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Table of Contents

Everything as Explained by Caprigon – Volume 1

This is a creative writing exercise using a random word generator. It is a way to get the creative process going while, at the same time, potentially create spontaneous clever bits which you could use with another project. The random word generator I used to create the following can be found here: http://creativitygames.net/random-word-generator/randomwords/8

Everything, in its time, will be explained. No term will be left undefined. This is meant as humor; not to be taken seriously.

Grocery Store

This is where you go to carefully sort through and pick out a new mate while pretending to be interested in food. This is preferred because, in the interest of a happy future marriage, this gives a prospective a “shopper” an opportunity to see a potential mate at their worst because the grocery store is the most likely place to witness this before a serious potentially life-long commitment is made. If an individual checks out, even with greasy hair and hole-filled sweat bottoms, there may be potential for lasting bliss.

Traffic Lights

These devices are considerately placed along one’s route while driving. They allow a much needed break from the driving experience. The reprieve has been used for shaving, putting on deodorant, applying make-up and, sometimes, even to microwave a burrito using an inverted powered by the cigarette lighter in the vehicle.

Camel

Known as the ship of the desert, this gnarly pack animal can have one hump or two. The real question is: why so few? Perhaps the minimal humpadge explains the beast’s nasty disposition.

King

This is how you feel when your loved one does that thing you like so much which is, of course, ending global warfare. It is also a piece in the game known as chess and an inbred crony descended from a line of remarkably successful con-men and women. King is also the size of the memory foam mattress you do not deserve.

Wolf

Known to wear sheep’s clothing as a guise, this is a word used as an analogy to the interspecies predator within the human species. Savage and relentless, they will stop at nothing to ruin your day. A wolf is also a sort of wild dog but nobody cares about that.

Pimple

This is the size of my brain after accidently watching a soap opera. It is a great insult aimed toward an obnoxious child. Red, irritating, and full of pus, soap operas should generally be avoided.

Rollercoaster

Because life is not terrifying enough, there are roller coasters. They could be a training mechanism to get young children used to the way they will slowly work their way up only to fall hard and fast and get jerked-around the whole time. This is also what your love is like.

Mustard

What can be said about mustard? You didn’t cut it. Even if you wanted to cut it you wouldn’t have cut it because mustard can’t be cut; it’s a liquid. Think about that next time someone says something doesn’t cut the mustard.

Croissant

Because they are actually quite wonderful to eat, the fact that they are flaky, odd-looking, and tasteless, should not be cause to confuse them with politicians who, though also flaky, odd-looking, and tasteless, are something you absolutely do not want in your mouth. Of French origin, like many other silly things, the croissant is best served with butter and preserves. Most politicians, on the other hand, are best served with prison sentences.

Republic

Nobody is quite sure what this actually is but in post-modern times it seems to refer to a type of government where it is pretended that restrictions are placed on government power. This is also a word that just sounds really cool. Roll it around in your mouth a little while: “Republic.” Doesn’t that sound nice? Of course it does.

Snow

Composed of tiny little flakes, this substance appears white but it is a lie. The white appearance is due to refraction of light through several haphazardfully sloped together wet crystals. This sinister deception makes snow a devious thing indeed. Avoid snow at all costs, unless you ski, then just try not to break a leg on it.

Daisy

She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, just not like that, she loves me, she loves three other guys and two women, she loves me, she hates me too, she loves me, I hate myself… Screw daisies.

File

If you do not have one of these on you yet; you are doing something wrong. If you get on a government “do not fly” list you are in good company. Fortunately, the NSA has made sure that there these on everybody. We are pretty sure this is normal because the television tells us it is and makes wry jokes about it; it must be okay.

Referee

This could be a sort of field-judge for a game of soccer but that’s boring so we won’t talk about that. Role playing games also have referees. In Dungeons & Dragons the referee is called the Dungeon Master. I know someone who would automatically get an S&M reference out of that. I spent too much time with this person so I do it now too. What were we talking about?

Eyebrow

These actually have a purpose besides aesthetics though many will never learn first-hand what it is because one must work up a sweat to discover it. The Eyebrow, we each have two of them, can deflect sweat away from one’s eye. It doesn’t always work though: ouch! A secondary use for the eyebrow is to impress women by moving them at carefully chosen tactically significant moments.

Octopus

In many ways as sophisticated of an organism as an human, the octopus is more closely related to a snail than any primate. Intelligent and with discerning eye-sight, the octopus does not have to live as long an human so decisions that affect its future are not a big deal. True friends sometimes seem stuck to one’s face like one of these.

Curl

Doing these with weights can increase muscular strength and endurance. Performed with nachos instead of weights, these have been known to cause diabetes, trouble breathing, and even heart failure. The sort of curl you choose will determine the quality of life your life so choose wisely.

Buoy

These are like lines in the middle of the road but in the water and they are usually just ignored anyway. The float in place, bobbing up and down, but they aren’t your degenerate brother-in-law if that’s what you are thinking. Unlike your degenerate brother-in-law, buoys are quite useful.

Mushroom

If eaten while small this will make one large. If one is already large, eating a mushroom will give one points. This is also an apt description for a flooded studio apartment.

General

To be specific, a General is a top-ranking murderer of a well-organized gang of brain-washed thugs paid to kill, maim, rape, and participate in humanitarian missions. Speaking more generally, general is not very specific. General can be quite vague, not unlike me when I’ve just been asked a very uncomfortable question.

Salon

This is where your wife and girlfriend are right now unless she spends all her money on marijuana. Typically avoided by men, these are playgrounds for the female persuasion. Somehow the salon can make a woman feel pretty. Nobody seems to have the heart to tell them nothing can make them actually look good except proper diet and exercise.

Trade

I don’t eat meat. You and I both have the same packet of military rations. I won’t eat my ham omelette but I can’t live off of one cookie so I trade my omelet for your cookie. You make the trade because, even though you like the cookie, you inexplicably like the nasty omelet more. This has been an example of trade. Global international finance gets a little more complicated.

