Having an alcoholic stepdad

Today I shall be telling you my experience of having an alcoholic „parental figure“ and how it has affected me over the years. My mother met him 8 years ago and all seemed fine. He behaved like a gentleman, everyone liked him and she was in love. At that time she had told me if I did not like anyone she went out with she wouldn't stay with them. Seeing as I still have to deal with him you can guess that promise was broken.

Said stepdad happened to be rather well off. Or at least he was still for a little while after meeting my mother. Till today I have no idea when it exactly all came down as my mother hid it all quite well from me till I was older. The main events concerning his abuse of alcohol started I guess around 3 years ago.

Even before then I did notice a vodka bottle somewhere from time to time but it never seemed to escalate. But I guess he gave in to it over the years. His demeanor changed and he became quite an angry man. I took the brunt of it because while my mother wouldn't take his shit (so he knew to be kind with her) he would take every excuse he had to tell me how much of a lazy no good bitch I was.

I didn't bother to complain to my mom because before I'd even try to say in how much of an insulting tone he'd say it all I got was „he's right you know“. I'm sorry but telling a 15 year old how bad they are just because they forget to do the dishes is a slight overreaction. What I hated the most was a „double confrotation“ with both of them telling me to improve whilst he would just smugly look at me whilst saying „It's for your best“.

After all, it was for my best to be skipped over for his needs especially when he was in hospital to have his body de-poisoned. When my mom still in love would try to give him one chance after the other. When I was forced to shut up about his drinking to other family members because my mom didn't want it to reflect badly on HER.

I won't elaborate on all of his verbal abuse because my mind blocked most of it out but I can say after a while I just did not give a fuck. He got his way in everything and got all of his petty needs fulfilled even though he would still rampage on about everything and start complaining to my mother about me and then start complaining to her how bad she was as well.

Then a few days after Christmas in 2011 it escalated. My room was downstairs and he started shouting at me to get something from downstairs. Whilst I was doing so he still kept shouting and because my back was facing him he thought I was ignoring him whilst doing what he wanted. So he decided to push his foot on my back which caused me to slip. I did not fall as I caught myself on the railings but I was so angry I wanted to hit him. I regret it to this day I didn't.

My mother found out from someone else in the house that had heard me scream in surprise of losing balance. I had no intention to tell her because to me she was on his side. There was no point in doing so. That apparently though did push her to getting a divorce. Though officially they are in „separation“ currently.

I guess she felt guilt for being blind because afterwards whenever he complained about me my mom would actually defend me and scold him like a child. His body has weakened due to the alcohol but that is not where I get my satisfaction from. I could care less if he died. Mine is that seeing as my mother doesn't love him anymore and the only way they are still married is on paper it hurt him.

My satisfaction is that whenever she says „darling“ it sounds empty and loveless to him. It may be my bitterness speaking but for years I was not allowed to speak so I shall indulge in this karma. I am happy for my mother she has found someone else to give her attention to. Nothing I would ever do or say would hurt him as much because he always considered my opinion to be worth nothing.

I have anxieties due to this experience and self blaming is a habit I picked up due to all that stress. Self hatred was another seeing as any praise I received was small and rare. Not to mention I was pretty much a loser in high school. It has gotten better and I did manage to grow a backbone now but I would never put through someone else through this experience all for the sake of self delusion that he would change.

I may not forgive. But I will forget.

Devtome Writers

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