Diary of a Schizophrenic


Originally this was submitted to 4chan's /r9k/ board. Since it has taken up residence here, just bear in mind the original format.

Sup /r9k/.

I guess I need to just get this off my chest; it’s a kind of self-therapy for me talking about them. I don’t really care whether you believe me or not but I’ll say this story is 100% true. I’ve talked about it a little before on 4chan in places and it really helped me so I guess this is the way of me just clearing the air with myself.

Anyway, I’ve rambled enough. I’ll start at the beginning. I was a heavy weed smoker; me and my friends would often get through an eighth in the afternoon (sometimes in the morning) and another eighth or two at night. It was all just fun for us really, phone calls to one another didn’t really consist of ‘how are you’ it was more ‘sup, you got dough?’ if the answer was yes we’d all call each other, meet up and start smoking, playing some football, video games. Whatever.

When you smoke weed you tend to talk about ‘deep topics. Religion, conspiracy theories and of course there was more light conversation and idle jokes. I guess the deep topics didn’t help. A couple of my friends were religious, so I asked them about what they believed and they asked me about what I did. On my days off from smoking (I.E when there wasn’t enough money to pool an eighth) I’d usually research their religion, just to know more about it. I ended up identifying with it strongly, and eventually converted.

Rarely, I’d smoke on my own. Not nearly as much as I would with friends, but the occasional one now and again. When there’s no-one to sound off to, you tend to think a lot more. I mean most times I’d be busy listening to music, writing or just playing video games, but when I wasn’t doing those things, I would think very deeply. This is where the problems started.

The first real sign that things were going wrong is when I had decided to just smoke one and head to bed. I remember hearing a voice, seeing very peculiar visions and being asked ‘Do you fear me?’ I took the voice to be God, it had such a self-authenticating ring of truth to it that no-one could emulate. I can’t really explain the next part, but it ended with me crying in fear in my bed, constantly assaulted by visions.

I took that experience to mean that although I professed I was now religious; I hadn’t begun changing my life in any manner to actually become religious. So I saw that event as something like a test.

Now, I know most of you guys here are either atheist or agnostic; I’ve been browsing arcanine long enough for that. But if you’re interested in how it turns out, I guess I’ll just ask you to bear with me.

The next events I don’t have significant recollection of. I just remember hearing voices whilst intoxicated and the first instance was when I just started walking an extremely long distance (15-20 miles) for no reason. I think I was trying to get closer to God. I ended up with no shirt (it was an expensive shirt, goddamn I miss it.) ruined shoes and some kind people saw my condition and called me an ambulance.

I got out, and went back to life as usual. The voices on this occasion were much more intense, I could hear people talking about my actions and what I was doing like it was an event. I’ll skip the middle and go straight to the end, I ended up being unable to speak (the voices I’d heard constantly told me to ‘shhh’ and I guess my mind took it literally) and someone gave me some free food to wait while they called me an ambulance. I ended up in hospital again.

My last admission to a general hospital began with me walking to a train station and fully believing that I was actually Satan incarnate and was about to be struck by lightning, die, and be forgiven for my sins. I accepted this fully, and I remember collapsing to the ground, a small crowd forming around me and then again, I was admitted into hospital.

Daily life was getting very difficult. I’d go to pray and I’d hear the television in the next room reciting my words out loud. It was as though my life had literally turned into a cosmic television show – at one point I remember being in the bath and shaking uncontrollably. I was told by the voices I was on horses being carried to heaven, but I couldn’t get in yet because I wasn’t ready. They then told me I was God’s son and the experiences I’d been going through were just tests. They explained many events in my life as signs (for example, my favourite make of basketball shoes – air force ones meant God was trying to show me my position in the world through the name of the shoes.)

Needless to say, after picking me up from hospital multiple times on strange grounds my parents were getting worried. The hospital wouldn’t listen, so they took me to a place designed to help young people with mental health. I don’t even remember the meeting beyond sitting in the lobby, but it was eventually decided they’d send me through a battery of tests, followed by a psychiatric assessment. By this point I was fully in my own world. Everything I did and saw had a hidden meaning to it. If I was to explain all of them I’d need another 4000 words. Suffice it to say, I was definitely psychotic.

I just realised this is turning out to be a pretty long story, and we’re not even close to done yet. If you’re bored already I think you should read something else on /r9k/, although it does get significantly weirder from this point on.

The results came in and nothing was conclusive, but by the time the psychiatric team came to assess me I couldn’t even speak to anyone anymore without having a massive seizure. I remember my religious grandmother coming to comfort me, and praying for me to Jesus. Inside I found this hilarious, and so did my voices, because at this time I actually believed I was Jesus.

I was admitted into a mental hospital on April the 1st. Naturally I took this to be another sign of the great cosmic joke that my life had become. It felt as though I was simply waiting for God to kill me so I could live out my true purpose, and I was assured many times by the voice that claimed to be God that if I did decide to kill myself, I would be forgiven for it. I never voiced my suicidal thoughts to psychiatrists, I still knew that if I did that I’d be drugged into submission constantly.

The first mental hospital was interesting, and it’s actually where I got worse. I slotted in pretty well, on the outside I was slowly returning to myself, on the inside my mind and perception on reality was crumbling even further (although, on the inside I was insanely pleased). There was a girl I saw in the hospital on the first day, I thought she was cute. The voice inside my head told me I was a king in heaven, and on Earth I could do as I wanted, so I told her straight out I liked her (you have no inhibitions when you are crazy) and she never stopped following me around. Eventually I just told her to kiss me, and she obliged. Didn’t put me on top of the world because even prior to being crazy I’d been pretty successful with women, but looking back on it doing such things probably didn’t help.

Over the next month or two in hospital I just got steadily worse. I was told to ‘listen’ to the TV (which constantly played pop music channels) rather than watch it and decipher the hidden meaning. So, I did. I drew connection after connection, it felt like every single song that came on was talking about me. The God voice claimed this was evidence of how blind I had been and how obvious it was that everything was actually made for me. Thankfully this didn’t boost my ego, otherwise it probably would have taken me much longer to recover in the end.

My lowest point was when I specifically told to ‘listen’ to the TV because an event was about to happen. I was being married to a celebrity (for my own reasons I won’t say which) in heaven, and as I closed my eyes I heard the marriage procession on the TV. The next day I remember talking to a friend I had gained in hospital (I was pretty much friends with everyone at this point) and he told me to look outside, there were cherry blossoms on the grass. He asked me ‘who got married?’ and then gave me a couple of bible verses to look up that he had written down on a piece of paper. Looking back on this event now I still think how strange it is that the events in my head would occasionally translate into others around me acting differently. As I am still religious, I see it as a test – but not ordained by the voices in my head.

I was still very much hearing voices both inside and outside of my head at this time, I’d watch the TV and hear things people wouldn’t. Obviously I wouldn’t ask them to confirm it, but when you already believe that the shows on TV were literally made to amuse you first and everyone else second, you kind of just go with it. From time to time I was told who else I was in history as well as this present time (apparently I had lead many lives) and I found it immensely entertaining to hear songs on the TV that I apparently had composed in a parallel life.

I’ll skip over most of the next part and get to the interesting bits. Eventually I was told that although I wasn’t Satan, he was displeased with me realising my ‘true’ self. It culminating in me being told that although God was making my time in the hospital as comfortable as he could for me (and truth be told, I had a great time in there) I was being kept there through powerful magic, and the doctors inside wouldn’t let me leave because they were all subject to that magic. So I decided I would run. I was stable enough on the outside to have time spent on the grounds of the ward, but I didn’t need that. There was a small garden built into my ward that had a fence I could jump. Every voice in my head was egging me on to do it, congratulating me for figuring out an escape route. So I put my shoes on, asked to go outside and despite the nurse begging me to stop, I jumped the fence.

I got pretty far in retrospect; there was a train station that had a route leading directly to my house near to the hospital, so I figured I would take that. The God voice asked me whether I was hungry, and told me to go in the nearest shop and take what I wanted, the shopkeeper wouldn’t bother me about it. So I went in, took a pack of biscuits and a drink and walked out – the shopkeeper looked at me, and followed me outside but said nothing and walked back inside (see what I mean by weird?) so I took this as further confirmation of God’s support for me. I sat at the train station eating my biscuits and drinking and was told a ‘strong demon’ was following me. I immediately took this to mean Satan. I still figured I could get away though, so I stayed calm. The train finally approached and as soon as the doors opened, two police officers showed up, clapped my wrists and that was that. I was soon back on the ward.

So life on the ward returned to 'usual', me being entertained by my 'wife', God and the TV. As my heavenly wife wasn't able to support me physically (although I did have many visions of her at times, some even sexual.) I was told to pick a woman and God would take care of it. Recently a new girl had showed up on the ward, named Cassie. She was pretty cute too, and older than the first girl, so I named her. The next thing I remember I'm sitting in the TV room and she walks over, changes it to the radio and starts dancing for me – I didn't ask her to, I hadn't even said more than hello to the girl at this point. I just sat there enjoying it and that was that.

