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More Thoughts on Love and Attachment and How it Relates to Tyranny

This is a huge topic and, because of the way the human mind will sometimes demonstrate black-and-white thinking, can be terribly confusing and lead to some unfortunate misconceptions. It is important to understand what these things are, what they mean, and what they aren’t, and what they do mean. An understanding of love and knowledge of attachment science can constitute remarkably helpful tools if adequately researched.

Love – What it Is and What it Isn’t

Love is something which can be difficult to understand in the context of mundane deconstructionist thinking. Love is mystical and divine. Evolutionary theory cannot adequately account for this phenomenon because it doesn’t have any direct or obvious survival advantage. One could attempt to argue that it is a manifestation of a successful group survival strategy but the core of that argument in inherently flawed because such dynamics are more the result of people’s tribal need to belong to a group.

Love is something very different and doesn’t necessarily have any survival value at all. Love transcends, not just petty concerns, but questions of security and family altogether. The Buddhist way is the way of love and likewise so is that of the archetypal follower of Jesus as well. Love is unconditional and not reserved for any select group of individuals.

Love is to be shared with all and can even extend to other species and even inanimate objects because awareness of love means awareness of the oneness and interconnectedness of all things. One may even go so far as to state that the only truth is unconditional love and that everything else is a distortion of this divine reality. It may that the only thing that is truly real is love and that everything else is an illusion to some degree or another.

To know love is to know compassion for others even as you are hurting yourself. To know love is to know beauty and reason. To know love is to experience the world in a grand and inspired way. To know love is to forgive.

Love never controls, even when control has good intentions behind it. Love does not promote fear or anger and it does not allow room for concerns of power where it is present. Love heals and love surrenders. Where attachment holds on, love lets go.

Attachment – What it Is and What it is Not

Once you finally realize that “being in love” and sometimes even “loving” one’s children is not about love at all but about attachment, you start down a road to self-discovery and ultimately enhanced understanding of others and of the world. Though there are certainly those who would demonize this sensation which oftentimes proves to be the polar opposite of love, but truthfully it is a vital aspect of the human condition like hunger and lust. It is a need so it controls and holds on but that is often needed to compassionately rear children who need to experience security and safety.

You see, love does not compel you to make sure you know where your child is and forbid them from going somewhere or doing something dangerous. Love steps in when you have to let go and swallow your fears so you can allow your child to explore, learn, and grow. There is sublime dynamic between love and attachment which, when in proper balance, can ensure children have all of their needs met both emotional and physical.

Attachment is the vital bond that ties families together. Love cannot bind because love isn’t about restriction but rather about freedom. Attachment is what you need to set boundaries and reasonable restrictions. Always must it be kept in mind that attachment is not truly love because when threatened attachment can invoke fear, hostility, anger, and even hatred. Love cannot invoke any of these things.

Attachment Styles – What they Mean and What they Don’t Mean

When taking a test which determines your attachment type, you will get a certain result which can help you understand your and your partner’s behavior especially as it relates to romantic partnership and child rearing. You will be able to better cope with your eccentricities and that of your loved one and learn what areas you need to work on to become a more whole and well-rounded human being. However, it can be really easy to read too much into such a result because it is limited in determining severity of attachment issues and is not all-encompassing.

To get an idea what is meant by all this, we will look at attachment styles and talk about different possibilities regarding what it might or might not mean. Severity can mean the difference between someone with endearing quirks and someone who is, quite frankly, unbearable to be around. Knowing your partners attachment style can be as helpful as it can be misleading. It’s up to you to use your own judgment and discernment, so don’t skimp when it comes to studying, observing, and introspecting.

The Secure – Not Perfect

To those with negative attachment styles it may seem like, sometimes, that the Secure is a sort of ideal state of being toward which to aspire. It might seem that once attaining this seemingly lofty state one will be faultless and above petty concerns. Unfortunately, this is simply not the case.

Secure attachment individuals have been estimated to comprise anywhere from forty percent to over fifty percent of the human population. If being Secure meant that you are in a sort of perfect or divine state the world would be a better place would it not? The fact that the planet is rife with warfare, starvation, and hideously destructive industrial practices belies the notion that simply rearing our children in the best possible way is enough to ensure a bright future for humanity though it certainly must be a central concern.

To be frank, in the battle for liberty and justice, we actually probably need people from all the major attachment styles on board. Secures tend to be most effective in their endeavors but the Dismissive-Avoidant style will tend to be a lot more available in terms of time and focus. We probably need some Dismissively attached people to devote time toward certain projects that other people simply don’t have in adequate abundance.

As mentioned prior, proper nurturing of children has to be a central theme in making the world a better place. It is probably the last area we can afford to neglect. The Anxiously attached, though not ideal parents or partners themselves, often obsess on becoming more Secure for their family units and in helping others do the same. This incessant drive to become better parents and romantic partners may be key to tipping the balance over toward healthier and happier communities less susceptible to the corruptive influences of tyranny and oppression.

Tyrants and control freaks, Statists if you will, exploit all of our weaknesses and even some of our strengths to build monolithic institutions which infringe on our liberties and invariably result in abhorrent human rights violations. For us to overcome this sad scenario, it is likely we must raise children to feel good about themselves so that they’re less likely to succumb to corruptive influences. At the same time, we must not be naïve for we must also learn how our good nature is often high jacked toward nefarious ends.

