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why does this keep FUCKING happening? •July 23, 2009 Everytime I meet a girl I am attracted to and have enough in common to think there is potential for a relationship, they “have a boyfriend” or abandon me and end up with one. If you are not emotionally available, PLEASE!!!!…Don’t agree to stay over.

Ellen – you’re an awesome girl, please don’t do this to another guy. when you leave I will miss you for weeks, maybe months and that is not fair. Neither is life but you can’t avoid life; you can avoid this.

I’m getting caught liking this girl •July 26, 2008 There’s a new girl at station who gorgeous and she gives me the time of day! She even said I am hilarious. God, she’s so gorgeous. She works the shift after mine and I have found myself more and more only thinking about seeing her as I get off work. I think people are starting to notice I am in the garage or sitting in the station (where ever she is) too coincidentally, to be by her. I’m scared! But I am in lust! What do I do? Word gets around quick here and when gossip happens the ‘victim’ never hears the end of it. I’m afraid to ask her out because of that. FUCK! I see myself as one of the LEAST eligible bachelors for her but that might be my insecurity with girls taking over. What do I have to offer? I’ll probably never do anything and watch her get swepped away (she could already be taken for all I know).

Waiting to discover an infommercial for “insta-growsomeballs”

This job kills my self-esteem sometimes •May 20, 2008 • 1 Comment Just now we brought a patient into an ER. Afterwards I took a piss and when I came out a tech says “Everything come OK?” Playing along I say - “*Hesitates* ehhhh I might I need to stay a little while…get checked out..” “I’ll have to put a foley catheter in…I don’t know if you’d want to!” “oh..I would love that!” “OK, I’ll order a pediatric one for you!” “Awesome!”

My thought was “pediatric = smaller, he’s being nice cuz it wouldn’t hurt as bad” but after I responded I realized he was making fun of me, assuming I had a small dick. What an ass (and I made a fool of myself in front of the whole ER staff).

Then earlier, again dropping someone off in another ER, I see a fireman I went to medic school with. One of them who got caught cheating, I believe, mind you. He ignored me until I saw him in the medic rooom (they called me Jesus in class)… “Jesus!” “Hey, what’s up, did you goto the EMS BBQ today?” “Yeah, did you show up late to it?” (I was always late to class). “*in sarcastic tone* Of course, I have to! I was late all the time because I was always studying before class!” “You retaking medic school?” (implying I wasn’t smart enough to pass). Then another FF from his department pointed at my medic patch and said “well, he’s got the patch right there…” in my defense. “Are you kidding? I passed with flying colors!” (Couldn’t think of anything better – I have a lack of wit).

Made fun of 2 times in one shift – do I set myself up?

Felt like shit during shift •April 10, 2008 I typed the following on my phone during work, I did not proofread it:

I feel like I’m slowly drifting towards obvlivion. What keeps me together? Sex and video games. How is that keeping me together? I’m fucking fat ugly bitches and escorts. My addiction has switched to sex and drugs. I don’t know if I’m even really an addict. Everything points to “yup he’s an adict!” but am I really? I don’t know. I don’t hang out with friends anymore. Only fat ugly bitches and escorts. I don’t know how to stop. I have this tingly on the skin of my back. It’s very intermittent, but what if have skin cancer. I’m bleeding everytime I take a shit. Is it a poor diet and constipation or do I have colon cancer? a tumor? Why can’t I get myself to see a fucking doctor? I’m not ready. Ready for what? I work as a paramedic for a private ambulance company. every 24 hour shift I despise. It constantly reminds of all my inadequacies. My lack of self-esteem. I miss an IV and I’m worthless. I’m shy and it gets in the way. Everyone thinks I’m a joke. I hate home.I hate the thought of going home after every shift. but I don’t want to stay at work….FUCK. will moving out help me? will it be my ultimate demise – being late. “relapsing” on booz? giving the wrong fat bitch my address? I wish I could quit smoking. it’s impossible to even imagine trying. A nurse at an ER maybe was flirting with me. cute. I was scared. blood coming out of my as – it makes my knees weak. shit, do I have bloody residue leaking from my asshole? I’m scared i will walk around with that nasty bloody-discharge-from-the-vagina pysch patient stank. This has not helped, writing is doing nothing to put me at ease. Maybe I should accept my wretched, suffering existence; everyone dies anyways.

