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My Opinion about 10 Things You Should Never Say to a Woman

Having recently suffered a very messy break up, sometimes posts on Facebook that offer advice to men and/or women in a relationship will catch my eye. Some of it is really good but some of the advice really only applies to a certain attachment style or is just down-right bad advice. I ran across a few really good posts from a particular page whose name escapes me at the moment. On the page there was a link to this article: http://relrules.com/post/10-Things-You-Should-Never-Tell-A-Woman/2

I took the time to look it over and found that I had some pretty strong opinions on some of the advice. Because I intend to pursue a relationship in the future, maybe in as little as a matter of months, it occurs to me that there are certain modes of operation that I will want to establish to make sure that the person I choose is able to meet my needs and that I will be able to meet hers.

So here’s my take on the advice from the article 10 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN, written by Mr. RR…

Let’s Talk Later

In this section the author suggests that one should never abruptly end a conversation with your girlfriend. It is stated that she will “know something is up.” The article demands that a man not say that he will “talk to her later.” The reason cited for this is that she will wonder if she’s being ignored, or if he is losing his interest in her, if she said something wrong, or even the capital of all criminal mental questions, “Is he cheating on me?”

This is actually pretty sound advice but it doesn’t apply to the same degree to all women or just women. Women tend to be, statistically, more likely to have an Anxious/Preoccupied attachment style than men but plenty of men have this style as well. Perhaps everyone, and generally women to a statistically larger extent, will have these thoughts going through their head at some point. However, with Secure and Dismissive (not Fearful) styles will not be as prone to this reaction as the Anxious style.

The Anxious/Preoccupied individual, man or woman, is hypersensitive to tiny almost imperceptible shifts in your mood and in the current state of the relationship. This can cause their Preoccupied tendencies to activate and if they’re agitated enough they may start acting out with potentially really nasty “protest” behaviors. Typically the Anxious partner will not leave you over this but they may end up making you want to leave them. Protest behavior can be off-putting and at times really quite awful.

When acting out, the Preoccupied attachment person will sometimes shift from being an honest, trusting, caring, and pleasant individual into a disturbed state of mind where the temptation to lie, manipulate, and verbally abuse becomes difficult to resist. Keep in mind that attachment, sometimes called “being in love” is not love at all. Love is unconditional but not enough to hold a family unit together. Because of this nature provides us with this, sometimes nasty, mode called attachment. With a Secure type this will be balanced quite nicely so they will be less prone to either Anxious or Avoidant behaviors but if pushed far enough by an unstable partner even a Secure can exhibit qualities associated with the less balanced attachment styles. Attachment can actually manifest as the exact opposite of love when activated.

It all comes down to three things.

1. Are you communicating effectively? 2. Are you reassuring your partner that you care about them? 3. Most importantly, are you up to something?

The Preoccupied individual, man or woman, will, when activated, have a tendency to assume the worst and that is when they need the most patience, affection, and reassurance. However, the reason they activate in the first place is because they are very sensitive to little things others might overlook. If the reason there are signals causing them to get uncomfortable is that you are in fact up to something, you need to come clean. Your partner might not like what you tell them and may start Protest behaviors but, as an Anxious individual, I can tell you that it will be much worse if what their gut is telling them due to subtle clues conflicts with what their heart is telling them out of a need to believe their partner.

If you are prone to actions which continually set your Anxious partner off, care must be taken. If the issues can’t be worked out in couples counseling, the relationship may not be tenable. If you need to break it off with, anyone really, try to make it as clean of a break as possible. Breaking up with Preoccupied individuals is often very messy but will be worse if the breakup is not handled abruptly and with completeness. If you have things at her house or vice versa take care of it immediately because the Preoccupied may use the situation to try to get you back, see you again, or even try to hurt you out of revenge.

The bottom line is, if you cannot meet the emotional needs of a woman, or an Anxious man, then leave them alone. Let them move on so they may find someone who can handle them. With the right person an otherwise mentally healthy Preoccupied person will be good as gold.

I Love You – Let’s Start Dating

Coming on too strong is always a bad idea but in this article they take it way too far than what would be appropriate for an Anxious/Avoidant attachment style. There is a lot of really bad advice out there for that particular attachment type.