Referendum

If this sounds like a way of saying something is being done to get someone to shut up, that is probably because that is exactly what it is. If you have no desire to actually DO anything, just sign a referendum. You know what we really need right now? Another referendum because we like to pretend to make things happen.

Insult

Government, money, and corporation are an insult to our intelligence. We love being insulted; we have to. If we didn’t love being insulted then why do we practically beg for it? It should also be mentioned that being insulted is a lot of fun if compared to getting ripped apart by wild dogs.

Pyjamas

These are worn by women and boys under the age of twelve. They appear to be clothing designated specifically for shopping events. Grocery stores are where pyjamas are most commonly worn… Or is that “pajamas?” This explanation fits one of those words.

Panther

These can be back or have orange and black spots. They are never pink yet that is the color of panther the world is obsessed with. There are Pink Panther movies, a Pink Panther cartoon, and even a Pink Panther diamond. If you would like to point out that the movies and cartoon are actually based on the diamond rather than the other way around, don’t bother: that fact doesn’t fit my agenda.

Typewriter

A type writer was once used in the same way we use word processors today. I actually learned how to type on one of these. It isn’t that I’m particularly old either; my Junior High School was too cheap to spring for computers with typing-trainer software. If you get ahold of the right typewriter it can be a great boon to one’s writing experience. If you get ahold of the wrong typewriter, you have a glorified paper-weight.

Sparrow

There is an old sad animated feature staring a sparrow that chooses to help the spirit of a statue instead of flying south for the winter. Basically, the statue was of a prince who, from his new vantage point, could see all of the suffering of poverty of his people. The sparrow was tasked in helping him help the people. Eventually the statue was stripped naked and blind and the sparrow died alone having not made it south in time. I would cry thinking about it but I’m far too manly.

Galvanize

If you want to get people excited about an issue, you are trying to galvanize their support about it. It is also a fancy way of saying you are treating a metal to prevent rust. If we could figure out a way to treat the Bill of Rights so it didn’t rust we might be on to something.

Island

No man is one of these, which is to say that no man grows up from the bottom of the ocean, sticks out above it but, continues to be surrounded by water. Some men would like to believe they are this massive but usually it’s just their egos and insecurities which are that massive. Perhaps women are islands. Certainly nobody ever said they weren’t; it’s not part of the cliché.

Gnome

Not to be confused with gremlins, a gnome is something you might actually want in your yard. Having some may make you the object of ridicule but they won’t be laughing when there is an earthquake and you have plenty of emergency water because you hid it in your several dozen garden statues. They aren’t looking so silly now, are they?

Bubble

This describes the stock market. We are in a lot of trouble folks. Good thing there is always government to save us. After all, it is a well-documented historical fact that government is there to help you out in your time of need and will always love you and care about you. It could be mothers I’m thinking about rather than government but is there really a difference?

Sentry

A fun word meaning “guard,” sentries can be posted in a number of locations to provide for security of a location. Sentry is usually a word used to describe military guards. Mall guards are usually just called rent-a-cops but I would imagine it would be a fun thing for a mall cop to refer to each other as sentry. Sentry just sounds cooler than “guard.”

Hanger

This can be something to hang clothes on or something to repair aircraft in. A long time ago it used to be a twisted piece of wire to hang clothes on but now it is a cheap piece of plastic that doesn’t bend out of shape but breaks easier than a promise made by an establishment politician. The kind for aircraft isn’t much to talk about; it is essentially a great big cheap shed.

Board

Do you keep everything above board? Or do you do some things under the table. Maybe under the table is where you would like to be. It sounds more comfortable than the board. Boards are stiff and hard. Then there is the kind of board, like a board of directors, that consists of a bunch of business criminals deciding amongst each other, usually over golf or hookers, how the resources of the planet should be divided amongst themselves.

Task

Explaining what this word is about is a challenge to be overcome. It is a job trying to illustrate the meaning of “task.” Fundamentally, it takes an effort to achieve the objective of defining this word; it is something that is to be done.

Bullet

It is probably not a good idea to bite one of these. They are made of lead, sometimes with a steel jacket over the lead. If the bullet has a metal jacket you will break your teeth but if it doesn’t you will surly get lead poisoning. So don’t bite the bullet!

Gas

This is a word which is a joke in and of itself. Yes, it could refer to the stuff that people put in their cars and lawnmowers but that isn’t funny and it’s not the first thing we think of is it? No, the first thing we think of when we see the word is farts. Nasty, smelly, despicable farts.

Swimming

This is the act of moving through water by virtue of one’s own propulsion. There are many different styles but the most fun sounding has to be the “breast stroke.” Add a “ly” at the end and you get something that doesn’t describe how things are going geo-politically across the globe right now. .

China

China is what some people refer to they’re nice dishes as. It is also a country which currently produces all of the cheap garbage that Americans like to buy. A thousand and one things can be said about China but who wants to talk about that sort of thing all day?

Voting

If it could actually change anything it would be illegal. It doesn’t so it’s not. What else can be said for voting? It is that thing you do when you want to feel like you have a choice in what goes on in society. If your only choices are between two Goldman Sachs funded candidates you might as well stay home and watch the fireworks as the bankers loot the country over and over again.

Sheet

A very flat word because it describes flatness - that and thinness. A sheet is flat and thin not unlike the credibility of the corporate-owned news media. Thinking of a gymnast joke at this time is inappropriate so you should be ashamed of yourself.

Relative

Some say that everything is relative. Some say silly things. The speed of light isn’t relative; it’s a constant. Morality isn’t relative, this has been proven using the Socratic method time and time again. Then there is my favorite quote from Star Wars that says something like, “only the Sith deal in absolutes.” Is that so? The word “only” sounds pretty absolute. Perhaps Obi wan Kenobe was trying to tell us something we didn’t know about him.

