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Questionable Advice for a Happy Life

Self help books are a dime a dozen these days, and everyone thinks that they know the secret to some aspect of life, be it love or power or fame or fortune. To this end, I have compiled a list of pieces of advice that anyone can follow, if they want to. These bits of advice are guaranteed to make your life happier, or less happy, or to have no effect. Individual results may vary, and neither I nor the Devtome community can be held responsible if any of this advice backfires on you. If it works out in your favor, however, I appreciate massive Devcoin tips. Without further ado, read on to learn ways to change your life for better or worse!

Goals

Everyone has goals in life, be they grand goals of world domination or modest desires to save enough money to buy a used tricycle from the local junkyard. What follows is a series of tips on how to maximize your returns on your goals, and how you can best go about pursuing them in a manner that is most likely to be successful.

Failure is Not An Option

You know that you are smarter than the average person. In fact, you are one of the smartest people you known, and you are just better than everyone else. Accordingly, you should be able to succeed where others have failed before you. You should be able to accomplish any goal that you set. If something goes wrong, then this means that it is your fault - you simply can not allow yourself to fail, because this would mean that you would have to admit that there are some things that you are not able to do. If there are some things that you are not able to do, then what is the point of trying to do anything? You should feel personally responsible for all of your failures, and you should be sure to wrack your brain with guilt over anything that you do not do perfectly, particularly on the first try. Only this state of constant guilt and self loathing can promote the mental state needed for you to be successful. Anything less would be a failure, and as we have said, failure is absolutely not an option that you can allow yourself to become accustomed to.

Shoot For the Stars

You hear this advice all the time - shoot for the stars. Or, more enigmatically, shoot for the moon; even if you miss you'll be sure to land among the stars. This latter phrase seems to undermine some of the basic physics of astronomy in the favor of inspiration. Most people assume that this phrase is an idiom that is intended to motivate individuals to achieve at their maximum level of potential without hesitation or inhibition. This is not the case. This is a literal piece of advice that is intended to improve personal success based on the ancient Mesopotamian concept of Herdot, literally “luck from the stars”. This ancient culture believed that the stars cold provide them with the means to be successful in their daily lives, and all they had to do was pin them down in order to force them to their will. This manifested as traditional festivals that involved throwing spears into the air on cloudless nights, with those throwing their spears nearest to the stars being believed to gain the most luck. While this ancient tradition may have died out with the rise of other civilizations, there is no reason you can't pay homage to your Mesopotamian roots. Grab a pistol, wander out onto the roof of your high rise apartment in the middle of the city, and shoot for the stars. You will be amazed at just how quickly luck is able to find you.

Dream Big

Think of the thing that you have wanted most in your life, that one goal that you would do nearly anything to obtain. Now forget about that goal, it is not worth your time. You can do better. No matter what it is that you were imagining, don't be satisfied by your own goals. Aspire to bigger and better things that are beyond anything you would have originally imagined. Did you want to find a woman to marry and have a child with? You can do better - find several wives and maintain a separate family for each day of the week, explaining to them that you are out of town on business when you are visiting your other families. Were you hoping to become a local city council member in order to have a positive impact on your local community? Shame on you for thinking so small. Instead, hire some black hat hackers to hack into the US voting system, and have your name written in on every ballot for US president. Aspire to greatness, and if you already aspire to greatness then aspire to an even greater level of greatness than you had already intended to aspire to.

Don't Stop Till You Get Enough

Once you achieve your ultimate goals, you may think that it is time to celebrate your victory and embrace the path in life you have chosen. This is patently absurd and completely false. There is never any time to stop your quest for newer and better goals. When you complete one goal, you should immediately switch all of your energy over to planning a way to accomplish your next even grander scheme. Never rest for a moment, as such rest is weakness and weakness leads to mediocrity. You can always be more successful, more powerful, and happier. Even if you feel happy at the moment, this is no excuse to stop trying to make yourself even happier and you should do all in your power to ensure that you continue in this venture. By never being satisfied you will convey your unquenchable drive to those around you, which will cause them to want to follow you and learn your secrets to success. If you slow down to smell the roses, then someone behind you will trample you and leave you in the dust so never stop to take the chance!

Everyday Tips

Big life changing tips are great for shaping the course of your life, but on a day to day basis you may not always be able to appreciate their impact or adhere to their tenets. To that end, what follows is a list of small scale tips and tricks that can improve your life without requiring you to shift all of your energy to creating a new goal or changing a fundamental aspect of your personality.

Cleaning House

Obviously it is important to keep your home clean in order to avoid spreading disease and discomfort to your family, however this is not always the case. Did you know that burglars are more likely to rob a clean house? Indeed, studies suggest that families with messy homes are richer, and while these studies have not confirmed that messiness causes wealth, you should hedge your bets and always leave a small pile of refuse on your floor to increase your cash reserves. If you do choose to begin cleaning, don't go overboard - bleach will clean too well, and should only be used for cleaning suits and spicing up food in the kitchen. Instead, rub down your floors and wash your clothes with whole (4%) milk. Because whole milk contains the FDA's recommended levels of daily protein and fat, it will leave your home goods stronger and shinier with each application. Be sure to allow the milk to soak in for several hours, and if the items being cleaned are mobile then move them into the sunlight or into a very warm area to maximize the improvement imparted to them by the milk. For added cleanliness, spray some fresh lemon or pineapple juice onto these freshly milked surfaces in order to change the milk proteins in a beneficial manner.

