My Jump

Somehow I always knew I'd end up here. Somehow I always knew that I'd die by my own choice… when I get tired of this world and my sense of humour will no longer be sufficient way of repulsing trouble. But I never thought it would be so soon. The way to do it was always clear. I dreamt of skydiving and this way I don't even have to pay for it. Why the bridge? I guess films affect all of us. I enjoyed the thought of transportation stopping and people gathering around. Police negotiator coming to me and begging me to reconsider, while the media filmed and narrated my last moments. That would be death to behold. I could toy with them and pretend to sway to their side and at the last moment change my mind. To say farewell with explanation on how everything is wrong and how it is humans fault. To watch their surprised faces and to hope, that my speech may alter someones view on the world, as I leap into the darkness. Well… bad luck for me, because for some reason the trafic here today is really slow and those few cars that passed by either didn't notice me or didn't give a crap.

And so here I am. For some reason ready to take my final step into the void. Why the hesitation? Why the uncertainty? Moments ago I was so sure of it. Should I give myself one more chance? No, one thought about the reason and I don't doubt anymore. To not prolong this ridiculous moment I turn around and push myself off the ledge. And as my back slowly penetrate the cold river air I see a child in the back of a car. Looking at me with the bigest eyes I've ever seen filled with curiosity. For a moment I regret my action that lead to innocent young soul witnessing a man ending his life, but then calm myself realising she probably didn't even register me and if so, she won't realise what it meant. And after that I fly. Well fall actually, though flying must feel about the same.

Even when already imagining it for dozens of times I never got the real feeling. There is nothing in the world to compare this to. For a moment there, as your body feels weightless, you also feel like nothing weighs you down. But that moment, like every other one, passes. What you are left with, are visions filled with an endless amount of regret. And you become angry at everyone who by their actions had led you to this day, this moment of your life, when giving up seems like a reasonable choice. As the survival instinct kicks in you try to figure out a way out of this. Maybe by landing correctly. But then you realise, that even if so, the strong currents would probably drag you to open seas to be drowned. And as your flight draws to its end you just hope that your passing won't hurt anyone.

And then there is pain. Pain? I hoped that nuisance will be gone when I die. I feel my leg and my arm being broken by the force of the impact and my ribs being crushed by the pressure. So I am not dead. Not yet. But I should be. Maybe it's just a final joke on my part on behalf of destiny/faith/god whatever you believe. To give me what for, because I am cowardly giving up. I start to rationalize my decision, as I have done many times. Opinions about how I believe, that everyone should be able to end their on their own terms. And how I don't owe anything to anyone. But my thoughts seem vain and all arguments I had prepared seem meaningless. My conscience, yet again, starts to doubt every decision I've ever made in my entire life. The cinema in my brain starts playing that well known phenomenon, where your life flashes in front of your eyes. But it is not trying to torment me. I don't see the bad memories and wrong decisions. I see the happy ones. The ones I remember, but even more of those I have forgotten. As they grow fewer with age and my memories are drawing near to this moment in time, the movie stops. It stops at one particular image.

That little girl. I see her big blue eyes untainted with all that is wrong with the world and wonder if I could redeem myself, so in couple of days, months or years someone else could see something similar in my eyes… Yes. Yes is the sound I hear in my head when asking myself that question. How could I give up now? I survived the fall. There must still be something for me out there. And so I forget about the pain and struggle. Struggle with the most powerful feeling I have ever felt. I fight to survive. I might not make it, I might not survive and I might die. But if I die it won't be while giving up. It will be while fighting and doing my best. And I feel like there might be some hope left for me after all.

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