Calculator

Something which performs calculations can be referred to as a calculator. There is nothing interesting about this unless you have a fetish for numbers. One woman loved her calculator so much she married it, or at least that’s what they tell me.

Pride

It cometh before the fall.

Spacestation

This is a pretty weird word, when one really takes the time to think it over. A “space” station? Where else would a station be except in space? There must be available space to occupy before a station can be built. The word probably means “outer-space station” but then it would take too long to say. Maybe we should just call them what they are: orbital research platforms.

Birthday

This is a day when you entitled to do whatever you want. It is not a day where you are sheltered from the consequences of doing whatever you want. In other words, it’s just like any other day except it commemorates they day you were squeezed out of your mother.

Curtain

These usually come in sets. Let her choose the curtains; it’s best that way.

Tower

These are buildings characterized by an emphasis on height. If they were built with an emphasis on width they would be bridges not towers. They have been used for surveillance, imprisonment, and even wizardry. A few of them were also, in recent history, destroyed to make an entire nation lose its fricking mind.

Market

People keep saying the “market” but we’re not sure the word means what they think it means. Essentially, if you have buyers and sellers of a product and service you have a market. Expand this to all markets you get THE market which is said to have an invisible hand. There is nothing creepy about an invisible hand.

Invention

Invention is where someone honestly believes they were the first to design something and produce a prototype. What people need to realize is that there is nothing new under the sun. It’s all been done before; usually on an episode of the Simpsons.

Colour

This is a fancy way of saying “color.” It’s probably one of those French words “borrowed” by the English language. If it was just part of the language as a loan until we found a word of our own then perhaps it’s time to return it.

Poverty

This is where people become dependent on an economic system they have no hope of prospering within. Many attempts have been made to combat poverty. In fact there is a “War on Poverty.” The funny thing about declaring war on a problem instead of solving it: it gets worse and more profitable; funny how that works.

Stain

My heart and head are full of these. Some say a stain adds character. This is absolutely true: they add the character of a hobo.

Tomb

Most of us are burned and scattered, kept in an urn, or embalmed and buried in the ground. If you were really special, which is to say you had even more ego than you had money, you are interred into a tomb. Tombs are great fun for parties after dark.

Shadow

A shadow isn’t actually a thing. We don’t think about it much but it isn’t. What a shadow is is a reduction or absence of light.

Muscle

It takes more than this to make a man.

Practice

I had a band teacher that once said that practice doesn’t make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect. I apply this principal to my procrastination habits which, it turns out, is what I’m best at.

Brakes

These are what you use when you see a sexy hitchhiker in a mini-skirt. If you see a scary hitchhiker wielding an axe the accelerator pedal should be used instead.

Desert

Characterized by a relatively low amount of annual precipitation, this is not to be confused with “dessert” which is much tastier.

Leg

If you don’t have at least one of these and a couple arms people may start calling you Bob.

Parlour

This word was probably borrowed from French to make an ordinary room sound extraordinary. Look: it’s just a fricking room, okay?

Handkerchief

If you are going to “accidently” leave one of these lying around to entice a suitor to seek you out, please make sure it is not completely covered with snot.

Prank

These sound like a lot of fun but they tend to get out of control leading to hurt feelings, injuries, and sometimes even death. There is even a video floating around on the web showing a woman getting hit by a car as a result of a practical joke gone terribly wrong. Look it up if you are inclined to view it but beware: once something has been seen , it cannot be unseen.

Politician

A sort of professional liar that seeks out positions of authority to further his or her own ambitious at the expense of the people, the politician is a sinister beast.

Noun

A person, person, place, thing, or idea is a noun. Nouns are pretty boring by themselves. When teamed up with a verb they can be very exciting but otherwise they just sit around and watch Opera Windfrey and soap opera reruns all day.

Headline

Oftentimes, this is the only part of a news story I bother to read. They are supposed to be catchy and descriptive but sometimes they are just easily ignored words at the top of an article.

Staple

This could refer to little metal objects used to fasten pieces of paper together. It also refers to certain items which are essential to survival. Beer, for example, is a staple.

Lodger

If you have a room in a boarding house or whatnot, you are a lodger. This should not be confused with a logger who is a man who stirs his coffee with his thumb.

Empire

These consist of a conquering force and a number of subjugated peoples. It used to refer to cases involving a totalitarian dictator but now it usually just refers to the United States and the United Kingdom.

Boxing

This is a sport that involves getting hit in the head repeatedly so it isn’t a great career move for anyone who values their brain. It is quite exciting though.

Divorce

Over seventy percent of all women apply for one of these. It used to be hard to get a divorce even if there was serious abuse and infidelity. Now it happens because one or more party is “unhappy.” Boo hoo.

Satellite

Have you ever experienced a situation where someone hovered around you and followed you everywhere you went? This person could be referred to as a satellite. It could also be referred to as your jealous ex-boyfriend.

Flywheel

A flywheel is a cog which is a sort of wheel. However, they don’t fly unless you throw one at someone you don’t like.

Stream

Streams are small rivers. Rivers are large streams. Sometimes streams are called creeks. Creeks are usually pronounced “crick.”

Knife

One of the most basic of tools, this is what heart-break feels like.

Passion

This can be either good or bad. Sure passion sounds nice… until your being passionately yelled at.

Fork

Which path to choose? You could take the one marked “beware of leopard” or you could be a wuss and take the other one.

Stampede

You may get caught up in one of these if you get involved in Black Friday sales. Helpful tip: the best sales are after Christmas. Friends don’t let friends get trampled by a bunch of rabid consumers.

Brass

This is what your gonads need to be made of when entering into a relationship.

Lawyer

These don’t currently exist. What we currently have are attorneys. I don’t know what the difference is but I hear it is significant.

Messenger

They say don’t kill the messenger but if the news is particularly bad it might make you feel better for a minute.

