(page currently under heavy construction)

Originally started by Barnacle_Ed on March 22, 2009 and completed on June 19, 2009 at the [url=http://forums.kingdomofloathing.com/vb/showthread.php?t=170613 Kingdom of Loathing forums]. This was the first QtE in over a year to successfully finish. Listed as “original content” since it was written by Ed instead of some outside source.


QTE XXIV: The Creator's Insanity.

Somewhere out in the multiverse, a benevolent Creator once brought a new world into being. Working diligently, yet lovingly, he brought life into a plethora of creatures to populate his new world. They lived in peace and harmony, honoring the deity which made them while still advancing in leaps and bounds technologically. It was a veritable utopia.

Well, until the space-time continuum fluxed from a previous QTE spawned a chaotic warp storm which completely annihilated the planet and its inhabitants. Consumed with its grief and contaminated by the chaotic resonance, the Creator effectively lost it's equivalent of a mind and lost the ability of rational thought. Deciding that the competitors of these “Quest To Escape” contests are to blame for its misfortune, it has decided to exact its revenge upon the multiverse by hosting it's own contest and tormenting the fighters.

And now it has sent a call across the universes calling for sixteen of the best fighters in the multiverse, promising lavish rewards and the promise of glory. But little do these warriors realize that they will soon be the playthings of a maddened Creator, its infinite power no longer restrained by infinite understanding…

THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT'S RIGHT KIDS! It's QTE time once again, this time with half the logic and twice the fun. Here's all you need to enter:

Character Requirements

Name: Everyone and everything is called something. What do you want to be known by in this tournament?

Weapon: Your primary weapon. Examples: claws, lazers, rubber chickens, swords, an IRON FIST, etc etc etc.

Armor: Any and all physical objects that keep enemies' weapons out of your puny mortal flesh. Examples: fur, boxer shorts, invisibility cloak, etc etc etc.

Familiar: Anything and anyone that fights alongside you. Can also be a vehicle if you so wish. Example: a talking parrot, an FBI agent, a dishwasher with a rocket engine strapped to the back, etc etc etc. Offensive Abilities: By and large, you'll be fighting by mundane attacks. However, all fighters have some signature moves they use in battle. You should have at least one offensive and one defensive move. You may have up to 5 total abilities (ie: 3 offensive and 2 defensive moves).

Defensive Abilities: Offensive abilities are used to dish the pain out. Defensive moves are used to keep your sorry ass alive. Again, you should have at least 1. If these abilities have a negative effect associated with them (see sample sheet) then they will have a stronger positive effect to compensate.

Finishing Move: Your powerful OMGWTFBBQ ability of doom. Severely drains your character, but can seriously turn the tide of a fight. You get one and it may be offensive or defensive (indicate, once again). Stage: What is your character's preferred environment to fight in? This could be related to your character's backstory if you so wish.

Backstory/Description: Be creative as you like, but try not to go TOO overboard. A paragraph or two at the absolute most will be more than enough. As a bare minimum, answer who you are, how you ended up being picked for the contest, and throw in a quick physical character description.

Sample Character

Name: Little Jimmy Smith

Weapon: A 1.5-foot-long stick. With a couple twigs on it.

Armor: Shorts, t-shirt, folded up newspaper used as a hat.

Familiar: A little red wagon he rides around in.

Offensive abilities:

1) Pin The Blame: Jimmy attacks his opponent's familiar, then blames it on his opponent in hopes that they fight one another. If the opponent's familiar is a vehicle, then the vehicle will not work for a period of time.

2) MOMMY!: Jimmy calls for his mother, who beats the snot out of his opponent. Takes longer to work if not in Jimmy's stage.

Defensive abilities:

1) I'm Telling!: Under the threat of telling a higher authority, Jimmy can keep an enemy from attacking him for a short time. At the very least, it'll confuse his opponent. Hopefully.

2) Annoying Little Bastard: Jimmy's naturally annoying demeanor causes his opponents to become frustrated, increasing their likelihood to miss on attacks.

3) Childhood Innocence: “I didn't do it!” cries Jimmy, wailing his little head off as tears run down his cheeks. As the opponent watches, he feels pity and decides not to kill the poor little kid.

Finishing move: Shin Kick: Jimmy kicks his opponent in the shins (or whatever looks like shins, when not applicable) causing them massive pain and/or humiliation. Which his opponent never lives down.

Stage: The Innocent Suburbia Front Yard

Backstory/Description: Jimmy is a 5-year old kid who was playing in front of his home when a dimensional rift pulled him into the QTE tournament. Probably by some freak mistake. He stands about 3 feet 8 inches tall with blond hair, green eyes, and an aura of childhood impishness that you usually only see in cartoons and such.

The Characters


Name: Kiera

Weapon: A short sword. Excellent quality, and she knows how to use it.

Armor: Simple, sturdy clothing, made of layered leather. Nothing much, but at least she's not naked. Sturdy boots that are slip-resistant.

Familiar: Útgarða-Loki's horn. A never-ending source of water, she uses this to ease the cost of her Hydromancy. It is used to provide water for anything but ice-based moves, as ocean water is ill-suited to that. Kiera got it from an alchemist, who introduced it to her only as “a never-ending source of water”, and seemed all too ready to part with it, probably fearful of the giant's wrath.

Offensive Abilities:

  • Flood - Kiera floods the area with water, making the ground slippery and keeping her opponent off balance. She parts the water below her feet in order to prevent herself from being affected.
    • RAPID COMBO - See: Defensive Abilities: Rushing Rapids
  • Cold Feet - Similar to Flood, but she concentrates the water at the opponent's feet, then freezes it, immobilizing them. It's not like a pair of cement shoes, it branches out, like tree roots, so the ice is buried into the ground. Unless they find a way to break or melt the ice, it's not coming off.
  • Water on the Knee - Contrary to the name, it can be directed anywhere. Kiera shoots out a concentrated burst of water. If she wraps it around a body part [say, an arm, or possibly even a knee (SO UNEXPECTED)], she can compact it tight enough to crush bone. She can also simply send it out as a blast, frozen ice or boiling water. The result of a simple blast is like being hit by a ball of steel. If it is frozen as ice, it can shater, becoming piercing spikes.

