really want them to be laughed at until they were forty?

I feel sorry for people who don't understand the way life really works.

I fell off a 50ft ladder today. It was lucky I was only standing on the bottom step!

I finally decided to commit suicide. I had it all planned out. I hopped in the taxi, looked at the woman driver and said, “Just drive.”

I find Facebook is really gross now. I hate it.

I find it ironic that the candidate who says on his résumé that he has a 'Da Vinci mindset' then lists 'pomposity' as one of his 'major turn offs'.

I find that casual swearing on social media works wonders. Why not give it a try? Say, “Eff this!” and, “Eff that!” and “I'm effing annoyed by …”

I gave my mom my iPhone and showed her how to scroll down, and she licked her finger first. Yuk!

I get the weirdest cravings at random hours of the day. I dread to think what I'd be like if I ever got pregnant.

I got a phone call this morning from some girl called Sarah saying she was worried about me not attending college since Monday. That's considerate of her, but I just can't place who she is.

I got in trouble for exposing myself and the cops ordered me not to stand by an open window unless I'm wearing my bathrobe. They never said anything about having to tie it shut though!

I got on facebook and found out my partner had split up with me. Sometimes social media lets other people know more about your life than you know about it yourself.

I got your girl high on drink and drugs and now she's doing to me what she normally does to you.

I hate being a mum and I hate being a partner.

I hate being chucked out of the office when it's only 6pm. I could still get loads more work done. Let me stay please. (Am I a saddo … or am I being facetious?)

I hate being drunk and finding that you're still ugly.

I hate feeling vulnerable. It makes me feel so vulnerable.

I hate how my kids have grown up and it seems like they don't need me anymore. I feel old and unloved.

I hate it when I prove my dad wrong and he still thinks he's right. Nob head!

I hate it when people are listening to music with headphones on and I still have to listen to what they're listening to. Turn the volume down! Are you deaf, or what?

I hate it when people are so full of themselves that they think everything you say is about them. The world doesn't revolve around you, mate!

I hate it when people ask me if this is my natural hair color. What am I supposed to do to prove it? Show them my pubes?

I hate it when people talk and they're spitting all over you. Say it, don't spray it.

I hate it when people try to act like they're cool and hip just because they're with their friends.

I hate it when ugly people say, “I need to get some beauty sleep.” You don't need beauty sleep, you need to hibernate for several winters.

I hate people bombarding me with questions and advice when I'm in the doctors' waiting room. I'm here to see a doctor, not to have strangers quiz me and tell me what they think is wrong with me.

I hate people that slag you off one day and come up to you a few days later and talk like nothing's happened.

I hate people who are desperate to be loved.

I hate people who can't roll a joint but say they can, and then spend about twenty minutes making a manky spliff that's soaked in spit.

I hate people who constantly go on about their ex. Go and rant to your ex instead of to me!

I hate people who eat noisily. Seriously, learn some manners.

I hate people who lie about silly things. Come on! We all already know the truth! Lying about it just makes you look stupid.

I hate those people on social media who are so desperate for attention.

I hate to see any person or animal hurt, especially when I know there is someone else around who would treat them better.

I hate when I look horrible in a group picture and the person who took it puts it up on their social media page.

I hate when I see somebody with a bright future ahead of them throw it all away by getting involved with drugs and crime and gangs.

I hate when people cuss when they're mad.

I hate when people get abusive over the phone or internet. If you wouldn't say something to a person's face, you shouldn't say it when you're not face to face.

I hate when people have something posted for all to see and then say it's an 'inside joke'. If it's an 'inside joke', keep it inside.

I hate when people spell 'come' like 'cum' as a form of shorthand. Don't you know what the word 'cum' means?

I hate writing negative reviews. It just makes me sad that everyone worked so hard only to end up with something bad.

I hate you with a passion. But unfortunately I can never let you go.

I have a debonair sense of style but my clothes just don't reflect it yet.

I have a disease. It's called awesomeness. But don't worry. It's not contagious.

I have a mate who's a comedian but he has stage fright so bad he can only perform without a spotlight on him. He says he's a dimwit.

I have a question. Why do people call the vagina a box? Where did this stem from? Of all things, all shapes, a box?

I have a very broad sense of humor. I laugh at everything.

I have deleted all my YouTube accounts and various uploads because I'm not getting any money from all the hard work I've put in.

I have loads more time for social media when I'm at work in the office than when I'm at home.

I have no voice left and I my liver and my kidneys ache. Over the last five days I have done some serious damage to my body. There has been epic pissedness and partyage.

I have seen what some guys do behind their girlfriend's back. How naïve these girlfriends must be. And of course it works the other way round too.

I have the most horrible smile ever. I look like a retarded pedophile that's just walked into a children's pool party.

I have this one friend that so annoys me. She always has a smart/obnoxious reply that makes it seem like she's a know-it-all.

I have to clean up the mess after last night's vodka fest. I really mustn't invite my boozy friends round ever again.

I haven't had internet access since Friday and I'm unnaturally excited at the prospect of checking my e-mails and logging in to facebook. I am just such a sad git. I wish I could get a life.

I hold my tongue out of respect and politeness, but people are still rude to me.

I hope paper books never die out. Ebooks just aren't the same.

I just called my mate strange and he said, “Very true, but ordinary people are boring.” He is usually right with the things he says. It's so annoying.

I just downloaded eleven hundred books onto my Kindle. Now it's so heavy I can't lift it.

I just got a 'your order has been dispatched' email from Amazon. I was surprised, but then I realized it was a purchase I'd made when not entirely sober.

I just got five text messages one after the other and I thought it must be someone important, but it was only my mum.

I just had to explain what tea-bagging is in a call to one of our most important clients to dissuade them from using the word in one of their ad campaigns.

I just hate dadaism. Don't you?

I just heard my boyfriend on the phone saying, “She so pissed off me I handcuffed her to the bed and went out for the day.” Then I heard the front door closing.

I just read an article about how foie gras is made. Now I feel sick.

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking. It scared the hell out of me and made me realize I've got to give up. So from today, no more reading for me.

I just stuttered. WTF! I've never stuttered before. I'm known for being quick talking, witty and sarcastic. I always coming back straightaway with a sharp answer. Now I'm stuttering. Is this the end?

I keep getting lame invites to connect with people on LinkedIn. You weird ladder-climber types should leave me alone. I'm not socially or financially ambitious. I work in my pj's most days, and that's the way I want to keep it.

I keep old photos and messages in case I need them for blackmail.

I knew loving you would end in disappointment.

I know that reading other people's blogs and social media junk is creating dissatisfaction and lifestyle envy in me, but if I stop reading them, I might actually have to do some work.

I like hanging out with three sorts of people - humorous, intelligent and attractive.

I like how you still ask me for money even though we finished ages ago and you're living with someone else.

I like my women like I like my washing machines - they have to be able to take a huge load and wash my clothes.

I like pretty much all creatures, but mosquitoes are just flying leeches.

I like that new tool which renders all other tools obsolete. It's called a spannercea!

I like to ascend to the pinnacle of pomposity, meander through the thickets of mundanity, belly flop into the pool of banality, then dry myself in the heat of a barrage of bluntness.

I like to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline for a few hours.

I like to smell my partner's pillow, although I'll admit I do find it hard to breathe if they push it down on my face too hard.

I like to snatch kisses, and vice versa.

I like to stop the microwave with just one second left. It makes me feel like I'm James Bond and I've defused a bomb.

I like tricking French girls into saying, “I like Coke and peanuts.” Go on, try it yourself in a French accent.

I like when people lie to me but I already know the truth. Sometimes I just like to see how far they'll go even though I know they're lying.

I literally think that everyone has an STD of some sort. That's why I'm not prepared to take the risk of sleeping with anyone.

I look like a pretentious middle-class tosser. I'm wearing a Panama hat, reading New Scientist, and picking at falafels. But I am content.

I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?

I love being bald. There's no pressure on me to decide what color my hair should be, or what hairstyle I should have.

I love being immature. You get so many things to laugh at each day.

I love it wet and when it's dripping juice. It should be a nice pinkish red color. Sometimes it makes my hands get all sticky, but I don't care. I think watermelon is just amazing.

I love myself but I hate myself at the same time.

I love pandas. They're so chill. They're like, “Dude, racism doesn't work with me. I'm white, I'm black and I'm Asian.”

I love seeing big beautiful black families with kids and their mum and real dad because it's so rare.

I love shaming my brother by going into his history on his computer and showing my mum his porn.

I love winter. At least then I can get a blissful night's sleep instead of sweating like a pregnant nun all night like I do in the summer.

I make mistakes, but I make money, and that's really what matters.

I managed to annoy my boss within five minutes of getting to work. Well done, me! Today is going to be tough.

I may be living in sin, but if you tried living my life you probably wouldn't be able to overcome the temptation to sin either.

I mentally married and divorced a woman I passed on the street. I'm sure she mentally hates me for being a lousy mental husband.

I misread 'postmodern' as 'postmortem' and said, “What? You paint dead people?” I got the strangest look anyone's ever given me.

I miss him already, and no, this isn't a message from a side chick. I am the chick.

I miss my ex-girlfriend but she doesn't want me back. Yet all I want is her.

I need a social networking website where I can complain anonymously about the people I'm friends with on other social networking websites!

I need an infinitely big bucket to cry my never-ending tears into.

I need someone to diddle my fiddle, tickle my pickle, be jerkin' my gherkin, to handle my candle. Anyone? No? Oh, okay then.

I need to stop being so impatient, because no matter how much I might wish it to be so, the world does not revolve around me.

I need to stop closing my eyes when I kneel down to pray. When I have my eyes shut, the vicar keeps tea-bagging me.

I need to stop wasting time on people who are never there when I need them.

I never know if I should spell it 'Massachusetts' or just get in a drunken bar brawl and spew explosively over a blue collar worker. The sound should come out about right either way.

I often wonder what the world would be like if Steve Guttenberg had become the rebel and Mickey Rourke had done Police Academy.

I only associate with forward-looking, progressive people. The rest of you are just a waste of my precious time.

I only ever pass on other people's messages when I'm being uncreative and can't think up anything witty or useful to say myself.

I only follow the very finest people I can find on social media - people who are fun, fascinating, amazing, interesting, etc. Anything less would just be a waste of my time.

I own a bank. That makes me a banker. You haven't got any money. That makes you a ???????!

I possess several Edward de Bono hats, but the hat of mine that seems to get the most wear is my late father's hat - the cynic hat.

I pray to God I never have an ex-wife.

I predicted the invention of social media in 1989 when I uttered the words, “There's got to be another way we can all waste our time.”

I put my headphones on in the subway even though I'm not playing music just to pretend that I don't hear hobos asking for money.

I really can't deal with unprofessional, unreliable, untrustworthy people.

I really fancy ordering in some cocaine, a big box of wine and three hookers.

I really miss my baby-daddy. Ever since he died I haven't been interested in anyone else.

I really should go outside, but that means I would have to put clothes on.

I really should strive to be less aimlessly communicative on social media.

I refuse to go bungee jumping. I came into this world because of a broken rubber, and I'm not leaving it because of one.

I regret being your girl in the past. Actually I'm ashamed of being your ex-girlfriend.

I remember when I was a kid and wanted so bad to grow up, but now I would do anything to be a kid again.

I respect everyone as a human being but that doesn't mean I'm prepared to be your friend.

I saw a fat woman in town wearing a T-shirt that said, “I love hip hop.” I wondered what happened to the 'c' and 's' at the start of those two words.

I saw a guy in a wheelchair scold someone for holding a door open for him. He yelled, “I'm handi-capable!” He should work on being 'handi-not-a-dick'!

I saw a skunk and her four cute babies this morning, but it was even nicer to see their little fat bottoms scurrying away from me.

I saw a transvestite today wearing a T-shirt that just had one word written on it - 'Guess!'

I saw some children on a council estate today wearing last year's Nike trainers. I was shocked. We must end such terrible poverty!

I see men as unreliable. They'll build a life with you and then leave and go and live with another woman who has another man's kids.

I see the guy who invented the lava lamp now has a successful career designing vibrators.

I see through all my friends' bullsh*t and flaws but I stay friends with them because they see through my bullsh*t and flaws and stay friends with me.

I sit OK for a normal person to date someone who is bisexual?

I so dislike it when churches put on free concerts but then stop everything to ask for money.

I sometimes like to pretend my cuddly toys are worthless, homeless, jobless people and no one loves them but me.

I sometimes try to leave an open, empty condom wrapper under the passenger seat when I ride in my married friends' cars.

I spilt water all over my iPhone and now the apps don't work well and it can barely make any calls. It's pretty much exactly the same as when I bought it!

I stayed in a really old-fashioned hotel last night. This morning they sent me a wake-up letter.

I swear no one can say anything anymore without getting someone else's opinion back in return.

I think a bug just flew in my mouth. My first instinct was to swallow it. That either makes me a natural born killer or a big ho!

I think copy and paste is the greatest invention ever. I think copy and paste is the greatest invention ever. I think copy and …

I think everyone has an 'inner jerk' in them.

I think I'm afraid to be happy because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens.

I think it's cute when someone tells you straight up that they like you.

I think it's hilarious how losers criticize successful people for doing things that they themselves don't have the guts or ability to do.

I think most people talk just to hear themselves talk. 'Silent' and 'listen' both have the same letters. Think on those two words.

I think people with too many tattoos must have deliberately set out with the goal of making themselves unemployable.

I think reality shows are starting to rust the human soul.

I think that the whole system is corrupt and that therefore you have to be corrupt to get by and to get on. It's only the unlucky and the stupid who fail in this system.

I think the saying 'The world doesn't revolve around you' is wrong. Everyone's world revolves around themselves in some way or other.

I think we should increase the minimum age for smoking to eighty. If you live that long, you've earned that cigarette.

I thought I had no hot water, but then I realized I'd turned on the cold tap.

I thought of something really witty to send out a message about, but I was in the shower and couldn't do it straightaway. Now I've forgotten the clever thing I was going to say.