Wine

Wine is fine. Whine is crime. Drink the one; keep the other for yourself.

Shirt

Sometimes, the shirt on your back is the only thing you are left with. This is especially true if you have no principles or self-respect.

Cousin

All the global elite are these. Every single president of the United States, save possibly one, are cousins to the British royal family. What an odd coincidence!

Butter

Essentially milk fat, yet it is somehow a compliment to say someone is like it.

Digging

If you find yourself doing this because you think your significant other might be up to something, you might have a problem on your hands.

Satan

Written with a lower-case “s,” it means “adversary.” Written with an upper-case “S,” it is a guy with a forked tongue, cloved hooves, and the disposition of a used car dealer.

Cave

Sometimes, I’d like to find one of these to hide in… especially after I say or do something stupid.

Flashbulb

If you are old enough to remember what one of these are, you probably have gray hair and crow’s feet.

Laugh

Involuntary physical reaction instigated by another person’s actions. In this way it isn’t entirely unlike an orgasm.

Milkshake

This brings all the boys to the yard. Damn right, it’s better than yours.

Committee

If all bills, save a few good ones, all got stuck in committee so never became laws, likely we would all be better off.

Quail

Ask Dick Chenney. Hopefully he’s figured out the difference between one of these and a friend’s face by now.

Apetite

I just lost mine.

Perfume

Perfume is a noxious headache causing substance that some people think actually smells good.

Donkey

When you cross one of these with a horse you get a mule (ass). They make great pack animals and have been known to put on great shows… No I haven’t seen one. Why are you laughing right now?

Roses

By any other name, will still prick your finger and make you bleed.

Slipper

This is a shoe when you need shoes but don’t want to actually spend any time putting them on.

Basket

These are usually woven and used to carry things. It’s not the basket itself but what’s in it that counts. I would like to by a basket full of happiness.

Cruise Ship

It is an ocean going vessel used to transport a bunch of obnoxious tourists.

Juice

Why is apple juice America’s favorite juice? That’s easy: everyone knows OJ will kill you.

Spike

This is what you do to the punch bowl to make things interesting.

Plaster

By itself, it is a white substance used in construction. With an “ed” at the end it is what happens to you when you drink way too much.

Value

Usually pretty subjective, a thing has value if it has value to you. I value Indian food myself.

Briefcase

As opposed to verbosecase.

Guide

These explain how to do something. I’d like a guide explaining how to get over my ex-girlfriend.

Termite

These will take over the world one day.

Scarf

As a noun, it is a silly article of clothing. As a verb it is what you do with a gourmet pizza.

Baboon

With a great big red posterior, the baboon is one of the human’s closest relatives. Legend has it they were trained to rip people’s heads off during war times.

Pottery

Made of clay, these used to be vital to society providing storage and decoration which had not yet been provided by other articles. Now that we have cancer-causing plastic bottles these have become less important.

Cape

There is the kind you wear and the kind which was a coastline feature. Exactly how the same word became used for two entirely different things is anyone’s guess. Me: I blame Superman.

Speaker

This is you if you are talking. Try not to get blown out.

Spinach

This is a popular slang word meaning “marijuana.” It is also the name of a leafy green vegetable but that isn’t as interesting.

Laser

Light Amplification through Stimulated Emissions of Radiation is what the acronym laser represents. These can cause glaucoma and drive cats and dogs crazy.

Golf

Golf involves following around a little ball to hit it repeatedly until it lands in a designated hole. It is a lot more fun and challenging than it sounds.

Dice

Comedian popular in the nineties who doesn’t seem all that controversial anymore.

Padlock

This is a lock, not for your pad, but for your locker. Apparently lockerlocker just sounds stupid so they came up with the word padlock instead.

Nib

This is a cute little thing, not unlike my ex-girlfriend who hates me because I’m a jerk.

Frame

This is an underlying structure that lends stability to a form. It is also the word used when the police plant drugs on you just so they can make an arrest or simply because they don’t like you.

Joint

It could be a happening joint. It could be a seedy joint. It could be a really fun joint which you absolutely shouldn’t smoke unless you have your act together.

Binder

These handy devices can hold each paper you have written pornographic stories. It keeps them organized so they don’t look like trash until you read them.

Lamp

Lighting the way for thousands of years, the lamp has many forms. The most interesting forms have genies in them. Just remember: if you find a genie, whatever you do, do not wish for wealth for yourself. Instead, wish for wealth for me.

Bridge

These are used to help traverse terrain that would otherwise require a canoe or mountain climbing equipment to cross. What we really need is a bridge to a sane future. If we can’t find one, we need to build one.

Oath

Why do we do this? If we intend on behaving a certain way is simply saying so not enough? Perhaps it is a form of black magic I have yet to understand.

Wood

All joking aside, this is the meaty portion of plants particularly trees. Now that we have cancer causing, dolphin killing petroleum based plastics this isn’t used as much in its raw form. Wood is still pulped to create paper because the efficacy of hemp would make too much sense to implement.

Seasick

At a glance this might be thought to be like the word “homesick” so might mean that one misses the ocean. It doesn’t. It is nothing more than motion sickness; boring!

Soup

This miraculous substance can be eaten by drinking it. It is possibly the only liquid which is considered a food. It is also the only thing I have in my cupboards right now.

Election

This is where the elite let the masses think they actually have a say with what goes on geopolitically. It is quite amusingly circuslike.

Shape

This is something I am out of. Maybe one day I’ll get back into it. I just have to get around to it.

Snake

The oil from these magical beasts can cure any ailment… Just kidding; they are just legless reptiles that creep women out.

Remote Control

This is something which always seems to be missing. When is the industry going to put pagers in these things standard? The answer is, of course: never. We will have standard hand-waving and or voice-activated systems long before it ever happens.

T-shirt

Mine has a big spiral shape on the front and text which reads, “you are getting sleepy.” T-shirts are fun, aren’t they?