She can also give a mean fucking kick.

Defensive Abilities:

  • Rushing Rapids - Creates a thick sheet of water in front of her. The water rushes extremely fast, and can easily deflect a sword slash, slow (only slightly, though) bullets, etc. While it may not make the attack miss completely, it's almost guaranteed to deflect it to not hit where they wanted it to.
    • She can turn this into a counterattack, and launch the wall into her opponent after the attack is stopped. This may knock them over, or at least stun the opponent. If she's feeling particularly vicious, she can freeze the water, and either make them suffocate to death, or simply bind their arms and legs.

Finishing Move: Wetad - Kiera creates a pillar of water, ten feet thick, and engulfs her opponent in it. As the water spins, disorienting her opponent, she compacts it, the pressure making it nigh impossible to move. As the water compacts more and more, it eventually bursts into a tree shape, with individual leaves, branches, etc. Kiera then crystallizes it, making a solid piece of ice. Her opponent is crushed, frozen to death, drowned, and suffocated. Not to mention the water damage in their brain.

The tree itself is actually incredibly detailed. It resembles perfectly the tree where her mother's ashes were found. Her mother had been incinerated by a careless Aeromancer, chasing some stupid butterfly or something. Every leaf is veined in a different way, and each branch is unique, the bark is uneven. An exact replica of what watched over her mother's remains.

Kiera needs a rest period of one match before she can use this attack a second time.

Stage: The main room of a temple, with a line of pillars on either side, and an altar at the head. The church has an abundance of fountains, pools, etc., and it is all holy water, something Kiera cannot simply produce. Fighting an unholy creature, this could be a valuable resource. The room itself is about 14x14x17 feet, so it offers a decent amount of freedom of movement, but nowhere to run.

Backstory/Description: A self-trained Hydromancer, she discovered many applications of her magic that were unknown to her colleagues. She has complete and utter control over her art. Nothing is beyond her. She was on a mission to find her father before she entered this tournament.

Dark brown hair, reaches armpits; light brown eyes, lack depth, maintain a controlled appearance, if she is thinking they sometimes feel as if they are looking past you but everyone learns that's not the case; white skin tone; 5'10“

Victor E. Dance (AKA: The Blue Bomber)

Name: Victor E. Dance, nicknamed “The Blue Bomber”

Weapon: Magic energy glove thingies, colored blue. Not dark blue or light blue, a neutral-ish blue. With them, Victor can shoot out small and weak energy blasts, however he can shoot them out at a very rapid pace with ease, thus making up for their weak power.

Armor: For the most part, typical, regular clothing, all colored neutral blue (sans his normal white socks). You know, shirt, pants, shoes, ect. ect. The only exception is the fact that the dude always wears a cape.

Familiar: A curious little magical orb which Victor named Awesome (named after Victor's first word when he saw the thing) that follows him around. Normally, it occasionally shoots a few small balls of energy similiar to Victor's regular attack. But, at Victor's command, it can, for a short while, fuse with his gloves, permitting him to do special attacks.

Offensive Abilities: Burn Baby, Burn!: After a few seconds of charging, Victor releases a blast of fire from his gloves, a blast more powerful than his regular attack.

Behold the God of Thunder!: After a few seconds of charging, he releases a blast of thunder that covers a very wide range. While most of the blast stays away from Victor, there's always the stray lightning that comes and hits him, meaning he always takes a little bit of damage from doing this.

You Have the Touch, You Have the Power!: His only ability that can be done instantanously, he brings his familiar Awesome into his gloves and, with a simple touch to the opponent, he can directly inject a little of his energy beam thingy into it, usually causing it a few seconds of spasms, or something of the like. Naturally, it becomes less and less effective each time it is used.

Defensive Abilities: Ice, Ice, Baby!: With a short few second charge, Victor can create a wall of ice. The wall itself can block attacks, but it's always conviently made so that Victor can push it and cause it to slide, which is good for forcing an opponent away from him.

Boing!: Another move that requires him to temporarily bring Awesome to his gloves, with a few second charge, he can shoot the ground with so much force that it propels him up fairly high. Not only good for a get-away move, but he can also shoot regular shots while raising and falling.

Finishing Move (Offensive): I'ma Firin' Mah Lasarz!: A move so freakin' great it, of course, requires Awesome to be in Victor's gloves. At first, it seems similiar to “Boing!” in that it requires a charge and Victor goes up into the sky. However, A. It requires twice the time to charge, and B. Rather than a single blast that shoots him straight up into the air, he shoots out two (one per glove) streams of lazers that gradually send himself upwards. By using the power of physics, he can aim the lazers to move himself while he's in the air. Also, he can use the lazers to hit his foes. A very nasty thing to get hit by. Of course, once the energy runs out, he falls to the ground, somehow unharmed.

Stage: Glitch Land: Don't pretend to ever understand this place. All that's really known about it is that Victor was able to fund it's construction with a good portion of all the money he's ever made. The floor flickers, platforms come and go all the time (some which aren't really there; I.E. you go right through them), the entire arena changes colors once in a while, tuna fish might rain down, ect. ect.; the only thing that doesn't act strangly is the contenders, what they are equipped with, and their familiars. Like I said, don't pretend to understand how it works; just know that it's gonna be “fun” fighting there.