I’ll never understand this girl •August 14, 2007 What the fuck Jessica? “Thank you so much!!!!…You always have my heart also!” What was he referring to? You told your ex that he always has your heart? Why don’t you just fucking move out to him and forget about me then? You’re not talking to me. I think you don’t really like me much anymore, if at all. Maybe you’re just waiting for good time to demote me off your top 8, but you’re not much for direct confrontation. Or maybe you’re saying that to him to make me jealous.

But then again the world doesn’t revolve around me. I’ll never be able to figure you out. I honestly think you don’t like me anymore and really hurts my feelings but I still hold on to the idea you are like this with everyone. Which, anyways, would still make me no one special. I put you at number #2 because I was jealous of everyone who gets to interact with you and I don’t.

That’s it for now.

I’m definitely in a downward spiral •July 17, 2007 I fucked another girl I didn’t want. I didn’t even see it coming. Over and over it keeps happening. I think I know what it’s like now for people I know in recovery who just don’t understand why that last relapse happened. Even though this was no relapse. Well unofficially it might be. Afterwards, getting in my car, I didn’t feel satisfied at all. As I drove home that feeling got worse. I kind of feel like shit. And I started thinking about Jessica. Everything now is going back to the thought of Jessica. After we hung out those 2 days I felt this connection, a passion that made me feel whole again. Free. I had no desire to talk to any other girls. I only could imagine myself sharing my life with her. Distance doesn’t matter anymore. Then she ignored me again (is it on purpose? does she not like me as much as I thought? Is this just how she is? Does she not think I want to date her…) and I lost that awesome feeling. The desire to hook up with other girls came back even more intense at first; Like a mental blue balls.

did I just use the semi-colon right?

I just want her to call me so I can find out if she wants to be my girlfriend. I want that SO bad :( .

This sex and codependency issue might be from being a dry alcoholic/addict. Maybe I’m in denial. With these thoughts, recently totaling(sp?) my parent’s car, and not getting all my hospital clinicals done I am getting majorly stressed out. Maybe I am not ready mentally to become a paramedic. I am quite worried…and feeling like shit.

One extreme to the other •July 12, 2007 Jessica. We had gone to Summerfest on Sunday, and I realized then how much I liked her. I drove up to see her again Monday and I felt a connection to her that I haven’t felt in such a long time to anyone, if I ever have. I don’t know what it was. Hopefully more than just lust. I originally told her I didn’t want to date her because she lives over an hour away and that is quite annoying for a number of reasons – gas money, time spent driving, anxiety whenever I drive long distances (I’ll share the irony in a little bit) and the fact that she doesn’t drive so every time we saw each other I’d be traveling up to her.

Well, while hanging out Monday night I realized that she is worth dating. I love how cute she is. Her petite size, her voice, smile, her innocence. I like how we’re both insecure about ourselves. She is so fucking hot, but doesn’t see it. She is such a wonderful person, I don’t understand why she likes me. But I’m not going to ask questions, because I am willing to do whatever it takes not to lose her. I know that we share similar experiences – her with an eating disorder and me with an addiction (maybe a little bit of an eating disorder too *chuckle*). I did not want to let her go that night.

While on my way home I had become sleepy. I dazed in and out a little bit, though still keeping control over my steering. It was 4:00 AM. After about an hour of driving, I was 10 minutes from home. I had to wake up at 5:30 AM for work. I knew my parents would be angry with me for being out so late and the thought of pulling over and taking a nap my mind had already eliminated as a possible course of action. I’m not really sure about everything that happened next.