I thought the dog I'm baby-sitting was cute, until he farted. Worst fart I've ever smelt in my life!

I told him I was childish and immature. He just smiled and said, “Then take the journey of growing old with me.”

I told my mom that many men in show business are arse bandits, but she just looked at me uncomprehendingly.

I told this retard I needed some wood. He looked dumb and then said, “What kind of wood?”

I tried sniffing Coke but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.

I use social media as an outlet for my marriage malaise. It's not totally effective but it's cheaper than counseling.

I want a partner who's classy in public but who does all sorts of unconventional things behind closed doors.

I want people to use the word 'joshing' instead of 'joking'. It sounds so much cooler.

I want some social media followers. I don't mean I want to be like one of those old religious figures. I'd be a real imaginary friend!

I want to contradict the idea that a kick starter is a charity event or a lottery. It's a way of pre-selling art, creativity, inventiveness and new ideas with your fans being your investors.

I want to invent 'club-off' spray that removes the smell of nightclubs from your clothes the morning after.

I was going to call him a queer, but I don't want to offend any of my non-heterosexual followers.

I was only fifteen minutes late, but the way my mate is treating me you'd think I'd walked into his house and shat on the carpet.

I was shocked to find that one of my boobs is higher than the other, so I showed my husband. He said with astonished, “You've just noticed?”

I was that kid in math class who was always saying, “Are we even ever going to use this in life?” And I was so right. We never were going to use it.

I was woken up by my neighbors hammering a nail into the wall at 03.30 this morning. How brilliant must their picture be for them to have to hang it at 03.30 in the morning? What is it? A f*!king Warhol?

I wear a scent that acts as a cougar magnet.

I went downstairs and my mum's watching Home Alone all by herself. What a sweetie.

I will beat the next person who suggests that computer games cause people to be violent.

I will gladly hang up on anyone who's on the phone with me just because they want someone to talk to.

I will not give in to my desperation and sadness. Somehow I will rise from it and above it. I will rise like a phoenix and I will grow.

I wish cougars were really as hot as they are in the cougarlife.com commercial, but really they're old, wrinkly, hairy and saggy.

I wish I could choose which memories I could remember.

I wish my cat wouldn't eat so much grass. It makes her puke. But she still eats it. Is she a grass addict?

I wish my mate would stop referring to Gay Pride as The Bumfest Bonanza.

I wish social media was real life so that people could just be silenced when they talk too much or talk rubbish.

I wish some people could understand how hard it is to actually admit you're gay/lesbian/bisexual. They actually think it's easy.

I wish the people who are anti-divorce had my abused childhood, then they'd know how important it is for one parent to be able to divorce the other bad parent.

I wish you were here in my room on my bed with the lights off under the blanket so I can show you my new watch that glows in the dark.

I wish you would be honest instead of lying about stupid stuff. It only makes you look that much more stupid when the truth does eventually come out.

I wonder if he's thinking about me right now. I wonder if he'll text me. Do I even matter to him any more? Or was my mother right?

I won't vilify in the open those I invited to get in touch with me. I'd rather be as kind as I am capable of being.

I work with one of the dumbest people around. I should fart in their locker, close it and then watch them open it later on.

I would call you a c*?t, but that would imply you had depth and warmth.

I would like to thank my ex-wife for not letting me see my children on Father's Day.

I would rather use my time making money than spending money.

I’m suffering the recurrence of a particular physical malady at the moment and my urologist is away on vacation.

I'd prefer you to call me eccentric rather than weird.

I'd rather be a rich nobody than a broke somebody.

I'd rather have an enemy who says to my face that they hate me than have a 'friend' who puts me down behind my back.

Idealism is what preceeds experience and cynicism is what follows it.

If a colleague next to you farts all day and you know you've inhaled enough poo-gas for a turd to form in your lungs, should you say something (assuming you're still capable)?

If a woman asks you a question, it's better to just give her the truth. Chances are she's asking you because she already knows the answer anyway.

If an American young person aspires to be a doctor and their parents aren't millionaires, they have to go into almost life-long debt to get through college/university and medical school to achieve it.

If at first you don't succeed, cheat, cheat, and then lie.

If at first you don't succeed, find someone who does the thing you don't succeed at and who fails at it even more than you do …and laugh at them!

If being right made arrogance acceptable, I would be so obnoxious. Unfortunately in this world it seems to work in reverse. The people who are wrong are arrogant.

If everything was privatized, would we still have to pay tax? I thought so.

If Facebook, Twitter and Youtube were combined, it would be called You Twit Face.

If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.

If God wants you to win the Lotto, he'll let you win it. If He doesn't let you win it, it means He wants you to work for your money.

If I can't get pregnant naturally, I'm adopting a kid.

If I could bottle up the feeling you get while looking at porn on the internet and I could then sell that feeling, I would get about a zillion billion dollars.

If I die before I wake up, I pray that the Lord will delete my browsing history.

If I ever argued back to my mum the way my dad argues back to my mum, I'd get murdered.

If I fell from this balcony, would I survive? I'm not suicidal. I'm just curious.

If I had a funeral service for every sperm I've killed off, I'd never get anything done. R.I.P., you brave little soldiers.

If I look for something it takes me ages to find it, but my mum can find things in seconds. I reckon she must hide stuff deliberately so she knows where it is.

If I sense that you don't really want me speaking to you, then I won't speak to you. I just have nothing to say to anyone who doesn't like me.

If I wasn't sad I wouldn't have anything to write jokes about, except shitting and fucking and politics and culture and religion and death and farting.

If I'm supposed to have all these illegitimate kids running around out there, where are they all on Father's Day, huh? I didn't get a single card from any of them.

If my mind can conceive it and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it.

If nobody tries to chat up your partner, you're a loser.

If one more politician says, “God bless America!” I'm going to puke, not because I'm an atheist, but because it's such a cliché.

If only there could be no wind when it rains, umbrellas would be much easier to use.

If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy.

If skinny people go skinny dipping, what do fat people do?

If somebody sneezes and you don't say, “Bless you!” is that rude?

If someone doesn't appreciate and value you, why are you still with them? Shouldn't that be the sign that either you need to leave or you need to send them packing?

If someone's breath smells like shit, would their blowjobs be considered anal sex?

If the person you're dating ends things but asks if you can still be friends, say, “Of course, but just not with each other.”

If things go wrong and you hit a dead end, that's just life's way of telling you it's time to change direction.

If we could all remember school subjects like we remember song lyrics, we'd all be straight A students.

If we hate someone, we often tell them so without fear. If we love someone, we often fear to tell them so.

If women ruled the world, there would be no wars, just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

If you ain't running with it, you're running from it.

If you are gifted but lacking in character, it will be difficult for you to succeed, but very easy for you to bring shame on yourself.

If you aren't getting the money you want, try doing something different. Try doing more.

If you can make someone laugh you have a chance of making them do anything.

If you cannot take a few seconds to write me a personal note explaining why you want to get linked with me on LinkedIn, then what is my motivation to link with you?

If you can't be happy sober, you sure can't be happy drunk.

If you can't come up with any grander or nobler ambitions, at least have the ambitions of having as much fun as possible and staying alive and healthy for as long as possible.

If you can't decide what pedigree dog to get, get a mongrel. It'll probably have the genes of half a dozen pedigree pooches in it from sometime back in the past.

If you cheat on someone who's a good partner to you, you're actually cheating yourself.

If you compare yourself to others, you may become vain or bitter, because there will always be people lesser and greater than yourself.

If you continue and go on until you've given everything you have, you will never have any regrets. You might not succeed, but failure always comes to those who quit too soon.

If you did not see it with your own eyes or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth.

If you don't get enough sleep you'll become fatter, dumber and less attractive.

If you don't know the difference between “your” and “you're”, an easy way to remember it is to learn it.

If you don't learn at least one new thing a day from social media, you're connecting with the wrong people.

If you drink a glass of water before you go to sleep, you won't have stinky breath in the morning.

If you ever think your invention idea is stupid and won't make money, just remember how many people bought a Snuggie or a Slinky … or a Pet Rock.

If you ever worry you've made bad choices, just remember the world's youngest grandma is twenty-three years old.

If you experience a lot of frustration in life, the intelligent thing to do is develop a positive response to frustration.

If you fear you're losing your mind and going crazy, relax, you aren't. Truly crazy don't think they're crazy.

If you fight like a married couple, talk like best friends, flirt like first loves and protect each other like siblings, then your relationship is meant to be.

If you give support, you'll get support.

If you give your children bad names, or, worse still, call them bad names, does it make them grow up to be bad?

If you have a moustache and a snotty nose, remember to carry tissues or a handkerchief with you.

If you have a partner who consistently takes their phone with them every time they leave the room, don't trust them.

If you have problems it's almost certainly your own fault.

If you heard something about me, why don't you come to me first and ask whether it's true before you go repeating it to other people?

If you keep on having to figure out where you stand with someone, maybe it's time to start walking instead of standing.

If you live to please others, everyone will love you except yourself.

If you look both ways when you cross one-way streets, does that make you a pessimist, a cynic or a realist?

If you love a person, don't give up on them. Just wait for them. And if that person still won't love you back, just wait until your heart voluntarily quits.

If you suspect someone's checking you out, yawn. If they yawn back, they were checking you out. (Yawning is visually contagious.)

If you use LinkedIn, check your privacy settings. You're automatically opted in for social ads (ads that use your info) and enhanced ads (from 3rd parties).

If your mind is wrong, if you're living wrong, no money can ever correct that.

If your opponents are temperamental, seek to irritate them. Pretend to be weak so that they grow arrogant and over-confident.

If your partner can put up with you through your worst days and stick with you despite your mistakes and failings, you should make sure you never let them go.

If your partner has long hair, when the time is right, pull it gently. If they don't enjoy it, it means they're not really that into you.

If your relationship has more issues than a magazine stand, then I suggest you cancel your subscription.

If you're a man who's ever hit a woman, then you're scum and not a real man. A real man simply ignores his woman and busies himself with social media.

If you're black, you're a criminal. If you're blonde, you're stupid. If you smile, you're fake. If you wear a short skirt, you're a slut. Stereotypes - dontcha just love 'em!

If you're going to be successful you should expect more criticism than praise.

If you're going to make a request to God, don't ask him to give you money, ask him to give you the ability to make money.

If you're going to sell your soul, make sure they pay you enough to satisfy your flesh.

If you're out of your teens and you still have your hair in braids, you are one sad female. Grow up!

If you're so desperate for followers on social media you should change your name to WillSwallowForAFollow.

If you're still behaving badly at the age of thirty, you're not bad, you're just a fool.

If you're wasting your life, you're doing it voluntarily, so don't complain. It's your life. Change it. Commit to doing something productive with it.

If you've got a good body and a nice face but your personality is bad, people will only remember your personality.

If, as you say, your ex-partner was so rotten, why did you go with them in the first place, and why did you stay with them? Bad-mouthing them says more about you than them.

Ignorance is its own worst enemy because it gives rise to conceit, arrogance and self-delusion.

I'm a hypocrite, but most people are, so I'm cool.

I'm a teenager and I ask my parents a simple 'yes' or 'no' question, and instead of an answer I get a lecture. Teen-rades, does this happen to you?

I'm a woman who hates being alone, but I hate men. That's going to be a problem, because I'm not into eating the box.

I'm about to do something so stupid that I'll have to go into hiding afterwards.

I'm actually not funny, but when I'm saying something really mean, people think I'm joking.

I'm actually vexed. What made her feel it was OK to smell like that and then make me put my nose there?

I'm amazed by how many different cell phone numbers my friends have gone through. I've still got the same one I've had for the past nine years. What prompted them (or forced them?) to change theirs?

I'm an organ donor, ladies, so if you're in need of an emergency organ, you can fall on me.

I'm as busy as a beaver that's hungry for wood.

I'm bisexual. Buy me something and then I might be prepared to get sexual!

I'm completely lacking in awareness, so I just say whatever comes into my head.

I'm curled up in the futile position.

I'm definitely not going to marry my boyfriend. He's a tosspot. (But if so, why have I got him as my boyfriend?)

I'm different, I'm difficult, awkward and real, you may get me, you may not, I hope you do, but I really don't care if you don't.

I'm eating my girlfriend while she's eating junk food.

I'm falling in love with you too fast, but every time I try to slow down, my heart ignores me.

I'm feeling quite gruntled today.

I'm find politeness quite attractive.

I'm finding out that more and more people I know have got an STD. Some of them you'd never know, but others you can definitely tell.

I'm going through my first eBay experience. I can't stand the tension as the auction reaches its final few seconds!

I'm going to audit some business classes in the fall. I'm super excited about it. Am I a nerd for loving learning?

I'm going to be a pretentious prick and read a book on philosophy in Starbucks.

I'm going to bed and having a foursome tonight. There'll be my bed, my pillow, my comforter and myself. We're going to have mad, passionate sleep!

I'm going to my Alcoholics Anonymous meeting today and I'm going to confess that I find life really boring now that I don't drink any more.

I'm hallitophobic.

I'm having a beer. A root beer, that is. Wholesome is the new cool. Stay sober, kids. You'll feel and look a lot better.

I'm having one of those days where I look absolutely revolting. I feel sorry for anyone having to look at me.

I'm in big trouble. My girlfriend has found out about my fiancée. Now they're both on their way to my house to tell my wife!

I'm in Newport, Kentucky, with a debonair black artist gentleman and a heavily tattooed Jewish teenage pothead girl.

I'm just back from a week-long, technology-free camping holiday and I'm desperate to exercise my itchy social media fingers again.

I'm learning new words tonight. A minger is a male or female who fell out of the ugly tree at birth and hit every branch on the way down.

I'm leaving my facial hair on. It makes me look more mature.

I'm like a handkerchief - if you act snotty with me, I'll wipe you out!

I'm mature enough to forgive you but I'm not dumb enough to trust you.

I'm no longer afraid to ask people for help when I need it.

I'm not a woman who wrecks couples' homes. I only show up when the home is already broken. I mean let's be honest, I can't take a man from his woman unless he wants to be taken.