Backstory/Description: A geeky boy originally from the planet Earth which, due to a very strange series of events that nobody can explain, ended up in a planet filled with magic. Seeing evil everywhere, his video game filled mind caused him to do what he could to be a hero. He originally planned to model himself after one of his favorite video game characters, but that didn't quite work out. He got close enough to one, though, so he went with that, knowing that nobody here would know that his nickname wasn't perfectly accurate anyways.

Valhallen, the God of Rock and Roll

Name: Valhallen, god of rock and roll

Weapon: The Axe, a magical thunder rock flying V guitar that is the source of Valhallen's awesome powers of rock. Its noise is so great, it can shatter lightbulbs from up to three yards away.

Armor: Black clothes adorn this awesome character. None shall live and not think those golden yellow boots rock the socks that reside in them.

Familiar: Major Glory and Krunk. Respectively, a freaky American that can fly, and a really strong and cute purple dude. With the three of them, they form The Justice Friends. When in this form, they can accomplish nothing in particular.

Offensive Abilities: -Fucking Loud Noise: “Oh man, tune it down. Know what? Fuck you, man. Fuck you.” - With a single stroke on The Axe, Valhallen can make anyone's ears bleed in the awesome pain that is rock and roll. -CLUNK: “Oh, fuck, that's going to bruise.” - Valhallen swings The Axe enemywards, resulting in owwie.

Defensive Abilities: -Good looks: “Dude, nice crowny thing!” - “Yeah, man. Yeah.” - Like a hobo when confronted with a six pack, any attackers will stare at Valhallen's good looks and promptly perform their strongest deficit of attack.

Finishing Move: Wild Static Headbang Axe Flail Combo II BREAKER: After statically charging The Axe by swinging his tremendously long hair to and fro, Valhallen flails wildly on his guitar, and, through some magic unknown, the target is electrocuted. With awesomeness and vigour.

Stage: Valhallen's Room: MESS, EVERYWHERE. Weird garments and broken hairbrushes litter the room, trapping and being stepped on by any who come across it, respectively.


'nuff said.


Name: Shin

Weapon: He requires no weapon. Only his fists of fury and his super battle aura to give him power.

Armor: Just a blue dress pant and coat combo with a gold belt on the outside of the coat. He does wear a pair of red shoulder guards with this as well but they are mostly for show.

Familiar: One of his many loyal minions. Only there to detain his opponent to finish them off.

Offensive Abilities:

  • I claw you!: Shin focuses his super battle aura into his fingers and actually claws his opponents torso in an upper-cut fashion with his aura claws.
  • My hand goes in you: Shin grabs his opponent by the throat and physically sticks his hand into their gut.
  • I punch the ground!: Shin actually punches the ground near his opponent and his super battle aura goes into the ground and pops right back out at an angle hitting them.

Defensive Abilities:

  • I won't die by you!: Used as a final desperation move by shin, he actually kills himself instead of letting himself be killed by the opponent.
  • Let us joust in the air.: Shin actually jumps in the air and stays there by some strange means simply to fight his opponent while up there.

Finishing Move (Offensive): Lets see how many pokes it takes for you to die: In this move, Shin hits his opponent away from him, then actually calls on his minion (or minions if there are any others around) to hold his opponent and watch as he simply pokes them. These aren't powerful or painful in any way. Just simple pokes. That is until the opponent's chest sprays blood from a poke. It doesn't even have to come from the place he poked them. They just spray blood and die.

Stage: the post-apocalyptic wasteland: This is a desert. Plain and simple. It isn't very hot or very sandy though. It just has lots of loose dirt and some wind blowing. Shin has minions here but most of them don't bother to act unless told to.

Backstory/Description: Shin was one of many people to live in this post-apocalyptic wasteland of earth. It came to be this way after a large scale nuclear war. He decided to try and conquer the world and to do so, he amassed a large grouping of minions, trained on how to kill people simply by touching them and lusting after his oppositions wife. That is until his opposition came after him. Of course before the opposition could reach him, he was teleported away to here…

Bartholomew Adolphus Darien Lucifer Urser Claudius Kevin (AKA: Bad Luck)

Name: Bartholomew Adolphus Darien Lucifer Urser Claudius Kevin, AKA, Bad Luck

Weapon: A small Walter PPK in his inside jacket pocket, and a Fairbairn-Sykes dagger in his hip pocket. He doesn't fight using fisticuffs much, preferring to use his powers.

Armor: No armor. He wears a well-cut tuxedo, white gloves, a Trilby hat, and shiny black dress shoes.

Familiar: A black cat (named Ranger) that shows up when it feels like it. Bad Luck can call him, and he will show up. He is linked to the cat through the ring he wears. If the cat crosses an opponent's path, nasty things will happen to them.

Offensive skills:

1. Crossing the Line. Bad Luck focuses on his cat ring, and draws a invisible line in front of his opponent. The line extends down under the ground, high in the air and far off to each side. If the opponent crosses the line, they will get disoriented and explosively sick.

2. Annoyances. Bad Luck focuses on his ladder ring, and tents his hands. A small amount of really annoying things happen to the opponent all at once. e.g. shoelaces tie together, belt loosens and pants fall down, sword falls out of sheath, bullets fall out of gun, and so on. Nothing major, just embarrassing, and takes a few seconds to fix. Not always reliable.

3. Happenstance. Bad Luck grabs the pendent he wears, and fires a bolt of pure bad luck at his enemy. The bolt is damaging and corrosive to mortals, and has lasting nasty effects.

Defensive skills:

1. Just the Luck! Bad Luck teleports out of the way at the opportune moment.

2. Backfire. A shot or blow aimed at Bad Luck will misfire, malfunction, or just plain miss. It has a great chance of hitting the opponent or hindering it in some way. Yes, backfire can also backfire. Oh irony.