The article says that you “can’t tell her in your first ever Meet up that you want to date her.” It talks about “building chemistry” so things go well in the long run. Then it gets really bad. The article suggests avoiding appearing “easy” or end up in a “one-sided” relationship. It cites a lack of respect as a reason to avoid this.

This sounds good so far right? So why is this “terrible” advice to an Anxious/Preoccupied attachment style? The reason is because those with this style may misrepresent themselves and the relationship will end prematurely when the other person finds out what you’re really like. I would suggest Preoccupieds follow this advice but make sure they don’t take it too far. It is all too common for this type to play games that will tend to attract Avoidant types they will waste their time with, at best, when they could remain open for a Secure or mildly to moderately Anxious styled woman.

This might be a good time to interject the following opinion: if you find you have more than moderate Anxious/Preoccupied tendencies you are probably not suited for a relationship with anyone right now. I would suggest you seek counseling and focus on yourself and your life before getting involved romantically. Avoid sex too because sex will often cause this attachment style to bond with someone who will hurt them sooner or later.

This can also be bad advice for adults approaching their forties or older especially if they have or want to start having children right away. A better strategy would be to filter out unsuitable partners very quickly. If this bothers the woman then she may be avoidant. It’s all a matter in how you approach it.

Of course you don’t come right up to a woman and say “I want you to start having babies with you immediately let’s get married.” That’s not Anxious; it’s insane. Hopefully mature adults have figured that out already. However, there may be little to lose from getting that phone number and calling her that night to plan a simple low-pressure first date where the “interview” process can begin. If she is playing hard to get she may be just following unsuitable dating advice or she may be an Avoidant which may be okay for a Secure or even another Avoidant but those types don’t pursue with as much fervor as the Anxious type who is usually an terribly unfavorable match. This is why we see, and sometimes experience, so many “roller coaster” relationships.

So if you are a mature adult, try to filter out the “wrong” sorts of women quickly. Be bold and move at a reasonably quick pace. If there are too many flags get out quick and move on to someone that doesn’t have a drug addiction and/or the wrong attachment style for you. Anxious types should probably make themselves date several people before they allow themselves to become committed to one person too quickly. Avoidant types should try to make it a point to focus on one person for a while and try to make themselves vulnerable.


Note: you might be wondering how anyone can expect to follow the advice of someone who has yet to secure a stable relationship. The truth is that I don’t. This is the advice I will be following. If you find that some of these suggestions are useful to you then go for it.


How Many Guys?

The article says that you shouldn’t ask a woman how many guys she’s been with in the beginning of the relationship. I would say you shouldn’t ask this question ever. If a woman is promiscuous, which should be a huge red flag, they will probably give this away somehow early on. People tell us what we need to know most of the time if we just listen and try not to let hormones or attachment issues cloud our judgment.

You can ask (not on the first date) about her attitudes on sexuality. This is a better approach. You don’t need raw numbers. What benefit would there be having such information? Any figure higher than one, you, is going to be too many as far as most males are concerned.

As the article suggests, if you already have a secure stable relationship you can ask this question because it “doesn’t matter” at that stage but why even ask the question then? Do you really want to know? Women tend to underreport anyway so you could set her up to seem like a liar even thought she may have just forgotten a few tick-marks on her bed post.

Just don’t ask this question. It’s a hideous question to ask. Common “rookie” mistake though.

Hi, I’m Sherlock

This advice has to do with jumping to conclusions at the beginning of the relationship when she doesn’t promptly return your call or some other behavior which might make you suspicious. If you just started dating and you can’t give the person space and privacy you should probably find some way to calm down, usually by examining and modifying your thought process, and avoid assuming the worst or find someone who doesn’t make you so nervous.

Here we have advice that is particularly valid for the Anxious/Preoccupied attachment style even during a committed relationship. If you even start feeling like you should or have to do this either the relationship is already doomed or you are badly in need of therapy… Possibly both.

Do You Like Me?

