TSA To Start Body Cavity Strip Searches Due To Intel On Deadly ISIS Suppositories

Written by Devtome contributor: Bomac

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Pictured Above: Two tenured TSA agents demonstrate upcoming terrorist suppository search protocol for lucky media members at press conference in Reagan National Airport

Washington DC - In a move that is certain to raise eyebrows around the world, as well as garner complaints from civil liberty organizations, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) which has gained infamy in recent years for forcing US airline travelers to be subjected to radioactive naked body imaging technology and full body invasive pat downs, announced yesterday that an unspecified intelligence agency has indicated that the Islamic State (ISIS) terrorist group may have already developed explosive suppositories with enough firepower to down a jumbo jet.

Officials say that bomb miniaturization (nano) technology has advanced to the point where the explosives can be contained in a suppository merely 2 inches long by 1 inch circumference. The government admits that they know it's possible because an unnamed US military counter terrorism contractor has already developed the same technology. Officials say that if ISIS has developed deadly suppositories of their own – as is the rumor in at least one intelligence circle – it would be simple for an extremist sleeper agent to get past the current security checks, since the suppositories would go completely undetected by the naked body scanners as well as the invasive prisoner style pat downs.

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In the TSA press conference held in the bowels of Reagan National Airport in the District of Columbia, the agency's assistant Executive Field Marshall, Rudolph Blumenreuter said, “I can say with near certainty that as many as almost half of our agents are no happier at the prospect of having to conduct the invasive cavity searches, than the flying public will be happy to have them done, but the sheer evil of these terrorists is forcing the TSA to start rolling out semi random body cavity searches within the next two weeks. Initially we believed we could simply have all passengers touch their toes, fully clothed, and be thoroughly sniffed by the dogs, which for most flyers, would not have been too bad. If anything, it would have tickled, but we discovered to our abject dismay, this technology is actually odorless.”

Blumenreuter continued, “Approximately 5 to 27 percent of airline travelers, on any given day, will be required to participate in what we are tentatively calling, the Patriotic Cavity Program (PCP). We are not being discriminatory, but females will have 2 cavity searches, namely the vagina and the anus, while males will only have the anus digitally probed. This is not to say that the penis and testicles will not be thoroughly handled. Our agents are trained to lift up everything that moves, wobbles or jiggles; including men's & boy's junk, natural breasts, artificially endowed breasts, man-boobs, and every roll of fat the traveler has. Dependent upon their body type, this could add up to 20 minutes per passenger to the screening process, so passengers should get to the airport 8 to 12 hours before official departure time.”

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Perhaps the most controversial aspect of the program is the fact that the searches will be performed in see through plexiglass enclosures where the rest of the security procedures are done. The purpose is for transparency to assure the flying public that everything is being done in a professional manner, since everyone will be able to bear witness to the procedures. As yet undecided, the cavity searches may or may not be recorded on digital video and audio. Blumenreuter refused to take questions on this aspect of the program, but the press kit said the idea is to provide 100% transparency as well as to protect the agents from lawsuits from passengers who might otherwise be willing to lie about inappropriate actions or conversation.

Surprisingly, the cavity searches will not be entirely random. The agency admits they will be semi random. The press handout states that, “Overweight and other less attractive people will constitute no less than 3/4 of the cavity searches.” Officials claim that this is not illegal discrimination because the law prohibits discrimination against people based on ethnicity, gender, age or sexual preference; not on physical desirability.

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When asked to document the evidence that unattractive people are more apt to commit acts of terror than their more fetching counterparts, Blumenreuter answered, “There is no such evidence that we know of. That's not what this is about. The agency has been accused of harassing attractive people, both male and female in the past.”

“We readily concede that there have been instances where passengers, including children, have been forced to go through the body scanner multiple times, only because the agents who could see through their clothes wished for more ogle time.1) There have been instances where attractive people have been forced to get the full body pat down, even when they did not opt out of the naked body scanner, simply because the agent wanted to touch their private body parts,”2) Blumenreuter admitted.

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“There was a former Miss USA who had an agent blatantly touch her private area not once or twice or even three times, but four times.3) It is all too common that victims of our own agents' violations are exceptionally attractive individuals. These people are actually discriminated against and sexually harassed because they were sexually appealing, through no fault of their own. Therefore, thanks to an executive order just signed by President Obama, for at least the first year of this program, we will try to statistically balance out the situation by giving fit and attractive individuals less body cavity searches.”

Blumenreuter was asked if this was, in fact, a public mea culpa from the TSA.

“Absolutely it's a mea culpa, not only from the DHS & the TSA, but from the White House as well. The public is quick to forget that our agents are human. They make mistakes like every last one of us. There is no way the agency can prevent all of their mistakes, but we can try to ensure the inequities don't always go against the more attractive travelers. It's only fair. Let us never forget, we are the United States,” Homeland Security's, Generalfeldmarschall Blumenreuter concluded.

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TSA officials have said that the body cavity search program is a marked improvement over other TSA policy changes in terms of being pro active regarding safety. They cite the shoe bomber and the underwear bomber as examples of instances where the agency reacted only after the fact, whereas this program is a preemptive strike against a bloodthirsty suppository bomber.

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In both previous instances, the terrorist passengers unsuccessfully tried lighting their explosive ridden clothing on fire. Had they done the logical thing, and gone to the bathroom to set off the explosive shoe, or tighty whities, the planes may have actually sustained damage, but since they inexplicably attempted to detonate their clothes at their seats, other passengers were easily able to avert any danger.

In both instances, the TSA changed their security measures. After the shoe bomber, all passengers had to take their shoes off, and after the underwear bomber, they either had to accept the radioactive naked body imaging or the full body pat down, (and sometimes both.)

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“This time,” Blumenreuter said, “we are not waiting for a passenger to stand up at his seat, pull his pants down and try to light his rectum. Thanks to heightened intelligence, we know what is coming, so we can prevent it with the semi random Patriotic Cavity Program.”

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One reporter at the press conference, who has since gone into immediate retirement, asked Field Marshall Rudolph Blumenreuter what good would randomized body cavity searches do. She suggested that if only a minority of passengers were to be put through them, it would be doubtful that a genuine terrorist suppository plot could be thwarted, and therefore, it was her opinion that the program was being introduced on a smaller level but that it would soon be expanded to include everybody. She also cited eye witnesses who indicated the shoe bomber4) and the underwear bomber5) were both placed on their respective flights by men in suits, who then disembarked before takeoff, raising suspicion over the possibility of both of those non events being false flags performed for the express purpose of rationalizing the increased power grab and the theft of liberty by the TSA & DHS. The former reporter also questioned for what possible legitimate and defensive purpose would a US military contractor create suppository bombs in the first place. She said that ISIS, on record, has already ended up with many USA munitions and heavy artillery, and that it's not only extremely unlikely that ISIS has the ability to manufacture an explosive suppository, but that it's probable that the only suppository that might ever be used against the United States will actually have been made by the United States.

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