The Worst Types of Friends

You may have read similar articles all over the World Wide Web. You may have found them funny and amusing, you laughed, closed the tab and moved on. The truth is: they are all written by someone who’s been hurt by their “frenemies” and they are only trying to help, not amuse you. Some of us never got out of high school. Some bullies will always be bullies. For some people, the gift of friendship is not worth more than a mountain of gold and they use it as a currency that can be bought and sold. So if you asked God for good friends, he might also send you fallacious ones. That way you can tell apart the pearls from the stones. Often times, we can’t really discern who’s real and who’s false, and just because someone is listening that doesn’t mean they will be there in times of trouble.

The “Mockingbird” Friend

Mockingbirds are friends who are always there to criticize you. They may be good friends when you can’t see the real picture, but most mockingbirds are not there to support you. Even when they pay you a compliment, there is always a painful sting behind their pretty words. Whether you look great despite the fact you’re fat or they can’t think of anyone else who can pull off a promotion with a minimum effort like you did, their courtesy is always more of an insult. They always make you feel bad no matter how great and earned your achievements are. There are two subtypes of this type of friends, so before dismissing them, make sure you decide in which category your friend belongs. There are mockingbirds who mock you out of jealousy and there are those who are doing the mocking subconsciously. If you think your friend is disrespectful to you because they are envious of your accomplishments, it will be best to avoid them. They are no good anyway, so keeping them close will only end in blood. Sooner or later, you will realize that their bitterness is making your life difficult and you get nothing in return for being nice and putting up with their hostility. The second subtype of the mockingbird friend is worth keeping because they are not taunting you because they want to bring you down, but out of habit. They probably had judgmental parents and siblings, who criticized their work as they were growing up. They think that their reproach is constructive, because they have been raised in a moaning environment. If you sit down to talk with this friend and point out that their approach is not very healthy you will most likely get a positive feedback.

The “Vampire” Friend

Vampires are real. You might not believe they exist because you have never had a friend who’s a vampire. But they are all around us. We talk to them, have dinners together and invite them over. They may not really drain our blood, but they sure drain our energy. When you are with them, you feel like you are slowly losing touch with your surroundings. When they leave, you feel the urge to lie down and take a nap. Their overly dramatic gestures, intrusive attitude and negative vibes make you want to stick your fingers in a power socket to recharge. After an hour spent with them, you swear you won’t call them for two weeks, at least. They are chronic grumblers who can find fault in the most perfect surrounding. When you meet, you usually meet one on one, because they have difficulties draining the energy from two sources at once. If you meet in a group, they are usually quiet and withdrawn, or extremely argumentative. These friends too, are not entirely responsible for their own destructive behavior. They have deep seeded emotional problems, but instead of dealing with them, they choose to overrun other peoples’ merriment. When they see the last drop of energy draining from your eyes, their world doesn’t seem so empty anymore. If your bestest friend is a vampire, you are required to help them. They want to see the light too, but they can’t find their way out of the labyrinth alone. Call attention to their manners next time their grumpiness flares up. Arrange for fun activities you can do together and avoid being pulled in inside their negative realm. If you think their problems are far beyond your ability to help, you can always avoid their influence. Tough love is what these individuals need. Change the subject whenever they start to complain and soon, they will realize that the only problem in the world is in fact, in them.

The “Martyr” Friend

It can go either way, depending on the type of relationship you have, but the martyr has been more often the prey, than it is the predator. They like being the prey, they enjoy it actually. When you call for help in the last minute, they feel like they rule the world. Whether you want someone to pick you up at the airport, or you need someone to bail you out of jail, the martyr will always wait for your call. If you are the type of person who steps on others toes to get where they want in life, this type of friend is everything you need. They can get your coffee, make your calls, break up for you and you can probably convince them to do something illicit for the sake of your friendship. They have a bad side however. The martyr will never let you forget what they have done for you. When you are done praising them, you will never hear the end of the story of how they always help everyone around them. You are not special. They help everyone. Their need to help is not coming from the goodness of their hearts, but from the lower form of self-esteem there is. They never feel good enough, and that’s why they are constantly trying to please everyone. The inner critic is always awake in these individuals and they believed that if they sacrifice, they will be rewarded. If you are not a person who likes to abuse peoples’ good nature, these types of friends will probably irritate you. Sit them down and explain to them the fact that their companionship is enough and they don’t need to victimize themselves for your attention. Establish some boundaries and let them know when you really need their assistance and when their meddling is reaching its limits.

The “Psychiatrist” Friend

Your psychiatrist friend doesn’t have a diploma in psychiatry, but they always know where your problem lies and how to solve it. They know which diet you should try, what the best gym for your training is and who you should be dating. When you need insight about a problem you have, these friends will give you advices before you ask them to. They love being asked and they can give you their point of view on every situation. Until now, this type of friend seems like the best friend you can possibly find. The problem with them is that they never stop interfering in your life. If you think very hard, you will realize that you don’t actually know about your friend’s problems. That’s because they never really share them with you, because your problems are easier to deal with. They don’t even like talking about their own problems because you will force them to enter an unfamiliar zone. That zone scares them and they will switch to your problems as soon as you give them a chance. “I told you so” is their favorite line and they never fail to use it. You can never really know if a dear friend is the real thing and generally concerned about your worries or just using you as an antidote for their own personal demons. If you want to test your friend to see if they are the psychiatrist type, let them know you can solve your own problems without their advices. This may come as a shock to them, because they have helped you solve so many dilemmas in your life. Nevertheless, if your friendship means a lot to both of you and they are not using your problems to avoid theirs, they will understand that their nosey minds are not allowed in every one of your life events.

The “Me” Friend

The “Me” friend will get along with anyone, as long as they are the leaders of the pack. They are charming and know how to use their body language and charisma to get people on their side. They are the daddy’s princesses and momma’s boys who always came first while they were growing up. They will never really listen to what you have to say, unless what you say agrees with what they had to say. Even then, what you said will be credited to them. Whenever you accomplish something they will find a way to take away the spotlight. Your birthday will be their merit, because they have found a way to organize the perfect party, schedule the best restaurant and order the best booze. Even your wedding day should be about them, not you. They are constantly talking only about themselves and they will always make everything revolve around them. They are self-absorbed and selfish and one of the worst friends you can have. If you are putting your best efforts to be on their good side, you can possibly benefit from this friendship. The “Me” friend will never let anyone hurt one of their friends, not because they care, but because they will have to listen to them whine afterwards. Even so, this friendship will come to an end if the “Me” friend wants something yours, like a promotion or a boyfriend. They have no regard and no boundaries when it comes to getting ahead at something, which includes elbowing yesterday’s friends. There is no way to deal with this type in a peaceful manner. They will refuse to understand you if you want to point out their mistakes or flaws. The best you can do to save yourself a trouble is avoid them and find new, better friends.

The Search for True Friendships

You may find parts of this article to be funny, untrue or stereotyping. You may have been blessed with true friendships and fake friends seem like something you don’t need to worry about. But not everyone has the chance to experience sincere relationships, because many people who walk the earth have ulterior motives. You can’t make people change and if they can’t see their own faults, nothing you say or do is going to make them a better person. That doesn’t mean that you have to sink with them. All you can do is protect yourself from exterior influences. The people who we spend our time with are making us who we are, whether we want it or not. We may start to copy their behavior when we see that life is giving them blessings, but that doesn’t make their demeanors acceptable. The best way to see which one of your friends is worth of your companionship is to think forward. Imagine yourself in 10 or 20 years and see which friend is most likely to stay in the picture. The rest of them are only temporary and will fleet with the first storm.

Self-Help People Humour Relationships


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