I don’t know for sure how the Fearfully-Avoidant can contribute something unique that may be lacking with the other styles but I can say, definitely that there are those with this style who are well aware of the root causes of the world’s problems and are eager to do what they can to help. Their victories in their internal struggles, I believe, will translate into victories in the outside world which will benefit all. External problems may be nothing more than manifestations of our internal conflicts.

So being a Secure is great and it is the attachment style one would generally prefer romantic involvement with but to think of Secures as some kinds of holy angelic saints is a fallacy. As we work on ourselves to become more Securely attached, we must also contribute in ways our unique natures afford us. We can often turn disadvantage into advantage.

The Anxious/Preoccupied – Not Always so Scary

As we have already alluded to, a simple self-diagnosis as an Axiously attached individual doesn’t tell the whole story. It doesn’t always give a clear idea of severity nor does it take into account any other mental and emotional problems that may exist within the individual. Many other aspects of a being must be taken into account to provide a clear picture.

In some cases the Anxiously attached individual can be hurtful, possessive, controlling, and even potentially dangerous. In other cases they’re drive toward affection and loyalty is most welcome and they’re only occasionally annoying. Learning about someone’s attachment style can be helpful but it has its limitations.

The Preoccupied love interest can be someone who won’t let you out of their sight and tries to micromanage every aspect of your life. They can be someone who complains constantly and has no shortage of unreasonable demands you can never meet even if you wanted to. They can be the vindictive ex-girlfriend who destroys your car out of misplaced and unnecessary spite but this doesn’t always describe someone identified as an Anxious/Preoccupied attachment style. They have even known to be promiscuous when they haven’t yet come to terms what they really need or feel a need to revenge. Severe substance abuse problems may be present.

The exact same identification as the one above, who may even score exactly the same on tests, may not resemble that person at all. Your Preoccupied lover may simply want a general idea where you are and what you are doing and will not question you unless you’re actually up to something. She (or he) may complain very little and when they do it’s cute because it shows they’re in to you a great deal and are very easily soothed with the smallest of efforts. When broken up with, the extent of their vindictiveness may be limited to throwing darts at your picture and telling you about it. The extent of their promiscuity may manifest as nothing more than a willingness to give you more sex than they even need themselves because they need to you to be satisfied so they can feel secure. They may have no substance abuse problems at all.

The Anxiously attached partner may be attentive but not smothering; it’s all a matter of severity coupled with other possible underlying issues.

The Dismissive-Avoidant – Not Always a Cold-Hearted Cheater

Your Dismissive boyfriend or girlfriend could toy with your emotions on a regular basis. He (or she) may cheat, lie, keep secrets, and condescend to you on a regular basis. This can be the type that disappears for months at a time because they “need their space” only to bring back a “present” to you in the form of a sexually transmitted disease. They can be the type that sleeps with your best friend or says remarkably cold callus things to you when they feel they are getting too close. Sometimes drug addicts or alcoholics their problems may run much deeper than a hesitation toward intimacy.

On the other hand, your Dismissive may just keep a few insignificant facts from you to maintain their sense of individuality they are afraid they might lose somehow. He (or she) may just need to spend some time in the garage or with their friends watching football to feel like their need for space has been satisfied. He/she may not cheat on you at all but just secretly make lewd comments about celebrities with his buddies. Your Dismissive lover may just harmlessly flirt with your girlfriends but avoid temptation because, as wary of attachment as they may be, they’ve learned that they do need intimacy in their lives as much of a challenge as it may be to them. As with the Anxious, they may not have any substance abuse issues at all.

Once again, it’s all a matter of severity and the presence or absence of other underlying issues. It can also matter a great deal where they’re at in their journey through life if they are actively pursuing a path to overall wellness of being.

The Fearful-Avoidant – Difficult but not Always Impossible to Understand

Sometimes displaying qualities of both of the other negative attachment styles, these can be the most difficult to understand because they don’t understand themselves. Conflicting emotions they may not even be able to identify characterizes this attachment style. Of all the attachment styles, theirs is the one most often associated with severe cases of depression. Like the other two attachment styles they are also linked with higher incidences of substance abuse, infidelity, and promiscuity.

Though sometimes believed to embody the worst of both of the other two unhealthy attachment styles, the Fearful-Avoidant can bring considerable challenge into a relationship but they aren’t always so bad. Not always hopelessly lost, they may just get a little confused at times. The individual may just need someone who can be patient, provide stability, and help them work through their issues.

Conclusion

Love is divine but doesn’t pay the mortgage. Nobody’s perfect though some are more capable of sustaining healthy relationships than others. Caring for children so that they grow up to be happy adults doesn’t guarantee freedom from tyranny but it’s bound to help. Negative attachments styles are often associated with some unhealthy and even destructive behaviors but sometimes their attachment style is just an aspect of their personality which makes them unique in a challenging but endearing way. Let’s not make assumptions but use attachment science to get us to where we need to go as families, couples, and societies.

Helpful Therapy Suggestions from education-portal.com …1)

• Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT): A form of therapy that aims to help people understand and restructure the negative thought patterns that are causing negative feelings and behaviors. • Emotion focused therapy (EFT): A form of therapy that aims to help people identify and understand their emotions, learn how to regulate and express them in acceptable ways, learn how to make sense of their emotions, and how to transform their emotions. • Attachment-focused therapy: A form of therapy that aims to strengthen the relationship between the adults and transform the negative views of self, others, and the world that a person may have into more positive views. Also aims to resolve any childhood attachment issues that may still be present.

Relationships | Political Philosophy


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