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Neutiquam Erro

Based on a true story, this work has been in progress for 10 years. Alongside the stories are the poems, songs and artwork that have accompanied the journey of a child. Neutiquam Erro is Latin and translates in English to “I am not lost at all”. MelodieM

Dedication

I always wondered where this book would start.I should have known it would be at the beginning.

I wrote this book about me. I think I need to say that. I considered trying to write this about someone else, loosely based on me but my need for honesty overtook my fear of what others might think.

I also wrote this book for me, the child who deserved a voice and the woman who found it for her.

This is no bedtime story, some of it is raw and harsh and some of it is even funny but it is my story told through my artwork, my poetry and my memories.

For my children

For my sons who deserve to take their place now as young men, and for my daughter who taught me about real beauty, trust, faith and love.

Introduction

I have lived with the thought of suicide my entire life.

My only real attempt was when I was about 12 years old. I took every drug I could find in the house and even mixed up powders with Dettol and choked that down. I wanted everything to just be still and quiet. I wanted to melt into darkness.

I left a note. I put it in the big old readers digest atlas that no one ever looked at, and I laid myself down on the bean bag and went to sleep. I remember my last thought - no more christmas - but even that wasnt reason to stay. The quiet, pitch black drew me down.

I woke up in the local hospital with my mother standing over me and the taste of charcoal in my mouth. No one ever asked me why I didn’t want to live. My mother asked me why I would do something like that to her and my family.

I never tried again but even today, 30 years later I still think about suicide. That little voice that says: “It would be so easy to just let go, give up and sink into that delicious peaceful darkness”.

I am not suicidal. I am not so lost that I cannot see a way out. Years of stumbling around in the dark have taught me there is always a way out. Even when I can’t see it.No matter how dark my life has been, how frightened or alone or hurt I have felt, I have always come through. There has been someone there to remind me of love and help me find the light again.

The title of this book is my statement to the world, to the perpetrators of the evil inflicted on me as a child, and my response to that little voice that insists I should give up.

It is my deepest wish that this book might help others to see their way out of the darkness.

Neutiquam Erro.

I am not lost at all.


short_stories | literature


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