10 Easy Steps To Becoming A Monk

I’ve had quite a few emails asking about becoming a Taoist monk, so I thought I’d take this opportunity to respond to all my potential monk brothers and sisters with an easy-to-digest “10 Steps” list. Enjoy!

1. Give Away All Your Stuff

That’s right – GIVE it away. Don’t mess around with eBay – go right to the Salvation Army and dump it all in their bin. Doesn’t matter if you have a complete Pokemon collection or a Porsche Boxster – get rid of it. If you don’t get rid of it, it’s going to be pretty damn hard to carry all that stuff on the road with you.

2. Shave Your Head

Every good monk, man or woman, has to have a shaved head, right? It just looks so cool and besides, it scares the heck out of people. Intimidation is your friend!

3. Renounce Your Family and Friends

How many times have you wished that your friends would just disappear for a while? Ever thought you’d be better off without that dysfunctional family of yours? Well, guess what? NOW you can dump them all in one fell swoop!

4. Give Up Sex

It’s overrated anyway, and trying to figure out the opposite sex is frustrating and a waste of time. Besides – who wants to go out with a bald guy (or gal)? You’ll also save quite a bit more of those alms you receive if you’re not constantly buying suck-up gifts for the opposite sex.

5. Start Wandering

Remember Kung-Fu with David Carradine? He was the Shaolin monk who wandered through the Old West, getting into jams, trying to remain peaceful but always having to kick butt to restore balance. YOU can do the same thing – minus of course the Old West. But I think it would still work for places like, oh, say – Chicago…

6. Work Out

What’s a monk without fighting ability? Just a bald-headed dude that acts weird. When you’re a nasty fighter, people will respect and fear you – essential elements for ANY monk. So get ripped and stock up on those Bruce Lee “how-to” books.

7. Enjoy the Elements

As a monk, you’ll worship Nature. You’ll strive to be in tune with its rhythms. And you’ll freeze your butt off in the winter and melt in the summer, so get used to it, bubbie! YOU wanted to be a monk, remember?

8. Meditate

Every good monk meditates. It doesn’t have to be in a temple, though – you can meditate while you’re walking down the road after dumpster-diving at Arby’s. You can achieve peaceful repose while you run from the teens throwing bottles at you, and you can glimpse the gates of Nirvana while sitting in a 6′x8′ cell in Kissandtell, OH serving 3 days for vagrancy.

9. Join A Temple

One way to avoid the dumpsters and jail cells is to join a temple. Problem is, there aren’t that many here in the US, so you might have to just settle for a Knights of Columbus meeting hall. Just buy the guys a round or two and tell them you have family in “the old country” - they’ll accept you with open arms and, hopefully, a cot to crash on overnight. Free peanuts and pretzels at the bar is a big plus!

10. Die Well

The one thing that every monk wants is to die well. Their lifelong training prepares them for this, their final moment in what is essentially an organic vessel containing the soul. Personally, I’ve prepared for my death by gathering a list of hot women I want at my side when the blessed day arrives, along with laying-in a goodly supply of Captain Morgan’s Rum and pepperoni pizza.

If you follow these 10 easy steps, you’ll be sure to achieve the apex of monk-hood sooner than you ever thought possible. Good luck to all my soon-to-be Brothers and Sisters and may Nature smile upon you!

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