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Important lessons I have learned from television (Will McNeice)

1. Open a restaurant.

Despite opening a restaurant being one of the riskiest business ventures imaginable, it will be a success. However, if you are a customer…

2. Eat carefully at restaurants.

You are in serious danger of choking on your food. Luckily, there is always somebody around who knows how to do the Heimlich manoeuvre.

3. Never allow weapons in your car, plane or boat.

If you are driving a car, flying a plane or piloting a boat and there is a struggle over a gun, you will be the first person to be killed. You will fall over the steering wheel and send the vehicle on a collision course, and somebody else will have to save the day.

4. If you plan to get married, do not spend money on a priest or other official.

At least one of your closest friends has a certificate from the internet allowing them to officiate at weddings.

5. Never come home from work early.

You will find your lover in bed with your best friend.

6. Write a movie script.

It will go straight to the top Hollywood moguls and they will turn it into the most successful movie of the last decade, no questions asked.

7. Enter the lottery.

You will win.

8. If an event has a one in a million chance of happening, it is definitely going to happen.

Strangely, in the world of television, a one in a million chance is the same thing as a one in one chance.

Comedy


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