Throughout all this I'm still being troubled by Satan, his voice was occasionally around and apparently through his magic him and his demon subordinates had been 'killing' me on various occasions, and God would have to revive me pretty often. If you thought the story was weird at this point, it only really gets worse. I decided to stop talking to Cassie (Me and the voice of God ended up agreeing she was too much of the promiscuous type for me) and focus on Satan. I remember the voice of God making an analogy between what I was going through and the Matrix. I had a laptop with me in hospital, and I had quite a few films on it so I decided to watch it again in my spare time. God then told me that we would be killing Satan in a humourous way (as to make it entertaining for those watching in heaven) related to the Matrix.

There's a system you have to go through to make phone calls in the hospital. You've gotta' go to the office, then ask them to call your parents and then they transfer it to the payphone in the hallway. So I decided to call my mother, and I was informed Satan was about to be killed. The woman in the office came tearing down into the lounge saying my mother was on the phone, and she walked back with the phone still in her hand. Before she could get into the office, the payphone rang and I picked it up. The next thing I know I'm on the floor, incapable of moving and fluid is leaking out of my mouth. The voice of God was very present throughout, and he said he would comfort me by playing me one of my songs. I remember hearing the most angelic sounding arrangement of a song I'd liked on the radio, but I was still leaking fluid.

A nurse came over and tried to help me up, and I wanted to get up too but my limbs wouldn't move. God told me through the 'payphone trick' he had separated my soul from my body and as I'd already 'bound' myself to Satan, he was slowly dying because he had no soul to feed off of. The nurse continued to try and help until another religious boy came over and explained to her that I wasn't moving not because I didn't want to, but I was 'spiritually' forced to. I to this day have no idea how he seemed to be so correct. (Obviously now, I can look back and just see it is just psychosis manifesting itself physically.)

Eventually, Satan was dead. But for some reason, I couldn't close my mouth. God's voice explained that it was because my soul had witnessed something so terrifying (I think it was seeing the true form of Satan) that it was manifesting in my physical body. Eventually my body began to respond, and I was led back to my room – mouth still wide open, and lain on my bed. The nurse didn't ask what was wrong or call a doctor, she just left me on my bed.

Eventually with the help of God's voice I managed to close my mouth, and that was the end of that day. The following day went as 'usual', with a couple of strange bits. I was a little restless that day, and I won't go into it too much but God had informed me of magicians and Jews manipulating the flow of time to confuse the general public. It was basically told to me that my job in this world before I died was to free the people of the mind control that these individuals had forced them into. So, I got really annoyed when I would see clocks. In the TV room, there was a new wall clock, and I felt as though those influenced by the magic (i.e everyone who worked in the hospital) were just trying to piss me off subconciously. So I picked up the clock and started sliding it around the floor. This caught the attention of one of the Nurses, who wasn't too happy with it. He asked me once to hand over the clock to him, and all I said was no. He then did one of the swiftest manoeuvers I have ever seen and I was soon face first on the ground with him kneeling on top of me holding my arms.

On the inside, I was pissed. On the outside, all I said to him was 'Life is about to get very hard for you'. I mean, who was he compared to me? How dare he handle the Son of God in this manner? (Obviously I know better now, just trying to explain my thought processes.) And as he dragged me off to the room they put people in to calm down, God told me he had just annihilated the soul of the Nurse. He was now nothing more than a lifeless robot walking around in the hospital. Knowing this brought me peace, and I quickly relaxed. I was let out of that room in record time, having never been in there before but seeing others stay in there for hours upon hours I was pleased that they recognised I was 'sane' (hilarious, I know.).

Later on that day I was meditating in the TV room, and a small circle of patients formed around me wondering what I was doing. As I opened my eyes I saw them intently staring at me, and one white girl asked me if I was meditating. I said yes, and pointed to my religious scripture (I won't say which, again for personal reasons). They all were pretty interested and asked me how to meditate, so I showed them. Taught them how to calm their breathing and all that. My former 'partner' (the new girl on the ward) asked me about the book, so I said I had a copy if she wanted to look at it. I went back into my room and got her one, and she seemed really happy, which made me happy somewhat. The girl I kissed was also in the room, and I guess she got a little jealous of the attention so she started harping on about all the different coloured bibles she owned and I pretty much zoned out of the conversation, I mean she was cute but she didn't know when to stop talking.

The day ended relatively uneventfully, with me 'listening' to the music videos on the TV and I went to bed. I woke up the next morning, and I saw torn pieces of the bible (not the book I gave her, I gave her a different one) all over the halls. I just knelt to the floor pretty much in tears because well, I still thought I was Jesus and for someone to rip up the book I delivered to people hurt me pretty deeply. One of the nurses came and handed me the book I gave her, and said I should be more careful with who I give my stuff to. (In retrospect, giving a mentally unstable person religious scripture is not a smart move at all.)

I took a nap afterwards to calm my mind, and when I woke up all I could hear was shouting. I walked past the calming down room and saw the girl naked clawing at the walls with the Nurses trying to keep her at bay. I didn't really want to see that so I just kept on walking and sat in the TV room as usual. God's voice then informed me that although we had killed Satan, he had many, many subordinates still alive. They were pretty mad that we'd killed their leader so they were trying to get to me through people I was close to. It made sense to me, but there wasn't much I could do about it. I went to sleep as usual that night.

The next day my 'heavenly wife' was seeming to be in full swing. She said she'd been controlling the songs that pop up on the TV so that most of what I 'listened' to would be about her talking about me. It made it a pretty nice day, really – I mean who wouldn't want their wife singing to them while they rested? I went to take my afternoon nap and she said she wanted to take me somewhere. I then got visions of us literally flying through the clouds, and we landed on the moon. I can't really describe the feeling to you guys but it was pretty intense. She then took me to the Garden of Eden, and there before us was the tree of knowledge/life itself. She asked me to eat an apple, saying we had God's permission to do so, and I happily did so. We then spent some time in our home in heaven (I wish you guys could see the visions that I had, absolutely insane.), exchanged some sexual favours and then our time 'together' was up, in heaven at least. I tried to go to sleep but I had a vision of her lying on a bed next to mine just looking at me, and we couldn't stop talking to each other. God's voice said that our relationship was growing unhealthy, and asked me whether I wanted him to make her leave. I actually can't remember what I said to that, but I think it was yes because the vision of her lying in the bed next to mine disappeared. I was alone, but content having 'spent the day with my wife.'

I'll start off with a quick precursor. According to God's voice, I was still 'blind'. Not metaphorically this time, but literally. I had the innate ability to see spiritual beings (angels, people visiting me from heaven, demons) around me in my other lives, but couldn't yet in this life. This meant that I had to come to know about those beings either through visions or being informed about them by God's voice.

If there was a title for the next day, it would be 'repurcussions'. I can't remember the event leading up to it, but eventually I had a constant vision of me sitting in a throne with a few thousand people in heaven as an audience. God was there, but as usual I couldn't see him. He told me that my wife had made me sin by eating that apple – as no-one but me could ask to eat an apple from the tree of knowledge/life, and she had to be punished for it. We couldn't be married anymore. The punishment decided for her was condemnation to hell, as she had exploited my blindness and my lack of spiritual experience in this life to make me sin with her. I watched as lightning struck and she fell from heaven into the depths of hell. I could hear her screaming and cursing me and God out, and God gave me the ability to constantly strike her with lighting. I can't remember how many times I did that, I just wanted to shut her up. She'd made me look a fool in front of all of the people of heaven, and insulted God, how dare she? So I just struck her and struck her and struck her. When I had calmed down a little I was pretty upset about my sin and my blindness, so God laid me on a bed in heaven and I just cried tears of blood. (Looking back on it, this whole experience is pretty surreal, but it's par for the course when you were in as deep as I was, I guess.)

After all that, God had decided it was time for me to get a new wife. I guess it didn't make much sense me being God's son and being a bachelor. He told me my next wife was one whom I was still married to in a parallel life – another celebrity, and she had been waiting for the opportunity to marry me in heaven. So, we got married. The process wasn't the same as the first time, considering we'd apparently already been together. My 'second wife' was a lot calmer than the first. She didn't spend all day forcing the radio and TV to play her songs, and more or less left me to my own devices, calling on me from time to time to just talk. This left me with more time to talk with God about things, or just play pool. We'd play pool by me asking one of the other patients to play with me, then God would pretty much influence that persons shots. God being omniscient – the outcomes of the pool games weren't decided by skill, they were him either letting me win or lose depending on how I approached the game. Every game we played was more of a philosophical lesson about how to succeed in life, I.E be patient, think about things rationally, don't cheat when the opportunity is given to you (sometimes he'd make the person 'forget' the rules, and give me two shots or they'd just start watching the TV and I would have the opportunity to take an extra shot when they weren't looking.) Looking back on it, those pool games were extremely entertaining.