Finishing move: Bloody Lunatic. Using his powers, Bad Luck brings his opponent to the ground. Bad Luck waits for him to get up. When the enemy does, Bad Luck pulls his pistol and kneecaps him, and shoots out their shoulders. He then calmly walks over and slits their throat with his dagger.

Stage: An empty street in Oxford. There are no cars, parked or otherwise. There are ladders set up here and there. On top of the ladders are bags of salt. All the windows have become mirrors. The sideways are badly cracked.

Description: A tall, refined gentleman, wearing a well-cut tuxedo; the white shirt is marred with a wine spot that just won't come out. He is also wearing a Trilby hat, and white gloves. Around his neck he wears a silver necklace with a charm that has the roman numbers for “13” (XIII) on it, surrounded by three three-leaf clovers. On his fingers there are two rings, both silver (one on each index finger). One is formed like a black cat, and the other is shaped like a circular ladder.

Backstory: Hailing from Oxford, England, Bad Luck is impeccably mannered, charming, dashing, and witty. Or he would be. In reality, he is cold and sarcastic, cynical, and pessimistic. The years of being the avatar of Lady Luck's bad side has jaded him.

He was sent to the tournament by the order of Lady Luck, in order to punish those who take her for granted–like 15 of the best warriors in the universe….


Name: Summit

Weapon: Maul Hammer

Armor: Heavy winter coat with iron armor underneath.

Familiar: Frosty, a living golem made of hard snow and ice.

Offensive Abilities:

  • Snowball: With the power over snow and ice, Summit is able to create freezing bullets of snow of any size to chill and slow his opponent.
  • Ice Spear: Summit can create a strong, sharp spear made of hard ice, either to use as a second hand weapon or a thrown javelin.
  • Artic Wind: Summit is able to use the Artic winds to project himself forward to make quicker attacks.

Defensive Abilities:

  • Ice Wall: Able to make a large wall of thick ice to defend against attacks until the wall until it's destroyed.
  • Mist: A cool cloud that covered the playing field, it limits the opponents vision and slows them down unless they are bundled up.

Finishing Move: Ice Storm: Summit summons a catastrophic blizzard, filled with blinding snow, large damaging hail, and bitter winds.

Stage: Raja Mountains

Backstory/Description: At a young age it was told to his family by the clan elder that this boy would live his life in the mountains. That he would train in the cold elements and eventually control them. Only once every thousand years is a child chosen to take this path.

Summit was sent into the mountains beyond his village at the age of 12. He learned to survive the elements first, while later crafting his power of cold. At age 14 he was able to shape snow and ice into simple forms. And by 18 he could create familiars out of snow and ice. By 21 he was able to create storms and winds, which by then he was master of the mountain. He know that once his skills were mastered, it was time to prove himself to the outside world.

James O'Kennig (AKA: The Hound of Steel and Blood)

Name: James O'Kennig, aka The Hound of Steel and Blood

Weapon/Familiar: A spear, crafted from the bone of a sea-monster, tipped with a spearhead crafted from faerie metal. Though treated for the most part like a simple weapon, the item itself is actually fully sentient and is capable of movement on its own, allowing for fast reactions in attacks and parries. Also carries a longsword and five throwing spears.

Armor: Leather armor, ornately covered with Celtic knots and symbolism, more worried about range and silence of movement rather than protection. That's what parrying is for.

Offensive Abilities:

Storm of Steel - Harnessing the speed and will of the spear, James slashes in a cone infront of him faster than most eyes can follow, delivering a flurry of attacks. The attacks do not deal very much damage, but when compounded with the sheer number and difficulty to dodge all of them, the damage adds up.

Curse of Steel - Harnessing the latent fey magic in his spear, the Hound can make attacks against his opponent's luck when he strikes them rather than their actual body. Minor damage would give colds or your wallet being in the pair of pants back home, larger damage much more significant.

Reqieum of Steel - Drawing on the magick of the faeries that crafted the spear he wields, James pulls a prank worthy of the fey, targeting a small area and unleashing gremlins to fiddle technology within it. Guns stop working, electric lights flash out, and televisions and radios simply produce static.

Defensive Abilities:

Horse of Steel - After a moment of building up, James hurls the spear forward, landing atop it as it is thrown and riding it like a surf board. His speed greatly increasing in the air, and a few variants exist of this technique, including one allowing him to dangle precariously from the spear as it flies.

Bulwark of Steel - At the expense of causing him to give ground and a lack of being able to attack, James and his spear concentrate on parrying incoming attacks, the lance moving impossibly fast to catch and block incoming attacks.

Finishing Move:

Your [Spear] Will Pierce the [Heart] - With a cry to gods long dead, The Hound of Steel and Blood draws his lance, and the world seems to quite. Rushing forward, he makes a single thrust. The blade lurches forward an an unlikely angle, the haft of the spear bending impossibly. No matter the input, the outcome is the same; the spear impaling the target. The faerie magick that makes this possible is drained just as much as the Hound as it rewrites cause and effect to place the spear in its enemy's heart. Deeply weakens the spear, turning it into a mundane lance for a while, limiting the effect of his abilities and making Curse of Steel and Horse of Steel completely impossible.


The Barrow Crossing - A river ford, which operates under the rules of single melee combat. On either side of the ford, the river sinks deeply down, the current hazardous on the downstream side. Pike and more menacing aquatic life in both sides of the water.

Backstory: James was inducted into the old ways of Earth by his now-deceased uncle, educated in the Old Tongue, the Old Faith, and the combat arts that his ancestors practiced. After his uncle died and he came into possession of the magicked spear he carries with him, he set out to redeem what sections of the world he could back to the Old Ways. Now that he has been called to the tourney, he fights happily, relishing in the challenge. Not that he'd give away the fact he thinks it a challenge.