I'm not going to lie. I would choose friends on social media over friends in real life any day.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than you because I use proper punctuation; I'm implying it with a semicolon.

I'm not so much your ex-partner as the best thing you ever let go.

I'm not sure how hygienic it is to use the same buzzer to trim your pubic hair and your facial hair.

I'm not trying to push my values onto others, I'm trying to beat my values into them!

I'm now a proper dad. I'm carrying around a pocket full of tissues that are crusty and slimy with my sick child's snot. Give me a shout-out!

I'm now going to put on some Tom Waits, pour a glass of red wine, and mellow out.

I'm off to hospital to comfort a cripple.

I'm polite and nice to others, and they're the same with me. As they say, what you give is what you get.

I'm really starting to hate my dreams. Is there a happy dream pill I can take before going to sleep?

I'm really worried about the mortality of Facebook. I think it'll die before I do.

I'm reliving my childhood with Fruit Stripe Gum, but obviously I've grown into a cynic because the flavor only lasts for one minute and the stick-on tattoos don't work.

I'm retiring from the occupation of 'thinker' and taking up a new career as a 'dreamer'.

I'm sick and tired of working with ignorant, silly, ill-intentioned hypocrites. (Do you think I should change my job?)

I'm so stressed out. I have to make a tough decision soon and I know it will involve hurting somebody's feelings.

I'm so tired of people who constantly complain about their lives but who do nothing to make things better.

I'm sorry, but if you get married then divorced but me and your husband were always cool together and we're still cool, we're going to stay cool.

I'm still considering whether to delete my Facebook account. Facebook is just getting more and more pointless by the day.

I'm still waiting for you, and I'll keep waiting until I find you. I don't know who you are, but you own a piece of my heart. I will only be whole when we're together.

I'm succumbing to Facebook lists, so I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon dividing 1200 friends into 'Snog', 'Marry' and 'Avoid'.

I'm such a fatso. Corned beef, eggs and rice for breakfast, and then an extra helping!

I'm sure people love all the drama on TV because they've got nothing going on in their own lives.

I'm sure Reality is a lovely place but I wouldn't want to live there.

I'm surrounded by drunk, middle-aged Scottish men on a commuter train … at 8.30 in the morning!

I'm thinking twice and analyzing everything before I make any decisions. I don't want to find myself saying, “I wish I knew then what I know now,” (again).

I'm thirty and I'm getting broody. I need some man. I don't even care what he's like, so long as he can pay maintenance.

I'm too hot to be sober but too smart to take drugs.

I'm trying to split up with my partner but they're photo-blackmailing me.

I'm waiting for my bloke and his brother to collapse into a real ale-induced stupor so that I can then get some shut-eye.

I'm waiting for some shitlet to text me back.

I'm warm and dozy in Paris, like a bee drunk on too many sticky pastries. I'm veering into people and going across traffic signals when I shouldn't.

In a relationship you should keep your and your partner's personal business to yourself. If you have any problems, you don't help solve them by revealing them to the world.

In a relationship, you'd better learn how to satisfy your partner, or someone else will.

In a world full of lies, hype and complexity, I'm searching for sincerity.

In any relationship there's always one person who likes the other person more than the other person likes them. Whatever you do, do not be that first person.

In every country there are two countries - the one that is doing very well, and the other one that is struggling.

In her afternoon briefing today, M said I was pretentious. Pretentious? Me? I nearly choked on my Beluga caviar and Dom Perignon Champagne.

In most cases silence is just a sign of apathy and indifference.

In my country, old men now have young Thai and Philippine brides.

In my moment of distress at realizing that one of my two hop rhizomes had been dug up by my dog, I mowed over the other one. Double calamity!

In seventy-five years the human heart pumps over three billion gallons of blood, enough to fill an oil tanker almost fifty times.

In the 1990's we had Clinton in office. We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have Obama in office and we have no Hope and no Cash.

In the bath I turn on the hot water and submerge myself and pretend I'm being boiled alive by a witch.

In the end we only regret the chances we didn't take, the relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we took too long to make.

In the future, everyone famous will parade their mental health issues in the media. They'll call it 'mentertainment'!

In these days of quiet desperation, as I wander through the world, I seek words of wisdom, let it be, let it be.

Indoctrinated minds so very often contain sick thoughts and they very often commit many of the evils they preach against.

Inside every cynic there is a disappointed idealist.

Interesting question - what is an acceptable level of sadism in collision sports? When does a competitive athlete cross over into becoming a psychopath?

Interview with religious guy on TV. Interviewer - “So your new DVD is coming out next week. That's marvelous. Now tell me about your relationship with God.” Religious guy - “I'm very spiritual. By the way, did I mention my new DVD is coming out next week?”

Is dogging where a crowd of people intensely watch you walk your dog?

Is Facebook going to be another Bebo or MySpace?

Is it acceptable for a man to have a white iPhone?

Is it just me or has Skype become unreliable since it was bought by Microsoft?

Is it still called ogling when ladies do it?

Is it still true that a successful man is one who makes more money than his woman can spend, and a successful woman is one who can find such a man?

Is it true that people get more and more like their same-sex parent as they get older? If so, I need to split up with my partner now.

Is it weird to say I have a strange feeling that the person I am going to marry is someone I've already met? I just don't know it's them yet, whoever they are.

Is it wrong of me to be attracted to someone solely because they resemble my favorite porn star?

Is teaching a profession? It never seems to have the status of, say, medicine or law.

Is the grass really greener on the other side?

Is there anything better at the end of a long day's work than falling into a deep sleep?

Isn't a family about supporting each other, no matter what? Then why does my family hate everything I love and avoid me all the time?

Isn't it a knock-back when you smile at a stranger to be pleasant and polite and they completely ignore you?

Isn't it annoying when people think you're joking but really you're being deadly serious?

Isn't it annoying when you're making yourself food and out of politeness you ask everybody if they want some … and they say yes!

Isn't it great when you clock out after a stressful day at work and think, “Thank God I'm free!”?

It does annoy me that whenever I'm ill everyone is super nice to me, yet normally most people are completely horrible to me.

It doesn't really motivate you to do a class in the gym when you see the instructor walk in and they're in worse shape than you are.

It feels funny seeing people my age or younger who have children when I don't yet have any.

It hurts to see the one person you love, love someone else, and to know that you are nothing more to them now than just a friend, if that.

It hurts when I swallow, so it looks as if tonight I'm going to have to spit instead for my man.

It hurts when someone you love lies to you.

It is better having one person working with you than three working for you.

It is imagination that has brought humankind through the dark ages to its present state of civilization.

It is time to call a parasite a parasite, and anyone who lives off the work and hard labor of others is a parasite.

It is wise to take a close look into the world of your mind and to make the distinction between beneficial and harmful states of mind. (God, am I pretentious!)

It isn't because of what women say in their profiles on dating sites that men like them, but because of how they look in their photos.

It isn't the hoes who are passing round the STDs. They know they've got to be careful because it's their livelihood. It's the so-called good girls who are spreading round the diseases.

It makes me sad that in this age of computers and video games my children will never experience the joy of being brought up by television!

It makes me smile when I prove somebody wrong and they just stand there with a dumb look on their face, not knowing what to say any more.

It seems weird that people who are only connected with a handful of people on their social media account have nonetheless sent out something like 5,000 messages. What drivel are these people spouting?

It smells like a stinky-boy is living in my girlfriend's house. I wonder how long this boyfriend of hers is staying.

It takes 10,000 hours minimum before you become really good at anything and before you're able to do exactly the right thing at the right moment every time.

It takes twenty years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. Think about that, and it will make you behave suitably cautiously.

It takes two assholes, not one, to leave a dog turd in the middle of the sidewalk.

It won't kill you to be in mental pain or feel confused, no matter how hard it seems, and feelings change as you learn to tolerate them.

It's 2 a.m. and I'm not asleep. I'm going on social media again and this time I'm going to start a club called “The Insomniacs' Social Media Support Group”.

It's a bad idea for me to be away from email for five days. When I come back I'm snowed under with messages.

It's a baking hot day and I've just opened my car door to be greeted by the smell of overheated body odor and sunscreen. I'm either going to have to get a new car or I'm going to have to start showering more often.

It's a beautiful night. We're looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, let's get married!

It's a big mistake to get all mouthy with other people.

It's always funny to hear someone who you know has a local accent talking posh to a stranger or someone they want to impress.

It's amazing what people won't try for fear of making a mistake. For everyone who doesn't try, someone else is rejoicing that they have less competition.

It's amazing when people who were strangers eventually become the best of friends, but it's sad when people who were the best of friends eventually become strangers.

It's awkward when you find out one of your friends is pregnant and they don't want the baby and they're broke, but you still have to smile and say, “Congratulations!” to them.

It's been said that the behavior of the drunkard and the lover are similar.

It's beer o'clock!

It's better to forgive and forget than to remember and regret.

It's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do.

It's cack weather right now.

It's crazy how many black college students say they've got money on their mind but they never show up to a Financial Education workshop.

It's crazy how people wait until you die either to say how much they loved you or to criticize you.

It's difficult not to feel nervous around people who intimidate you.

It's easy to get to the top once you've got through the crowd at the bottom.

It's good if you can learn from your mistakes, but better still is if you can learn from other people's and avoid making any of your own.

It's good to be someone's first boyfriend or girlfriend but it's even better to be their last boyfriend or girlfriend.

It's hard to keep waiting for something you know will never happen, but it's even harder to give it all up when you know it's everything you want.

It's hard when you're trying to be a real friend to someone by telling them the truth but they're so blind to the reality of their situation that they say you're just being a hater.

It's horrible having a crush on a totally unsuitable person. Potentially dangerous too.

It's income tax time again! Did you ever notice that when you put the words 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'THEIRS'?

It's late on Father's Day and I've not spoken to my dad yet. Do children from broken homes still have to 'do' Father's Day? I mean, come on! Wouldn't a text message be good enough?

It's never too late to be what you could have been, so go for it now.

It's OK talking the talk, but if you can't walk the walk, you're just a bag of wind.

It's only a gift if it's given without expectation of anything in return, otherwise it's just a bribe.

It's sad knowing that the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is go on social media.

It's sad when yet another failed 80's or 90's band needs money and it goes on tour to play the only hit it ever had, along with a dozen songs no one knows.

It's said that Americans are arrogant and that they take things too personally.

It's so annoying when people have been going out for like two days and they're already saying, “I love you,” and, “No, I love you more.” It's so sick and so shallow.

It's so annoying when people put you on hold.

It's so important to remember that building relationships takes time. You shouldn't expect to get immediate results.

It's such a relief to take off my push-up bra after a hard day of pretending I have tits.

It's surprising the number of people who will try to chat someone up even if they're with a partner.

It's terrible to be ignored by someone you're infatuated with.

It's terrible when you know you're losing someone and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

It's the day before my exams, and instead of revising I'm just playing games on my computer. I'm going to end up working at Wal-Mart.

It's true that condoms are cheaper than diapers, but swallowing is free.

I've already jerked off twice today. It'll soon be time to rub out number three.

I've been charting how often I get turned on by German female tennis stars. I'm measuring it by using a Stiffy Graph.

I've been rather sensible today on social media and have come across to other people rather well, I think.

I've been told I have a very trusting and friendly face. Since I'm a cynic, I see this as a damning criticism.

I've come a long way in life pretty much on my own. It's a shame I have haters. You'd think people would respect my struggle and hard work.

I've come to a decision on getting my stitches removed. I have a friend who is a nurse. She'll remove them for me. It means I get a professional job done without having to go back into hospital.

I've discovered I'm sitting near my ex-girlfriend in this restaurant I'm in. She hasn't spotted me yet. I don't know whether to keep trying to hide or to try to leave without her seeing me.

I've done a lot of crazy, uncalled-for stuff in my time but I don't regret any of it. I've learnt from all of it.

I've got almost three hundred people listening to what I say on my social media account. That means I'm slowly climbing up the social media ladder.

I've got half a tank of gas and a hundred bucks. Now I can go pick up a hookers!

I've got to keep my man happy, because if I don't, some other woman will. And I want to please him anyway because he does such a good job of pleasing me.

I've invented a cocktail called 'Kir Pleb'. It's like Kir Royale, but instead of Champagne, you make it with a cheap fizzy substitute.

I've invented a word to describe myself - 'demotional'. It means to be deeply emotional yet strangely detached. Try to invent a word that best and uniquely describes yourself and let people know what it is.

I've just been told “I've been using computers since before you were born” by a woman who can't get her laptop to work.

I've just had a post-prandial afternoon nap. Now I'm suffering post-nap languor.

I've just realized how see-through leggings actually are, so I hope you've all enjoyed a lovely view of my knickers over the years.

I've just seen one of my social media messages being forwarded on by someone who isn't even in my social media circle. It's as if I'm good enough for a one-night stand but not for a relationship.

I've never been poor. I've only been broke. Being poor is a frame of mind. Being broke is just a temporary situation.

I've noticed that since I've gone teetotal I'm no longer easily amused. Rather, I just find everyhing annoying.

I've only recently begun to appreciate the pleasure of sleeping with nothing on.

I've woken up dozy this morning.

I've worked hard for everything I have but I don't have everything I've worked for.


J

Jaded cynicism is so passé.

Japan leads the world in condom use. Like cosmetics, they're sold door to door by women.

Judging by the look of them, summer school must be for the special needs kids.

Just because people fornicate it doesn't mean that their relationship wasn't created by God. It just means that Satan is also present in the relationship.

Just because you have money it doesn't mean you have style.

Just because you've got used to someone doesn't mean they are right for you.

Just enjoy yourself. Experience the evolving, revolving self-destroying world as it is. Don't wish it to be different.

Just showed my 6-year-old son E.T. for the very first time. Wish I had a photo of his face when Elliott's bike first took off flying!

Just tried my phone's sat nav. Never again. The woman on there is a right bossy cow.


K

Keep dreaming until your dreams come true. (But don't forget to actually do something about making your dreams come true.)