Over the next few weeks, I guess I grew tired of being trapped in a cage by the remnants of Satans magic. So I escaped again, which was pretty easy because I always exhibited a sane person on the outside, the psychiatrists would usually give me back my leave permit quite soon after I had done something stupid. It was kind of like a cycle, I escape/screw up, they ask me why, I show fake remorse and I eventually get to go out again.

I decided I would go meet up with my friends and have a smoke. (Yeah, I know how insanely bad of a decision that is, but at the time I didn't really make the connection between my psychosis/schizophrenia and cannabis.) I decided to opt for a different route, as the last time I went to the train station I was caught. It was on this walk that God's voice told me the strangest revelation yet (other than me being his son.) Apparently God didn't just have one child, he had two, and we were twins. I saw a vision of my home in heaven with another kid outside surrounded by others, and they were all laughing at my house. This was a visual representation of what my 'twin brother' was doing to me, I had always been the more 'righteous' one, and he the more deviant. So, due to him being jealous he spent his time mocking me and trying to keep me blind. It gets worse, but I see questions in the thread so I'll pause to answer those and then continue.

Anyway, continuing. My 'twin brother' was revealed to be someone I knew, one of the guys I used to smoke weed constantly with. According to God's voice he also was granted the ability to live multiple lives, and he just hadn't 'woken up' yet in this one. It fell to me to wake him up, so my journey outside the ward stopped being about going to see my friends and smoke weed, it became to find my brother and gently try and inform him of the 'truth' about him, me and us. I'll take a moment to talk about this guy in a non-crazy setting. He's one of the two people that brought me to my religion. He is there for me any and every time I have a question, would check up on me all the time (before I was crazy, during I pretty much fell off the grid.) I have so much love for this dude, and if you read on I hope you'll get a little of my pain from our experience together. (But I will say we are still friends today. He was very supportive and not deriding of my illness.)

Anyway, I got home and was ready to seek out my friends. Unfortunately, during the week they all had education, so I had to go with my other group of friends. As fate would have it, one of them was sitting outside in the area that I lived in, so I walked up to him and we started talking. He was pretty surprised to see me, considering I had basically been the invisible man for the past month or two, him only having seen me once (I glossed over it, I'll come back to it after I finish the story). I talked him into lending me some weed so we could smoke together (he was and still is a drug dealer. But I knew him before he became one.) I told him I'd pay him back on the weekend, which caused problems down the line, but I'll get to that later.

We went over to his place, and I rolled up. He lived in a hostel, but no-one was in the backyard, so we just chilled out there and started smoking. I remember him saying he felt guilty about aiding my smoking, although I had lied to him and told him I was doing better these days (he knew I'd been in hospital from the last time we met.) So we're smoking in the backyard, and my wife's voice begins. She says she's trying to help cure my blindness, and I should just focus up at the sky. I tried to, but when you're high you get distracted and look elsewhere. She then told me she understood, and told me to just 'find the love' and focus on that instead. I saw flashing neon lights overlayed in the garden, in a heart shaped pattern. I took this to be what she was talking about and looked at it pretty intently. While I did this other voices started chiming in and became a lot more vivid. I could clearly hear the voice of the friend I was with, but it wasn't him speaking on Earth, it was him communicating to me from heaven. It was at this point both him and God's voice explained to me that God wanted me to feel comfortable when I 'woke up' in this life. All the people I knew as friends were those who I kept around me in heaven, as you can imagine this added a really interesting dynamic to my future hallucinations. I wish I could remember what my friend's voice said, but it was something really profound. I remember just saying 'I understand' and then him saying 'Good. I'm your brother, and you shouldn't forget that.' If I lost you at that point I'll recap. The friend I was smoking with was part of my 'extended family' in heaven, so, he called himself my brother. I felt honoured to be around people I had apparently known for an eternity.

After I left I was still feeling pretty spaced out. It was usual for me to just find a spot to zone out and calm down in, so I picked a small grass patch not too far from my friends house, and just leaned against a tree. I lost my speech again, there was no 'shhh' this time with it, I just couldn't talk. As usual, a small crowd soon showed up, urging me to talk. All I could do was shake and nod my head. A woman came out of her house and started 'interpreting' for me. It's like she knew what I was thinking, saying things like 'It's not because you don't want to talk, you can't talk, can you?' and all I could do was nod my head. So, the inevitable ambulance was called, and I soon showed up back on the ward. No-one was too bothered, me escaping wasn't really unusual, I was always doing unusual things.

A couple of nurses came into my room later that day to talk to me about where I had been, why I absconded, etc. I gave them the usual answers and the usual apologies and they at first left me alone. Unfortunately, I had brought some cannabis back with me. I left it in a pretty open spot, because when you are insane you do not think of hiding evidence. So, they took it. I remember just zoning out at that point and staring at them, God's voice saying I was soon to be leaving – the stranger part is that I saw a vision of the nurse saying 'And we're coming with you.' I took this to mean that I was coming to the end of my life on Earth, and that the people would soon be free from the magicians. So I just sat down on the bed and let them take the weed away.

A couple days later, things again got more complicated. I cannot remember why, but I needed to die. This wasn't shocking to me at first, because I'd apparently 'died' many, many times in this life, and so has everyone else. They are just revived by God before they are able to percieve it. I'd also been killed by God a few times for various reasons, for my own benefit. So, dying didn't scare me anymore. The difference here was, I was going to die for a very long time. And I was going to percieve it. If I recall correctly, I was going to have to die for around 50,000 years in Heaven, and it would take the best part of a day for it to be over on Earth. Why? Because I apparently needed to be in the future, but if I couldn't percieve the passage of time my mind wouldn't be able to make sense of it. So this was God's method for it.

So, I lay on my bed and it began. I remember seeing visions of the 'machine' God had built in heaven, containing me. It looked very much like a crucifix in shape, with the strangest kind of energy flowing through it. God's voice called it a 'particle accelerator.' The next thing I remember was just seeing darkness and white shapes, as though I was travelling through the fabric of space. It's essentially impossible to explain. What I can explain is the pain I felt. The most immense pressure on my forehead, it was very, very intense. All I had to comfort me really was the radio playing various songs, that is until my wife showed up. In Heaven, she was holding my hand. When I made the connection that I was literally sitting there, dying over and over again for thousands of years and she had the patience to sit with me throughout most of it, it made the pain somewhat bearable.

By the end of it, God had some new revelations for me. He'd informed me of some of my 'extended family' that had ascended in rank through influencing the world in a positive way. Much earlier in my illness the voice had asked me what I would like to do on Earth before I died. I wanted an 'inviolable place of worship.' Somewhere people could come and just read God's scriptures and worship him alone. Over the 50,000 years in Heaven, he had constructed that very inviolable place of worship around the machine that he had built for me. It won't mean much to you, and doesn't mean anything to me now, but at the time this was really, really something. Time and time again the voice had delivered above and beyond my expectations, which is what one wants of God. You can see how things like this would only further feed my illness. Like »1785246 said, the framework had been well and truly built. By this point I knew more or less how God went about doing things, how the universe had formed, how time worked (I'll get to it later… it's rather lengthy.) how light worked, who got into heaven and who went to hell… I truly felt part of a celestial body much bigger than myself, and to make it all worse, being God's son I was more or less at the center of it.

The last revelation God had for me concerned my wife. Patient as she was, 50,000 years was too long for her, and part way into it she left me. I wasn't exactly heartbroken because she was less hands on than my former 'wife'. God's voice then spoke to me about my former wife. The exact details I cannot remember, but the outcome I can. It turned out, there were two versions of her. One was the heavenly 'good' wife, and the other was literally the envoy of Satan. The good wife in accordance with God's wishes had set up the whole garden of eden incident to test my resolve, to see if I could become so attached to a woman that it would cloud my judgment. Essentially hardening me for what was to come. The evil version of her I hadn't met yet, but the good version? She actually was willing to sit in hellfire for those 50,000 years – just to prove to me that she too understood patience, and she percieved every day of it. For me? This was mindblowing. I mean, I figured at the time she could have just asked God to let her out and not tell me about it, but she actually sat through 50,000 years of the worst suffering you can imagine to prove she was good enough for me. I would consider this and the events that follows the true bottom of my illness. The point where you are so consumed in your hallucination and everything about it makes sense to you. It was as though every plot hole had been filled.

