2013 Cracked Article About Alex Jones – A Critique

While researching another article I came across this gem of an article Cracked.com posted about Alex Jones back in 2013.1) The piece was well-writing and quite funny; although perhaps not funny in the intended way. I found it funny because I realized immediately how easy it would be to tear apart. In this article, I will go through the article calling out little bits of nonsense here and there while giving credit where it is due. The comments section of the page will also be discussed.

Just the Facts

In the introductory paragraph, the author, whose name is not forthcoming, immediately begins to characterize Alex Jones (AJ) as a paranoid conspiracy theorist. This is not a unique way of attacking Alex Jones’ reputation but is done in amusing fashion. Part of the first paragraph includes a list of three “facts,” criticized by me, below with commentary…

1. “The world is being controlled by an elite cabal… only Alex Jones has been able to discern…” So “only” Alex Jones has identified that there are sinister conspiracies going on in the world? That would mean that Fritz Springmeier, David Icke, and several thousand other individuals who Alex Jones generally agrees with don’t count. Alex Jones lets everyone know they are encouraged to do their own research and fact-check his information and start their own organizations; apparently he likes to bluff a lot.

2. “Your only chance for salvation… repeatedly listen to every one of Alex Jones’ DVDs.” Where does this even come from? Did Alex Jones ever say anything like that? Has he ever insinuated it? Were this a serious critique of Alex Jones a reference to something resembling evidence would be warranted. Since this is just a comedy bit it will get a pass. Unfortunately, it fails in the humor category as well.

3. “If you disagree with points 1 or 2… receive your RFID chip at the nearest FEMA camp.” This is interesting because it insinuates that concerns about warrantless surveillance and wrongful incarceration are laughable and paranoid so unworthy of discussion.

Cracked on Alex Jones

Here the author speaks for the entire staff of Cracked stating that they have the same “distain” for AJ that they have for Owen Wilson and Uwe Boll. If this seems remarkably juvenile, we have to remember that this is a Cracked article. Of course it’s juvenile; Cracked has a long history of capitalizing on the unrefined humor typically demonstrated by a twelve-year-old boy.

The unknown Cracked writer goes on to comment that “even if… they mean well” they have done harm. What harm exactly? Promoting paranoid thinking? The article doesn’t actually specify what sort of harm is being alleged so we have to guess.

The Alex Jones fan-base is referred to as a “paranoid and largely uneducated crowd.” Before the reader decides to get bent out of shape, let’s keep in mind this is Cracked talking. The main focus of Cracked is, and always has been, to entertain. If that isn’t their agenda then it certainly is their modus operandi. Most of the writers for Cracked, like most Americans in general, probably cannot even find Thermopylae on a map; let alone understand the historical significance of the ancient city-state. Next time someone insinuates you are uneducated; ask them to name two US Constitutional amendments and what they say. Most people cannot do that and, while we’re on the subject, please feel free to look up the Bill of Rights and memorize them if you haven’t already.

Wrapping up this section, Cracked likens AJ to Scientology and then insults a number of his celebrity guests claiming they “make you hate him even more.” I don’t have a lot to say about this but will say that the attempt at humor was, by my estimation, almost entirely unsuccessful.

The Politics of Alex Jones

We are told that Alex Jones is “certain” that there is a conspiracy (there are actually multiple ones) to kill, in some cases, over ninety percent of the global human population. This is hilarious until you find out there is actually quite a bit of evidence that is exactly what’s going on. At first you are like, “Ha ha ha; that is SO funny!” Then you find out that Bill Gates, Ted Turner, and Prince Phillip, among others, actually talked about it and papers have been published to that effect as well. Then you are all like, [crickets chirping].

The editorial continues by claiming the sources of Alex Jone’s doomsday conspiracy beliefs include “the Bible telling him to revolt against the perpetrators of 9/11,” Texe Mars (probably meaning Jim Marrs) telling him all politicians are witches, and, hold onto your hat for this one, that the Jews are going to bring about the arrival of the Antichrist. Now wait: that isn’t a source of anything and it characterizes Alex Jones as a Jew-hater. I have to give the writer credit for this part because it is funny. Some of the most passionate bashing of AJ found on the web includes wild conspiracy theories that he is a codex Jew and currently working for the Vatican. That doesn’t make any sense either, of course, but if you are familiar with AJ and his critics this will probably give you a chuckle.

Wrapping up this section, the author urges us to make fun of Ron Paul supporters because he is a frequent guest of AJ’s. The recommended insult is “ask them if you can borrow their tinfoil hat so you can bake a potato in it.” It may prompt one to ask if one may borrow the writers sense of humor so you can lull people to sleep with it like some kind of a super-power. I swear to you, after reading that joke, I passed out shortly thereafter and woke up in a puddle of my own saliva.

Alex Jones and Freedom of Speech

It took reading through half the article, but finally we get to a part that is almost funny. In the first paragraph of the concluding section, Cracked admits that Alex Jones does a service through his avocation of freedom of speech. Right after that, however, a crude sexual comment is used where an joke that is actually funny might have been welcome. Apparently, substituting a punch-line for the f-word is still appropriate for the Cracked fan-base.