The author tells us to not bring up questions like “do you like me?” on a first date. Really? Does anyone actually do this? I might but I’m confident and at this stage am more interested in whether she is a good fit or not. If she doesn’t like me that’s fine so I can ask stuff like that but as a joke. Don’t seriously ask questions like this on a first date. If you can’t tell if a woman likes you then you need to learn body-language and subtle facial cues. If you have Asperger’s syndrome this might be difficult so you may have to ask stuff like this but don’t do it when you first start dating!

I’m Super Critical

The advice given in this section has to do with telling a woman that something she made or is wearing is less than satisfactory. This is a fascinating point. Sometimes there is a fine line between being honest and being rude. As a philosopher that likes women this is the sort of thing that threatens to preoccupy my time.

I wonder about this one but I figure that, generally speaking, if you don’t have something nice to say don’t say it but that may not always be appropriate. If she asks you what you think an honest opinion is what she needs… or it absolutely is not. You will have to try to make a judgment call just ask yourself, “am I just being hypercritical?” Sometimes, it might be obvious to her that you are downplaying any negatives or exaggerating positives so she will get the hint.

Another question that goes through my mind when I read this, “why would you want to criticize what she’s wearing anyway? Maybe you’re the wrong sexual preference for her if it even occurs to you to do this. Obviously I’m saying this in a teasing way which brings me to my next point. If you learn how to properly tease a woman, in a clever not jerkish way, you might be able to get away making a joke about what she’s wearing but it’s hazardous so make sure you know what you’re doing.

If it doesn’t feel right don’t do it.

Give Me Your Phone

If you are doing this when you first start dating you have a problem. This is incredibly controlling behavior. Later on in the relationship you shouldn’t feel like you have to do this… BUT, if she is being secretive with her phone, locking it, hiding it, erasing messages unnecessarily, and making sure you don’t see the screen when she’s texting she might be cheating… or she might be shopping for a birthday present for you you ass.

Try not to jump to conclusions but if a woman’s behavior consistently makes you feel uncomfortable and you aren’t about to work it out together or in individual therapy she may not be right for you and vice versa.

On a personal note, I found myself doing this in a relationship (near the end) but there were an hundred “red flags” on both sides of the playing field early on. The relationship probably was not wise to pursue but sometimes we have to learn the hard way. Fortunately, I feel like I learned a lot from the experience. I found out about attachment science for starters.

I Need Your Passwords

The article says, “…you suddenly ask her for her passwords and you’re not even on your third date yet.” Is this section just filler? Why on Earth would you do that? Especially so soon? Are you trying to drain her bank account and fly to Bermuda?

Once you are thoroughly entrenched in a relationship you might start sharing passwords for practical reasons of convenience but this will be casual and you won’t have to ask. If she wants you to check her cellphone bill while she’s knitting an afghan, or whatever, she may voluntarily give you her password without prompting.

At this point, you are building her trust; hopefully you deserve it.

You Don’t Look Good Today

Generally speaking, this is, prima fascia, exactly the wrong thing to say to a woman. If you do say something like this, and I would advise against it, it had better be a joke and you had better know her and know your approach very very well. I would only advise you even joke about things like that if you want her to leave you and date a charming Devtome writer instead.

Conclusion

In retrospect, most of the advice was fairly sound. The main concern with this and much of the dating advice out there is that it may not be suitable for some people. A lot of the advice out there is highly unadvisable for Anxious/Preoccupied attachment styles who need to make sure they aren’t misrepresenting themselves or using tactics which tend to attract Avoidants or women who just want sex.

Yes, there are lots of women who just want sex. If you are an Anxious style you may think you just want sex but when you get it you might find out that you just “fell in love” with someone who is entirely inappropriate for you. Intercourse can create a strong bond the Anxious/Preoccupied man will have difficulty breaking and he will probably even go to great lengths to strengthen; because we’re stupid like that sometimes.

To be fair, I’ve made a lot of these mistakes, most of them in my youth. If you screw up try to not get too remorseful about it. We all make errors. We really need to try to not take ourselves too seriously. When you think of all of the greasiness and smelliness of the human being there isn’t a whole lot to take seriously anyway.

Relationships


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