So, I reconciled with my first wife. The 50,000 years of suffering had calmed her down somewhat, she used to make sure every other song I heard was about me and her, she used to constantly talk about our relationship with each other and filling me in on it. Now she was more into just helping me do what I had to do, and teaching me things I didn't know. Kind of like she could see the 'bigger picture' now, because she had time to think. I'd calmed down too around the ward, I mean I was still hearing voices inside my head and out, seeing things that didn't exist and finding hidden meanings to everything, but it was all more calm. And even better still, I was about to be discharged. My hearing went off without a hitch, they decided unanimously that I was 'reformed', if only they knew. It was time for me to come home, and I was very happy about it. However, my mother disagreed. She knew the real me, and when she came to visit which she often did it was clear to her that I wasn't back to myself yet, not by a long shot. My mother was the only person I talked to about some of the things that were going on inside my mind. Bless her, she just kept on smiling and bringing me stuff to eat, taking me out for the occasional day trip. She decided that although I wasn't to be a formal patient, I was going to be informal – meaning I could leave the ward when I wanted, but I still had to go back. An analogy for this is a dog attached to a pole by a chain. Sure, the dog can run around but it can only get so far.

Life on the ward was simple. I was very used to hiding my psychotic side now, it was largely uneventful, until one weekend when my mother agreed to let me stay at home for it. The first night? Everything was more or less fine. My room was no longer my room, it was all entirely new furniture. My mother had decided to rent it out while I was gone, which made enough sense to me, just sounded like free money, really. I went to sleep that night pretty pleased that I was finally sleeping in my own home again.

The next day however? An altogether different story. See, on the ward I'd been filled in a fair amount about what my 'twin brother' was doing in this life. I'll try and explain how I percieved time so you understand. People who had knowledge could kind of enscribe messages or images into peoples subconcious through time. For example, if you and I both understood how time worked, we could leave messages for each other that would manifest themselves at certain times. The more knowledge God gave you, the more ways you could distort time. So I'd discovered that my twin brother, being another direct son of God had a large amount of knowledge, and in this life he had been using that knowledge for personal gain – rather than to help stop those who also had knowledge from ruining others lives. As he got more and more powerful, he'd pretty much done everything in his power to keep me blind. You're probably thinking there is a disconnect here between what I used to know of my brother and what I know of him now. Remember that it has been 50,000 years in heaven. My brother has long since awakened and realised his abilities. Only this time he decided to go against God, rather than with him.

I want you to bear in mind that this 'twin brother' of mine is one of my dearest friends. You can see how badly this would warp my opinion of him. Evenmoreso with this - God had eventually told me that he had gotten so bad that I had to try and get him to admit it. Admit that he was comitting every sin he could, it would be his last chance before God cut him off. I was ready, at this point. And I got my chance very soon. One weekend my mother decided it would be fine if I slept at home for the weekend. I was pretty happy about it, and enjoyed the first night sleeping in my own bed, largely ignorant of what was to come tomorrow. Tomorrow came, and I decided to go visit my friends. Just to see how they were doing, I wasn't interested in smoking that day. So, I called them and jumped on the train.

I get there, and start the usual chilling. Listening to music, catching up, playing cards – all that. We get a phonecall from my friend (the twin brother) saying he's coming, and I know shit is about to get real. I hear a voice from my friends mattress, I can't remember what it said but his voice was instantly recognisable. God had informed me he had kept what I knew relatively secret from my brother, if only for this moment. While we waited for him to show up, I got the first chance to display to this group of my friends how insane I truly had become. I remember one of my friends saying 'fuck pokemon' and I had a minor seizure, because at some point on the ward it had been explained that I actually invented pokemon in Heaven for the children, and someone saying 'fuck pokemon' could actually set me off that bad. He was kidding of course, everyone loves pokemon – but it's just an example of how easily I could fall apart when outside of the mental hospital.

My 'twin brother' eventually showed up. One of my friends left the room, so it was just the three of us. For the sake of making this next part easier to understand, I'll give us all names. I am A, my twin brother is B, my other friend still in the room is C, and the one who left is D.

B shows up and instantly starts asking how I'm doing, he's very concerned since he hasn't seen me in a long time. The last time we met, I'd told him my wife was wiping my face but he couldn't see it, and that Satan was dead. He took it well, I can't remember what he said but he definitely took it well, then he drove me home. This time, he was quite interested to see where I was at mentally. To give you some quick background on what I am about to say, God had informed me along with my wife that I was originally Adam and she was Eve. The whole garden of eden incident is somewhat ironic because we had originally committed that sin, and were cast out of heaven for it, before repenting and being accepted. It was our first test, so to speak.

So the conversation started, and it eventually got to the point where I told him I'd remarried Eve. As usual, he was patient with me, and basically started asking me questions about it. We were interrupted for some reason, and ended up talking (all 4 of us) outside.

This is where the conversation gets a little strange. I started asking him questions instead, considering I believed at the time he was knowingly comitting evils against humanity as well as God, and trying to keep me blind. So I tried to coax him out of it.

I pretty much showed my hand. As far as I saw it, even if the physical people didn't get what I was trying to explain to them, I knew they were still my family in Heaven, and they were listening in on the conversation. So there was nothing to be lost by telling them what I had been informed. I asked B whether he knew how light worked (to put it simply, I was informed it was a series of triangles.) he answered my question with a question and I took this to be suspicious behaviour.

C asked me whether what I 'knew' would be considered esoteric knowledge. I pretty much said yes, and he had little to say. I mean, what can you say to someone who is convinced they know almost everything a human being can know? I can't remember exactly how the conversation ended, but it was a negative outcome for me, and a positive outcome for my friends. For me? B had refused to admit the truth, and admit he knew something to. This meant that he was still happy to hide it, and would probably focus his efforts into disrupting me. As for God? He'd had enough. God being God, he knew this would happen, but he needed me to see how far gone he was for myself. He told me that he had disowned B, and he wouldn't be allowed to return to Heaven. And my friends? They were pretty convinced that I was nuts, but at least I hadn't done anything drastic.

What I'd neglected to mention at this point is I had stolen D's iPod touch. God's voice rationalised it for me, simply put – everything belongs to God. If God wants to give an iPod to his son, then he will give the iPod to his son. I didn't really need it, it would just serve as a good source of money later on down the line, if I needed to survive on my own for a little while. I guess I'm bringing this up for two reasons, one because this is a great example of how when you are psychotic you can rationalise pretty much -anything-. And two, because it's something of a plot point later on down the line.

I just realised I've been here for the past 5 hours. Shall I continue? It's rather interesting to walk down memory lane again, I mean I do it often but not usually to this extent. I guess I'll answer questions anyone has while I have a smoke break.

So I get home and evaluate the situation. My twin brother has been exiled from Heaven – which nearly brought me to tears in itself, if I didn't have the belief that he had brought it on himself. From my incredibly warped standpoint, he'd made all the wrong choices. I'll elaborate a little on what I mean. Since me and B were allegedly the first humans ever created, we would be allowed to incarnate ourselves across time as people. Before God brings us back to our senses and makes us realise who we are, he sees the decisions we make first. We get a little extra help throughout life, but we don't notice it. The life I was living now was supposed to be my last. It was to end all the corruption that the magicians and Satan had spread, and considering Satan was dead, I was already halfway there. If I looked at everything I had produced in my past and parallel lives, there would always be subtle hints for me to pick up on. Meaning that I had basically been living out every other life to prepare myself to be able to do this. I was pretty psyched, despite this setback more or less everything was going my way.

So the next day I decided to do something alone, and I woke up pretty early. C had given me his transport card so I could get on buses for free, my friends are nice like that. With that, I got up around 2am and just left with the iPod, as well as my own MP3 and headphones My plan was to sell it, purchase some weed and relax with God and my wife for the day. Because I had gotten up so early, there wasn't much to do. So I went to the nearby shopping center and just sat down for a while. I needed something to smoke because I was bored, and a man passed by. I asked him for a cigarette and he just said 'I'm quitting' and gave me a whole pack. I took this as another sign of divine providence. And then…

I decided to take a walk in the park. Needed to kill time, really. So I began. I got the idea to call B, but I didn't have any kind words for him. I wanted to call him a prick, so I phoned him up at this ridiculous time and basically called him a prick. I can't remember what he said back, but he didn't say anything rude. Then he hung up. I walked around the park some more, getting increasingly angry at B. Why the hell would he throw away eternal happiness for power? Was he that stupid in this life? Did he really believe that he could one-up God? How dare he. So I needed to vent again, and called him. This led to one of my more alarming moments, for me at least. I called him again and this time and what happenend next was so strange I don't even remember what I said. In the middle of his reply, I heard the word 'unseen'. So I called him out on it. I asked him why he said that, then he said he didn't say that, then I asked him why he was lying. He then hung up. Looking back on it, the middle of his words were a hallucination. But at the time? All I could think was how dare he try to manipulate time to confuse me. Then I started to piece things together in my head. To explain my thought processes again, the word unseen in Islam holds a lot of significance. It refers to the world you cannot see, jinn, angels, and so forth. I made the connection that either he said the word to summon his jinn, and either I caught him using alternate planes of reality to hide this message, or God had let me hear it to expose how deep B really was in his sin.