The very last paragraph of this section is a treasure, no sarcasm intended, meant for AJ listeners. Love him, hate him, or don’t care about him but rather his message, any listener knows that Alex Jones has an amusing tendency to go off on really silly macho rants about how tough and ready to fight he is. We are pretty sure he is over-compensating for something even if we aren’t sure what. Describing an alleged altercation involving some guy named “Steve” is an excellent approach at poking fun of AJ.

Though it is perhaps true that anyone with an ounce of silliness in them probably could have written the conclusion of the “Freedom of Speech” section; it’s still funny because it’s true. It is easy to defend AJ for saying a lot of really crazy things when it turns out they are actually well established facts but, not only is it difficult to defend him for acting like a raving loon, it isn’t advisable. Truth is, we all say childish things from time to time and it is doubtful one could speak for several hours each day without something embarrassing come out of one’s mouth on more than one occasion.

Alex Jones and Hitler

Apparently, if you use the search string “hitler” on the Prison Planet website it can give one the impression that Adolf Hitler was the first black president of the United States and loves universal healthcare. I’m not sure where the “Hitler as first black president” thing comes from, I didn’t get results that would indicate that, but the comment about universal healthcare is actually quite funny, if perhaps unwittingly. You see; the Nazi party was, at least in name, a Socialist movement. Under the Nazi’s German healthcare did become much more socialized and centrally controlled by the government so the comment is actually funny.

The article almost becomes a hit-piece at this point because it attempts to create a “guilt through association” by claiming that AJ’s “buddies don’t seem to have much of a problem with Hitler.” The Cracked piece goes on to refer to the Jeff Rense show as “anti-Semitic” and then demonizes Alex Jones for claiming evils in the world include Planned Parenthood and Bill Gates. The author suggests AJ should look in the mirror if attempting to identify the worlds “real evils.” My primary criticism of this part of the article is in the use of the word “anti-Semitic.” So many, often times college educated people, use this word incorrectly it makes me want to weep. Don’t use the word incorrectly. If you think standing in solidarity with the Palestinians is anti-Semitic then don’t walk; run to the nearest book store and buy yourself a dictionary… Please!

I’d like to offer a suggestion at this point… When attacking the reputation of Alex Jones, or Jeff Rense, a fun thing to do might be to point out that Rense had allegedly pulled his show from Genesis Communications Network because AJ had, he claims, “terrorized” Rense’s family. Two “anti-Semitic” buddies can’t even get along? For shame!

So What’s the Big Deal?

The conclusion of the Cracked on Alex Jones article reveals that it doesn’t just seem like a hit piece; it actually is one. It admits that the whole point was to “deride” AJ rather than to poke fun at him purely for comedic purposes. The supposed danger of Alex Jones is finally revealed but in an indirect and insinuative manner. The author states that you do, in fact, feel angrier and stupider just reading about Alex Jone’s beliefs. The hypothesis is that listening to his show every day will make you even stupider and angrier until an extreme level of paranoia, anger, and ignorance is achieved rendering you unfit to carry a firearm.

The claim, “Even I don’t want to know where I’m goin with this.” Is pretty lame considering that where the author “is going” with “this” is blatantly obvious. By the article’s estimation, if you listen to Alex Jones regularly you are going to go insane and start murdering people with a firearm. Apparently someone is paranoid but it doesn’t sound like Alex Jones at this point.

Comments Section

Though the number of comments isn’t particularly impressive, there are some interesting ones. The most recent article at the time of this posting “rips” the article writer “a new one,” if you will forgive the colloquialism. My favorite part of the August 2013 article by “Purplegayshoes,” is where he (she?) condescends to both “Liberal Snobs” and “Conservative Retards” a like. I’m not saying I approve of the way “gayshoes” went about, somewhat distastefully, stating his opinion but I approve of the opinion itself.

The comments section gets pretty nasty after a while. There are lots of “f-yous” and “pieces of shs” found throughout. Some are directed at Alex Jones but just as many are directed at the writer of the article which, as I alluded to earlier, nobody took credit for. A username isn’t even used to denote who wrote it. I don’t know the story behind that but find it interesting. I take credit for even the worst garbage I spew onto print; like this article you were silly enough to read in its entirety.


I was kidding in the last section of course. This article was awesome so your time was well spent. Everything I write is golden. You might think there are other, more important, things in your life than reading my articles; there are not. Hugging your kids, working a job, talking a walk in the woods: all highly overrated. There is nothing more worthwhile than reading my stuff.

“But what about the Sun?” you might ask. Surly the Sun is worthwhile. Nah; screw the Sun. You only need the sun if you are reading my work on an old black-and-white Kindle because you can’t pay your electrical bill due to the fact you lost your job spending all your time reading articles about articles written about people who publish articles. Otherwise, the Sun is unimportant.

I have it on good authority that reading my articles is “better than sex.” I have to take their word because I breed asexually through a process known as “budding.” This mode of reproduction is common among single-celled organisms like me.

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