Arch

This is one of the many things which serve as a constant reminder that my ex-girlfriend isn’t around because I’m a jerk.

Horsepower

Used as a measure of energy use, it has almost nothing to do with horses. It sounds tough though so we still use the term. The coolness factor cannot be denied.

Tractor

Don’t get caught dead on one of these without a pair of coveralls and a John Deere hat.

Circus

It’s all a circus, isn’t it? The whole world is one gigantic freak-show complete with spectators, wild animals, and a bunch of clowns.

Bar

This is another one of these words that have multiple definitions but we know which one you’re interested in; the kind with the alcohol am I right?

Prize

This is what my ex-girlfriend deserves for putting up with me for years.

Parity

Much better than the original; always.

Widow

The word widow brings up an interesting dilemma for older single men. If she’s married and leaves her husband she might do the same to you. If she has always been single then maybe she’s not relationship material. If she is divorced, who filed? Did she file? If so she might file on you. Did he file? If so: why? What is wrong with this one? Now if she is a WIDOW, one cannot help but assume she may have something to do with his death and you could be next. I’m just chock-full of optimistic things to say, am I not?

Hobby

Having one of these is supposed to be healthy. Having time for one of these would be divine.

Bottle

What I often have in my hand since my girlfriend left me.

Hospital

This is where people go to die. Sometimes they make it out alive despite the medical industry’s best efforts.

Knitting

This is something my ex-girlfriend was really good at. I miss having her sitting around making blankets and other things. Maybe I shouldn’t have called her all those expletives.

Bed

Mine is currently only in use by one person… because my girlfriend left me because I’m a jerk.

Mill

These can ground grain into flour. Older one’s also make great haunted houses.

Uniform

Worshiped by civilians like a god, the uniform has an odd psychological effect on people; particularly females.

Breeze

I’d like to say that writing articles for Devtome is one of these but that might be stretching things a bit.

Orange

There is, apparently, no other word that rhymes with this one. There are “slant” rhymes but we don’t use those because they sound racist against Asians.

Toilet Paper

Despite the name, this material isn’t for your toilet; it’s for your behind. It is also what my writing would be good for if it were printed out.

Spirit

This poetic term captivates the imagination of even Atheists. Anyone, who speaks fluent English, understand what you mean, or should, when you say things like “spirit of liberty.” The spirit of justice has yet to be found.

Spaghetti

In teen living class in Junior High, it was recommended to avoid spaghetti dinners for a first date because it’s messy and can cause embarrassment. As an adult, I would highly recommend it for a first date for exactly the same reason.

Creation

Is creation always a matter of recombination or is real creation something much more different and mystical? Who cares right? Where’s my beer?

Hair

This is something older men would like to have on their head but instead find it growing out of their ears.

Sailor

These are men (or women) who work aboard ocean going vessels. They’re not soldiers so they’re silly and don’t matter.

Research

This is something I did very little of when creating this article. Why do research when you already know everything?

Cellar

It is sort of a basement where food like wine is stored. Some people have sex slaves and dead human bodies in theirs. Those people should probably be avoided.

Boxing Gloves

This is an invention which ensures that one must be hit repeatedly before losing consciousness. Why limit the beauty of significant brain and spinal damage by using thin leather gloves instead? It would make for shorter matches to be sure.

Prairie

There is a little house on it.

Network

This describes a phenomenon where people or things are linked together somehow forming a sort of an integrated matrix. That definition wasn’t that boring; wake up!

Coffee

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had a couple cups of this.

Neck

This is the guillotine’s favorite part of the human anatomy.

Glasses

Pornographic actresses have been wearing these with greater frequency these days. I don’t know this from personal experience, mind you. It is just something I’ve heard.

Bowl

Some people put soup in these but a mug works just as well. This is also a slang word for marijuana, but you already knew that didn’t you?

Tonic

What my ex-girlfriend was to my soul, before I lost her because she came to her senses.

Artillery

Why limit military weaponry to just rifles? To create the most chaos, death, and destruction artillery is needed.

Hand

One bird in one of these is worth more than two in a bush. It is also my new girlfriend.

Spanner

This is a tool… just like me.

Music

This left my life along with my girlfriend.

Pastry

You love them so much you bought an extra sized pair of pants to make room.

Giant

Incredible size is sometimes described as “giant.” A beagle’s appetite can only be describes as such.

Pail

Are you okay? You don’t look so good.

Leisure

If it can’t be described as work, it can be described as leisure. If you get enough leisure time then you are unemployed.

Fight

Sometimes you should just give up.

Corpse

Dead bodies can be remarkably useful for the purposes of chemical extraction but instead we usually just burn or burry them. Wasteful. Tasteful… but wasteful.

Class

This is something the poor and middle-class do not have. According to Jim Davis’ Garfield, pride is the middle-class substitute for it.

Compass

If you need to get your bearings… quit spinning around in circles wearing a blindfold!

Tunnel

This is space in the ground which allows movement from one point to another. If you had any idea how many secret ones are underneath your home town… BAM! Your mind would be blown.

Safe

If you feel safe you may not be safe and if you are safe you may not feel safe. It should always come first, besides integrity, but rarely is observed. How more people don’t end up becoming Darwin Award candidates is astounding.

Nile

De Nile is a river in Egypt. Denial; not so much.

Flea

These were invented by the creator on the off chance that you, your pets, and your whole family will get them at some future date because he doesn’t like you.

Morals

In the archaic this just means “moores” which just means “habits,” essentially. We all have them until we realize we won’t get any sex with them in the way. Just a joke people: relax.

Wheelbarrow

If you need to barrow something, this handy device has wheels to facilitate that exchange. It’s one of the few things whose name actually makes sense.

Skateboard

At some point, someone decided putting wheels on the bottom of a board would be a great idea. Someone probably died from a spinal injury.