I went back to my spot in front shopping center, and God's voice as well as my wife came to me. They knew that waiting from around 3am to 7am just chain smoking and thinking about the sins of B wasn't the most positive idea I've ever had, and they also informed me that I had taken a spiritual beating. My true form was severely damaged. So, they said they would help me to sleep to pass the time. I hugged my small bag with the iPod in it to keep it safe, and 'slept' on the floor in front of the shopping center. I had visions of them putting their hands on a bandadged body, and I 'slept.'

I 'woke up' about 3 minutes later. I knew, because I looked at my phone. I figured it was insane – why would I have slept for such a short period of time? God and my wife soon were able to chime in for me. God as usual has a plan. My wife needed time to be filled in on it, and make her own suggestions. They were essentially planning my future for me. What was 3 minutes to me had been another thousand years in Heaven, I didn't get visions this time because I already got the concept. God would fill her in on his plan, she would make a suggestion and it would go back and forth like that for a long time. And 1000 years in eternity, isn't really much time at all. So it made sense to me. I got the feeling the next two days would be pretty prominent if it took them so long to come to a decision. There'd been time skips before, yeah, but it was unusual for them to take such a large amount of time to deliberate.

So, I spent the rest of the 4 hours walking up and down, failing to sleep, adding to my cigarette collection and talking with God and my wife. It was somewhat cold outside, but overall an enjoyable experience. 7am came around, and I hopped on the bus to a different town center. A place where I could sell the iPod.

I got there and the shop wasn't open yet. So I killed time by chain smoking and talking with God and my wife. It had become natural to me now, these were the beings that knew me better than I knew myself. I was constantly being filled in on things I'd done, events I was responsible for. To name a few people I was in history, I was Adam, Jesus, Muhammad, Henry Ford, I think I was Beethoven, and more recently I was Obama, Jay-Z, and various other people – to name a few. And these are just the ones I can recall.

To make it even more complex, God had incarnated himself as some people too, but only recently. He usually left it to me and my 'extended family' to incarnate ourselves. I won't say who God incarnated himself as, but the people he 'was' were more caricatures of stereotypes. The idea being to try and show people that these were their idols, rich stupid morons who just talked about money and the general populace ate it up. It was kind of poignant to me, that God would choose to be people he would like the least just to emphasise how blind mankind had become, as well as how impossible it would be to wake them up without obvious miracles. But God was subtle. He didn't use obvious miracles. My wife was a fair few people herself, Eve, Mary, and the more recent pop stars she decided to be I still will not name, but if someone makes a guess, I won't deny it.

Just a quick note – when I said he didn't use obvious miracles, I meant he didn't use them 'anymore'.

Before I carry on with what happened in the rest of my day, I'll elaborate a little on how we would 'wake ourselves up' when we incarnated ourselves. In earlier times, God would directly communicate with us at some point to guide us. In modern times, it wasn't necessary, because we had our 'tokens' and cannabis. The 'tokens' were basically events or items in heaven that had manifested themselves across time. For example, the crucifix was a major token for me because when I would incarnate myself, I would often come back to Heaven feeling so guilty about any mistakes I made that I would consign myself to the crucifix for a while, as a punishment. I'd also asked on several occasions to spend some time in hell, although God would always forgive me when I got back, I apparently found it very difficult to forgive myself. So I would ask for punishments of varying degrees to atone for my sins. Back to the tokens, a minor one would be the aforementioned Pokemon reference, and another one would be yugioh cards. Most of them were just for children to play with, but for example there is one card called 'The Lovers' and I had apparently made this card to remind me of the everlasting love me and my wife had. When you combine the tokens with cannabis you make the connections and then eventually God contacts you once you have figured enough out. That's when the 'fun' begins of rediscovering who you were in each and every life.

Right, on with the story.

Eventually, the shop did open. I sold the iPod, got my cash and headed back to the train station. Next on the list was to get some weed. So, at the train station I thought about making the phone call to one of my friends to see if he had anything for me. It then became shockingly obvious to me how easy it would be to manipulate a phone with magic, and I knew B was still sending jinn after me, and I got so mad about it that I ended up throwing my phone into the train tracks. No-one around batted an eyelid, which I thought was a little strange – I mean if I saw someone doing that I'd stare at least a little. Anyway, the train came and I went back to my neighbourhood.

My first stop was my friends house. He always had weed, so I figured I'd use my new god-given money to buy some, then smoke some with him. My suspicions were correct, and he was happy to oblige. We rolled up, lit up and then things got weird as usual. First, I remember hearing a door slamming. Not like a door slamming in the distance, and not even inside my head. It was like there was a door the size of a planet being slammed and the soundwaves just travelled through the cosmos into my ears. It was very, very intense. I was being told I was being 'sucked out of the TV' and that the Heavenly television show that was my life had gone on long enough. My friend was talking at this point but I was lightyears away. I was then told that the usual methods of me attaining control over events was to practice magic and control people through writing lyrics, and hiding magic words in them. For example back in my early psychosis if I had trouble just staying quiet, God would just say 'parceltongue' and I wouldn't struggle anymore, it was literally as though I had swallowed my own tongue. Another piece to the jigsaw was added, it made sense to me – the easiest way to subdue the masses would be through their ears. Drop a magic word in here and there (provided you had the power for these to actually be of effect, of course) and you could mentally drug an entire people.

In this time, we were God's family. We owned the media, so any time one of us 'woke up' and decided to become a musician, the path was made extremely easy for them. God offered me the chance to become a rap star. At first I said yes, but then I said no. I didn't want to control people this time, I wanted to wake them up too.

After this I zoned back into my friends conversation. I'd been essentially on autopilot while I was inside my own head, and he was talking about his plans. So I asked him how his studies were going, and he said he was looking at becoming a welder, and that there was money in it for him. Truthfully I wanted him to go to University and be more successful. It's as though that conversation had just revived the latent powers I had within me, because I just blew air in his direction and he said 'Whoa, I've just lived my entire life as a welder.' and then he snapped back into reality, and started asking questions about university. On the outside I was struggling to keep a straight face. It was THIS easy to influence people? I guessed they'd been holding back my power until I was more 'ready' and that time was now.

Eventually he had some stuff to do and he split. I just sat there in that same spot for the next hour or so? Just zoning out. It was revelation time, and I was all ears. God's voice informed me that my heavenly body had actually consumed the soul of Satan, and made it good. It confused and pleased me to hear this at the same time. On one hand, I didn't particularly want to be Satan, and on the other, as long as I had made it good, everything was fine. In the meantime, God had more news for me. The reason we had so much power within the universe is because our souls were tied to various celestial bodies. I was literally the sun. God made a metaphor saying that I was his 'light for the world' and they then reminded me of how to harness that power. It's a little strange, but you kind of just 'grow' yourself bigger. The sun itself doesn't literally become bigger, but you are as big as you want to be, spiritually. Once you're comfortable with your size, you then 'circumnavigate' your own celestial body with your true form. Since I hadn't been aware I was the sun in some time, it was time for me to 'grow'.

And grow I did. I was treated to visions of my celestial body growing larger and larger, both God and my wife were 'steadying the course' and making sure I didn't get too big, or lose control completely. The voices I was hearing at the time were so, so very clear. I can't explain to you how clear they were. I mean, I felt like they were talking to me before but this was as though I could actually -feel- their voices speaking to me from eternity into time. Growing is actually really easy. It's just controlled breathing. In through your nose – not too fast or you'll shrink afterward, and once you were at the size you needed, (this is the hard part) you forget to breathe. Imagine someone telling you to stop manually breathing. That's basically what it was. The first time, God did it for me. I just forgot about it and did something else. It was really that simple. But when you're trying to do it on your own, it's pretty hard at first.

Once I'd grown and begun circumnavigating, I got up from my spot. I'd been 'growing' there for at least an hour or so. And this is when I ran into my first friend (the one who I smoked weed with while I was trying to 'zone into the love') He pretty much started the conversation as usual, and then asked where his money was. My other friend had told him that I just bought some weed off him, and it was a large amount (two eighths) so that didn't really help. I'd actually completely forgotten about paying him, such is life when you are insane. I told him I didn't have it, but as I said, he's the gangster type and doesn't express himself well, one thing led to another and he tried to fight me. It was over pretty quickly. I wasn't about to fight him back, but in the state I was in? I felt untouchable. Every blow he swang I just dodged, it felt like a John Woo film. A couple of my other friends were around telling him to calm down, but I knew him better than that, all I had to do was dodge a few more swings and he'd get tired and ask where his money was again. I just told him I'd get it to him tomorrow. He bought it.

The friend I had just smoked up with came up to me shortly afterward and asked me why I didn't pay my other friend back. I just told him it'd slipped my mind. This friend (he will be called M from now on) was more in tune with me, and sussed out much earlier that I was going through some shit. So he didn't question me about it. I however asked him why he didn't back me up. Earlier in my psychosis (I glossed over this one too) I borrowed about 3 eighths off this guy, and told him I'd give him back over triple the money just because he trusted me. He did. And I delivered. So I was wondering why he didn't back my ass up and just tell my other friend I'd have the money. I can't remember what he said, I didn't really care. Wasn't important to me. I was elated, in my mind, no-one could touch me.