Keep strife out of your life. Strife distracts and exhausts you. Successful people keep all unnecessary drama out of their lives.

Keep your mouth closed when you breathe. You look like you're missing a chromosome.

Kids from broken homes probably never hear, “I love you,” or “You're going to do well in life.” Shame on single parents.

Kids today can't spell, but try this - my parole officer said if I miss disappointment, they is going to send me back to lock-up.

Kindness and generosity is the greatest wisdom.

Kittens do that newborn crying thing. They're so sweet. Like babies, but less expensive and demanding.

Knowledge is power. The most successful people in life are the ones with the best information. Power is knowing how to make things happen and then making them happen.


L

Ladies, desperation is something no amount of make-up can ever hide.

Ladies, don't look for a man to solve your problems. Just find a man who'll stand by you and help you face up to them.

Ladies, if you have to ask him to commit, he's not ready. Men voluntarily commit when they're ready.

Ladies, the reason why you can't find a good-looking, sensitive, caring man is because those men already have boyfriends!

Last Friday night we went streaking in the park, skinny dipping in the dark, and then had a ménage à trois.

Last night I dreamed I ate a muffler. I woke up this morning exhausted.

Last time I drank too much I woke up on the wrong side of an MF threesome!

Laugh and the world will laugh with you. Cry and everyone will laugh even harder at you!

Lazy creatures that we are, we find it easier to envy people rather than change ourselves and do what is necessary to become like they are.

Learn from your past mistakes, because if you don't, you will keep on making the same mistakes over and over.

Learning from failure is a bit like making compost - it stinks at first, but you end up with something valuable.

Let a religion guide you and help you develop your values if you wish, but don't attempt to impose that religion on others in any way.

Let yourself be silently drawn by the pull of what you really love.

Let's all be mature and start trending the word 'pissflaps'. For no other reason than that it's an amazing word. Who's in?

Let's give a round of applause for all the females who made it out of their teenage years without getting pregnant!

Life consists not in holding good cards, but in playing the cards you hold well.

Life is crap but you just have to try to pick out the best bits.

Life is full of surprises. As well as logical outcomes for which you can prepare, there are variables that always stop you from predicting what will happen from the data you've got.

Life is short, live it. Love is rare, grab it. Anger is bad, dump it. Fear is awful, face it. Memories are sweet, cherish them.

Life is short, so be slow to kiss, quick to laugh, love truly and forgive quickly.

Life is short. Time is fleeting. Purity of the heart is the gateway to God. Aspire. Renounce. Meditate. Be good. Do good.

Life is way too short to waste your time with people who suck all the happiness out of you.

Life is what happens to you while you're making plans for the future. Learn to live for the moment.

Life would be much easier if people came with instruction manuals telling you how to handle them and use them.

Life's too short to wait to 'remove usb safely'.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Like a midget at a urinal, I'm always on my toes.

Listen to everyone, because even fools can teach you something. They can teach you what not to be like and what not to do.

Listen you gays, God gave you a cock for producing babies. Understand?

Listen, if I disconnect from you on social media, it's no big deal. Feel free to do the same to me.

Live life to the full because you only get one shot at it.

Live life today, because tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone.

Live without pretending, love without depending, listen without defending, speak without offending.

Look, I don't think I'm saying anything extreme here, but if your government doesn't make it compulsory for all male babies to be circumcised, it must mean it is anti-Semitic.

Lord, please help me to love people for who they are and not to criticize them for what they are not.

Losing your moral compass is sometimes just what you need to find your way to worldly success.

Love hurts, boys lie, friends cry, people die, parents yell, you always try, you're never good enough, but you don't know why.

Love is a sickness of the heart and mind.

Love is like the wind … you can't see it but you can feel it.

Love is like two people holding onto a strong rubber band. Both pull, and then when one person let's go, it's the person who's still holding on that gets hurt.

Love is stupid and annoying and it smells. Who the hell invented it? I'm going to sue them for all the emotional trauma it's given me.

Love shows itself in actions, not words.

Love sometimes feels like a beautiful dove is crapping on your head.

Love, compassion and wisdom constitute not only the essence of the Buddha nature but the means of attaining it too.

'Loyalty' is an endangered species, and 'Faithful' is already extinct.

Loyalty should never be taken for granted. People and circumstances change, and so do their loyalties.

Luckily these people don't have the power to upset my plans, so I can ignore them completely.


M

Make a habit of forgiving, but not forgetting.

Make every day count, because one day when you grow old you'll regret not doing the things you wanted to do.

Man to woman: - “Do you want to hear a joke about my penis? You can't. It's too long!” Woman to man: “Do you want to hear a joke about my vagina? No. You'll never get it!”

Marilyn Monroe would be considered curvy or even chubby in this generation. A bit of a lard bucket actually.

Maybe I was just a conquest to him. I feel as though it was like that.

Me and my teenage sister have started saving up to buy our own place so we can get away from mom and dad. I hope we can do it within a year. Two at the outside.

Me no study. Me no care. Me go marry a millionaire. If he die, me no cry. Me go marry another guy.

Mediocrity will always try to drag excellence down to its own level. Don't trade your superiority for their inferiority.

Meet people, talk to people, make direct contact. Not everything is achievable just by using the internet or mobile phones.

Men - masturbating at least five times a week can reduce your risk of prostate cancer by more than thirty per cent.

Men are born between the legs of a woman, and then they spend much of their lives trying to get back between the legs of a woman. I suppose there's no place like home.

Men are quick to knock a girl up and start broken families before they then go on to settle down and start a real family. This just creates more broken hearts, more broken homes, and more screwed-up children.

Messages in the morn are 55% grumpy, 11% travel vitriol, 8% sweary, 5% Apple stuff and the rest are about kittens or food.

Mmmmm, there's something about guys in uniform! My favorite uniform is the one the guys wear at my local fast food drive-thru.

Modern popular music inspires me in the sense that it is the complete opposite of everything I find tasteful.

Mom and dad, this is my life. I live it according to my dreams, not your dreams. You had your chance to live the way you wanted, but now it's my turn.

Mom says God takes care of old folks and fools. Mom gets looked after twice then!

Mommy, if your cute little kid's words were worth sending out on social media, it would have stolen your device and done it itself.

Money brings freedom to buy what you want, do what you want with your time, be where you want, to enjoy the finer things in life, to help others, and not to have to waste time and energy worrying about paying bills.

Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Money is the new sex.

Monogamy and fidelity are unattainable ideals and are against our intrinsic nature.

Monogamy would be alright if other people didn't have such a tendency to be unfaithful.

More than 850,000 US deaths per year are linked to poverty, inequality, racial segregation and low levels of education.

More than one million people in the U.S. have HIV, but 20% of them don't know it.

More women are injured by their partners than by rape, auto accidents and muggings combined.

Mothers have a tremendous ability to inspire. They inspire their children, they inspire their men. Women have great influence in the world, but they don't always appreciate it.

Mr. Impossible is a paradox. If he can do it, it's possible. His name is an oxymoron. So is he.

Much of the heartache we experience is directly related to our unrealistic expectations of other people.

Mum, don't you ever make my bed while my cuddly toy is still sleeping!

My 60-year-old boss said to me, “I love the fact that you're a piss head, darling.” Is that supposed to be a compliment?

My advice to people who can't bear to give their unsatisfactory partner is this - it's much better to waste a year or two dating than to waste ten or twenty years in a bad marriage.

My baby sister won't take my high heel shoes off. She doesn't realize they make her look like a little tranny.

My back is all itchy. I've resorted to using a wire hairbrush on it because the repair men used my back scratcher to stir paint with and then they threw it away. Men!

My best friend really is two-faced.

My brain feels like mush today.

My brother has the same birthday as a famous Hollywood star, but that's the only thing they do have in common.

My brother is such a piss head that he's even forgotten that he was so drunk yesterday that he fell asleep on a park bench.

My brother needs to start taking some chill pills. He's screaming at the computer. That can't be good for him.

My brother said girls only orgasm because it's another chance for them to moan.

My brother went to work in a food factory, and when they told him to put a hairnet on, he pulled it down over his face as well.

My brothers and sisters have twenty-two children between them and I love them all. Why do I need to marry?

My city is the mouth breather capital of the world.

My common cousin just told me my expensive Ray Ban Wayfarers look like the 3D glasses they give away for free in cinemas. His generation has no class.

My computer is running slow due to a rack of lamb. Or is it a lack of ram? Anyway it's one or the other.

My connections with the people around me are evolving and becoming stronger and more mature. It's beautiful to see love grow.

My cougar is sitting here going on to me about her wayward daughters and I'm having to pretend to sympathize with her.

My cousin's most tasteless joke - Question: “What causes pedophilia?” Answer: “Sexy kids.”

My co-worker is trying to explain 'animal magnetism' to our Japanese co-worker, who is now confused and thinks I am into bestiality.

My dad gave me this advice. If you say you're going to do something, do it. If you say something, say what you mean. Make your word count for something.

My dad has pinched my keyboard and is now playing all the tunes stored in it one after the other. Bless him, he's drunk.

My dad just caught me ogling another kid from my school. Oops!

My dad stole a shopping cart from the supermarket today and brought it home. “Everyone has one,” he said. Yes, dad, everyone who's homeless!

My dad's given me some money to give to my sister. I feel like taking commission out of it, not because I need it, but just to annoy my sis.

My dog is giving me that 'let me go out and play' look. Do they teach puppies how to do emotional blackmail these days?

My dog's just walked into the room, made a smell, and walked out again.

My dreams are big and my sad life is small and pathetic.

My dress blew up right in front of some vile old man. At least I had nice knickers on!

My ex sent me a picture of her and her new boyfriend having sex. I forwarded it on to her dad!

My ex wasn't big but he wasn't small. He had the Webster's dictionary definition penis.

My ex-boyfriend hit on one of my best friends today. That truly shows how much he cared about me.

My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean.

My friend dated the whole football team before choosing the one wearing gloves. I think this one's a keeper.

My friend has an ex-police dog. It got thrown out of the police force because of its aggressive attitude to black folk. And that's true.

My friend lives in an area so posh that the people there with Tourette's Syndrome run round the streets shouting, “Fornicate! Fornicate!”

My friend sent me a text message and he don't hardly even know how to write.

My friend was suicidal and obese. To encourage him to get in shape I played a video of his dead grandma beckoning him towards a light above a treadmill.

My friends are just as screwy as me. What does that say about them? Hang on, what does that say about me?

My friends make me feel like such a loser because they all have partners and I don't.

My full tummy makes me look as if I'm pregnant, but the only baby I'll be having is a food baby!

My genitals should get out more often and make some new friends.

My girlfriend is mad at me. Naturally I have no idea why, and she's not going to tell me, but she just uttered that one dreaded sentence, “I'm fine,” and then went silent.

My granddad called me a Chatham slapper yesterday because I was born there and apparently Chatham is Slag Central.

My grandma says every baby is ugly.

My grandpa said if you want to understand what war is about, follow the money.

My granny must have been a slave in a previous life. She's always singing negro spirituals while she's working in the kitchen.

My hamster won't use its running wheel. “It makes no sense, dude,” he says to me. I admire his judgment.

My heart is pounding from the ordeal I just went through to get a stink bug out of my apartment. My neighbors probably think I someone just got murdered!

My husband and I are having a 'date night'. I can't wait to get groped in the backseat of his Ford car in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

My husband and I divorced today. We split the house between us. He got the outside!

My husband is the reason for the vibrator under my bed.

My iPhone's great for doing all the smart stuff, but it's rubbish for making phone calls.

My journey to the shaven side didn't go exactly as planned, and I now have a hairstyle down below that looks as though it was done by a blind person with Parkinson's.

My little boy may just be the biggest package of sweetness-meets-wildness ever created. I love that kid.

My mate and I went to recycle our empty glass bottles today. I dared him to put a green one in the brown bottle bank. He only went and did it! You should have seen us run!

My mom almost had an abortion when she was pregnant with me. I'm glad she didn't. I've loved being able to experience life.

My mom asked me what the word 'mong' means. I had to ask my uncle.

My mom doesn't like the fact that I'm bisexual. She thinks I can't tell, but I can see it in her eyes.

My moods really do go from one extreme to the other. I'm either too happy to be healthy or I'm suicidal.

My mother thinks you can go butthole surfing only if you've got an ocean nearby.

My mum and dad said if I want to I can get another hamster because it's almost a week since my old one died.

My mum is very dislikable.

My mum just bought me some really short shorts. Thanks mum, but if I turn into a slag when I'm older, I'm blaming you.

My mum was licking envelopes and I said, “Eeww! Don't do that!” and my dad went, “She'll lick anything.” That's too much information, dad!

My new shoes are the mutt's nuts.

My parents are so supportive of me now that I've come out. Thanks, mum and dad. I'm so lucky to have parents like you.

My partner and I split up over religious differences. They thought they were God. I didn't.

My pastor said that homosexuality leads on to bestiality. Where did he get that idea from?

My paycheck makes me so sad.

My pussy's got so ugly with age, no one in my house can bring themselves to stroke it these days, including me.

My sick is as rare as unicorn puke.

My sister has just told me that our dog makes the same facial expressions as her ex-boyfriend. I think she hasn't got over him yet.

My sister is pregnant with a boy. I'll teach him how to binge drink, steal, lie, cheat, fornicate and hustle the pool table, just like my dad did with me when I was a kid.

My son said to me, “I'm not getting drunk this evening, dad. I'll just have a soft drink.” I said to him, “Toby, you do know, don't you, that 13-year-olds aren't allowed to get drunk anyway?”

My son's dad isn't aware of it, but deep down he understands the deal. He's a plonker at times, but he's a great dad to our little boy.

My step-dad is such a wally. He's got nothing on my real dad.

My teenage son was being all mouthy, so I grounded him. He said, “What! For telling the truth?” I said, “No. For not being entertaining while you did it.”

My very thick older sister just said, “Don't learn the Chinese language. It makes your cheeks and jaw go slack.” Did she just make that up, or is it true?