Cannon

This can blow you away in more ways than one. It is a weapon of war but it can also be official literature for a religion

Shoehorn

You want one with teeth; because you know there’s no such thing. (They Might Be Giants)

Spine

I will be alright as soon as I find one of these.

Barrier

It can prevent you from moving on but with the right mindset they can become stepping stools.

Kangaroo

Does anything need to be said about this? Even the word “kangaroo” is Hilarious!

Aroma

Like flavors for the nose, aromas fill the air with the scents of flowers and that sweaty tattooed gutter punk. Some of them make your nose smile; others make it try to hide up in your cranium.

Crisp

This is a fun food word. It is not so fun if used to describe your skin texture after a day at the beach.

Trousers

Americans call these pants. In Britain, apparently, pants means panties. In America trousers means you’re British.

Stew

If you throw a bunch of random food objects in a pot and cook it, you call it a stew. Calling it a stew is much more efficient. When offering your guests some stew next time, offer them some “random pot-cooked food objects.”

String

Though string generally refers to a mundane object used to tie things up and whatnot, it also finds its way into the color of everyday language. The guy you are dating is stringing you along. You are coming down from drugs so you’re strung-out. No I’m not giving you any money; quit trying to tug at my heart strings. Did you know that some premium violin strings are made from cats? It’s ironic really; the cat gets turned into its mortal enemy.

Tsunami

I don’t think anyone will think of this word in the same abstract way since the Fukushima disaster. THAT was a Tsunami. Was it ever!

Sponge

After Spongebob, I don’t think anyone will think of the word sponge in the same non-abstract way ever again. Squidwart would not be pleased.

Dinner

This is a meal that Americans eat in the evening but Europeans eat in the middle of the day. The word supper has fallen out of use in the United States but if it were still used it would describe what Europeans eat at night. Now don’t you feel sophisticated?

Pepper

Some of these fruit are wasted to make self-defense weapons. Don’t people know that stuff belongs in food?

Sand

Sand is a grainy form of silica. Silica makes up the majority of the planet earth. It can be melted and then cooled into glass. Just don’t get any in your trousers.

Mat

Short for Mathew, this is a terrible name for a child. Think about it for a moment. Are the parents training him for his future career involving doorways?

Kiss

This is something I will never again get from my ex-girlfriend because I was a jerk so she left me.

Tent

A really big fancy one designated to house a particular religious artifact is called a tabernacle. No matter how big and important a tent is, doesn’t the word tabernacle sound a bit melodramatic.

Well

Well well well… what do we have here? The word “well?” Well then, make a wish and throw devcoin at my devcoin address because it’s like a wishing well.

Carriage

These used to be drawn by horses but now they’re called cars. Why don’t we call them motor carriages? It’s sound pretty cool, right? Perhaps it’s time for a revival of the term. Next time you offer someone a ride, don’t offer them a ride in your car; offer them a ride in your motor carriage. Interestingly, if you squish the two words together, dropping the “c” and everything after the “m,” you get the word marriage which is no good as a means of transportation at all.

Submarine

Etymologically, this sounds like an underwater marine which is a soldier assigned to the navy. Can you imagine a giant underwater marine shooting torpedoes out of his nostrils? That would be too cool.

Arthritis

Start filtering fluoride out of your water. It’s not a guaranteed cure but it can’t hurt you.

Nail Varnish

This is varnish for nails. It’s kinda like paint but shinier. Don’t let your seven year old daughter play with this, especially not on your new bed spread.

Ink

When walking down a dangerous street it’s important to look confident. Avoid looking like a target. Even then there are some neighborhoods which should be avoided anyway. A drill sergeant once told me that, though he recommend we not walk around in Harlem at night, he can because “ink runs everywhere.”

Fairy Tale

The American Dream is an example of this. Have you seen the American Dream film yet? You should.

Salt

Salts are compounds composed on an ionic element and a metal. I’m an ironic element and I like metal.

Grade

Did you make it? How steep is it? These are grade A examples.

Applause

This is something you do to show you’re happy the “performance” is finally over.

Aid

Render this in the United States and get sued. Fail to render it in Europe and get arrested. We really are that backward.

Crown

A crow is psychological trickery. There are those who know how to tap into one’s primordial sensibilities and exploit them. A crown is a symbol of the Sun which is a popular symbol for a ruling deity.

Flag

If you drop the “l” from this word you get an exotic word meaning “cigarette.” Think about that for a moment.

Offer

I am not currently offering for you to send devcoin to my tip address because you’re entertained and you know it.

Chocolate

This was the “drink of the gods” in Mesoamerica. Europeans added sugar and milk to it… of course. Diana Troi from Star Trek Next Generation uses it as an anti-depressant. Interestingly, chocolate does contain chemicals which can act as an anti-depressant so why do I feel like crap after eating too much? I suspect the sugar is the culprit and we can thank the Europeans for getting us all hooked on milk chocolate.

Slot Machine

How do people actually get entertained by these things? When I’ve been in casinos, everybody at the slots reminded me of a science fiction scenario where a bunch of laboratory monkeys are all being subjected to some simplistic boring yet disturbing pavlovian experiment.

Conference

You may have been to one of these but have you watched or listened to them? I’ll explain: the LDS Church has what they call “general conferences” which are broadcast and recorded to the world. All members are expected to listen. My experience is that the Prophets and such do say things which sound quite sensible but somehow they manage to say them in a way that, to me, is about as inspiring as a piece of dry unbuttered toast.

Parades

Even as a child I hated them.

Summit

Whether it be the pinnacle of a mountain or the utmost of success, the word summit indicates the upper most part of a thing or idea. Avoid getting this mixed up with the words “sum it” as in “sum it up.” Doing so could prove to be quite embarrassing.

Fish

If you wish to be one of these you might regret it. Obscure reference?

Bus Station

For some reason this term carries with it a cloud of depression. Perhaps it’s all of the depressing drifters you will tend to find in these places. Fortunately they’re usually well lit.