I remember the bumps/ridges on the side of the expressway doing their purpose and waking me up as I slowly drifted off to the left side. I think I freaked out, because I swerved to the right, and then lost control trying to overcompensate and swerved back to the left. I remember a semi-truck driving past me on my right. The next thing I remember I was in the grassy median with the airbag deployed. My first thought was “Ohhh fuck I crashed another one of my parents’ cars!! I am soo fucked!!!!! I’m making them go bankrupt!!”. I found my glasses which were thrown off my face and looked for my cellphone, but that had been ejected out of the back window and run over. I got out and smoked a cigarette waiting for someone driving by to call 911.

When the cop came he said the call was sent out as an SUV ROLLOVER. He mentioned later that the witnessess who called it in said I was hit by a semi. First off, my car definitely wasn’t an SUV. The damage, though, seems to suggest the car rolled over. The cop pointed that out. Another idea is that the damage from the back of the car was from the trailer of the semi and then being no rollover. There are more details but I’m going to move on…

I escaped uninjured except for a burn on my arm and the next day a stiff neck. Is it abnormal that I just got out, smoked a cigarette after finding my glasses and didn’t feel the least bit shaken up? Maybe it hasn’t sunken in yet, and won’t until I pass the age of subconsciously thinking I’m invincible.

I got picked up and now it was 6:00 AM and I was suppose to be at work at 7:00. Sitting at the place the car was towed to. There was no way I was going to operating an ambulance. I was seriously doubting at that point whether I should continue pursuing paramedicine. If I can’t seem to make the proper decisions to keep myself from crashing a motor vehicle, then I shouldn’t be driving an ambulance and if I can’t work in the ambulance then I have no other desire to work in healthcare. Mind you the non-driving part of being a paramedic student I am doing just fine with. My parents reassured me that the cause of my accident can be changed, and that shouldn’t stop me from pursuing my goal.

But I digress. I had work in an hour so I called in sick. Now I’m behind in the number of hours needed for my internship. Plus I have been majorly procrastinating with doing the rest of my hospital clinicals. I am not going to have them done on time. My preceptor switched shifts with someone else for tomorrow, so I’m frustrated I don’t get to work with him.

Back to the girl :)

I really want to be with Jessica. Why isn’t she calling me back? I suddenly have become real clingly. I want to know if that is turning her away. How much she really likes me. Talk to me :( .

On a positive note – after being with Jessica those two days and losing all my numbers, I stopped caring about always being online to talk to people. I’ve lost the urge to being browsing 5 different dating sites at the same time. To be texting random girls from I’ve met from the internet. Right now I only care about getting a call from Jessica, and maybe also getting my clinicals done on time :) .

you fucking cunt •June 28, 2007 I’m angry at you jessica. Where have you been? What happened to our sleepover? I was so lonely wednesday night. Now you’ve logged on to myspace, re-added that suicidal fag onto your top, are talking to him and not me? what the fuck? I hate you. I’m tired of this shit.

Darn •June 28, 2007 • 1 Comment Doesn’t it suck when you wake up early and you’re like “YES….I woke up early. I’m going to be on time.” But then the internet starts calling your name. Not a whisper but a shout. Almost a screaming. So you go over and decide to check your email real quick…

45 minutes pass – FUCK I’m late.

Family Friend •June 23, 2007 I have a family friend, Ashley, who’s 2 years younger. Growing up she was in love with me. Then I fell for her and she lost interest. Now I never see her, and every time I do, I realize how much I love her. And how much she doesn’t love me. Today she came over for my sister’s high school graduation party but only stayed for a little while so she could go out with friends. Aren’t I considered a friend anymore? I guess not. Fuck that shit. That is rude, fucking cunt.

The Fountain •June 20, 2007 I just watched this movie and it is one of the best movies I have ever seen. It has so much emotion and awe packed into it. I cried through half of it. The decreased budget of the film I think made it even more aesthetically pleasing http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fountain_(film). I am fucking amazed. It totally tripped my mind out.

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Posted in Movies, The Fountain :( •June 19, 2007 • 1 Comment Why am I always so lonely? Girls always lose interest in me.

