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My Annoying Thoughts

5 o'clock. She's already supposed to be here. What is taking her so long? Maybe something happened to her. Or maybe she decided not to come. Can't blame her. I too, wouldn't go out with myself again. Why am I even doing this? Wrong clothes, wrong cologne. I don't feel like myself. I don't feel comfortable. Should've stayed at home. Ordered pizza, watched some TV show… That'd be nice. And safe. Oh my god where is she? Better check the phone for the time and messages. No new texts. Only the old one “16:50 at the square? =)”. Well it is 17:04 now. Looks like someone can't keep track of the time. I will give her a couple more minutes and then I'm out of here.

There she is making her way through the crowd. I don't know why I feel disapointed. I probably already imagined myself lying safely on the couch with beer in one hand and food in the other. She's getting near. What do I do? What do I do? Why am I still so nervous? We kiss briefly as she leans towards me. Nervous smile appears on my lips. God, how ridiculous must I seem. But she smiles back and apologizes for being late. “We should go if we want to catch that movie”. And so we set out. What do I do with my hands? I tensely look at them. She notices and so I fake being cold, blow some hot air and put them in my pockets as if trying to get warmer.

Rest of the walk we converse. What a torment. I immediately regret everything I say, thinking how lame it must've sound. She sure thinks nothing good of me. But she keeps smiling and doesn't seem to want to go away. Why? There must be something wrong with her. But what? She is pretty, cute, nice, smart, educated, popular… Then why would she be with me? What dark secrets are you hiding behing those blue eyes of yours? Well… I might be just putting ideas into my own head. I bet she doesn't have any dark secrets, though it would explain a lot. I'm not going to find the truth now anyway. Finally we get to the cinema, buy the tickets and sit down on our seats.

As the screening room begins to darken she holds my hand, kisses me and says “I really like you”. She likes me. I wish that would end all my annoying thoughts, but it only gets worse. A bash over the head with something heavy would be such a pleasant relief for me now, just so I would stop thinking so much about everything. Noone seems to possess a club of some kind neither the will to hit my head with it. And so I spend the entire movie immersed in my thoughts. Obsessing about so many things, that I barely pay attention to the film. So she likes me? How much? And what does it mean? Is it getting serious? What if I screw up? And what if she wants me to meet her parents? What if I screw up while meeting her parents? How much time we have to spend together to be a proper “couple”? I bet she will want to move in with me and I bet she wants to have kids soon. And oh my god what if she has a penis or some weird deformation? SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. How do you silence your own brain? When I excercise or when I am otherwise slightly numbed I don't have such a problem with inconvenient thoughts. But what to do now? I want to pay attention and I want to act naturally, but how? I always do that. Overthink situations and problems, so they become so real, that I have to sabotage everything out of fear from figments of my imagination.

Thank god that the movie finally ended. Maybe the conversation will help reduce the amount of my involuntary brain activity. To change the topic from the movie I just didn't watch I ask if she would like to eat something. She nods and agrees and so we go into the nearest well-enough-looking restaurant and order some food. I can't really pay attention to the food, because for the first time today I can really appreciate how adoringly she appears. And as my stomach becomes full and my mind gets numb I realise how much I enjoy her company. The moment that came to pass when we left that restaurant is one of those I will always remember. She looked at me with the most gorgeous smile I have ever seen and took hold onto my hand. I wondered again if she has any secrets, but now not with fear. I found myself wanting to know everything about her out of pure affection and curiosity. With that newfounded comfort I walked with girl I am starting to really like until we reached the front door of her appartment.

We stood there for a minute and looked into each others eyes. I don't know if it was because of the fine food, nice weather or her presence, but for a moment there all my problems vanished and I felt truly happy. So I kissed her with passion I've never felt before. After that I smiled, but not awkwardly. I smiled with self-esteem that was new to me and it felt great. Saying good night I turned around and walked away. And as I walked, I enjoyed the sweet feeling of emptiness in my head and grew proud of myself. The fears are still there somewhere, but now I feel like there might be some hope left for me after all.


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