Description: 6 foot 1 inch, 195 lbs. James has chestnut brown hair, pulled back into a messy ponytail, his beard ratty and simply coming from not shaving for an extended period of time. Bright hazel eyes, generally glinting and mated with an arrogant grin. His posture shows his cockiness even before he speaks. The only times he is serious is during a fight, and even then, only when he thinks he might lose.

William Treacher

Name: William Treacher, The Mad Preacher

Weapon: Throwing knives. Treacher carries a large number of them on his person at all times. The handle of each is a cross.

Armor: The vestments of the priesthood, is his attire. God, is his armor.

Familiar: The hand of God, the wicked and sinful shall tremble before it's holy might.

Offensive Abilities:

Sermon - Treacher distracts the wicked sinners with a long sermon about various vile things and the such and commands them to repent. While they think about repenting, he throws a knife or two at them.

Holy Water - Treacher throws holy water into the eyes of the blasphemers, which burns like a motherfucker.

Bible Thumper - Treacher throws an explosive bible at the none believers.

Defensive Abilities:

Holy Light - A blinding flash of holy lights stuns the dirty sinners for a short time.

And God Protect Me - A protective holy aura envelopes Treacher.

Finishing Move:

Rain of Fire and Brimstone - Then the LORD made burning sulfur and fire rain out of Heaven against those that dare stand against the righteousness of Treacher.

Stage: Church

Backstory/Description: William Treacher appears tall and lanky, self-righteous, but physically none threatening. He is anything but, a sleeper agent for a secret organization, William Treacher was trained how to kill from birth. It was really all he knew and he did it without feeling or remorse. That is until he saw the light.

He was ordered to infiltrate a church, assume the role of a priest and await further orders. Presumably a target of some nature would be attending the church in the future. One night however, God spoke to him and commanded him to give up killing in the name of this organization. Instead, God wanted him to kill in the name of God, sending the righteous to Heaven and the damned to Hell. He took to the calling like the mad man that he is.

God has sent him to this tournament, to punish the wicked.

The Black Hat

Name: The Black Hat

Weapon: Revolvers, each with six shots. He also carries the badges of sheriffs and deputies he's killed, sharpened to be used as shuriken.

Armor: Black cowboy hat, leather vest, white shirt, blues jeans, black leather chaps.

Familiar: Three-headed fire-breathing horse.

Offensive Abilities:

  • Hellshot- his bullet carries the fury of hell, and sets his enemy ablaze with a fire that can only be doused by holy water. If they have not yet been put out, the fires subside the next dawn or dusk.
  • Hail of bullets- By firing a single bullet into the air, Black Hat can cause a hailstorm of bullets to fall, pelting his enemies.
  • Devil Bullet- Black Hat fires a malicious, intelligent bullet that follows his foe.

Defensive Abilities:

  • Countershot- Black Hat can shoot incoming bullets out of the air. Unforunately, this ability require sto much concentration to use against large numbers of bullets moving towards him.
  • Smoking Devil- Black Hat fires a shot that create a cloud of smoke, making it difficult for enemies to hit him.

Finishing Move: 6-6-6 Shooters- Black Hat grows a third arm out of his back, holding another revolver. He fires six shots from each, and each bullet becomes a furious hellhound.

Stage: Deserts and plains

Backstory/Description: A cattle thief chased by lawmen into the desert. He evaded his pursuers, but came to the brink of death by thirst. As he lay waiting for his end, he was approached by a demon which offered him the chance to keep living if he would merge with it, giving the demon a physical body. He did so, and became a demon-outlaw haunting the empty spaces in the West. He began to take sport in killing any lawmen who strayed too into the wastelands in pursuit of a criminal. This has become too easy for him, and he is now seeking out greater sport in the tournament.

He is 6' 6.6” tall, with black hair, green eyes, and olive skin. His teeth seem far to pointed for a person, and his tongue is forked.

Darren Jones

Name: Darren Jones

Weapon: Razor-sharp wit. And a dirk. Armor: School boy uniform.

Familiar: N/A

Offensive Abilities:

  • Fat joke: This is perfect for making your opponent feel insecure about their weight.
  • Yo Mama: Overused jokes, but with a new twist. They're original! These will leave your opponent stunned for a short while.

Stab: Stab.

Defensive Abilities:

  • Snappy Comeback: Use to derail opponents train of thought to get away.
  • Steel Pocket-protector: Your school-issued pocket protector magically turns into some impenetrable object for a short while.

Finishing Move: Wicked Mad Burn: An epic burn that is sure to have your opponent in need of some ointment. Oh, and throatstab.

Stage: His school hallways. Backstory/Description: Darren Jones is a shorter than average(about 5 foot) schoolboy of 13. Always being picked on because of his height, he had to develop a way to fight back. Because of his wimpy frame, he decided to go the mental route, and chose to fight with words. He has been known to make the biggest bullies go running for their mommas, and win the school talent show with his stand up routine.

He is white, around 5 foot tall, has short curly brown hair, a big head, and baby blue eyes.


Name: Spambot the Spam Robot

Weapon: razor sharp spinning can lids instead of hands

Armor: He's a robot! though he does have titanium casing and some spare parts…

Familiar: a magic, floating, talking chicken named George. He, being a chicken, cannot actually fly, but, being magic, can in fact float, and very quickly at that.

Offensive attacks:

  • Flaming Spam: he can rain down the fury of flaming spam from the sky upon his opponents.
  • A thousand Festering Wounds: using his infinite store of Spam, he can cut his opponent repeatedly with the razor sharp metal cans and the wounds will be infected, inflicting damage over time.
  • Henpecked: Sick George on the opponent to chase them around and peck them incessantly, while simultaneously nagging them about their biggest insecurities.