Avoiding Illness

Don't you hate getting sick? Sickness is a waste of time, not to mention a sign of weakness. Did you know that people who get sick are more likely to die someday than people who don't? It's true, probably. Fortunately, there are some secret tricks that doctors don't want you to know about that will prevent you from ever getting sick. The main trick is to never take any medication no matter what. Sure, pharmacists may tell you that a drug will cure you of your moribund bacterial pneumonia, but in reality the condition is all in your head, and the drugs will only work because you think they are working. Scientists have known for millennia that force of will is far better than any pharmacological intervention, and as such it is important that you dispense with medication entirely. If you feel the need to take something for your malignant tumor, don't worry, there is a miracle cure for anything that ails you - raw eggs. Raw eggs are rich in protein and antibacterial enzymes, as is evident by the fact that flu vaccines are made using eggs every day. In order to gain the intended effect, beat several raw eggs together in a bowl and then apply them to the afflicted part of your body. In no time at all, you'll be feeling much better and you'll have only yourself to thank!

Car Maintenance

Your car is the most important thing you own, and is likely more important to you than any relationship in our life. Studies suggest that people would choose their car over their significant other in certain circumstances, so it is clear that you should provide your car with every advantage to assure that it is in the best shape possible. Change the oil at least once a week to make sure the engine is always purring like a young kitten. When you get your oil changed, shell out the extra money to have the garage workers do a full inspection of your car and be sure to follow all the recommendations they give you for ways to fix up your car. Is your driving belt cracked? Get it fixed soon, or it cold snap and cause your car to explode or something. Are the air filters in your car getting a bit dirty? You need air to breathe, and that alone is worth the $100 they will end up costing you. Are your air filters dirty again even though you just changed them last week? Well, it's a good thing you brought your car into the shop again this week or who knows what you might have ended up breathing! Remember that mechanics are the most honest people in the world, and you need to trust their expertise at every venture. Your car is worth any expense!

Rules of the Road

Speaking of cars, it is essential that all drivers observe a unified set of criteria for how they conduct themselves when they are driving on the public roads in order to assure that there is order rather than chaos on city streets. To this end, be sure to avoid turning on your turn signal when ever you plan to change your car's current heading. Turn signals can alert disreputable individuals that might want to follow you as to where you are going, allowing them to track you down and rob you. It's best to keep your intentions uncertain so that other drivers never underestimate you. If you need to merge lanes on the highway, remember that space is precious and you need to avoid wasting any of it. To do this, make sure that you merge into a lane so that you are as close to the surrounding cars as possible. If there is more than 1 or 2 inches between your bumper and theirs then you are wasting space and endangering the efficiency of the public highway system as a result. Also, remember that stop signs apply to other drivers but not to you. You have more important things to do and you can't afford the few seconds it would take for you to stop, so drive right on through! Honk your horn any time another car comes near you in order to assert your dominance. If you follow all these rules then in no time other cars will embrace your presence on the road.

Taking Advice

Always remember that other people know more than you do about everything, so you should be sure to take their advice on anything. The best place to find valuable advice is on the internet, where literally anyone can portray themselves as an expert on literally anything. For example, I am an expert on cancer, and you have it so you should probably get that taken care of. Online wikis that are proofread for grammar but not for content are another source of valuable insights into the ways you should live your life, and you should make sure to never do anything without consulting them as a result. Other valuable sources of information and advice come from news commentators and talk show hosts, who will always be sure to let you know how you should feel about a specific situation. If the president has rolled out a new economic stimulus package, rather than analyze the package yourself, turn to any number of pundits and let them tell you if the package is a good thing or a bad thing. They all you need to do is parrot the opinions they tell you to others and it will be clear that you are an expert that really knows what they are talking about. If a random guy on the radio tells you he knows a doctor, you should probably buy the magic weight loss drug he is peddling. Who needs FDA testing anyway? You can always rely on the kindness of strangers!

Relationships

Relationships of a romantic nature are an opportunity for you to assert your dominance over another person. If someone has chosen to be in a romantic relationship with you, then it is absolutely necessary that you demonstrate to them that you are superior to them in everything that you do. If you go out to dinner, you must pay in order to clarify that you are the real money earner in the relationship - your partner is just a thankless individual along for the ride. In front of your friends, be sure to talk down to your partner so that everyone realizes who is in charge in the relationship. Your assertion of dominance will make it clear to everyone just what sort of person you are, and they will respect you for knowing what you want. For that matter, always explain to your partner that their interests are not important. Their hobbies are trivial, not like yours. Tell your partner that they need to care about what you care about (but be clear that you do not need to care about what they care about, and really they should not be caring about anything anyway). Relationships are not two way streets, they are one way roads with a dead end and you can't be the one holding the yield sign.


Self-Help | Comedy


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