How having little confidence affects a loving relationship

This is my fourth entry for the “Me and Dan” subsection that you can find in my profile. As not all relationships are perfect, in this entry I will elaborate on some of the problems we have had that are all lacked in my almost complete lack in confidence. Know the phrase “Love yourself before you love others”? Well, I didn't follow it.

I think the phrase matters a lot when I look at it in retrospective because my biggest issue was accepting the fact that he did actually love me for me. That I wasn't deceiving him in some way unconsciously or that I wasn't a disappointment in everything I did. In a way I guess I expected him to probably love me and substitute my lack of self love. Because to me whenever I looked into a mirror I saw a horrid person and a body only to be covered with loose clothing because probably no one would want to see it anyway.

It also gave me a behavior I am not proud of. Seeing as we are long distance and I could not possibly know every single little thing he was up to when he was away from the computer it gave me panics. If he didn't respond I'd think I said something wrong and would get upset whilst in the end it would turn out he had only gone to the toilet. I've heavily abused the Skype call button because of that. Maybe in a way I felt it was then even easier to reject me as all he would have to do would be just log out.

Whilst he the poor guy had me crying over all sorts of silly things because I was afraid of doing anything wrong to not disappoint him. After months of me “playing games” as he put it he had finally had enough because he couldn't stand seeing upset like that anymore. He realized that no matter what I would say I would always counter back with something else and even if it didn't make sense it upset me more. Frustrated that by even trying he already lost no matter how I would react he lost patience.

He said that at this point I should trust him. That I should just accept I'm the one he wants to be with. But whenever I responded with more doubt he would just get angry out of frustration. Because for him, me crying was like nails dragged down a chalkboard. I don't even know how he coped with it for so long because there was a point where all I seemed to do was get upset over stupid things. I kept doing it not realizing how much I was burdening him with this instability.

And when he got angry all I did was get upset more thinking I had done another thing wrong. That my biggest fear of him letting me go was happening. But it's not like a person can constantly reassure someone when they don't listen. He even blamed himself if something he mentioned the happened to be a trigger for me. But really at that point the trigger was as ready as the one in the gun of a soldier at war. Ready to shoot, questions asked later.

I also admit I haven't fully started loving myself just yet. It's been a long process and has been going slowly. But I guess I just kinda wanted to get this one off my chest. The worst is out of the way I hope but I've still got a way to go. It's still a scary thought to me to lose him. Because to me it feels like it will be my fault and I will blame myself for missing out what could have been the best thing in my life.

This is how destructive low confidence can be. Whether it is in yourself or others or both. We're still together and standing strong. Or at least he is when I get weak. But hey, to the others with a similar situation. If he/she is willing to stay with you even after all of that then there must be something really good about you. We might not see it but it's there. That thought makes my cry because it's probably the first self compliment I have given to myself in a long, long time.

So yeah, love yourself first.

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