Posted in confused, dating, Emo Neurotransmitters and shit – I feel them dropping •June 18, 2007 Realizing that a girl I like has lost interest and moved on is comparable to feigning (no spell check on mobile) for drugs. Not any easier to deal with. You better recipricate the top eightage Amy, or I know its the beginning of the end. It makes me fucking sad.

Posted in Amy, dating, drugs Too many sexual partners? •June 17, 2007 I’ve hooked up with some girls who didn’t take much effort to do so. I’ve wondered, if they were that “easy”, does that mean they have been this impulsive with other guys as well? Am I taking a greater risk at something bad happening to me (STDs, pregnancy)?

The answer is who gives a fuck?I don’t mind it. I am invincible. I like easy girls who are cute. If those didn’t exist, how would I ever get action? I don’t have anything to offer emotionally/mentally/physically to be attractive to a girl without issues. But now that I have turned into the male version of one of these girls, I realize I am a fucking dumbass. I don’t think I’m going to live very long.

Had unprotected sex…now I need to get tested and the morning after pill for the girl. Why can’t I stop???

I had the condom in my fucking pants.

This shit makes me feel lame as well, because there are other girls I actually want a relationship with and don’t want to be sleeping around and stuff. Yeah. I still want to be with them, and not hurt them. Stay loyal. Don’t fuck up.

I have yet to shower from last night/this morning (I got home at 5am). Now I’m going to go eat brunch with my family still smothered in vagina sweat and sex.

Posted in death, sex Amy •June 17, 2007 I’m sorry your parents are raging alcoholics, or at least your father. You don’t deserve me. What if I end up like him? I don’t know if I really am an alcoholic or not. The best thing for me to do is just forget about you. For both our sakes. Plus recently you’ve been ignoring me and I feel like this is a passive way of dumping me even though we weren’t going out. I have fun with you. But I don’t think you like me that much. That makes me sad. I wish you could just tell me -what was it I did, or didn’t do? That would help me forget about you faster and calm my nerves.

Posted in Amy Kissing Styles •June 15, 2007 I have a problem with certain types of kissers. It is not uncommon for these to be deal breakers:

Kissers who don’t use any tongue. Kissers who stop every 2 minutes. Kissers who refuse to be flexible with other styles (we’ve made out slowly for 20 minutes can’t we pick it up for just 10 seconds? Can’t you just let my tongue in once?, et al). Yeah. It’s late, I might end up editing (adding to) this tomorrow.

Fuck, I always panic when I’m getting into bed and the birds are starting to chirp.

Posted in dating, kissing The sun comes up •June 14, 2007 I have lab in 2 hours and I still haven’t gone to bed.

I need to stop doing this

Sorry you don’t know what “this” is.

I’m contemplating just staying up. That way I won’t risk missing or coming late to class. I can’t be late. I am on the verge of getting kicked out.

I am such a hypocrite •June 12, 2007 I’m seeing one girl. I’m flirting with tons of others. Still jealous about Jessica not giving me as much attention. There’s some fucking asshat on her myspace who’s acting like she wants him. I hope that is not true and I am jealous from the possibility. But if I’m keeping the door open for other girls and she lets in just one guy that is not fair. Bad analogy but that’s what I can think of.

Last night was worrisome! •June 9, 2007 I didn’t eat anything all day (my fault). Then I went to hang out with Amy which I was excited about. She said her friend was going to come with and I wanted to spend time just with her which made me disappointed but because I want to exclude everybody doesn’t make it OK to project that onto anyone else. Unless someone said “Hey dude, please project onto me that my friend can’t hang out with us too.” Then I’d be like “Sure.” I waited for a car other than my crappy Buick since I’m afraid it will break down, it has a crappy stereo, sucks to drive (It is too big for my taste) and other things I don’t care to mention.

My dad came home and I asked him if I can take his car. He said “Sure, wait…are you going far? As long as you’re not going to Woodstock or anything…” (I got a speeding ticket in McHenry county and didn’t tell my parents until two days before my 2nd court date for which I missed the first). I felt really guilty, because – yeah, I am going to somewhere not in the vicinity. I lied and said I was hanging out with my other friend Amy (Lesbian Amy) who lives a lot closer. Capital “L” for respect.

