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Satoshi Nakamoto – The Search

I don't know what started me on my quest, nor do I fully understand the implications of it to this day. Yet, when I finally found THE Satoshi Nakamoto and began speaking with him I knew my life had changed forever.

Like Keyser Soze, the legendary - and imaginary - anti-hero of ''The Usual Suspects'', Satoshi Nakamoto was simply not there. If the Devil's greatest trick was to convince mankind he did not exist, then Satoshi's greatest trick was to first invent Bitcoin and then disappear from the face of the earth.

“And like that – poof, he's gone.”

To make matters even more complicated, I discovered that the name “Satoshi” is a very common first name in Japan, especially popular during the 60's and 70's, and that “Nakamoto” is almost the equivalent of the American “Smith”. So I knew my quest to find the enigmatic founder of the cryptocurrency revolution would be, to say the least, a challenge.

So here I was wandering the streets of innumerable small towns and villages in Japan, having exhausted the possibilities in Tokyo and all the other large cities. I had found, with the help of my translator, dozens of Satoshi Nakamotos; unfortunately they were all shoemakers, factory workers, salesmen and, on one memorable occasion, an octopus-in-a-cup vendor. I hoped that by narrowing my search to the more remote areas of the island I might find the real Satoshi hidden away from his adoring fans.

Theoretically my search should have been simple: find a man in his late 30's – early 40's who was a mathematical genius, having a common name and willfully hiding out among a nation of over 127 million fellow countrymen.

Piece of cake.

My quest took its toll on me over the months and years. I allowed my beard to grow to ZZ Top-proportions, my clothes became torn and tattered and my by-now bare feet gave me the appearance of an itinerant monk wandering from temple to temple. Perhaps it was this very appearance that caused the real Satoshi to let down his guard – I don't know. What I DO know is that our initial meeting was a surprise for me but a foregone conclusion for him.

It happened in the 3rd year and 7th month of my journey. I had lost my translator the previous year in the rugged terrain of Hokkaido when he was devoured by a ravenous brown bear, an encounter from which your humble narrator barely escaped with his own life. Having gained a new appreciation and respect for the native fauna and flora I pressed on with my search, now more determined than ever to bag the ultimate game – Satoshi Nakamoto.

Some people have speculated that Satoshi is not a single person, that he is instead a team of people. They point out that his landmark Bitcoin paper contained English of a type too perfect, and that the software he created was not documented in his native Japanese language. Two days before I found him there had been a large brouhaha in the international press concerning a gentleman living in California who supposedly admitted to being the founder of Bitcoin, but upon further questioning by authorities revealed that he had misunderstood the reporter's questions and thought she was referring to classified military work he had previously performed.

Little did they know that I was less than 48 hours away from the truth.

Over the past few years many have tried to ascertain Satoshi's true identity through more logical methods than mine: they have analyzed the time stamps of his posts on the bitcoin forum, they have speculated that his name is actually an acronym of Samsung, Toshiba, Nakamichi and Motorola, they have even pointed with some assurance at several individuals who operated as a group to create the Bitcoin protocol, but to date all of these efforts have failed.

Of course they have – I am the one that found him!

From my journal -

March 8, 2014 – Bokyonomisaki Park, extreme northeast end of Japan in Hokkaido Prefecture – 10:07PM

I believe I have found Satoshi Nakamoto at long last.


Walking through this beautiful park and gazing at the sea I stumbled over what at first I
perceived to be a mound of garbage. When the mound started moving and groaning I jumped
back, not quite sure what to make of this odd event. From amidst this smelly pile of 
discarded fish-heads and McDonald's Happy Meals arose a creature, which upon closer 
careful inspection proved to be a human being. This human proceeded to stand erect, wipe
off his dusty sleeves, vigorously rub his dirty face and ask me, in perfect English, if I
had a cigarette.


“I haven't smoked in 4 years” were Satoshi Nakamoto's first words to me.


Giving him one of my “Golden Bat” cigarettes and lighting it for him, he took the 
opportunity to enjoy that first long, slow drag, then burst into a prolonged coughing fit.
Flicking the almost-new butt onto the pile of garbage behind him he commented “That'll
teach me to pick up bad habits again. Thanks, mate – I'm Satoshi Nakamoto.”


I was speechless – here was Satoshi Nakamoto, at last! I had FOUND him! We walked the 
park until sunrise, he relating the entire chain of events that led up to his
“disappearance” (due, I discovered with a shock, to a “contract” put out on him by Mt.
Gox). He explained how he had indeed coded the entire Bitcoin-QT client on an old 
Hewlitt-Packard TC4200 tablet with a 40 Gb hard-drive and 1.86GHz processor over the
course of a few drunken weekends; how he had created the network of doppelgangers to 
deal with the publicity, and how he had finally decided, upon the receipt of the 
threat to his life, to just vanish into thin air.


He demonstrated how he was actually financially well-off by treating me to a big 
breakfast at the Hokkaido House of Flapjacks, after which, my interview with him 
finished, we parted ways, exchanging numbers on our cell phones and promising to 
keep in touch.

I plan to write up a full account of our meeting in the near future – for now I just wanted the world to know that Satoshi Nakamoto is alive and well and living in Japan.

Oh, and don't try to find him – I've taken an oath of secrecy as to his location, and anyway, as we were exchanging our goodbyes he was trotting toward his private jet.

Good luck, Satoshi – may the Golden Winds carry you wherever your heart desires.


Cryptocurrency | Bitcoin | Parody


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