My views on marriage don't sit well with religion. I'd make it mandatory that you'd have to show you had lived together for three years before you could marry.

My wife tells me that the word 'wife' stands for Wash Iron Fornicate Etc. Sounds to me as though she's a bit bitter about being married to me.

My work days never pass fast enough, but my days off are over before I can even blink. Is that what Einstein meant by relativity?

My young son likes to point at my armpits and laugh. I'm not sure how I feel about that.


N

Neo-pagans who say, “Harm no one,” always miss out the important second part, which is, “and do what you will.”

Never assume that love is enough to make someone stay with you or come back to you, because if you cause them enough pain, their love for you will die anyway.

Never assume that other people's niceness to you means that they like you. They may just be tolerating you politely, or they may even be scheming to get something from you.

Never be so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.

Never be too proud to say you're sorry, to show love and not to hate. Always extend a hand to those that might not even take it. Be kind.

Never confuse being strong and being naive. Never confuse being dumb and being in love with just plain being dumb.

Never ever put your hair next to a cooker when it's lit. It's dangerous.

Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about.

Never go back to an old love, no matter how strong the love was. It's like reading a book over and over again when you already know how it ends.

Never regret anything that has happened in your life. It cannot be changed, undone or forgotten, so take it as a lesson learned and move on.

Never say never? Always say always? How about sometimes say sometimes?

Never settle for a life that's comfortable because you don't have the courage to go after the life you really want.

Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative before going to bed. Things could get very messy, but you won't know about it till the morning.

Never think other people aren't feeling pain over something or other. Everyone is hurting in one way or another. It's just that some people hide it better than others.

Never watch romantic comedy films when your own romantic life has gone sour. The happy ending just makes you feel even worse.

Nine times out of ten, when someone's doing something stupid on the road and you pass them, you see that they're on their damn mobile phone!

No human being is born without a future malady, mental or physical. We all suffer from something. We are all unhealthy in one way or another.

No matter how dark things seem to be, or actually are, raise your head and see the possibilities for a brighter future. Such possibilities are always out there somewhere.

No matter how great you are, there will always be someone richer, brighter, better looking, trendier, more popular - whatever -than you, so don't get inflated ideas about yourself. You'll only end up getting brought down to earth with a bump.

No matter how hard I try, whenever I hear Bill Gates speak, a picture of Kermit the Frog pops into my head.

No matter how much you may want them, there are some people in your life that simply aren't good for you. Ask the Lord to remove them for you.

No one ever changed the world by doing what everyone else told them to do or by keeping everyone else happy.

No one is in control of your happiness but you. You have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.

No one likes you because you're a two-faced back-stabber.

No one should ever send out negative messages about someone else's messages. If you don't like what people are saying, just stop following them.

No one should have to work two minimum wage jobs to make ends meet.

No, you are not entitled to have an opinion. You are entitled to have an informed opinion.

Nobody can be trusted when money is involved.

Nobody don't pay my bills or wear my scars, so until that changes I'll be the only one deciding how I live my life.

Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it's old enough to know better.

Not able to concentrate, obsessive thoughts, fast heart beat, shortness of breath … I've fallen in love!

Not to sound cold-hearted or anything like that, but that person died, end of story. They weren't famous. It's not like we should make a big deal out of it.

Not wearing underwear is now commonplace.

Note to self - never sleep with iPod on top of chest, otherwise it flies across room when I wake up.

Nothing beats spending time with family.

Nothing gets rid of migraine like shooting a little heroin.

Nothing hurts as much as being rejected by the love of your life … apart from standing on Lego in your bare feet!

Nothing is impossible if you have love in your heart, faith in yourself, and God in your mind.


O

Obstacles are camouflaged opportunities.

Obstacles are there to eliminate those who really don't want to commit themselves to doing something or being something worthwhile.

Often the cuddling afterwards is better than the sex before.

Oh God, either make me a bastard so I can become successful or let me win the lottery so I can afford to continue to be nice.

Oh no! I'm going out with someone who's seriously fugly!

Oh no! I've just realized I've been walking around starkers in my hotel room with the curtains open and the lights on. Oh well, too late to do anything about it now.

Oh no! My dad cut his finger! Emergency! Everyone, stop what you're doing! Go help him! Seriously, men don't change … even at 56.

Oh, what a surprise! The wars in Iraq and Libya did have something to do with oil after all!

Old age is when former classmates are so gray or fat or wrinkled or bald that they don't recognize you.

Old people are great. There's one old lady in my street who counts how many shopping bags my mum and dad come home with each day. Then she tells the neighbors. What next? Will they be sending the info to Wikileaks?

On social media, I never follow spammers.

On the phone with my mum - Yep. OK. Alright. OK. I will. Yes. OK. Alright. Yes. I will. Yes. OK. Alright. I will. OK. Alright. Yes. I will. I love you too. Bye.

Once a girl lets me talk to her, I'm half way there.

Once again a fuckwit male proves none of them should ever be trusted. You hurt me. You hurt my kids. You hurt my family. I hope you die a lonely old man with nothing.

Once I can move out of my parents' house I'm never going to speak to them again, not after the way they treated me all through my teenage years.

Once upon a time, being a millionaire was a rare thing. Not anymore. Today there are more than ten million US dollar millionaires in the world, and in the USA alone there are over three million.

Once you become get to watch SpongeBob SquarePants without being high.

Once you start to dislike someone, everything they do begins to annoy you.

Once you walk out my life, the door will still be open for you to come back, but if you do come back, don't imagine that things are going to be the same.

One brick at a time, one day at time, one building at a time … you build your dream life.

One day the world will notice the size of my talent and not the size of my big, fat body.

One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching.

One guy on in a car just shouted to a fat guy on a bike, “Alright, fatty?” That's weightism.

One half of me still wants you and the other half of me wants to forget you.

One major tip I will give anyone is never have flash on your website. It's just not cool, so stop it! Especially flash intros.

One not so bad thing about having a mood disorder is that it forces you to re-evaluate everything frequently.

One person's terrorist is another person's freedom fighter.

One thing about being teetotal is that my mind is clearer, which is great during the day but not so good at three in the morning.

One time I found myself drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea!

One's feelings waste themselves in words. They ought all to be distilled into action that produces results.

Only a nerd like me could get so excited over a new ice bucket.

Only I could love a bastard like you.

Only when we have completely destroyed the environment will we realize that we cannot eat money.

Open your mouth only if what you are going to say is more beautiful than silence.

Our government sells bombs to our enemies.

Our hypocrisy is that we criticize political candidates for sloganeering yet we give them only thirty seconds to answer complex policy questions in debates.

Our mum just told us she wanted to lose weight. Fight on, fatty!

Our young son talks about a classmate who can belch, hiccup, and break wind at same time. I want to meet this Zen master.


P

Part of me doesn't want to grow up.

Pay freeze for teachers for three years, teachers being fired, raised insurance premiums, five extra school days to work without pay. It seems North Carolina really hates education these days.

People are like basketballs - it's easier to catch them on the rebound from someone else.

People aren't always afraid of saying, “I love you.” Sometimes they're afraid of what response they'll get.

People envy people that say the things they're thinking but don't have the balls to say themselves.

People let the smallest things get under their skin and ruin their day.

People now take comedians seriously and regard politicians as a joke.

People post photos of themselves on holiday getting drunk and being silly and then expect others to think that they're sensible and good.

People say hate is a strong word, but so is love, and people throw that word around like it means nothing.

People say I'm cold hearted, but I'm just that way so I don't get my heart broken again.

People say you're lying if you stutter, but that's not true. People stutter when they're nervous, or when they just have a natural stutter, like I do.

People sometimes say my politeness is fakeness, but I don't feel I need to be rude to someone just because I'm not fond of them.

People that smile and laugh a lot may be the people that are suffering the most, because laughter isn't only the best medicine, it's also the best disguise.

People who are cold-hearted tend to be quite selfish because they're more worried about themselves than anybody else.

People who are hostile towards dadaism confuse me. If you don't understand it, that's fine, but that doesn't mean it's no good.

People who are needy have low self-esteem.

People who are nosey and try to intrude into your life are so annoying.

People who walk without swinging their arms are just weird.

People, it's OK to have boyfriends/girlfriends, just don't revolve your life around them or you'll find yourself sooner or later to have no life at all.

People, there's really no need to push in so aggressively at the bus stop. Can't you see there are plenty of seats available on the bus?

Perhaps old people should drive less and die more.

Perhaps one measure of wisdom is the ability not to take yourself, or life in general, too seriously.

Perhaps the cigarettes you smoke and the junk food you eat and the liquor you drink are to blame for your poor health.

Person wanting to make an appointment - “I can do any day to fit in with you. I'm quite flexible. No, I can't do that day. No, I have someone coming round that day. No, I'm away that day.”

Physical activity is a powerful cure for anxiety. Try it.

Please don't call yourself a Christian if you only use the Bible for the purpose of being able to attack non-Christians and to justify your own bad behavior.

Please pray for another person before you go to sleep tonight. Someone really needs your prayers. Let the Holy Spirit act as a go-between for the two of you.

Please watch what you eat. Also remember to exercise. If you don't, you'll definitely regret it.

Please, pregnant lady, don't pop this child out on me. Otherwise you're going to be coming after me for money for the next two decades.

Poker players are the salt of the scum of the earth.

Politics - what a circus.

Pomposity is so unattractive.

Pornography eroticizes the domination, humiliation and coercion of women and reinforces sexual attitudes that are complicit in rape and sexual abuse.

Pornography is an industry based on greed that turns women into sex objects and men into drooling fools.

Posh restaurants seem to like to under-cook food, but I don't want almost raw meat, mussels in shells that have barely opened, and poached eggs that are still runny. Cookery is supposed to be about cooking food.

Potato chips are the worst culprit for gradual weight gain.

Potential is nothing without ambition and action.

Practice loving everything and everybody, but only hang out in places and with people that it's sensible for you to love anyway.

Pre-dads, do you want the childbirth experience? Put cheese wire around your penis, tie the end to a door knob and slam the door shut several times.

Pretty much all of my plans these days seem to revolve around food.

Private prisons spent over $1,000,000 in just three months lobbying to put more people in jail.

Psychiatrists stay on your mind.

Psychology graduates end up getting salaries below the average for all graduates. Shows how much they know about life and people.

Public transport is only for the plebs.


R

Rapist condom slogan for the day - “Wrap your wacker before you attack her.”

Real men and women commit to each other and remain faithful and they fully honor their relationship.

Rebellion in America is dead. We are too entitled, stupid and lazy to really rebel anymore. All we fight against now is red tape.

Regrets are useless thoughts that cripple our future.

Regular cat-nappers are 34% less likely to die of heart disease than people who don't take cat-naps.

Relationship killer - ex this, ex that. If he/she was that good, they wouldn't be your ex. Either go back to them or shut up about them.

Relationship killer - jealousy. Your partner is going to look at other guys/girls. So long as they're just looking, what does it matter?

Relationship killer - shitting on the dick during anal sex. Go to the toilet first, you incontinent fool!

Relationship killer - taking advice from a 'friend' who never wanted your relationship to work out anyway.

Relationship killer number one - being broke. You can't do anything without moolah to spend on the lady.

Relationships are built on trust, love, friendship and respect. Lies, games, secrets and selfishness destroy relationships.

Relationships are like glass - sometimes it's better to leave them broken rather than to hurt yourself by trying to put them back together.

Relationships are like jobs, and folks are lying on their application forms.

Relationships fail not because they are destined to fail. They fail because one of the two people involved, or both, makes a choice to give up on the relationship.

Relationships take a lot of work. If you aren't willing to put in the time and effort to make it succeed, you shouldn't be in a relationship.

Remember when teachers, nurses, postal workers and librarians crashed the stock market, took huge bonuses and paid no taxes? No, me neither.

Research shows that men subconsciously react when a nearby woman is fertile.

Riddle me this - if you keep asking me every single day to have sex with you and I keep saying 'no', when will you stop asking?

Rookies, you need a cougar in your life.

Roses are red, nuts are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in! (Oh, John Keats! If only you could have written romantic poetry like that.)

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have a gun … get in the van!

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad. I'll be there too. Not in the cage. But laughing at you!

Roses are red. Violets are blue. God made me beautiful. What happened to you?

Roughhousing with dad is crucial for kids' development, say researchers.

Rudeness, yelling, anger and swearing are a weak person's imitation of strength.

Running away from your emotions will just drive you crazy.

Running back to your ex so they can break your heart again is a big mistake.

Russian woman declared dead. Wakes up at own funeral. Dies for real from shock.


S

Save money this Valentine's Day by leading a life of crippling loneliness and social isolation.

Schools should make it a goal of theirs to have their students show up well in a Google search. Some schools are even having their kids create LinkedIn accounts.

Scotland stinks of booze, desperation, stale fanny batter and thrush medication.

Selfish goals achieved without injury to others are actually altruistic because when you are successful and happy it not only benefits others but motivates and inspires them too.

Self-love is the best love. Love yourself whole heartedly. You'll never find anyone who can love you as much and as consistently as you can love yourself.

Sell yourself cheap and you'll be regarded as cheap.

Seriously, if you do not like me so much that you say stuff about me behind my back, just stop talking to me! I don't need your faux sincerity.

Seriously, sometimes I guess we all need to just take a chill pill, forget our egos, and try to work together to make the best things happen possible.

She must be a witch, my lord, because when we threw her in the river, she floated. So can we drown her now?

Should I go out tonight and chill with my rich and famous friends, or should I stay at home and see what's happening on social media? Oh yes, I forgot. I'm a loser and I have no rich and famous friends. Social media it is then.!

Should I read a letter that has been sent anonymously, or does its cowardly author not deserve to be heard? Maybe the message has merit despite the messenger.

Should students be allowed to mock their teachers online?

Shout-out to my husband's ex-wife/the mother of his daughter. She's fly and the coolest chick. She's helped to raise my wonderful step-daughter.

Silence on a matter is sometimes the loudest thing another person is able or willing to say about it.

