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If Martial Artists Ruled The World

Firm statistics on the number of practicing martial artists around the world are difficult if not impossible to find. There are just too many unregistered hands on this globe to accurately count them all.

But what if, let's say through some freakish mutation in the water, everyone instantly turned into a card-carrying martial arts enthusiast? What would the world be like then, if martial artists ruled the world?

Wars Would Change

No longer would there be aircraft or naval vessels; no more missiles or drones or bombers. Even guns would be outlawed. Instead, there would at first be massive confrontations between traditionally-armed soldiers – swords, spears, bows and arrows. But even these would kill too many, would give too much advantage to the better-armed side and would kill-off too many potentially talented fighters. So after a few such wars common sense would break out and war would become one massive tournament.

A neutral territory would be chosen – a desert or forest clearing – with enough room to have a year-long round-robin bare-handed tournament. Each warring country would have to engage in multiple styles during the contest, so the years of training of their soldiers would have to be wide-ranging as well as efficient. Heck, why confine it to just soldiers? Open it up to civilians as well – a sort of Olympic series of contests. Different levels of competition could be arranged as well – point-sparring, full-contact, everything but death matches – again, you would be losing your best fighters. So, no killing allowed.

At the end of the year the country with the greatest point-total would be declared the winner. Of course, all they would win would be cheap plastic trophies and laser-printed certificates of achievement – no countries or resources would change hands. This would further serve to bring the world population to the realization that war is a waste.

The Educational System Would Change

Starting in pre-school, children would be taught the traditional martial arts values of honor, bravery and right-action. At the same time they would be indoctrinated into the world of proper nutritional and exercise habits. Parents would be fined for having out-of-shape children.

As the children mature and progress through the grade levels they would also be achieving higher ranks in their martial studies. The entire pre-school-to-college track would be a dual one – academic and martial subjects would be intertwined. You would not graduate to the next grade level unless BOTH areas were up to snuff. Any student who consistently fails their classes will be expelled and forced to work as spit-bucket attendants until they bring their GPA back up through private tutoring (thus creating a booming job market for both academic and martial instructors). Parents would be responsible for any and all costs incurred; if they cannot afford to pay cash then they will be forced to earn their child's tuition by public service such as street sweeping, lawn cutting and dog-waste-product removal.

We will be living in a clean, smart and healthy society. Upon graduating to college-level courses the student will choose whether to major in academic or martial degrees. Over their 4-year (minimum) college life they will become true experts in their fields, thanks to the world-class instructors that will be serving as their role-models. The students won't be training for jobs as much as for living, so philosophy and ethics will play a large part in their education.

The Countries of the World Would Change

All internal boundaries of the world's countries would be changed to accommodate the various styles of martial arts. In the U.S., for example, the northeastern states would be devoted to grappling styles, with major divisions of grappling being assigned separate Style States – Greco-Roman wrestling in Maine, MMA in Vermont, Judo in Rhode Island and so on. Different sub-styles would then be assigned separate Sub-Style Cities – BJJville, SilvaTown, etc.

The same would apply to striking arts (New York and New Jersey), internal arts (we'd have Florida, Hawaii and California, of course) and combat arts such as Krav Maga and MCMAP (South Carolina).

One apparent problem with this system – no mixing or competitive testing of different styles – would be addressed by having Neutral Zones between the various Style States in which students and practitioners could meet to test themselves in a controlled, non-threatening environment. As in the Style States and Sub-Style Cities, the Neutral Zone would offer tournaments to hone skills as well as specialized schools for cross-training.

Commerce Would Be Boosted

Think of all the money you've spent on martial arts: the years of training, the uniforms, the equipment, the books, magazine and videos, the weapons, the first-aid supplies … all of this income would increase geometrically with everyone in the world being an enthusiast. Century Martial Arts would become the Microsoft of the New World (no comment on quality control). Revenues from school tuitions and tournaments would be grouped together into a common fund for the operation of said schools and tournaments, thus becoming a self-perpetuating market.

Healthy foods and, conversely, organic farming would experience a massive uplift, as would supplement and vitamin manufacturers. Each Sub-Style City would have its own food and equipment-producing infrastructure, thus providing jobs for the residents as well as cutting down on the need for transportation of raw materials and finished goods. The savings in fuel, salaries and pollution would only benefit the country, and any job loss by transportation personnel would be off-set by their new jobs as drivers for students and tournament attendees, as well as the more localized delivery of raw and finished goods.

Politics Would Become Extinct

No more political parties or top-heavy governmental structures – the entire country would be run as one massive dojo. The position formerly known as President in the United States, for example, would now be referred to as “The Great-Great-Grandmaster of the Associated Style States” and, as in the martial world, would mainly be a figurehead, the actual day-to-day decisions and actions being taken up at the local level.

Unlike the present system, however, this system of governance would be based upon traditional martial values, in this case the Taoist admonition that “the ruled should not know they are being ruled”; every decision will be made by rock-paper-scissors contests overseen by senior instructors and Sub-Style City Masters.

No more campaigning or false promises; the person elected to any office will be senior in both academic and martial abilities according to the requirements of that office, and will serve for 6-month terms. If they are effective they will retain their positions; if they fail to keep the “dojo” running properly they will be demoted and the next senior in line will assume their duties.

Social and Romantic Relationships

All Internet sites will have mandated martial arts content, whether the site is a social network such as Facebook, an informational site such as Wikipedia or a porn site such as TugToningTarts.com.

As in the Chinese martial school there will be a great emphasis placed on familial relationships, with “Big Brother” / “Little Sister” / “Great Aunt”-types of names coming into common use. Romantic couplings will be approved by both families; if there is conflict that cannot be resolved at the Sub-Style City level the matter will be brought to the Style State level. If closure still cannot be achieved the prospective couple may elect to move to a Neutral Zone to live, severing ties with their respective families if they wish or more commonly retaining visitation rights.

Internal artists of legal age will be allowed multiple spouses, all under the age of 30. If the internal artists choose not to take a spouse they may decide to create a “harem”-style arrangement with up to 25 partners. This law will be enacted because of the acknowledged superior genetic structure of internal artists.

Conclusion

If martial artists ruled the world there would be peace, good health, abundant organic food and a strong societal structure. Gone would be politicians, lawyers, police and pollution.

Thank you for your time, and I hope this proposal will meet with a favorable response.


Martial Arts Philosophy | Humour | Satire


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