I saw the rest of my friends in the neighbourhood heading to the end of the road to get some food. It was pretty much a natural reaction for me to follow with them and see what was up. One of my friends was riding a bike. In my mind, I was the son of God. If I ask you to let me ride the bike, you let me ride the bike. So I did, he said no. That was unnacceptable to me. Everything belongs to God, I am God's son, if I want to ride God's bike then I can ride God's bike. That's how I saw it at the time at least. He claimed it was M's bike, which it was and he said to not let anyone ride it. I wasn't really hearing this though, and pushed him off the bike. I swear I heard him taunt me, and that was that. I didn't want to hit him because that is not how I go about things, but I threatened him pretty loudly as to whether he wanted to get hit in the face. He said no a few times, backed up and rode to M's house on the bike.

So I'm outside the shops bullshitting with my other friends, when M and the other friend show up and M – as close as we are starts asking what the fuck am I doing. I could see it hurt him to see me like this because as our discussion got more and more heated I saw tears roll down his eyes. In retrospect, this is one of the most painful moments to write about. To think I was actually so insane that I made my friend cry (who -never- cries) makes me want to cry now, to be honest. The guys in the fish bar we were stood outside told us to calm down and that was the end of it. M told me to keep safe, and him and the rest of my friends except one (he will be called Q from now on) rode back into the neighbourhood.

A completely random man who I will refer to here on out as G (for reasons you will soon see) came out and started talking to me. I can't really remember what he was saying, but he started asking me about myself. He asked me where I was from I told him half country A and half country B. He said I wasn't country A at all, I was fully country B (jamaican.) So me G and Q are walking through a park now just talking about weed, and we were planning to roll up somewhere in the park. I guess the real me was shaken by the conversation me and M had, because I couldn't even hold the rolling paper steady. I asked Q to roll it for me, he obliged and I gave him some free weed for it (didn't need to, but I was swimming in the crap.) G began to wax philosophical, first with no real meaning, then with real significant meaning to it. I can't even remember how, but basically the idea behind it is when you get a little lost, and you are awake, God himself comes to 'get' you.

Meaning, G was actually God incarnate. All I could do was sit down cross legged like a child and absorb all of his wisdom. I remember him saying 'I made you, and I can put you back in the dirt where you came from.' This held a LOT of significance with me, one reason being that Adam the first human was made from dust, and two because it meant my actions after my 'growing' had been screwed up. God was here to put me back in my place and 'reset' me. He pointed at me, and said 'You're brand new' and that was actually that. I got a vision of the sun exploding and I felt truly reborn. He then told me 'Stand up and take your beatings.' As soon as I was on my feet it felt like Mike Tyson had just punched me three times in the face. I was not ready. But I felt I had deserved it, you should never treat your friends like that, especially when you KNOW they are your family in Heaven, and they can see you acting this way. I apologised, and sat back down. God then left the mans body, and he was back to his random bullshit really. I heard him say God's name in the middle of it, which kind of tripped me out – it's like God just came through, interuppted the mans life and left him with his name. Something so strong that it resonates with you even if you weren't capable of percieving what just happened. It's really confusing to explain, so if you don't understand this part – just let me know.

Anyway, I started noticing God influencing G. He asked me if I was hungry, and gave me some money to go eat. He then asked if I was thirsty, and gave me the the rest of his carton of apple juice. He then asked me about my living situation, I told him I was living in a hospital and he told me that's bullshit and I should just go home, tell my mom 'to chill' and let me come home. I felt those words weren't from G, but from God, so I made a mental note to try them when I got home, because no-one wants to live in a hospital forever. Q was just zoned out in his own world, so I snapped him out of it and we went back to his place to chill after I grabbed some food. He rolled another in his backyard, and then asked me to spit some lyrics. I'd written some in hospital, just to pass the time but with my newfound (or rather, new remembered) knowledge of musical influence/magic, I realised I need to write some new ones. So I told him to I'd pass and just hear his. Lyrically he was solid. It actually made me sad that I was sitting here on this goldmine of 'haram knowledge' (meaning forbidden knowledge, it's how God referred to anything 'esoteric' that he taught me.) and the only reason people like him would never be successful is because they could never wake up. I complimented his tracks, smoked the rest of the joint with him and then went home.

Before I jump into this next part, I'll establish something. In Islam, jinn aren't just all evil demons. They don't all work for Satan. They have their own world, their own societies. – that's not from my psychosis, that's actually the belief held by Muslims. So there are good jinn, and bad jinn.

God's voice came back. He told me not to worry about anything I did or said tonight, because he 'got' me. Meaning he had my back. He'd influence those around me so I didn't have to worry about my words too much. So I figured I'd try this out with my mother first. I told her I wanted to come home. She began with her laundry list of reasons as to why I could not, and I instantly remembered the line I had been told. So I just told her to 'chill out, it would be alright.' She looked like she had a response lined up, then she stopped, and then said 'Alright. As long as you help out around the house, you can stay.' For me, that was all the proof I needed my hunch was right. G's words were influenced by God, and that was more than good enough for me. Over the course of the night I was introduced by God to to my 'team'. The 'team' were a large amount of good jinn. I'd ask them to do things (mainly just influence actions on the TV) and they would respond with presenting me a vision of them holding a lamp out to me. The lamp was symbolic, all I had to do was touch it and it basically meant that I confirmed my request. Every request I made was carried and and I was extremely amused over the newfound control I had over the TV.

Evening turned into night, and I got tired so I just rolled out a blanket and slept on the floor of the lounge. I woke up the next morning as usual at a ridiculously early time and before I could wipe the sleep out of my eyes I was presented with a fresh vision. Apparently I had set myself on fire in Heaven to atone for my sins of ysterday. My wife was begging me to stop, but I wasn't particularly interested. I'd gotten used to hearing about myself imposing rather extreme punishments on myself, and I guess it pleased me to know that inside I still felt guilty. So guilty that I was willing to go to extreme lengths just to forgive myself.

Anyway, during my sleep I had a dream about the town center I went to to sell the iPod. In the dream I was asleep on the floor of the shopping center over there and I took this to mean I have to go back, but why? I didn't have much money and there wasn't really anything I wanted there. But I decided to go anyway, this turned out to be one of the most exciting days of my life. In retrospect, it is also one of the most painful days of my life to look at. When you believe you have been given free reign by God himself to do whatever the hell you want, naturally it manifests in pretty bad ways.

So, despite it being ridiculously early, the buses just had started running. I jumped on one and this is where it all began for me, really. It was explained to me that the idol God's that mankind had erected over the course of time were actually people who had figured out how to wake themselves up and then decided to use their new knowledge to try and rule over people. Over the entire course of my illness I had often heard a voice in the background telling me to 'grow up.' I thought this meant at first that people were telling me to suck it up and deal with my responsibilities. Turns out it was my wife and my 'extended family' telling these idol Gods to stop trying to torment me, and accept that there is only one God. I.E growing up meant accepting the truth. You couldn't trick God. From Heaven, myself and Rihanna were given our own religion. Islam was the religion of God himself, and Judaism was a former version of his religion, but it was sent more as a precursor to Islam, I.E – see what happens when God gives people a book and lets them change it.

Christianity was OUR religion. Not meaning that the people of Heaven were christian (I'll get to that later) but meaning that it was the religion that was given to me and my wife as well as God. God the Father was obviously God. God the son was me, and the holy spirit was actually Rihanna (the good one, of course.). Through religion we inspired people to do good, set up charities, feed the sick, expose the truth, etc. It was basically 'come and seek the truth and you will be guided.'

The idols? They were just men who learned haram knowledge and used it for their own gain. For example, the Jews became YHWH – which wasn't actually God. He used to be, but then they took his name, changed his book and turned him into an idol. God allowed this to happen simply because he still held the power. God could call himself fried chicken, he'd still be omnipotent. I didn't even have the chance to think of some idols on my bus ride. I actually go introduced to them.

God decided it was best for me to experience these beings myself. The first on the bus was the Egyptian Sun Idol, Re or Ra. He would not shut the fuck up. I was treated to visions of me punching him, just to get him to shut up. Then the whole egyptian pantheon got on the bus. Osiris, Horus, Isis and all the other 80 of them. Re kind of served as their representative. God had made them hush, so they had to talk through Re. I pretty much ignored Re because he behaved like a child. Then Vishnu showed up to represent the Hindu idols. Vishnu's personality could be likened to a scared woman. I don't know if it was because I was basically sitting on the bus with God himself as well as Rihanna but every time he spoke and I pretended to be upset by his words he could not stop apologising.