Defensive Attacks:

  • Food poisoning: feeds opponents rotten Spam which causes horrible indigestion and food poisoning.
  • Wall of Spam: stacks up an unimaginably large number of cans of Spam that acts as a temporary barrier against all attacks.

Finishing Move: Spam and Eggs: switches out his razor-can-lid-hands for frying-pan-hands, he starts frying up mass quantities of Spam and Eggs which the opponent cannot help eating until they explode from the deliciousness!

Stage: A fiery ring suspended above a volcano in Hawaii.

Background: He was created by a Hawaiian mad scientist many years ago, and long after his masters death and a stint at a Hawaiian fast food restaurant, he wound his way throughout the world until he stumbled through a rip in the space time continuum. George appeared beside him in a puff of logic, and has been following him since.

Description: he is a robot made entirely of titanium enforced cans of Spam, with a storage compartment for his extra parts, and he is nuclear powered. George is golden brown(and delicious) and slightly larger than a normal chicken; he is immortal, but not invincible.


Name: Morph

Weapon: Yeah… Kind of hard… Fangs, Tail, Claws, whatever. For example: Can be a cat and therefore have the cats claws, or be some other species except have cat claws.

Armor: Again, depends


Offensive Abilities:

Mind talk: Can speak to any creature through their mind and control them at will, can do this with multiple creatures at once, for assistants,or creatures that happen to be there, this is extraordinarily easy, for actual characters it is harder, Morph can still move and act normally while doing this.

Morph: changes into a creature to fight as, or just takes on their properties, can also become the character he is fighting, having their powers when he does so.

Defensive Abilities:

Reflexes: Moving almost as fast as sound, morph dodges the attack.

Camouflage: Takes the properties of a chameleon and blends in with the back round, making himself invisible.

Turtle shell: His body becomes as hard as a turtle shell making it almost impossible to hurt.

Finishing Move: Dragon: Morph transforms into a black dragon, and completely annihilates his opponent.

Stage: It's a large area that changes it's field every couple of minutes. Sometimes it is a forest, ocean, plain, mountains, and sometimes it is a weird combination of them all. There are often many animals in the arena, which Morph can use to his advantage.

Edit: Think of the pokemon stages in brawl.

Backstory/Description: Morph is a creature who has no “race” he is whatever he wants to be, he is not human most of the time, most of the time he is, again, whatever he wants to be. Morph is a shapeshifter, he does not know how he was born or what he looked like when he was born. (he can also just have the properties of different species, usually this is in human form.)

Johnathan "Merry" Merrill

Name: Johnathan “Merry” Merrill, Jester

Weapon: A long rod with a sack on one end, tied with a string. The other end is slightly pointed.

Armor: A light cloak, adorned with various grisly animal parts - donkey tails, cockscombs, etc. A light t-shirt of red and blue, accented by oppositely colored tights. A black fool's cap, with silver bells.

Familiar: Setup and Punchline, the two headed parrot. As their name suggests, Punchline starts jokes, and Setup finishes them. Usually while tearing something's eyes out.

Offensive Abilities:

  • Biting Wit - John makes a joke or pulls a skit that's incredibly hilarious. On what most certainly is unrelated, an invisible force bites down upon his enemies shortly after.
  • Personal Insult - John cracks a joke that's not so much funny as incredibly hurtful. Literally.
  • Well-Timed - For most opponents, this amounts to a kick to the groin, but really, in combat, John's first resort is a cheapshot wherever he can get in.

Defensive Abilities:

  • Acrobatics - Using simple, beautiful acrobatic grace, John easily dodges his foe's attacks.
  • Pratfall - Using a simple, hilarious lack of acrobatic grace, John completely screws up one of his acrobatic moves and hurts himself. However, when he does this, he is actually much harder to hit than usual.

Finishing Move:

Schadenfreude: Merry John was very Merry

And the folks would laugh

He had the grace of a fairy

And could kill a dog with his staff

All the people, from sea to prairie

Would give John their power every time they laughed at other people's misery and then he would use it as a concentrated negative energy bomb that took the form that was most hilarious at the time


Stage: The Jester's Dungeon - Modeled similarly to a real dungeon, but with all those dangerous, fun-killing spikes and whatnot either made of rubber or replaced with silly props. In a nearby locked room, adjoining the main “Torture Chamber”, is “The Prop Room” where the real funny (and real dangerous) props are held behind a lock.

Backstory/Description: Merry John is a world-known Jester, famous for his biting wit, razor-sharp humour, and incredibly heavy and blunt rod. He's a slight man, at six feet tall but only one hundred-twenty pounds, but his frame is deceitfully slender for his strength. He is well known for being convicted to death by many a king for his remarks about them, and then being able to easily fight off the king's guard when sent to kill him. Rumours abound that the sack at the end of his rod is not only a penis joke but also a source of magic power.

Steve the Waffle

Name: Steve the waffle

Weapon: A butter knife of low carbon stainless steel with a 5 inch blade.

Armor: Over cooked crust, hardened maple syrup guarding it's one inconspicuous eye, slightly impeding sight but protecting its weakest point.

Familiar: A sentient slab of butter, capable of breaking down even the most sturdy of solid structures, but it's tiny size limits its effectiveness.

Offensive Abilities: 1) Syrup shot: Steve spews out sticky maple syrup to slow the foe down and interfere with electronic devices. 2) Syrup Blade: Steve coats his knife in syrup, reducing its sharpness but drastically increasing size and durability as well as making foes wounds more painful. 3) Butter beam: Steve's butter attaches to Steve, where it becomes energized and flies out at a foe at hypersonic speeds to burn a hole through nearly any substance.

Defensive Abilities: 1) Crystallization: Steve turns it's sugar into salt, making it harder than rock. 2) Break up: Each square of Steve can separate and act on its own making locking on to Steve much more difficult. The squares can come back together, but it takes a little time. Steve cannot use his knife while broken up.