For some reason my mind said that if I just don’t use my dad’s car my lie will be justified. So I took my mom’s, which is preferred. I got to the hookah bar where we said we’d meet. And there was Amy and her friend…and her other friend? See the more unfamiliar people I’m around the longer it takes for me to become comfortable and warm up. Until that happens I feel anxious and awkward. I FUCKING hate that. Plus that registered in my head as less of a chance to be alone with Amy and talk and make out. Damn I love doing that. I didn’t show any irritation from the unexpected extra friend because I’m too passive for that. As the night when on I got pretty comfortable and didn’t care as much.

My ADD medicine was wearing off and from my anxiety I felt like consuming a mildly extensive amount of caffeine (strangely enough uppers make me less anxious). That felt good. My stomach started to growl and hurt at this point. I also felt like I was started to withdrawal from taking a low dose of my sleep medicine the night before on an empty stomach which needs food to be metabolized more efficiently.

The more the night progressed, though, the more guilty I felt about lying to my parents on where I was going and more worried that I might get in trouble out far and my parents find out about it as well as waiting to be alone with Amy but also realizing my parents don’t like me being out late and the fact that I have to get up early.

Me and Amy ended up at another hookah cafe, but the one where she knows everyone. So fucking annoying. I don’t like how people are always going up and talking to her. One of her friends is really awesome yet I get annoyed when he comes over to talk. There was another dude, some emo fag with a mohawk , lisp and annoying as fuck thickheadedness (is that a word?). He came over and talked on and on to Amy. About his fuckin cooking. I got bored and irritated.

By the time I was on my way home it was 3:00 AM (post-satisfying make out session, that is) and my stomach was fuckin killin me, anxious as fuck about the time and hoping not to get in an accident but the “withdrawal” gone (probably too much hookah, caffeine and cigarettes). Hrrmm…I guess stimulants can make me more anxious.

One last thing. On the drive home I was thinking a lot about possibly getting into a relationship with Amy and how I would feel about it. I like her. But I can’t stop thinking that I need a girl who is amazingly good looking and close to home (physically) or my parents and people I like won’t approve. Yeah.

I’m getting jealous, Jessica! •June 7, 2007 I thought you were calling excessively and stopped picking up the phone all the time because I didn’t feel like talking. But I’ve also lost interest in having phone conversations with anyone. I always wish you have a cellphone with texting, or an Instant Messenger. I’d talk to you a lot more, we always play phone tag.

Since you left for the hospital I started to miss you a lot. It made me sad. Now you’re back, and not talking to me as much and I’m scared you’re going to replace me with another guy. I saw that you hung out with a dude last night from your myspace. I got really jealous. Now I am considering asking you out officially (if you are even interested). I’m hurt that you are losing interest in me. It feels real although the latter statement is only an assumption.

My friend, this is what I enjoy •June 5, 2007 Sex/masturbation. Video games. Paramedicine.

It’ll Never Happen •June 3, 2007 Anytime a girl I deem worthy of a relationship who enters my life always runs away. When someone like that sparks into my existence I always know, it is too good to be true. I’m not sabotaging myself. I think that I’m just not good enough. I only belong with the chicks I don’t dig (sometimes because of distance).

Recently:

Chick #1 – We talked online for a long time and I based part of my decision to come home from texas on the fact that we might end up more than friends. Then you turned into a lesbian. QUOTE: “Ehh can we get coffee and talk about lesbianism?”. That was mean. I’m sure you like to do other things than talk about lesbians. I should have gone to the movie with you I’m sorry :( .

Chick #2 – You lead me on and when I found out I wasn’t going to have a chance I was already attached. I’m not mad at you, I am mad at myself. At life. What good is there?