Fleet

A large number of vehicles belonging to a certain organization is a fleet. It is also how your feet should be if her husband gets home unexpectedly.

Microphone

As opposed to a “maxiphone?”

Onion

This online magazine is funny. It’s also the work of the devil.

Order

Stop reading this and look up one of my articles that actually have some value in supporting liberty; that’s an order!

Pincer

This always makes me think of giant crabs; maybe because of that B-grade Sinbad movie.

Manners

Teach your children these, would ya please?

Card

If you are funny, you could be called on of these. If things work out a certain way, some would say that it was “in the cards.” Some people play too many table-top games.

Chisel

When a sculptor sees an eagle in a stone, this tool can be used to remove all of the parts that aren’t an Eagle.

Interlude

This would be good time to go to the bathroom.

Coach

Someone too old and out of shape to play coaches.

Rhythm

Is what I’ve been trying to achieve while writing this article with some marginal success.

Title

This can simply be the name of a written work or it can be a document proving ownership of a house or vehicle. If someone is hideously pompous, they may have you say one of these before their name.

Denim

Denim is a durable cotton fabric which, historically, was made out of hemp and even more durable.

Breakfast

Literally means “break the fast.” What meal did Gandhi consume after being released from detention? The answer: breakfast.

Gate

When this is found to be open we are prompted to ask the age-old question of profound importance, “Who let the dogs out?”

Catastrophe

It’s not a car; it’s a Volkswagon. It’s not a dog; it’s a German Shepard. It’s not a disaster; it’s a full-blown hideous catastrophe.

Hope

Sometimes this is all you have. I hope that you have more than just hope; I hope you have hope that will be realized. Just kidding; I don’t like you much.

Punishment

If reading this isn’t punishment enough, try writing it.

Profit

Don’t confuse this word with “prophet.” The difference is that, while prophets see the future, with the right attitude, profits will be yours.

Heretic

Any challenge to an established system of control used to get one branded as one of these. Now often used as a badge of honor, the term doesn’t have the same quality it used to.

Bee

If we kill all of these with pesticides and GMO crops, we are sure to follow. Sleep well tonight!

Witch

If she floats she’s a witch so burn her. If she sinks and drowns she wasn’t a witch. As bizarre as this sort of trial is, sometimes it’s still more sensible than the current United States criminal justice system.

Porridge

My daughter likes corn porridge. It’s essentially just wet corn meal. Sometimes children’s bland taste can make meal preparation significantly less complicated.

Ears

Hopefully, for your benefit and everybody else’s, there is something in between these.

Neon Light

The signs we are currently living in a nanny-style police state are brighter than one of these.

Misnomer

This describes pretty much every description of every word covered in these “explain everything” lists.

Curry

Should you curry the favor of an Indian chef to the end of marriage, your stomach will love you for life.

Corporation

Corporations are people. Humans are commodities. It must be true because the establishment says so.

Turtle

All of the world rests on the back of one of these. Underneath the turtle, is an elephant? What is the elephant standing on? You can’t fool me; it’s elephants all the way down.

Consumer

This is what the current economic paradigm relies on. This means that our collective prosperity is dependent on undisciplined uncontrolled spending. Nobody is sure why we have allowed banks to put the entire planet in debt. We shouldn’t wonder.

Prison

What some would like to turn the whole world into. This is also what you feel like when you are in a romantic relationship with the author of this article. You will likely make a break for it. Luckily for you, I’m not a very good corrections officer.

Snail

A real economy moves along like one of these. Under fractional reserve banking, the economy moves along like a meth-addicted chipmunk on crack cocaine; things tend to go just as well long term.

Mistake

According to my parents, I’m one of these. Remember: 90% of all people are caused by accidents. Drive safely and wear a condom!

Berry

These are great with angel food cake with whipped cream. Excuse me for a moment…

Reciept

In a courtroom, if you don’t have one of these it didn’t happen.

Sow

It’s what we reap. It’s also the part of home economics class I barely passed. My ex-girlfriend was great at this. Oops!

Frog

According to Douglas Adams, if you receive too much of a truth-telling serum and then are asked to tell the “whole truth,” you will laugh and never think the same way about these slimy amphibians ever again.

Diary

A great gift for a loved one you would like to one day blackmail.

Boots

When these are on the ground, word gets around.

Runway

When landing an airplane, it’s generally recommended to use one of these. Bushes, lakes, and houses; probably not good choices for landing maneuvers.

Cottage

A cute little house, no matter how big or how small, is still a man’s castle… or at least it was over an hundred years ago. Now it’s a liability and will likely go to one’s ex-wife anyway.

Draw

Sometimes you can just tell me. Other times I need you to draw me a picture. If I’m really confused, draw me a map.

Telescope

Designed, produced, and marketed under the pretense they are to be used to watch heavenly bodies. This is exactly what they’re used for: watching heavenly bodies through the windows of the apartment building on the hill.

Bush

Fun fact! This is the fifth time the word bush has been mentioned in this article: bush. We have it!

Park

This is what few people seem to know how to do in parallel fashion. It’s what you do with your behind when placed in a seat.

Sunglasses

Supposedly used as a protection from the sun, they are really just an excuse for that one women to stare at people without their knowledge. You know who I’m talking about; you’ve seen her. I wonder if she will ever realize that it doesn’t work? We can still tell.

Court

Games are played on one of these. They are full of lawyers and other miscreants. There are also kinds that involve sports. Add the word “ship” at the end of this word you have the beginning of an interesting adventure. Be advised: adventure is another word for trouble.

Exam

It means to look at or to test. I am examining the possibilities of career opportunities as a Swedish bikini model oil-up boy.

Dance

You do this around the issue when backed into the corner. If you do this over someone’s grave, the person still wields power over you even after death. You’ve been advised.

Wire

Being what coat hangers used to be made of, it is a spare key for older cars. Unlike members of the opposite sex, these should not be touched when live.