Since the Nazis made homosexuals in their concentration camps wear pink triangles on their breast pockets, pink has been associated worldwide with being gay or feminine.

Since you disregard all my advice and do not accept my rebuke, I will laugh at you when disaster strikes you.

Single doesn't mean that you know nothing about love. Often being single means that at the moment you're just too wise and experienced to bother wasting time being in a bad relationship.

Sit down and consider paying attention for two minutes to the possibility that you are nothing you think you are.

Sitting outside a café in Paris, drinking wine, smoking a cigarette - how very European of me!

Six things that lead you to a good relationship are friendship, freedom, honesty, trust, understanding and communication.

Sketch the blueprint of your desires and then gather together the materials to build a sturdy foundation for them.

Sleeping alone in a double bed is not my idea of fun.

Smart man + smart woman = romance. Smart man + dumb woman = affair. Dumb man + smart woman = marriage. Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy.

Smiling is infectious. You can catch it like the flu. Someone smiled at me today and I started smiling too.

So basically when men see a woman driver overtake them, their dicks start driving their cars. This guy actually wound down his window at a red light so he could ogle me better.

So I'm talking about a certain person in a critical way and you actually think that person is you? Either you have a guilty conscience or a low opinion of yourself.

So often the news is a cacophony of sensational, titillating, repetitious, contentious drivel that appeals to people's most basic instincts.

So this is not a real Hilton, it's just some hotel by Hilton. What exactly is the difference?

So you think life as a woman is hard? You should try peeing with an erection.

So Zuckerberg's puppy can have its own Facebook page, but Chinese dissidents using pseudonyms are out of luck!

So, having played poker for the first time, it seems I'm rather good at it … which is why I must never play it again, because poker is like 'probability heroin'!

Social media amuses me. It's full of fools, fakes, bullies and sales people.

Social media connections should only be with family, friends and colleagues, except for businesses and performers who will want to connect with people who might buy what they're selling.

Social media is a bit like school - there's the popular people, the nobodies and the newbies, and there's drama and relationships.

Social media is about what's on your mind, which ironically produces mindless messages.

Social media is full of anger, curiosity and irony. It annoys me that I find it interesting.

Social media is just verbal vomit a lot of the time.

Social media is like a battlefield. We should get gallantry awards for serving on it.

Social media is the best and funniest inside joke of all time. Smart people don't use it except to make money for themselves out of the fools who do use it.

Social media isn't for the faint at heart. Everybody is so rude and disrespectful.

Social media makes you love people you've never met and hate people you actually know.

Social media use has now surpassed pornography as the number one online activity.

Some females will just find any reason to hate another female. Why is that?

Some freak on Facebook is inventing profiles of me and my friends and actually using our photos from our real Facebook accounts.

Some good people make bad choices. Try your best to make good choices today.

Some horror films are so scary you can only watch them in the daytime.

Some lies are bittersweet. A nice liar doesn't want to hurt you with the bitter truth, so they sugar coat it and turn it into a sweet lie.

Some of the bands I like have given me unreal expectations about how hot the average banjo player is.

Some of these tattoos you half-wits are getting, you won't be able to explain them when you get older.

Some people are absolutely certain when talking about things of which they know nothing.

Some people are actually better when they're drunk or on drugs.

Some people are like clouds - once they've disappeared, the day brightens up.

Some people are so fortunate that if they fell in crap it would turn to gold dust around them.

Some people are so quick to think the worst of another person even when there's no evidence to support their suspicions.

Some people can't ever get anything right. Good listening skills are essential to stop yourself being a pig-headed fool.

Some people chase money, other people arrange things so that it comes to them.

Some people could post a picture of a turd on their social media account and still be congratulated on their awesomeness.

Some people have got such cool social media names. Not me though. I'm not smart enough to think up an interesting name.

Some people just never learn their lessons.

Some people look good in their dating and social media profiles but then turn out to be fugly when you meet them.

Some people shouldn't post their pictures on their social media accounts. It can just drive followers away.

Some people think every Porsche driver is a prick, but they're wrong. I've met two who aren't, and I plan to become non-prick number three.

Some random ugly guy just hit on me. He drove by making kissy faces at me. So gross. I flipped him the finger.

Some red faced nutter in the café where I work is screaming and shouting about there being no salt and pepper on his table.

Some relationships and friendships are like a prison. Break out! Get away! Move on!

Some relationships fail because at least one of the people wants to be paired-off at home, but single when they're out. That's called trying to have your cake and eat it too. It never works.

Some social media celebrities are so rude to their followers. Don't honor these assholes by following them.

Some swimsuits show more than other people should see.

Some things are difficult to say but easy to text.

Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked with the other person or people.

Somehow my sense of patriotism diminishes with time. My country isn't bad, but I don't understand why I ever thought it was better than other people's countries.

Someone gets on the train and throws a newspaper left by previous passenger into the trash. Fifteen minutes later they accept a new copy of the same newspaper from the attendant. Does it somehow contain better news?

Someone who's bitter will never have a successful relationship no matter how wonderful the other person is.

Sometimes an unfailing politeness can actually get you into trouble.

Sometimes creativity is expected to come along with a certain amount of eccentricity, so the fact that I'm fastidious and utterly conventional makes me think … oh God! I'm common!

Sometimes failure is close to success because through failure you can learn how to succeed.

Sometimes God deliberately lets the people he hates live to be old.

Sometimes I do the stupidest things. It's like I've transformed into a blonde or something.

Sometimes I feel like a wind-up toy that's walked into a brick wall and it just keeps going on walking into it.

Sometimes I have to laugh at myself (especially when I realize that others are just about to laugh at me too).

Sometimes I just can't give a toss about things, no matter how hard I try.

Sometimes I like to get wasted on chocolate.

Sometimes I listen to Christmas music in June, but that's only because I'm Jewish and I don't know any better.

Sometimes I love social media, but sometimes it gets pretty annoying.

Sometimes I miss you so much I climb into my thought of you and hug you.

Sometimes I start telling a story and realize no one's listening, so I slowly go quiet and pretend I never said anything.

Sometimes I think my life is a hopeless disaster that couldn't possibly get worse, and then it does.

Sometimes I want to forward on the dumb stuff I see on social media, but I'm afraid the people in my network would think I agree with what these other fools are sending out.

Sometimes it's easier to smile when you're really hurting inside rather than try to explain to other people why you're so sad.

Sometimes it's interesting to see someone's moment by moment messages at an event, and sometimes it just clogs your inbox and annoys you.

Sometimes love is like a tug-of-war.

Sometimes second chances work out even better than first ones because you've managed to learn from your previous mistakes.

Sometimes short people have all the confidence in the world crammed into their stumpy little bodies. Or perhaps they're just pretending to feel confident.

Sometimes the joke-teller's laugh is funnier than the joke.

Sometimes to get the best out of life you have to go through some of the worst experiences.

Sometimes to get what you want the most you have to do what you least want to do.

Sometimes when I'm on the dance floor in a nightclub I expel noxious gas so as to clear a little space around myself.

Sometimes you get a great feeling when you see a smile on a person's face and you know that you put it there.

Sometimes you have to experience a terrible relationship to know what a good one feels like.

Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from the people close to you. If they care, they'll notice. If they don't notice, you know where you stand with them.

Sometimes you meet someone and before you even know their name you know that they're going to play a very special role in your future.

Sometimes you really wish a hole in the ground would appear beneath you and swallow you up.

Sometimes you've got to be deaf to the world and its negativity in order to hear the voice of God.

Sometimes you've just got to wipe away the tears, smile, hold your head up, and act like you don't care at all about what's happened.

Sorry for all my smart-ass messages. It's just I've soaked up a lot of wisdom this year and I thought it would be a shame if I didn't pass it on.

Sorry for the grammar mistakes in my social media messages, but seriously, get a life all of you geeks who are sending me messages about it.

Sorry, gays, but the term 'turd burglar' is pretty funny!

Sorry, honey, but stop calling the people who criticize you 'haters'. They just don't like you and your self-righteous, pompous, petty mind-set.

Spent ten minutes trying to solve a captcha. In desperation I went for an audio captcha, but I couldn't understand the accent.

Sports banter is horrible when you're on the wrong end of it.

Starting tomorrow, I will stop swearing, so long as you all promise to stop f*!king annoying me.

Starvation dieters actually diet off all their muscle, and muscle is the engine that drives the metabolism.

Staying with someone who doesn't appreciate you causes you to depreciate in your own eyes and other people's.

Stop going to the casino. You are gambling with Satan and losing every time you roll. You need to stop.

Stop living for other people and their opinions and learn to value yourself and what you stand for.

Strive for progress, not perfection.

Studies show that if your parents was sprung on drugs you can come out retarded and with a dinosaur grill, so I guess that's your excuse.

Success eventually comes if you keep on getting up more times than you get knocked down.

Success is based on how you feel, not on what someone else tells you. Now go out there and succeed at what makes you happy.

Success is the best revenge.

Success is the sum of all the efforts made every day over a long period of time.

Success makes so many people hate you. I wish it wasn't that way. It would be wonderful to enjoy success without being envied.

Success often comes from doing the common things in life uncommonly well.

Success opens you up to public scrutiny, and then even idiots will have an opinion about you.

Suicide is a permanent solution to what may well turn out to be a temporary problem.

Sweet and sour sauce is really just sweet sauce.


T

T.W.I.T.T.E.R. = This Wonderful Internet Thing That'll Eventually Ruin your life.

Take a joke for once, dude! People take everything so seriously all the time. Life is short. Love, laugh, live life.

Take the limits off your dreams.

Talent is God-given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful.

Teamwork does not mean you sitting on your arse and telling us how to do our job.

Teamwork makes a dream work.

Tell a girl she's beautiful a million times and she'll never believe you. Call her ugly even once and she'll never forget it.

Telling me that when he was a kid he hated his piano lessons so much that he went on hunger strike just makes him even more of a privileged tosspot in my eyes, not less.

Thank God that weirdo just got off the train. I was beginning to get nervous.

Thank you, God, for letting me wake up today.

That was funny, but I don't like you, therefore I won't laugh.

That's good. The social media messages I send out have become mindless drivel again rather than endless self pity, so maybe the antibiotics are working at last.

The advantage of our studio's new location is that the agency next door is casting hookers all the time. Either that, or they're actresses with questionable taste in clothes and make-up.

The amazing thing about best friends is how much of their lives we've wasted agonizing about boys and girls that we don't even remember.

The Beatles recorded most of their first album 'Please Please Me' at Abbey Road Studios, London, in under thirteen hours on February 11th 1963.

The belief that conditions have to be perfect before we start something is one of the greatest handicaps to success.

The best contraceptive for old people is their nakedness.

The best part about being a nurse is that you can take care of yourself.

The best revenge you can have on someone who broke your heart is to let them see that you're happy without them.

The best thing about being celibate is not having to worry about STD's or pregnancy or or relationships.

The car in front has a bumper sticker that says 'Vaginatarian'. What does that mean?

The cat is wrought with a gloomy, inconsolable malaise. It looks as though it will never know happiness ever again. Poor, poor pussy!

The Christian religion should be like a family, not a business.

The cleverest moves in life are often the ones that go unnoticed by other people but which get you the results you want.

The computer mouse's days are numbered. Researchers have developed computers that can be controlled just by eye movement.

The creation, selling and adoption of new technology that injures or destroys present business models is a business model in its own right.

The dog just farted, and I don't mean silent but deadly, I mean it let it rip. It must feel comfortable with us after all these years.

The fact that my ex-boyfriend thinks that 'she' is who he'd rather be with rather than me makes me worried about what he saw in me. Do I have all the failings she has?

The fight against climate change is actually a fight against greed.

The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself. To be conquered by yourself is the worst sort of defeat.

The first kiss I had was disgusting. The boy I tried it with dumped about a gallon of saliva into my mouth. I just walked away.

The first step to getting the things you want out of life is to decide what you want.

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

The girl sitting on the platform at Alfreton station - keep your knees together! Me and my mates on the train can see you aren't wearing any knickers.

The government lies about things and then prosecutes and persecutes those people who point out the lies to other people.

The greatest victory one can have over others is to beat them in politeness.

The hair on the top of my head is a lot longer than the hair at the sides. Should I dye the sides a different color to the top so I look like a skunk?

The homeless have for years treated jails and prisons in the same way that northern snowbirds treat their Florida condos.

The human brain' consciousness, awareness and perception are restricted within the material realm, but intuition is a higher consciousness.

The idea that America has allies because America is altruistic is ludicrous. We are not altruistic. We are self-serving.

The ladder of success is crowded at the bottom but never crowded at the top.

The legislation of one generation often produces rebellion against it in the next.

The main reason many poor people can't escape poverty is because they either think in the wrong way, or they think in the right way but lack the willpower to put their thoughts into effect.

The major thing I dislike about our people is that many of them hate to see others succeed.

The messages I read from the people in my social media circle have made me so immature that I actually snigger when I see my battery is on 69%. Like … 69! God, social media makes your brain go retarded.

The moment that I hate is when I realize that I'm going to regret something.

The more girls in a classroom, the better both genders perform.

The more you know, the less you can absolutely certain of.

The most important moment you have is right now. Use it to create the future you want, not to complain about the past you didn't want.

The most valuable knowledge most people could acquire is how to run a business.

The music people listen to is a direct reflection of their culture, where they come from, how they act and who they hang out with.

The oil used by jewelers to lubricate clocks and watches is special and very expensive.

The only benefit of having a small penis is the discount you get when you have a circumcision. Mine was practically free.

The only people who haven't clicked 'skip intro' on your website are you, your flash developer and people on an iPhone who can't see it at all.

The only way to get a guy to do anything is to bribe him with food and beer.

The past week has renewed my admiration of palliative caregivers, especially hospice workers. They're very special people.

The path that leads to happiness is so narrow that two cannot walk on it together unless they become as one.

The pen may be mightier than the sword, but it still needs to be backed up by the power and creativity of the mind.