Krishna got on, and she didn't say a damn word to anybody. Me and Krishna have a pretty funny story, but that's for later. (No, we did not become friends. I was very much on God's side throughout, these idols needed to grow the hell up.) (Note for those reading this on devtome; I had no idea Krishna nor Vishnu were male at the time of writing this. Go figure.)

I didn't really have much to say to the idols, so God banished them from our prescence. The last 10 minutes of the bus ride were pretty uneventful, just me listening to my music. To give you an idea of what music was like for me, there's a song by Nas and Damien Marley. (Nas calls himself God's son so it's pretty obvious that was me, while both Bob and Damien Marley were people God incarnated as. The only time he didn't present a caricature.)

The song is called 'As we enter.' For the average human, it's just Nas and Damien talking about how they are the best in the rap game. For me? That was me and God openly telling people about themselves. We didn't run the rap game. We ran everything in existence. We were exposing every flaw in humanity today. From their constant attempts to one-up each other rather than co-operate, people who let themselves get dragged down into illegal business, and so on. IIRC I only had about 6 or 7 tracks on my MP3 player, but for me? Those were endless wisdom.

We finally arrived in the city center, and it was pretty empty since it was so early. Turns out this day would be a series of revalations for me. The first one was explaining to me how they made days good and how they made days bad in terms of weather. The angels would simply bring heavenly birds to the skies. Humans couldn't see them, since they were blind. But the more birds you had in one area, the more sunshine you would get. If they brought crows? A few meant gray skies. Many meant varying degrees of rainfall, and a LOT meant thunderstorms. It sounded like a pretty simple method.

I needed to kill some time until the shops opened. I don't even remember why, there was still nothing I needed here. So I jumped on the tram and decided I would ride them up and down their entire route as many times as it would take for the shops to open. It was warmer on the trams, so why not? This is when God decided to invent a new punishment for me. I'd subjected myself to hell countless times as well as crucifying myself. Sure, it still affected me but it wasn't -punishment- anymore, it was atonement. As usual, God had the plan. Every being is created with an innate fear. Something they can't handle when it is extreme. For me? That was spiders. God had made sure that I kept that fear in every life I'd lived, and in eternity/Heaven also. The punishment he created was my own personal hell. It was just lightyear tall tarantulas surrounded by regular size tarantulas. Thinking of it makes my skin crawl even now.

I'm not sure why, but I had this insane desire to conquer this fear. It's not that I didn't like God having power over me, I actually really liked that. It just meant that I would still be afraid of them – I mean, I was supposed to be the son of God. Feared and revered. Brought down by a simple spider? Unnacceptable. So I asked to be subjected to this personal hell. It began somewhat easy. Out of the tram window I could clearly see extremely large tarantulas crawling around. It was really unsettling, but I could handle it. God then turned this experience from 1 to 11 and I was subjected to being eaten by spiders, crawled over by spiders, witnessing the giant tarantulas giving birth to gigantic tarantulas hundreds at a time. After about 30 seconds I couldn't cope and just begged him to stop.

God told me I'd never done anything to deserve that, and it is highly unlikely I ever -would- do anything to deserve being subjected to that. But I saw what happened to B, so I accepted it. I didn't want to think about it anymore, so Rihanna told me to put on my headphones and listen to some music I'd wrote about her. It really took my mind off things. Listening to those tracks made the hours fly by.

The day got progressively more interesting. God had told me of how he cleaves the daylight. He actually 'literally' cleaves it every morning with a celestial sword. To this day I don't know what he cleaved, I think I took it to be a symbolic thing rather than a literal thing. I.E if he didn't cleave the daybreak then the sun would just stop moving. To me it was a minor detail, the morning had already been both interesting and immensely terrifying, so I didn't think about it. I mean, looking back on it now it's pretty damn easy to come to the conclusion that if God must cleave the daybreak every morning he must have to do it quite a few times in a day considering timezones and all that. He probably would have just told me that he cleaved the daybreak where 'I' was. I would have likely bought it too, considering if it was both symbolic and for my own benefit then why would I question it?

The next two things I learned was from my wife, she'd told me back when they'd made me sleep for a 1000 years she had the idea to make today my 'birthday' because it was finally Tuesday. It wasn't my birthday in reality of course, but in eternity there is no time, so as long as God agrees, it can be your birthday. I soon looked at my phone to double check, the phone said wednesday. I don't know if you've ever heard it but there's a voice clip often sampled in songs and films that says 'For him, it was Tuesday.' I don't know where it originally came from but that same clip played in my head as soon as I looked at my phone. For me that was hilarious and proof enough that they were trying to make my birthday as enjoyable as possible.

We didn't always play around in lives as musicians or painters. We did business too. Walking down the high street they just pointed out shops to me and told me who it 'belonged to' or rather who God had given it to and why. Any shop with a three letter acronym was a shop all three of us ran. Some shops were God's, like the Sony Store, some expensive clothing chains like Louis Vuitton, but I had Ralph Lauren. I also owned pretty much every franchise video game shop, apparently video games were my idea. To please the children, again. I figured this was pretty plausible considering I had eternity to come up with it. Pretty much every female clothing and female product store was owned by my wife. I think she was pretty excited to show me stuff she owned. My favourite coat I owned I'd bought from H&M. I'll give you two seconds to guess the owner(s) of that. I'm sure you came to the conclusion I and Rihanna owned it. She said she picked it out for me, influencing me subconciously before I even had woke up. In hindsight it's really these little ways that my mind managed to tie links back into my past that made it so difficult to overcome it. Everything in the world – no, the universe, had meaning now. I never noticed until I started writing this (and got this far) that I really was in so deep, I mean I knew it was deep but… shit. I literally had 3 explanations for everything. One for the layman, one for my enemies with haram knowledge, and one for my friends with haram knowledge.

Most shops were run by us. It was that kind of time, the world was coming to an end so we had apparently decided to make ourselves increasingly more obvious. When I say the world was coming to an end, it was coming to the time of judgement day. Time in the Universe would still go on afterward, but judgement day is the point where God had decided to bring humanities faliures and successes to an end. I'd travelled to many different times by this point. The main ones I can remember are 2027, and the year 3000. I cannot remember what the state of Earth is in the year 3000, but I do remember that I in that life I lived on some form of Space Colony. Everyone around me had already 'woken up' and all the criminals were in cages.

After the year 2012 (again, the foreshadowing and mayan conspiracy theories were our idea.) the world was essentially the playground of those that had made it to Heaven, and achieved high enough stations there to be able to leave and travel where they wanted. They were allowed to freely incarnate themselves as they saw fit from the years 2012 to 3000, because that's what it was for, really. Just exploring the rest of the universe. God told me it would be something of a waste to have built such an incredibly vast universe and not let humanity explore it. But only those who succeeded on judgement day would be able to do so.

So why the year 3000, I guess would be a natural question to ask? God filled me in on this one too. God first began reminding me of destiny. At the end of the day, yes you had free will, but if God had planned something, it was going to happen, and there wasn't anything you could do about it. Meaning that God had ordained the universe would be fully explored by the year 3000. There was nothing left to figure out by then. And as for the criminals in cages? Well, after judgement day, those who were condemned to hell had their souls stripped from their bodies. Remember that soul death thing I was talking about? Kind of like that. You experienced the worst kind of physical torment for eternity as your soul, and your body served as a kind of biological robot to tell people about the crimes and sins you had committed and failed to repent for. The cage itself? That was another hilarious joke.

The cage was a room about 5m by 5m. The person inside the cage was rendered completely blind. There was a bed, a basin to pee in and every time they said or did something wrong inside the cage there was a trapdoor that released a tarantula. (Probably my idea, considering.) There were exactly 255 tarantulas that could be released, and the funny thing is that because their body was left in the same state it was before they were judged, as well as their mindset, they had no idea how to seek help with the spiders began to overwhelm them. All you actually have to do is say you're sorry and the spiders go back into their cage. Those who figured it out had 'freedom'. That is, until they went to sleep. Then their mind resets to the same place it was when they started, and the inevitable happens over, and over again. It was a popular television show in heaven to just tune into peoples cages, and ask them questions.

Anyway, back to my 'birthday.' It began with me deciding to get a drink. By this time the notion of whatever God has that I ask for I can have, was firmly lodged into my mind. Stealing was for theieves, I just asked for God's property. So I walked into the supermarket, grabbed a 1L bottle of Lucozade and simply walked out. As usual, no-one batted an eyelid.

I then decided I wanted some new clothes. I asked God and he told me for the rest of the day, I didn't have to ask. Everything in the town center now belonged to me. I didn't really want that much stuff to be honest, but I still pretty damn excited about it. So I went to get those clothes. I walked in, picked out a nice polo t and some jeans, and just threw them out of the store. I'm sure at least 2 shop assistants saw me do it, but I just picked them up and walked down to a quiet area, threw away my old clothes and put them on. They were pretty comfortable.