Finishing Move: Trans-dimensional obliterator beam: Drawing energy reserved from its origin (see below), Steve unleashes a stream of ultra energized sub atomic particles that open millions of tiny black holes in and around the foe, ripping it's molecules apart and sending them flying into infinitely many dimensions. The beam not only drains Steve of his stamina, it also drains the surrounding area of its heat and light, more than often rendering the area inhospitable for a talking waffle. Also, the beam uses up the unstable particles contained within Steve, meaning use of this weapon will eventually turn him back into a regular waffle.

Stage: Any kitchen with a toaster, preferably double slice. Alternatively a looping wormhole.

Backstory/Description: An average size waffle with a small and well hidden eye. It possesses a faint glow and has not rotten despite its age. This was a regular old waffle, prepared for consumption of a nuclear physicist, when he was accidentally dropped into the stream of a particle accelerator. The stream altered the structure of his body, even changed the very laws of nature within the microcosm of his body, bringing him, and separately the slab of butter placed on him, to life. The scientists named him Steve, and made a fortune off of a television sitcom, Everybody Loves Waffle, with Steve playing the naggy wife of Bill Cosby, the main character. Steve eventually quit to become a super hero under the guise of an overly serious quardillionare who dresses up like a bat. One day Steve felt the dimensional disturbance from the creator and knew that he was the only one who could save Earth from being torn from the fabric of reality.

"Gentleman" Jack Cuervo

Name: “Gentleman” Jack Cuervo

Weapon: A magical bottle of liquor (in a brown paper bag) that never runs empty. Jack will remove the bottle from the bag and smash it on something hard (preferably an opponent's head) to use the jagged edges in combat; afterward, he returns it to the bag. It always emerges whole and, more importantly, full, again.

Armor: Battered, scuffed black steel-toed combat boots; dingy once-white tube socks; dirty beige/khaki cargo pants; a wife-beater t-shirt under a beat-up ancient leather duster jacket; a stained and oft-bent leather cowboy hat.

Familiar: Zeke, a variably-corporeal lime green penguin that only Jack can see under normal circumstances (in other words, when he's drunk). On occasion (such as in the middle of a fight) Jack will find the right combination of vodka, gin, cheap wine, and sterno filtered through a loaf of bread to bring Zeke fully into the world.

Offensive Abilities:

  • Drunkenese: Jack spends almost all of his time drunk. As a result, he has to concentrate very hard to speak intelligible English. Most of the time he's talking to Zeke or babbling about the state of the world. During combat, Jack has the ability to spew out a stream of mixed gibberish, slurred phrases, and somehow-properly-pronounced swear words, sufficient to confuse and stun an enemy while Zeke attacks.
  • Blackout Berserker: Eventually Jack will get drunk enough to black out. However, like any good alcoholic, he has the ability to keep on functioning long past that point. His actions become more erratic and unpredictable and in a fight he develops an almost elegant martial style, converting his stumbling into sophisticated feints and allowing him to perform “normal” attacks (punches, kicks, etc) at superhuman speed and with amazing strength. Jack will not be able to maintain this level of activity for long, and always needs to go pass out for a few hours afterward.

Defensive Abilities:

  • Boot & Rally: If he takes enough shots (physical or alcoholic) to the stomach, Jack will have to puke. Counter-intuitively, this actually restores some portion of his health, as anyone who's thrown up at a party can tell you. It also makes room for more liquor.
  • Hhhhhhhiiii Thhhhere! Since he never brushes his teeth and constantly drinks liquor (and the mixers associated with cocktails), Jack's gums and teeth are literally rotting out of his head, which makes his breath a potent weapon. Any opponent that gets close enough to catch a whiff will be stunned for at least a few moments.
  • Feelin' No Pain: Since he's always drunk, Jack is usually well past the point of feeling anything other than critical physical damage. He's also nearly completely immune to cold, until it gets down to the “you're freezing literally to death” type temperatures.

Finishing Move: Pancreatitis by Proxy: Similar to a Vulcan mind-meld. Jack has the ability (when sufficiently drunk and fighting an already-weakened opponent) to convey the pain of a pancreas that is enlarged, inflamed, and slowly decaying due to severe alcohol abuse. Jack must be in physical contact with the intended victim to perform this move. When successful, the opponent is completely disabled from the pain. And also needs a new pancreas.

Backstory/Description: “Gentleman” Jack Cuervo is a drifter of indeterminate age. Depending upon the time of day and his level of intoxication, he can appear anywhere from mid-twenties to well over fifty. He is a hopeless alcoholic and what's worse, he knows it–but he's too much of a coward to just get it over with and kill himself. He's entered this tournament hoping to lose, but something deep inside of him wants to live, and since he's always drunk, that something more often than not takes over and fights his battles for him. On the rare occasion that one can catch Jack sober, he is remorseful and bitter, apologizing profusely for everything and promising he won't pick up another drink. Zeke has been following Jack around for most of his adult life; Jack has no idea where Zeke came from or how he's able to manifest in the physical world sometimes. Jack often swears at Zeke, raging at him to get lost, take off, go and bother someone else. Especially maddening for Jack is the fact that Zeke never says a word, he just stares at Jack with his beady little green penguin eyes.

Stage: A bar. Any typical bar, with the requisite barstools, pool tables, dart boards, sawdust on the floor, etc.


Name: Walrus

Weapon: Ivory tusks

Armor: Hide and Blubber

Familiar: The Eggman. The Eggman is a member of a subservient race of Eggmen. He is approximately twice the size of the average chicken egg with spindly arms and legs protruding through cracks in the shell. No one is quite sure how he sees things. He is secretly plotting Walrus' death.