The people who slow down or stop to look at a traffic accident cause more of a delay than the traffic accident itself.

The people who use the terms “Communist” “Socialist” and “Fascist” usually have no idea what they mean.

The person I marry has to be my best friend too.

The Pope spoke into a microphone so that his words could be broadcast all around the world for millions of people to hear. “Technology,” he said, “will never replace God.”

The power of life and death is in the tongue, so let us watch what we say.

The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.

The problem with equality is that we only desire it with our superiors.

The quickest way to get hurt is to expect appreciation and some sort of reward for every single thing you do for other people.

The reason I love not having kids is that I can do what I want without having to worry about setting a bad example.

The rise and inglorious fall of Myspace.

The Roman Catholic Church defends the right to life of the union of sperm and egg but refuses to baptize illegitimate kids.

The root of all of today's social maladies is that people are morally degraded. That is what has to be addressed. Laws are of limited use in changing people's morals.

The screaming drunk woman is home next door again. Now in our house we can't even hear ourselves think. Let's hope she gets sent back to jail again soon.

The strange thing I've noticed is that now I've changed my social media avatar, people are nicer to me and communicate with me more.

The thing that stuck in my head is when he told me to stay as I am and not to lose any more weight. You have no idea how much that meant to me.

The tragedy of being complacent is that you're not able or willing to see or experience a better life.

The trick lies in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy according to what we focus on. The amount of work is the same in either case.

The trouble with quotes on the internet is you never know if they are genuine. Abraham Lincoln said that.

The US is so arrogant and stupid. Why are we the only industrialized nation that doesn't use the metric system?

The US loves ad supports feudal economies and their leaders so as to maintain its own global presence. Now the US itself has become a feudal economy run by feudal leaders.

The way that I clench a drink between my inner thighs as I drive makes me think I should be better at sex than I am.

The wealthiest 400 people in America now own more wealth than the bottom 150 million Americans. Dream your American dream you bottom 150 million Americans.

The weather's lovely today, so I'm sitting inside watching TV.

The whole notion of motivation is bollocks. Forget motivation. Just do it.

The word for today is 'perseverance'. Just remember, a diamond is simply a lump of coal that persevered!

The words that describe me are loyal, outspoken, soft-hearted, smiley, barmy, fishy, drunk and honest.

The world is on Death Row.

The worst prison is a closed heart.

The worst war is a war taking place inside yourself. Such a personal civil war is a lot of bloodshed for no benefit or progress.

There are a lot of twins here in Australia. It must be an Aussie thing.

There are ants all over my sister's room. They've even got in her clothes. She's having a fit.

There are few things worse than being ordinary.

There are more collect calls on Father's Day than on any other day of the year.

There are more pussy-whipped men than dick-whipped women.

There are so many good looking people in the world. Choose carefully though, because some of them are absolutely horrible.

There are so many things I want to say right now but none of them are nice. That's why I'm thinking of stopping using social media. It's just too easy to spout off a lot of nastiness and aggression on the spur of the moment.

There are some young Dutch guys on the plane. Corporate. Wearing suits and striped shirts. They're talking too loud. 'Unaware' and 'unthinking' are two words that come to my mind to describe them. And 'arrogant'? Yes, definitely.

There are three stages to soul-destroying office jobs: 1) Ooh, this is new! 2) Can you help me? I don't know what I'm doing. 3) Please stab me with this pen and put me out of my misery!

There is a lesson in almost everything that you do, and learning that lesson is how you develop as a person. It is how your spirit grows.

There is a 'lie' in 'believe', 'over' in 'lover', 'end' in 'friend', 'us' in 'trust', 'ex' in 'next' and an 'if' in 'life'.

There is a place where the grass really is greener.

There is always someone in the world with a worse job than you, and there are plenty with a worse life than yours.

There is no method of killing myself that would be good enough for me. I'm such a snob about suicide.

There is no way back to the past, so watch out. If you want to do something all possible consequences are acceptable, do it! You don't want a life full of regrets.

There is too much blood in my caffeine system.

There should be a charity for people born without a sense of humor.

There was this albino girl at our local outdoor pool who got badly sun burnt because she so liked being ogled by all the dudes there.

There's a big difference between a woman a man will sleep with and a woman he'll marry. Girls, make sure you're the latter.

There's a new diet out that seems to work. It's called the 'Eat Less Food You Fat Bastard' diet.

There's a story behind every person. There's a reason why they're the way they are. Think about that before you judge someone.

There's always room in your life for thinking bigger and pushing your limits and imagining the maximum amount of life impossible.

There's hail the size of golf balls coming down right now. You should hear the racket it's making as it hits the metal roof on our place.

There's nothing worse than a person who cheats on their partner.

There's this baby on this bus I'm on that has quite obviously shat itself. Has its mom not noticed? Or has she noticed and she's waiting till she gets off the bus so she can then do the dirty?

There's too much female-bashing from men on my social media timeline. Why are you guys so sensitive? Is it because women have advanced so much in recent years and they're now playing you at your own games and beating you?

They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized bj's, in the same bed, under the same blanket.

They laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at them because they are all the same.

They put graphic pictures of dying people on packets of cigarettes. I think they should also put graphic pics of ugly babies on condoms and graphic pics of ugly chicks on beer bottles.

They say, “Diamond's are a girl's best friend,” but most women I know would rather have money and real estate.

They say, “You don't know what you've got till it's gone,” but in reality you knew all along what you had. You just didn't think you'd lose it.

They're always saying things about us, in our head, in the trees, in the grass, even in our fridge. They're whispering about us all the time.

This bloke at my work always leaves a pubic hair on the toilet seat and it's always in the shape of a question mark. It's quite artistic really.

This bus feels like I'm riding in a Jeep across the Serengeti, but instead of wildebeest outside, there are hookers and drunk people!

This guy is picking a scab beside me. That's nasty, dude. I'm sitting right here. Can't you see me?

This guy tried to kiss me last night at the bar. I was confused because his girlfriend was sitting next to him. Then I realized … yes … they're swingers!

This hotel room I'm in has a device that sprays out a lemon myrtle scent every ten minutes or so. It feels like I'm in a public toilet with a bed and curtains.

This is a eulogy to my vibrator. It went where no man has ever dared to go. It struggled valiantly and then died bravely when its batteries went flat. Thank you, vibrator, for serving your country so well.

This is who I am. Nobody said you had to like it.

This life is about sharing everything good you've got with other people.

This man's breath on the bus smells like a skunk's corpse.

This message is pointless. Sorry for wasting your time.

This might seem fascist, but denying my 6-year-old son access to electricity for the whole of today certainly made him eat all his dinner tonight.

This morning I watched as some gross dude phlegmed onto the street and proceeded to guzzle down the excess goo left dripping from his face.

This politically correct nonsense is turning the next generation into a bunch of mealy mouthed deceivers. Speak the truth!

This week I've seen men who started skunk, crack and amphetamine at ages 11, 15 and 16. Can anyone explain how legalizing drugs would help such kids?

Those fat suits for skinny people are pretty popular but I bet they could sell a lot more skinny suits for fat people. For a start-off there'd be a larger market for them!

Those who can, do. Those who can't, hate. Don't hate, just do. Do something such that you don't feel jealous of what other people are doing.

Those who deliberate too much before taking a step forward will spend their entire lives getting nowhere and just hopping on the spot on one leg.

Time passes, memories fade, feelings change, people leave, but the heart and mind never forget.

Time spent on mobile apps has now surpassed web browsing.

Time waits for no one. That's okay. I don't wait for time.

To avoid swearing, I'm going start replacing swear words with 1960's and 1970's lingo, so watch out you jive turkeys!

To be able to be happy only when you are in complete control of everything is to doom yourself to being eternally unhappy.

To be ambitious and impatient is a very bad combination.

To be friends with someone do you have to have some sort of admiration for them?

To make a human kite, just tie a string to a midget wearing a windbreaker and then run through a field.

To top it all off, she's 26 and she's banging a 54-year-old man.

Today I went on www.thesaurus.com and searched 'ninjas'. The computer told me, “Ninjas cannot be found.” Well played, ninjas! Well played! Next they'll be telling me Chuck Norris can't be found.

Today I'm carrying five mobile devices - laptop, iPad, two phones and an MP3 player. All these mobile devices are rendering me immobile.

Today is the anniversary of one of the happiest days of my life. Yes, it's the anniversary of the day on which my divorce to my ex-spouse was finalized!

Today it's time to stop talking and to start doing, to stop promising and to start fulfilling your promises, to stop dreaming and to start creating. Don't waste another moment.

Today my needy kitty is being more needy than usual because it's hot and she doesn't know what to do with herself. I don't know what she thinks I can do about it.

Together, united, we can beat our oppressors and get the power and freedom we deserve.

Toilets are the real turd burglars.

Tomorrow night's plans depend on whether I decide I want to go and ogle my friend's hot younger sister or not.

Tonight is my last night for sending out drunk messages. As of tomorrow I am teetotal.

Trading is both an inner and an outer game. You must be aware of the inner and outer pressures on you when pulling the trigger on a trade.

Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you, not because they are nice, but because you are.

Trickle-down economics doesn't work. The money stays at the top. It doesn't come down to us people at the bottom.

True friends stab you in the front, not the back.

Try sitting on your hand until it goes numb, then play with yourself. It feels as though someone else is doing it to you.

Try to enjoy your life to the fullest even while you're loving someone who doesn't know how to love you back.

Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The wedding ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hours of yoga and now super strong coffee. I'm so charged up I could conquer the world. I'm bouncing off the walls.


U

Unemployed tattoo-receptacles playing their music out loud on the plane while they fly off to take a break from being unemployed is a sure sign that our society as a whole is screwed.

Unless life also gives you water and sugar, the lemonade you try to make out of the lemons life has given you is going to suck!

Unreliable people need to be abandoned and discarded as quickly as possible.

Until there is full employment you cannot talk about 'the work-shy'. There are no jobs out there.


W

Want to hear a joke? My life!

Ways to irritate me - when other folks with dreadlocks take being scruffy to a whole other dimension. It's OK to wash and get twisted/tooled regularly, you know.

We all get what we pay for. Pay local fees, get local standards. Give subpar, get subpar. Give respect, get it back.

We all have our own little superstitions when playing bingo. One of my friends brings a little troll doll with her and rubs it for luck.

We are all equal, except physically, intellectually, socially and financially.

We are all responsible for helping to guide our global family in the direction it needs to go in.

We are the pencil. God is the sharpener. Without Him our life is pointless.

We have to jump off cliffs and grow wings on the way down.

We live in a largely anonymous, impersonal world.

We live in a world where the definition of success is having money and material things and being well-adjusted to injustice.

We met, we talked, we liked, we called, we texted, we dated, we committed, I loved, you cheated, we're done, you're deleted.

We never really grow up. We just learn how to control ourselves in public.

We were talking about homosexuality and homosexuals, and my mother said, “In my day they were called turd burglars.”

Wearing flip flops and showing off your crusty feet is a big mistake.

Well, I just nearly threw up then. It's either the eight pints I drank, or I'm preggers, and I'm not preggers.

We're going to look at a new dog today to see if we think it will be OK with our family. My mother is hopeless with animals. She'd adopt a skunk if I let her.

We've got enough night lights. We need lighthouses.

What are you wearing? You look like a rainbow's just exploded.

What do a pizza delivery people and gynecologists have in common? They can smell it but they can't eat it!

What do parsley and pubic hair have in common? You just push them aside and keep on eating!

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? A brick layer!

What does your social media avatar and 'wallpaper' say about you?

What good is love without loyalty?

What happens if one of a pair of conjoined twins commits a crime and is sentenced to do jail time?

What has a hundred teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper!

What hurts more than losing your partner to someone else is the fact that they're not interested in hanging on to you.

What is a beaver bong? Beavers don't smoke, do they?

What is it that makes some people hold onto tradition so tightly whereas others are happy to move forward with the times?

What is the biggest lie ever told in the entire universe? It's when someone signs the bit that says, “I have read and agree to the Terms of Service”!

What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease? One is a cunning runt and the other is a running ????!

What is the point of lying when it doesn't even benefit you in any way?

What kind of person drinks beer at nine in the morning?

What makes people important? It's not just the happiness that you feel when you see them, it's also the pain that you feel when they go away.

What makes you really come alive? Whatever it is, go and do it.

What should I do with my sick boy? Will I be a bad mum if I keep him home from school again? Will I be a bad mum if I let him go to school? I hate these dilemmas.

What sort of person cooks sausages in the oven?

What started off as a simple altercation turned into a really bad situation, and now I'm facing a spell in jail.

What the heart thinks, the tongue speaks.

What would happen if your family made $3,000 a month but spent $24,000 a month? Because that's basically what our government did last month.

What you take for granted might be seen as a desirable but unattainable goal by others.

Whatever you do today, be present in that moment. Own your space and be there where you are. Try to focus on what you want to accomplish.

What's so clever about having big breasts?

What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause. Boom boom!

What's the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a …

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are usually $1.29 and deer nuts are under a buck!

What's the difference between God and Bono? God doesn't strut around the world thinking he's Bono.

What's worse - a guy who pays a hooker for sex, or a guy who gets sex by tricking a girl into believing that he loves her?

When a child finds something they excel at, even if it's the smallest, most unimportant thing, make them feel great about it.

When a girl says, “No,” a guy hears it as, “Try again another time. I may have changed my mind by then.”

When a relationship is new, people find reasons to meet. When it becomes old, they find excuses not to meet.

When a woman is silent, she's either thinking very hard, or she's tired of waiting, or about to explode with anger, or fall apart, or she's crying inside, and possibly she's doing all of these things.

When an idiot calls you an idiot, you must have done something really stupid.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before (if there is one!).

When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout? When he eats his first Brownie.

When everyone in the car is grasping for the steering wheel, the safest place isn't in the front of the vehicle, it's as far back from the front as possible. Likewise with organizations that are going down the pan.

When feeding rice to a dog that has issues with their kidney, give them white sticky rice rather than brown or long grain white rice. The sticky rice is lower in phosphorus.