Picture

It isn’t pretty but it needs to be seen. Let me paint one for you: the United States Empire, along with the rest of the western world, is in the same stage of life as tomato plant in late fall whose fruits have already either frozen or have fallen off so are rotting on the ground. We’re in a lot of trouble folks! Look around, see what’s going on, take appropriate action, and try to stay positive!

Mellon

This and a baller and you have one of the essential ingredients to a fantastic fruit salad. Now go make me one. I like cottage cheese with mine. Thank you.

Barrel

Learning the basics of the philosophy of liberty is like one of these.

Beach

This is like a desert but much more popular among tourists.

Dish

This is what I usually put off cleaning until the house is full of flies.

Giraffe

These don’t wear turtlenecks for financial reasons.

Ladder

Don’t walk under one of these or you might have bad luck… that and it’s just unsafe and stupid walking under ladders; just go around. Jacobs Ladder = must see movie.

Diver

So often, we are defined by what we do. In this case, we are defined by our propensity to immerse oneself completely in water instead of staying on a perfectly warm, dry, sea-worthy boat.

Merit

If something has one of these, you have judged the thing to have some value. Flies, or all their disease-spreading nastiness, have merit because their larva can be used to treat gangrene… true fact!

Shop

Any permanent structure where the primary purpose is to sell products can be called one of these. Mechanic workplaces are also called this. As a verb, this is something women like to do for clothes and men like to do with electronics. Somehow these tendencies are hard-wired into us.

Bullfight

Quit playing with your food!

Advertising

This is the art of telling people what they want and need because they can’t determine that without your help.

Stone

The goal of the population control agenda is actually carved in this. Apparently, any more than five hundred million people world-wide is considered too many. Keep in mind that the United States, by itself, harbors more than half this number of humans. Some countries have over twice this number. Please research “Georgia Guide Stones” for additional information.

Fur

This material grows on living mammals. Some people believe it looks better on them than the creature it belonged to originally. Some people look macabre; they’re covered in carcasses. Somehow, we find this to be extraordinarily sexy when done in a “cave-girl” manner. Something is very wrong with us.

False Teeth

These are actually prettier and more durable than natural teeth. The downside is that they can be lost more easily which has to be a bummer.

Beetle

There are more different species of these than there are any other kind of insect. Some are classified along with the scarab which has been associated with both good luck and death. This makes sense after standing in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles for several hours. Exactly whose death would be good luck, yours or that of everybody ahead of you in line, is a matter of personal choice.

Downtime

If you’re like me you take too much of this and then don’t get around to taking out the trash.

Envelope

These handy pieces of folded paper glued together is used to store and transport other folded pieces of paper. In the future, perhaps this explanation will be necessary. Certainly, that’s what we keep being promised but with each and every new invention we end up with MORE paperwork. Computers were supposed to eliminate this need yet, instead, started being used, almost immediately, to produce more of the stuff. For the time being, the envelope will remain in demand.

Comic

Comic is a word for a comedian or a short graphic story. It is also comic some of the things people will believe when told by some sort of “authority” or “expert.”

Blister

Wear shoes that fit or you will get one of these on your foot. Watch too much television and you will get one of these on your mind.

Umbrella

In the Netherlands this is a must especially during the summer. Oddly, these can also come in hand in Death Valley California. It is also what drives me crazy when my daughter insists on opening it in the house.

Moth

One of these plus a candle equals: yuk!

Creature

A thing which lives. George Carlin suggested stepping out of oneself while observing a sleeping human, “shhh! The creature is regenerating.” If you really think about it, sleeping is pretty weird.

Parking Meter

The Urban driver’s mortal enemy, these are justified as needed to cover maintenance costs. What taxes are used for we aren’t certain.

Curlers

These are used by females, along with facial peals, to deter males from coming to their homes.

Screen

What I’m getting really sick of staring at right about now. You are too. Go take a walk in the part. Go hug your kids. Go on! Get outta here!

Policeman

Euphemistic phrase referring to policy enforcers for the wealthy investment class that rules over everybody from behind a cloak of secrecy.

Kid

Baby goats or human children, the smile from one of these makes everything worthwhile… because goats don’t have lips it would be AMAZING!

Seagull

Named after their proclivity to congregate around bodies of water, seagulls are equally drawn to garbage dumps. What’s really important though: when one flies over do NOT look up especially with your mouth open. Some of us find this out the hard way.

Hazard

Examples include GMO, pesticides, automobiles, and daytime television programming.

Teacher

Leave those kids alone! You’re supposed to be paying attention to the children not those baby goats. We know they are amusing but sheesh!

Tray

These are used to shuttle food across cafeteria lines. They are also fun things to hit your buddy over the head with. They don’t cause much damage but the sound is worth hearing.

University

This profit-based institution attempts to claim ownership of human knowledge and thought. Don’t tell them about the internet or they might feel threatened.

Cider

Usually made from apples, this can be served hot or cold… much like revenge.

User Experience

Do we really need to sensationalize EVERYHTHING?

Fairy

One commonplace, they went to war with the sprites resulting in mutual extinction. That is why they are no longer around despite evidence, found in orally passed-down historical narratives called “tales.” This story you have just read is still more believable than the official narrative about the World Trade Center attacks.

Sermon

Some people tune into Alex Jones for news but sometimes they get one of these instead… that and marketing messages.

Mite

Tiny insects known to irritate the ears of overly bred tiny dogs, mites are barely visible to the human mind. The truth is like that sometimes.

Scallop

Water dwelling creature which is great in stew… or so I’m told; I don’t eat things that I cannot positively identify.


After Action Review: I found this exercise to be marginally successful. A decent pace was achieved and some of the piece may actually be somewhat entertaining. I suspect that, if someone is ambitious enough to read this all the way through, they will find a few parts here and there that make them chuckle. I think there is a great deal of room for improvement so I may attempt this again.


Devtome


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