Offensive Abilities: “Belly Flop.” “Bounce.” “Rhyme.” -“Belly flop” Walrus leaps into the air and lands on his opponent with all his tremendous girth. You can't ignore his girth. -“Bounce” Walrus bounces when falling from any height. One might see this as a defensive maneuver, but those who have experienced this would have to disagree. -“Rhyme” Walrus has been known at inappropriate times to compose bad poetry in his thick, pompous, British accent. Especially when he is nervous. Which is frequent.

Defensive Abilities: “Aerial maneuvering.” “Circular logic.” -“Aerial Maneuvering” Walrus can fly. That is Walrus cannot fly, but when Walrus doesn't remember that he can't he can. -“Circular Logic” Walrus is immune to psychobabble, trickery and reason. He regularly participates in 'armchair exercises' in which he contemplates the universe and proposes ridiculous theories. Anything said to him is used to perpetuate his ridiculous theorems.

Finishing Move: “Lost in blubber.” -“Lost in Blubber” There have been those unfortunate enough to find their way into the many folds of Walrus' blubber. There is no air in there. Needless to say, this is a problem.

Stage: Walrus is most suited for an arctic aquatic arena.

Backstory/Description: Walrus is the son of a gentleman. His father was a gentleman. His father was a gentleman. And his father was a taxidermist. Walrus led a sheltered, pampered life until the warpstorm. The gods spurned his wealth and lazy lifestyle, so he was made to compete. Upon receiving a letter in the mail of a formal challenge, Walrus' honor could not keep him away. His cowardice couldn't exactly be reconciled with this fact and so his father locked him in a stage coach and sent him to face the coming duel.


Name: Sayq

Weapon: 2 simple daggers. Straight, single edge. Approx 10 inches long total, handle 4.5“, blade 5.5”.

Armor: Black bodysuit, With cloth shoes and fingerless gloves. Also a black skullcap and goggles.

Familiar: none

Offensive Abilities: 1) Shockwave - Slashes the air which causes a shockwave to form.

2) Shadow Slash - Take to the shadows, then pop out and hit the opponent's weak spot for major damage.

Defensive Abilities: 1) Flash Step - Short range teleportation. Can't go more than about 20 feet, but can be used as either evasion or in a surprise attack.

2) Dark Eye - Stares at the enemy with his absent eye, causing stunning and sometimes temporary paralysis.

Finishing Move: Shade's Form - Become the very darkness and devastate the enemy.

Stage: A ravaged village, buildings burnt to black and belongings to ash. It has just turned to dusk so there is minor sunlight, setting the horizon ablaze and filling the cloud-scattered sky with a pinkish hue.

Backstory/Description: Once the victim of a great war, having his entire family perish in the raid of his town, he also lost an eye and was severely injured. After recovering from his injuries he took to the shadows and, though young, took out many soldiers of the armies that destroyed his home. Over time he ended up deconstructing the entire enemy offensive, leading his land to victory in the war, however, overtaken by his sullenness he isolated himself and grew his power even greater. He then used this power to take out the king of his own homeland, who had started the war, then fled his country. By the time his death was discovered, he was far gone already.


Name: Dopple

Back story/Description: Dopple is a sentient blob of dark matter which can copy any nearby body of matter, namely the opponent. No one knows what it really looks like due to the fact that once it copies someone it maintains its form until it copies something else. It is assumed that this creature is very young for whatever it is and probably male. It very rarely does any work on its own accord, but is frequently summoned by many a villain to do evil work, mostly copying and destroying the villains nemesis. Its name was given to it by one of the various villains it has worked for. The few times it’s been beaten were due to very cleaver foes and error from the one who summoned it. It was attracted to the tournament in hopes of catching and copying the creator itself. Before its first fight, the creature is in the form of an old balding farmer with a horrible mean streak. It becomes a de-saturated mirror image of the one it copies, sometimes with a dark blue tinge.

Weapon: An exact copy of the enemy’s, including any enchantments or technologies.

Armor: An exact copy of the enemy’s, including any enchantments or technologies.

Familiar: A separate blob of dark matter that copies the other familiar. Is part of Dopple in that they “share” a mind.

Offensive abilities: 1) Dark Attacks: Dopple possesses one of the foe’s Offensive abilities. 2) Shadow blasts: Dopple can shoot dark energy from its body as a projectile in various forms; depending on whatever it’s copied. 3) Dark boost: Dopple fills its body with dark energy to increase the power of its offensive and defensive abilities as well as its overall strength and speed. This is saved as a last resort, as it is very exhausting.

Defensive abilities: 1) Dark Defense: Dopple possesses one of the foe’s Defensive abilities. 2) Mirror moves: Dopple can synchronize its moves with its opponents, insuring that no attacks will get through without causing equal or greater damage.

Finishing move: Dark Finisher An ironically horrible version of the opponent’s finisher. Against Kiera it would be the same tree but of fire, causing her to die just like her mom. Against Valhallen, a lightning bolt powered by soft rock. Against Badluck, the same thing, but making a witty comment about having bad luck before slitting his throat. Against James O'Kennig, mind control on his weapon, turning his own sentient spear against him, killing him with his loyal friend. You get the picture.

Stage: A twisted version of the opponent’s. Or, when impropriate, an empty room with no walls or sky or destinations of any kind, save the invisible floor.

The Lawyer/The Judge

This was a character who's placeholder was never filled, which is why he was unceremoniously killed off before the start of fight #6 in round 1. He was later used as a Deus Ex Machina device during the final showdown and epilogue. The following is the incomplete character sheet:

Name: The Lawyer (yes, just the Lawyer.)

Weapon: Plasma Wrench

Armor: A nice suit, and a gigantic scarf he keeps wrapped around his neck

The Fights

Round 1

Round 2

Round 3

Final Showdown




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