When god gives you a vision, that vision is contagious. Others will feel it. They will be drawn to you and want to be part of your mission.

When I catch myself starting to fancy someone, I break off with them. I'm not letting myself get hurt again.

When I close my eyes I'm just thinking about you, and when I'm asleep, I'm dreaming of you.

When I follow someone on social media I wait a day and then unfollow them if they don't follow me.

When I had Myspace I never knew Facebook existed. Now I've got Facebook I've completely forgotten Myspace ever existed. Now Twitter is making me abandon Facebook. What's coming after Twitter?

When I have no one with me to make me smile, I turn to social media. Some people's messages really make me giggle!

When I revolve my plans around others, that's when things always go wrong.

When I was a child and it rained, my mother would say, “That's God crying.” But I would reply, “Don't be silly! God is never sad.”

When I was a kid all I had to wear was whipped cream, chocolate and glacé cherries. Yes, it sure was tough growing up in the gateaux.

When I was little I used to close the fridge door really slowly just to see exactly when the light went out.

When I worship, I would rather my heart be without words than my words be without heart.

When in hospital, you should use your nurse-call button like a hotel room service button.

When it comes to breasts, anything more than a handful or a mouthful is just unnecessary.

When marriage becomes difficult, the answer is not finding a new person, it's finding a fresh way to appreciate the old person.

When people don't text back or they take hours to reply on BBM, it's rude. I'm going to start deleting these kinds of people or I'll just ignore them.

When people get married, why do they invite people they don't like, and even people that they don't know, to attend their wedding?

When people in large organizations tell me I'm going to be receiving a response to my query or complaint from the appropriate team, make sure that that team responds.

When people type the words 'obviously' or 'actually', the text editor should pop-up a message saying, “Are you meaning to sound like a pleb here?”

When someone is really into you they will always find time to be with you. They'll never make excuses.

When someone says, “It's five o'clock somewhere in the world right now,” and you look at your watch and see it's 10:18, do you ever just want to say to them, “You do know how time works, don't you?”

When someone tells me I can't do something, it just makes me try all the harder to prove them wrong.

When starting a new promotion campaign, it is very important to make a list of the benefits you're offering people.

When the quality of an offline experience is exceeded by its online version, you have to improve the quality of the offline experience.

When the staff at my local diner say, “Have a nice day,” I have a feeling they don't really mean it.

When times are tough you need to look at yourself and work out your priorities. Then you should set goals, eliminate all distractions, and get working.

When writing, there's only one space after a period … unless it's my wife's period, in which case you want as much space as possible. Am I right, guys?

When you arrive at the place you have been believing in and praying for, it often looks and feels different to what you imagined. Step into it anyway.

When you develop yourself, great things develop in your life.

When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, it makes you stronger.

When you have a shop that sells kids' stuff and a kid comes in with its mom to buy something, you could at least be a little welcoming to them.

When you make that kissy face, it looks like my asshole.

When you meet someone who makes you laugh for hours on end about the stupidest things, you know you've found a best friend.

When you really love a person, you just don't give up. In your mind you may want to give up, but in your heart you just can't.

When you start to envy people, remember two things - 1. You don't know the story behind their glory. 2. Bitterness blocks your blessings.

When you truly connect with someone mentally, everything else falls into place.

When your brain reduces an art gallery to something as demeaning as 'stuff hanging on a wall', something is very wrong with you.

Whenever I'm asked in a restaurant how my food is, I say, “Don't worry, it'll make a turd.”

Whenever I'm making a cup of tea at work and someone cracks a tea-bagging joke, I just roll my eyes.

Whenever thoughts pop into my head, I send people messages about them. That's how 'blonde' I am.

Wherever I go for a haircut, I never get what I ask for. Since when did 'just a little bit off the top' equate to 'scalp me, will you?'

White girls will suck your dick because you have a first, middle and last name. Gotta love white girls!

Who the hell are you to try to force your opinions on other people?

Who you mix with reveals who you are, so choose your companions wisely.

Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

Why am I friends with so many moaning, childish people on Facebook?

Why are all 'dumb blonde' jokes one-liners? It's so that men can understand them.

Why are so many people on social media desperate for as many friends and followers as possible? Relationships and inter-personal connections should be about quality not quantity.

Why are the ugly people always the ones who talk most?

Why be like other people? Eccentricity is essential if you are to be a genius.

Why can't I find my true love? Or have I met her but I just never noticed her?

Why did they create glow in the dark condoms? So that gay guys can play Star Wars.

Why do all the best looking people live somewhere else?

Why do atheists think religious people are crazy? They can't prove that an entity no one has ever met or seen doesn't exist.

Why do blacks cuss mixed race people?

Why do fat people make the mistake of trying to wear skinny people's clothes?

Why do men get circumcised? Because women will grab anything with 20% off!

Why do nutters always want to talk to me?

Why do people argue and create drama on social media? It's nonsense. Don't waste your time. In fact don't waste your time with social media at all.

Why do people send me racist jokes? Am I supposed to laugh at them? I find them offensive.

Why do some people envy the happiness of others? Why do such people only feel good when they see other people being unhappy.

Why do they call them 'sweatpants'? Wouldn't it be more appropriate to call them 'lounging around doing no exercise and getting fat pants'?

Why do you politicians pretend to be nice while you're actually extorting money from us and curtailing our liberty?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is it that when I find something really interesting, whatever I write about it makes it sound really second rate? Writers, please enlighten me.

Why is someone always sssshhhhing me in the movies? I paid my $8 in order to watch 'n' talk.

Why should we take advice on sex from the Pope? If he doesn't know anything about sex, he shouldn't advise us, and if he does … he shouldn't!

Why waste time worrying if it's not going to solve anything?

Wind power is as old as sail boats and just as unreliable.

Wise people change their minds when it's appropriate. Fools either never do, or they change them when they shouldn't.

With my next paycheck I'm spending my money on hookers over the age of sixty-five who have no teeth.

Without a vision you won't see where you need to go.

Without me you're just a future-less hermit.

Women - bleeding, cramps, bras, losing your virginity, childbirth, hip-widening, menopause, becoming invisible. Men - boners.

Women get a new man even when they still love their ex-boyfriend.

Women have gotten mixed up over what good attention from guys is versus what's bad. And - dare I say it? - women have forgotten how to act like ladies.

Women have to deal with periods and pregnancy. Men have to deal with women. I'm not sure which is worse.

Women might be able to fake orgasms but men can fake a whole relationship.

Women perform 66% of the world's work, earn 10% of the world's income and own 1% of the world's property. How can that be right?

Women these days think monogamy is a type of wood.

Women use the 'I'm pregnant' lie as an attempt to keep a man. Men use the 'I love you' lie as an attempt to keep a women.

Women, if you're going to wear make-up, don't pile it on so you end up looking like Krusty the Clown.

Work hard, stay humble, love people.

Work is the best cure of all the maladies and miseries that beset humankind.

Work like you don't need the money, and love like you've never been hurt.

Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn't change anything. It just messes with your mind and steals your happiness.

Would you ask your fiancé to let your ex-boyfriend be one of his best men, telling your fiancé that you and your ex-boyfriend have now moved on and are 'just good friends'? Because that's what my fiancée has just asked me.

Wow! I'm standing next to a real live hooker!

Wow, you are so cool for taking a picture of yourself in the mirror in your bathroom with a toilet as your background!


Y +

Y kan't peepul spel anyfing rite theez daze?

Yeay! I just learned what fornicate means!

Yes, I did just bribe my children with salty snacks and a Disney movie just to get some peace.

Yes, puppy, if you insist on sticking your nose up the kitten's bottom, the kitten will scratch your nose. But I guess you've learnt that by now.

Yes, there are dreams that money can buy!

Yesterday I invented the swan challenge. The rules of the game are: 1. - Be on a boat, 2. - See a swan, 3. - Drink.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That's why we call it the present.

Yoga turned the giant anxiety elephant on my chest into a baby elephant. Now I can breathe more easily. But perhaps I should get my spaz brain sorted out.

You always like to win even when I'm right.

You are an endangered creature. Protect and preserve yourself.

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.

You are the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a fish-squirrel.

You are what you read.

You bring disaster upon yourself the moment you start taking your blessings for granted. Never abuse what God is giving you.

You can close your eyes to all those things you do not wish to see, but you cannot close your heart even to those things you do not wish to feel.

You can erase someone from your mind, but getting them out of your heart is another story.

You can make an igloo by stapling two thirds of a pig to your toilet door. (Get it?)

You can only be attracted to a mutt if you're a mutt yourself.

You can tell when people are annoyed or frustrated when they text you or email you because they make lots of spelling mistakes and miss out words.

You cannot climb the ladder of success if you're wearing the clothes of a failure.

You cannot control everything that will happen today but you can completely control how you will react to what happens.

You cannot get saved spiritually if you don't want to be saved.

You can't achieve your dreams if you're busy watching everyone else live theirs.

You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future.

You can't date me if you're a dimwit.

You can't date me if you're at the clinic more than the nurses and doctors are.

You can't date me with stinky breath. I won't even let you talk to me if you have stinky breath.

You can't have a plan for your day until you have a plan for your life.

You don't pronounce 'Ibiza' so it sounds like 'pizza', you fool.

You get into the biggest fights with the people you care about the most for the simple reason that those are the relationships you're willing to fight most for.

You got slobber all round your mouth in that retarded head of yours. What junk are you on, girl?

You have a choice. You can either throw in the towel or you can use it to wipe the sweat off your face and get back in the ring again.

You have to be stupid to believe that you can lie and keep lying and never get caught. The truth always comes out.

You have to be stupid to stay in an abusive relationship.

You have to change game when you're feeling frustrated. When you're frustrated, your thoughts are unreliable.

You have to speak to be heard, but sometimes you have to be silent to be appreciated.

You hurt me once, shame on you. You hurt me twice, shame on me.

You just can't beat London in June - the rain, the dark skies. It's summer, Jim, but not as we know it!

You keep categorizing people as either posh or chav, but you yourself are neither.

You know how you can look up on a register to see if someone is a pedophile? You should be able to look up to see whether someone has an STD.

You know it's not a serious suicide attempt when they're trying to slit their wrists with a plastic knife.

You know life is worth the struggle when you look back on what you have lost and realize that what you have now is way better.

You know that awkward moment when you've already said, “What?” three times and you still have no idea what the other person was going on about, so then you just agree with them anyway?

You know the definition of a man who's impotent and a loser? A guy who can't even get his hopes up!

You know when one girl comments about another girl's picture and says, “Oh, you're so hot!” and the other girl says, “No, you're hotter than me!” … just stop! Neither of you are hot!

You know your relationship has gotten serious when you tell your ex-partner/co-parent that you're seeing someone.

You know you're a ginger when your sunburn hurts worse than your hangover.

You know you're short when changing a light bulb calls for you to wear high heels even though you're standing on the top step of the ladder.

You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree and realize it was your air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror.

You know you're ugly when even the other ugly people don't want to be with you.

You know you've got dried up snot hanging out of your nose?

You laugh when people fall or fail, but when it's you it's not so funny.

You need freedom to be happy, youthful and creative.

You need long term goals to keep yourself from being stopped in your tracks by short term failures.

You only become a loser when you quit trying.

You say I'm a nerd, but I prefer the term 'more intelligent than you'.

You say you're a mix of Persian and Indian, but to me you're just a mutt.

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

You smell of sweat, anger and shame.

You stink worse than you look, and that's saying something.

You teenage guys who wear your jeans down low - Don't you know how stupid you look? You're like sheep, but without the brains.

You told me that I'm unfuckable, but my mom says I'm not. So there!

You were born an original. Don't try to make yourself into a copy of someone else.

You were my inspiration, my aspiration, my perspiration, but now you only exist in my imagination.

You were not born a winner and you were not born a loser. You are whatever you make yourself become.

You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.

You'll never get a grip on life unless you accept complete responsibility for your actions and the consequences of them.

You'll never hear a man say, “I'm sick of all these blow jobs you keep giving me.”

Your attempts at sounding highly educated are futile, as your grammar and punctuation skills are quite rudimentary.

Your cleverness is a sham, a mere masquerade.

Your closest friends can envy, despise, dislike, even hate you, and you might not have the slightest clue about it.

Your dad must be a drug dealer, because you certainly are a dope!

Your illness does not define who you are, it just makes it more difficult for you to be the person you're supposed to be.

Your joke would have been funnier if you didn't stutter so badly.

Your life is such a joke. You're so fake.

Your lifestyle is like a blowjob. It really sucks.

Your middle-aged pierced ear tells a different story from the one you think.

Your presence annoys me. You're such a noise in my soul. If I could delete or block you from my life, I would.

Your reputation may or may not be justified. Others determine your reputation, but they don't know everything about you, and only you know if you have integrity.

You're a turd, but without the brains or the looks.

You're about as clever and witty as spastic dribble.

You're having a teetotal vegetarian BBQ? Are you having a laugh? Do you really expect me to eat barbecued grass and char-grilled cucumbers and wash it down with roof wash?

You're not tired of the relationship, you're tired of the relationsh*t.

You're silly if you share all your personal business with your social media followers. They're people that you don't even know.

You've got fake hair, fake nails, fake eye lashes and fake boobs, but you say you want a real man? Get real, girl.

You've got to love yourself before you can love someone else.

“Bad things happen to good people” So what's the point of being a good person?

“I wasn't drunk.” “Dude, you were in my closet yelling, 'Where the f*!k is Narnia?'!”

“I'll have you, my pretty,” he said with a growl, but when he undressed her, he found she smelled foul.

28% of millionaires live in homes that have a market value of under $300,000.

72% of black children are born to single mothers.

84% of people aspire to be rich. Of that 84%, 75% of them aspire to be famous too. I just aspire to be someone who's full of useless information.

85% of all men lie about their penis size, but why lie? She's going to see how small it is eventually anyway.

85% of young people in prison grew up in fatherless homes. That's what happens when governments give mothers legal and financial incentives not to stay with their children's fathers.


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