Posted in confused, dating, lesbian, PT One good thing. The rest bad •May 29, 2007 I took my BP last night and I got 180/120 then 160/120. FUCK maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling shitty. I had just re calibrated the sphygmomanometer without the manual. Hopefully I had just fucked up more. Well the diaphragm was just folded inside the cuff. my BP is actually 130/100 which is only 10 torr increase. I don’t have to stop the adderall :) .

Other than that I want to shoot myself. Naw not really. But I want to get fucked up. Or have sex. Just kidding. I didn’t tell my parents I got a speeding ticket in bumblefuck and my court date is friday. Well now my sister needs the car for something and she asked me if I could use it in front of my mom so I said sure…FUUUCK.

If you could define a function KillHappiness(), it has been executed.

Hate Everything •May 28, 2007 I EXTREMELY hate my life right now. I hate myself. I hate other people. I feel helpless. I dread going to my clinical tomorrow. And having to get up early. And not being able to stay up late. And taking sleep medicine. And fucking bitches.

Posted in depressed mom •May 27, 2007 Every time I have social contact with my mom I get angry and depressed.

Posted in angry, depressed, irritated, mom FUCK FUCK FUCK •May 16, 2007 I like her so much, but I am too scared to show my clingyness, because I’m afraid it will turn her off. But I want to sooooooo bad, I hold it in and it hurts :( . I don’t know about this other guy she also likes. It scares me, I want to know more, who I’m up against although I shall not compete with anyone. She is so awesome. I want her to be be mine. I want to cuddle with her.

Posted in dating It FUCKING gets to me •April 25, 2007 I hate when I realize times have changed, things are different, people are different – and they will never go back.

I finally watched the last episodes of the OC. I have class on Thursday nights and always missed it, so the next day I would download the episodes and watch it. I put off watching the last few because I was in denial of the show ending. I don’t know why, but it really gets to me. I think it’s the fact that deep inside I’m a very emotional person. I don’t know if people see that or not, if I subconsciously hide it.

It is not just a show. Watching the OC gives me the drama I secretly desire but continuously fail to obtain. The kind of person I am lets me sit there and breath through Ryan’s and Seth’s lungs as I intermittently transport myself into their lives whenever I so please by touching the itty bitty sideways black isosceles triangle. The way this show alters my brain chemistry almost qualifies itself as a (questionable) drug of choice. I am angry I will never see another new saga in the life of Ryan, Seth, Summer, MARISSA, sandy, kirsten, julie, et al. again and even deeper I am sad. Sad because of nostalgia for earlier seasons – those fucks had to make those flashbacks of when Ryan first moved in to the Cohens. GOD MOTHER FUCKER I hate this shit. Why do I have to be like this.

While we were both at Decision Point, me and David along with a few other guys would sit around make Season 2 of the OC a regular appearance. I miss David, he is the closest friend I might ever have. He’s the coolest fucking alcoholic I know I will ever meet. The days of the OC and hacky sacking at DP are gone :(

Ginger Ale •April 21, 2007 The thing

I like about ginger ale is that I can leave it unrefrigerated after opening it and it still crackle and pops each taste bud to orgasmic heaven. If only it had caffeine.

Posted in Nothing At All Add 1 UP •April 16, 2007 I have to stop meeting chicks off the internet I don’t like and fucking them. I feel so ashamed, and scared.

I have a fucking headache •March 31, 2007 Are we really “official”? Because I’m gonna see you once in 2 weeks. And I’m the one driving to you every time, it’s pretty fucking annoying. On top of that we’re not going to do anything fun. I might move in for a kiss a few times. You’re too emotionally distant from me. I’ve tried flirting with you. Are you capable? Will you show me? This is fucking retarded, I need some play. Or some cuddling. OR SOME FUCKING FLIRTING. You are too conservative. This is not going to work out. If you want to wait for sex when you’re ready, not a problem. Until you’re married? Fuck that. Get a car that fucking works, mine might “break” soon.

I’m going to hurt you in the end, because I don’t know how to get myself out of this mess.