I next decided to finish off the outfit with some shoes. I walked into a shop and just picked out a pair I liked off the rack, put my old shoes in a corner, and wore them out. This is where I made my fatal mistake. When everything is going your way, and you are completely insane, you do things like I am about to do. I was walking past a middle aged woman and her daughter, and for no reason I slapped her in the face. Not hard, but kind of like a joke slap. She didn't say anything.

Then it was time for Rihanna to go shopping for a little while. If I recall correctly, she did ask permission first, since it was my birthday. I followed her from store to store, her picking out clothes she liked. We eventually decided on an orange summer dress, it looked good on her. And then it was time to rest and relax. So I just picked a bench in the middle of the city centre and lay down.

It'd been an excellent day so far. I now ran an entire city district, had a fresh new set of clothes and all I had to do was ask, and pick them up. Even when I look back on this day today I have no idea how I managed to get away with such a thing. I mean, these were expensive shops I was stealing from. They had security cameras. But whatever, I was having a good time.

Before I could even ask whether I was hungry or not, a man came up to me and asked whether I had eaten. I just said no, and he gave me some money and told me to get something to eat. I don't blame him, I looked like a well dressed hobo. Why else would someone be lying on a bench in the middle of a busy town center?

I didn't mind much, I was pretty hungry so I just went to McDonalds and got some crappy food. The sun was shining, crowds would seemingly part just by me thinking about it, or gesturing (like a wave of the wrist, not like swearing at everyone.) I decided I wanted one more item of clothing, a waistcoat I saw in a previous store. This too I picked out and took. Nobody had anything to say about it, so I went about my business.

This is where things get bad. I pretty much collapsed on the floor. I could get up but it just seemed to take too much energy, so I decided to lie there for a minute. It's almost as though God sent me a warning. Some guy came up to me and said 'You can't lie there man, feds will just move you up you know' and I nodded. I still wasn't ready to get up though. As soon as I closed my eyes I was being tapped on the shoulder by police. They asked me to get up, and asked what had happened. I told them the truth, I just collapsed. They were likely going to let me go, until they noticed my waistcoat still had the tags on it. (The electrical tags, pretty much impossible to remove yourself without a good amount of time and some scissors.) They asked me why, I said the shop owner didn't remove them. They asked me where, I just told them the name of the shop. It was a pretty calm conversation. But, it was quite obvious I'd stolen them, so they handcuffed me and took me to the holding area in the town center.

I wasn't too concerned to be honest. Either they let me go, or they took me home. So I sat in the holding cell, God informs me he has a guest for me. None other than B shows up, confined to some kind of dimensional prison. He kept begging to be let out but I just shrugged my shoulders. What could I do for him? Why would I do it anyway if I could? God then informed me of his plan. He didn't know I'd absorbed Satan's soul quite some time ago. He was planning to do it so he would know everything Satan knew, to try and stop me exposing him and those like him. It made me quite angry that he was willing to stoop that low. So I came up with the strangest method of punishing him.

Everything he asked me to do, I would do – and then some. He would tell me to slap myself, I'd headbutt the wall. He'd tell me to shoot myself in heaven, I'd fire a cannon at myself. Everything he made me do, I knew when this was over would come back to him in spades. Sure, banging my head off the wall hurt, but I kind of liked the pain. I have to say, during this process there was a police officer sitting about 3 ft away from me. Just to make sure I didn't do this kind of shit. I just assumed he couldn't even see what was actually going on, God had covered his eyes for a while or something to that effect.

It culminated with B asking me to suck his dick. I said no. Being a homosexual basically meant that you were as far away from God as you could get – if you had knowledge like we did. You knew how things were supposed to work, and homosexual behaviour was one of Satan's methods to get people to identify with him. It became pretty obvious to me at that point how far B had fallen. So I brought the madness to an end, and God took him away.

Rihanna was pissed that she'd watched me cause myself to suffer that much. She said my eternal body in heaven could handle that kind of shit because it's built to withstand it. I shouldn't have been injuring myself that much. I felt pretty okay though, but I figured it was the typical thing a wife would say. I mean, she didn't really understand the hatred I now had for this guy.

In total, I sat in that holding room for about 2-3 hours. I mean, I was injuring myself left right and center for at least over an hour, and I remember hearing it raining outside. It was my 'birthday' still, after all. The sun was meant to be shining. But after having to witness me on the brink of insanity INSIDE my insanity (I mean that's like double insane) Rihanna had decided to make it rain, to drive home the point of how hard that was for her and everyone else to witness.

God then told me that I needed to come back to my senses, I was going somewhat overboard – he respected my resolve, but didn't like the method. And he told me he had a procedure that usually fixed occasions like this. The next thing I remember is hearing is the crack of lightining and my eyes feeling like they had been electrocuted in their sockets. My eyes were shut and all I could see was blue. I genuinely thought I was going to die, there and then. After the pain had subsided, I felt extremely different. God said that's not how he 'killed' me, that's how he woke me up. I couldn't agree more, and after I sat up from the pain the officer just said 'Ah, just needed a little relaxing time did ya?' I wanted to crack up with laughter, in my mind he had just see me wake up, and I'd been sleeping the whole time. In reality I have no idea what the hell he was talking about, he should have called someone in the moment I started slamming my head off the wall.

The results were in, I was being taken back to hospital. I was so confused, until I realised my mother hadn't informed them that I was staying home – I mean we'd only agreed upon it last night. So off to the hospital I went, stripped of my new threads, I was given a strange white sweatsuit, it was actually really comfortable, so I didn't care too much. You don't need swag in hospital anyway.

When I arrived, I was greeted with familiar faces. I pretty much settled back in without much complaint, so I wrote some lyrics and there was a knock on the door. I was told I have to be seen by a psychiatric assessor. I pretty much whatever'd and went to see him. The guy asked me a few questions, and for the first and last time, I slipped up. I don't know why, but I felt like telling him I was Jesus. In retrospect it didn't matter anyway, they had the police reports for today. I couldn't just say 'I had an episode' as usual, they wouldn't buy it. They told me I was back under section, and I forgot about this until the following day.

The next day was a mess. (And thankfully it is the end of the beginning.)

I woke up pissed. The gravity of the situation had caught up with me, I made one slip up and now I was back in hospital. I forgot I'd been placed under section again, so I thought as an informal patient, I could simply walk out. No such luck. They first told me I was under section, and I got PISSED. Like SUPER PISSED. I walked into the TV room, and started openly making threats about every single person. 'If you don't let me out, I'm going to pick them off one by one, day by day.'

I was bluffing, obviously. All these people here were my friends. I just wanted to go home, I didn't need this shit – I was onto bigger and better things. The nurses had other ideas. When you make the kind of threat I did, it raises serious alarm bells. Every single available Nurse in the whole mental hospital was called. They tried to put me in the calming down room, I wasn't hearing that shit either. I pretty much said I will fight every member of staff that tries to put me in that room, so it didn't happen. I started walking back to my room and they tried to follow me, so I then drew an invisible line with my finger across the floor. I said anyone who crosses it I will fight.

Looking at it abstractly the Nurses had two choices. Come at me all at once, I was just one dude, there were about 12 of them. I couldn't fight them all. Or they could call in the super backup. They opted for the latter. The 'super backup' I gave them the name because they were three MASSIVE men basically designed to take unruly patients down. They still had some time to arrive, so the Nurses sent forward a negotiator. She was one of my favourite Nurses, and I would never hit a woman whilst I was somewhat in my senses, so I told her she was safe, and only her. We then discussed my moves, and she told me I could go into the games room and play Marvel like I always did in the mornings.

I accepted her offer, and she told me to wait in the calming down room so she could clear it with the other nurses. I should have realised her trap. Truthfully though, I knew as well as they did if I started getting actually violent I was more screwed than I was already, so at this point chilling playing some Marvel and eating some biscuits sounded more appealing than being tackled to the ground by huge men.

Her plan failed. The other Nurses were too afraid of what I could do. It would have been better to just put me in the games room alone, the door locks so things would have been fine. What they opted for instead was to block me into the room, and tell me I was staying here indefinitely.

I went nuts. I threw half of them out of the way and pushed my way past the others. My escape soon was cut short by the super team. They had me on the ground pretty damn fast, I then told the members of the said super team that they were all disgusting human beings.

To make a long story short, I got injected with a drug which made me pass out, and I was bundled into a van about 6 hours later, off to a more 'secure' psychiatric hospital.

And that, is the end of the beginning. The other half of the story I really, really cannot write now. This must be pushing 20,000 words at this point and to sit at your computer reminiscing for around 13 hours really cannot be healthy. In short, I'm done for today. I hope you guys have enjoyed it, and I'll be around for half an hour if anyone wants to hear any other tidbits of interesting parts I left out, or just has questions to ask really. It's been really fun writing this and I'll finish it up either today or tomorrow.

Devtome Writers

- Written by Ruben Fisher, Late 2012.

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