Sofas - An Informal Essay

I have a staunch fear of sofas. That might sound a bit sudden and ridiculous, but I have a good story which I shall relate to you in a moment, and although this may not be the best opening, you’ll have to excuse me. It’s just been very hard for me to think since I was crushed by a swivel chair.

One day as I was taking a walk down to the local Wall-M-Art, I looked down and noticed a strange object lying on the pavement. It was a peculiar little piece of fabric with an odd, indescribable colour. It had a tag barely hanging onto it saying, “Property of the Silver Turkey.”

“Why,” I thought to myself, “I know that place. The Silver Turkey is just down the road!” And off I went.

As I entered the door to the Silver Turkey I was greeted by a rather friendly clerk. “Hullo,” said he, “how can I help you?”

I then explained to him (his name tag read “BOB”) the fabric and how I found it, and asked him if he knew what to do with it.

“Ah, yes.” Bob replied, “You ought to see our manager, and he led me to a room.

All this must seem very peculiar to you by now, dear reader, and looking back on it I find it very odd myself. You see, the Sliver Turkey was a sort of furniture factory, and specialized in swivel chairs. Whyever it was called the Silver Turkey, I do not know.

As I looked into the room which I presume to be the manager's office, I noticed many sofas of all colours lying around, whether standing, on their sides, upside down, or whichever way, packed into the room.

“Who is it?” boomed the manager, with a deep, gravelly voice.

I feel that you should know good managers always boom when they speak, and this one was no different. No good English manager has ever been successful if he does not boom at his employees, because it drives a sense of fear into them. Because of this fear, they will never become disrespectful or disobedient. I am told that this works for children too, but I cannot find a loving family to try this on.

“Sir,” said Bob the clerk, “this man has found a piece of fabric which belongs to us.”

“Send him in,” the manager boomed.

As I walked in, I felt something hard and bumpy under my feet, and looking down, I discovered that the floor was made of gravel and pebbles. It had not a tile or carpet in sight! This was very strange, but then again, so was pretty much everything at the Silver Turkey.

“Have a seat,” the manager boomed at me, and I easily found an ottoman on which to sit.

“So,” the manager boomed, “you have found a piece of fabric that belongs here?”

“Yes sir,” I managed, a little flustered by my surroundings, and fished the fabric out my pockets.

“What colour is it?” he inquired (still booming).

“I cannot say.” I stated, after inspecting it briefly, “It's very odd.”

“Let me see it,” boomed the manager, and I mildly handed him the cloth.

“Say,” he boomed, adjusting his broad spectacles, “I know where this belongs.”

To my bewilderment, he whipped a needle and thread out of his pocket and swiftly sewed the fabric to a sofa on the far wall, of the exact same color.

“There,” he boomed with satisfaction, “that should be where it goes.” Then, turning to me, he continued, “That particular sofa is my favourite sofa out of all of these, because of its particular color. It is a marvelous green, with a little of purplish-gold and a dash of silver.”

I nodded, still a little bewildered.

“I would like to give you a reward,” he boomed, and he snapped his large fingers.

Immediately, a sofa was brought over by a number of staff.

“This is a lucky sofa,” boomed the manager, “In fact, it is the luckiest sofa in all of the Silver Turkey. You may have it, in thanks for the return of my fabric.”

Before I could fully comprehend this, the manager boomed, “Thank you!” and I was escorted out by the employees, with a lot of fumbling and shoving past the various sofas.

Outside of the building, I looked at the sofa I had just been given. It took me a moment to fully understand what had just happened, and I sat there stupidly for at least a minute. “Well,” I thought to myself, “if this truly is a lucky sofa, then I should be getting very lucky in a moment,” so I sat myself down and waited for my luck to happen.

As I was sitting, I thought to myself what sort of luck I would get. Maybe I would get a nice new car, or get promoted on my job, or even win the lottery! I really would have liked to win the lottery, and I was thinking about just that when suddenly a swivel chair came flying out of nowhere and crushed the living daylights out of me!

I threw away the couch, and I have had a fear of sofas (and swivel chairs) to this very day.


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