Stop pushing me •March 31, 2007 My mom finds something she thinks is good for me. She imposes. I act neutral, in a passive manner and she takes it as me saying “WOW THANKS THAT’S AWESOME KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, MOM!”. I am afraid if I act assertive she will get offended and/or angry that I am not taking full advantage of my opportunities. She found an article in the newspapers for a local fire dept. that was hiring. Tomorrow is the orientation where you get the application and the following week is the test.

First of all my shift at work tomorrow starts at 11 am and if I goto this thing I have to get up at 7…fuck that. And then I won’t fit in. I’m gonna walk in the room and everyone is going to look at me and be like “wow that kid is a fucking wimp”. Especially if someone from my paramedic class is there.

But now if I don’t go I’m going to feel really guilty, like I really am totally screwing myself over. Either way I lose. I mean I want to do stuff that I initiate, not what mommy and daddy finds for me and pushes me to do like when I was 10.

Posted in angry, irritated, mom, paramedic, Paramedic school, Scared I think •March 28, 2007 You feel awkward just like I do? It is so frustrating that you are emotionally distant from me. Are you incapable? Is this from your “attachment disorder”? Do you just need time? Are you hiding it? Would I scare you if I actually acted like we were together?

I have serious doubts about this “relationship” but I am willing to be patient. I really do require more affection. Or at least to know you don’t mind me acting more affectionate. I have yet to find your emotional boundaries. I wish to dig deeper.

OK Nevermind •March 26, 2007 Apparently I jumped to conclusions. You do like me. I’m trying not to over analyze. I am impatient. I need constant affection to tell me you are still interested and that you are serious about thinking I am good enough to date you. I don’t see myself as good looking or smart. I don’t do anything but sit on my ass in front of my computer unless I’m at work or school. As far as relationships go I really don’t see what I have to offer but a physical mass to hug and waste time and space. But the fact that other people see positive qualities in me helps me recognize that I have a distorted self-image. You say you like me, cool…I’m not going to ask any questions.

Both times I made a sexual reference to flirt with you. I’m not trying to imply I want to do you if that’s what you thought. You could at least tell me you don’t like that. Are you uncomfortable? Did it gross you out? I know you are conservative, and I am trying to remember that. Sorry. I miss you.

It seems like you are hiding the fact that you want to date me. Why????

I try to avoid my mom •March 25, 2007 I try to avoid my mom as much as possible, because she FUCKING PISSES ME OFF. Her small talk is so fucking ridiculous. Just now:

“Guess what today is???” “What?” “Well, how many months have you been sober?” “I don’t know.” “You don’t know?!?!?!” “Well it was a year on xmas, so a year and 3 months.” “yeah!” “OK…so what?” —————————————————— In response to me working a 22 hour shift: “So did you get a lot of time to sleep?” “Yeah we had some time but I didn’t really fall asleep.” “So are there cots or what?” “2 bunks and 2 couches” “2 bunk beds?” “Yeah” “What kind of bunk beds? Are they children’s bunk beds? “Yeah I guess.” “Well if someone were big they probably wouldn’t fit.” “I don’t know I didn’t really pay attention, I guess they are bigger beds.” “Because like in colleges they have bunk beds that are not full adult beds but not children’s bunk beds either.” “Oh…”

WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT KIND OF BEDS THERE ARE???!!

I’m sorry I look like an unappreciative, insensitive assfuck.

GIRL •March 25, 2007 If you want to date me, why are you always on POF?? I’m being really clingy because my mind hasn’t completely felt reassured that you really like me. But I’m suppressing it. I don’t want to scare you away. I can’t tell how much you really like me…I wish I could hold you and cuddle. Or just flirt. I can’t figure you out and it pisses me off.

When we were with your friend you seemed to have a better time than when you hang out with me. I don’t know if I could mix with your friends. Probably just from anxiety, though I’m not sure. I go on POF just to see if you have logged on recently because I think you are still “keeping the door open”, expecting us to fail, or too scared to tell me upfront you’ve lost interest. I need more affection from you.

I know I’m overreacting. I know it’s sketchy to be going on POF just to see if you’ve logged in recently. I know I have irrational thoughts. I should just accept that you like me.

Journal


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